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Discussion Starter #1
I have a friend who is a stay at home Mum. She has a 4yo and a 2mo. She suffers from severe anxiety and doesn't like to be alone so she goes out during the day alot. Mostly visiting friends. Last night she apparently had an argument with her husband who doesn't like her going out because everything is chaotic when he gets home.<br><br>
Now, bare in mind, she doesn't ask him to do anything. She cooks dinner every night. Does all the housework. Gives the kids dinner and baths and gets them to bed. I think sometimes the house can get messy, but then having a 4yo and a baby, it seems normal to me that it would.<br><br>
She was meant to be coming to visit us this afternoon, but now doesn't want to because of the argument last night. It makes her anxiety alot worse to stay home. I have no problem with the fact she's not coming round except that she's doing it because her DH doesn't want to, not because she doesn't want to.<br><br>
Is this right? I feel like it's really controlling. He's out at work all day. She is an adult and surely can make decisions about how she spends her time? It's not taking away family time. She is always home before he gets back from work. I'm just really angry for her because she now feels like she can't go out and I just don't think it's fair of her husband to get angry about it. I told her when I spoke to her that it was wrong, and that he can't decide how she spends her time, but I just wanted to see what others thought as I sometimes get a skewed view on things (I HATE being told what to do. I'm the kind of person that would cut off my nose to spite my face!) so I don't know how much is my personality digging my heels in and how much is actually because it is wrong.
 

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Ummmm.... that would not go over well in our house. If dp ever told me to stay at home and not go anywhere... well... I'd be going places <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> I'd probably even be so big of a b*tch to take pics of ds and I at random places on my cell and text them to him all day <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> But dp would never tell me I can't go somewhere.<br><br>
He has expressed concern about me going certain places at certain times (for instance- there was a big thing not too long ago about a gang attacking women at walmart parking lots in our town. One woman was hospitalized with severe injuries from one attack so dp asked me not to go to walmart for a little bit. No biggie).<br><br>
If dp has a reason for asking me not to go somewhere I listen and make my own informed decision. For him to straight out tell me not to go anywhere? Wouldn't fly (though I would kill for a day of just staying home sometimes! LOL!).
 

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I don't understand -- wouldn't the house be messier if they were home all day every day? More dishes, more toys, more messy art projects ... or, I guess he's expecting her to stay home all day and endlessly tidy up after the kids the whole time?<br><br>
It's completely unreasonable for him to tell her what to do during the day while he's at work. As long as she's not doing anything unsafe or detrimental to the children, that time is hers to decide what to do. She wouldn't walk into his office and tell him what he could and couldn't do.<br><br>
Although, if she stays home all day, I suppose he'll be offering to do the kids' evening/bedtime routine so that she can get out in the evenings? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
It reminds me of one night when I was out to dinner with two friends, and one of them said, "So, what did your husbands say about you guys coming out tonight?" It was so outside the reality of my and my other friend's dynamics with our husbands that we just looked baffled, and then the poor friend who had said that was really embarrassed.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
In all fairness, I don't know whether he actually SAID she couldn't go out, or whether he just expressed the fact that he doesn't like her going out because it's chaotic when he gets home. She did say that they had an argument and that she felt like she couldn't go out today which leads me to believe he didn't just calmly say that he wished she wouldn't go out so much. But yeah, I don't know that he actually FORBADE her as such.
 

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i think there might be more going on in the situation then just the info you have.<br><br>
do i think its wrong to control someone and just plan say 'dont go anywhere'. yes.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>limabean</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15428482"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't understand -- wouldn't the house be messier if they were home all day every day? More dishes, more toys, more messy art projects ... or, I guess he's expecting her to stay home all day and endlessly tidy up after the kids the whole time?<br><br>
It's completely unreasonable for him to tell her what to do during the day while he's at work. As long as she's not doing anything unsafe or detrimental to the children, that time is hers to decide what to do. She wouldn't walk into his office and tell him what he could and couldn't do.<br><br>
Although, if she stays home all day, I suppose he'll be offering to do the kids' evening/bedtime routine so that she can get out in the evenings? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"></div>
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Yes, I do think that he would expect her to just spend the day tiding up and getting dinner ready etc.<br><br>
No, he definitely wouldn't be doing bath or bed. He hasn't done bathtime since the 4yo was a baby, because it 'hurts his back'. I could understand the back thing when they're babies because it does kill to have to bend over the bath and hold them, but as the 4yo got older surely it can't hurt your back to sit and watch a child play in the bath and give them a wash?<br><br>
She also doesn't get time off during the weekends. If her DH needs to go out to run errands he'll just tell her he's off and she has to argue with him to get him to take the kids (or at least the 4yo) because it's 'easier' for him to just go by himself.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lovebug</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15428491"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">i think there might be more going on in the situation then just the info you have.<br><br>
do i think its wrong to control someone and just plan say 'dont go anywhere'. yes.</div>
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No, I don't think there's more that I don't know. We're very close. Speak several times a day and see each other often. She's always been honest about her life and husband etc. I have mental health issues too so she likes to speak to me about stuff because I kind of 'get it' more.
 

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I agree with the previous poster, it sounds like there might be something else going on. Yes, if he flat out said that she couldn't go out, that is wrong. But if she's dealing with anxiety issues, it could be that the comment started out small and then grew into a bigger argument and then her anxiety is making it seem even worse to her than it really is.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>happysmileylady</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15428527"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I agree with the previous poster, it sounds like there might be something else going on. Yes, if he flat out said that she couldn't go out, that is wrong. But if she's dealing with anxiety issues, it could be that the comment started out small and then grew into a bigger argument and then her anxiety is making it seem even worse to her than it really is.</div>
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this was my vote too. i know that this happens with DH and i at times and after its all said and done and the argument grew to much bigger then it ever should have been, i know my friends would only see my side and not DHs.<br><br>
i would venture to bet that her otherwise not controlling (unless he is controlling in other areas and that was left out) DH has a valid point too...
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Learning_Mum</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15428500"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><b>Yes, I do think that he would expect her to just spend the day tiding up and getting dinner ready etc.</b><br><br><b>No, he definitely wouldn't be doing bath or bed. He hasn't done bathtime since the 4yo was a baby, because it 'hurts his back'.</b> I could understand the back thing when they're babies because it does kill to have to bend over the bath and hold them, but as the 4yo got older surely it can't hurt your back to sit and watch a child play in the bath and give them a wash?<br><br><b>She also doesn't get time off during the weekends.</b> If her DH needs to go out to run errands he'll just tell her he's off and she has to argue with him to get him to take the kids (or at least the 4yo) because it's 'easier' for him to just go by himself.</div>
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Then there are other issues other than just him wanting her to stay home <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 

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1. That's definitely abuse, and it sounds like they need marital counseling if he expects her to stay at home all day picking up after kids while her anxiety issues worsen.<br><br>
2. Is it her house that makes her anxious, or being alone? If the latter, can you go to her home during the day?<br><br><br>
If the true reason he doesn't want her to go out is because the house is chaos, could that be because the house is a mess and dinner isn't cooked by the time he gets home? Perhaps some crockpot cooking could fix that? If thats the case, I can understand it, perhaps he just wants to be able to relax when he gets home instead of chasing screaming kids while she's cooking? (but I don't approve of the way he is showing his feelings about it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shake.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shake">)
 

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I think it's always tough to speak in hypothetical terms. Well of course it's wrong for one partner to demand of another not to go out, and to spend the day on housework day in and day out. If that's truly what's transpired - then yes, the husband is not a very nice guy, and it's very sad.<br><br>
On another hand, if my anxiety has reached the point where it creates problems for my family, then it could be understandable why my partner is frustrated, and we had an argument about it, kwim? In that case, neither one is at fault, and both have some mistakes to own up to.<br><br>
There are always two sides to each story. That's my take on it.
 

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I'm also on the side that thinks there's more to the story than you might know.<br><br>
For example, the baby is only 2 months old. I know that when I was still going through post partum bleeding at 6 weeks, I would bleed more if I was physically overdoing it. Your friend's hubby may be thinking of his wife's physical health and stress levels when he said that he would like her to stay at home. Maybe he just wants her to rest more? (I know, its not likely to happen, with a 4yo and 2mo to look after).<br><br>
He may also be thinking of virus/bacteria/germs the baby is potentially exposed to if they're out all day, every day.<br><br>
Another thing would be the wording. There's a world of difference if my Dh said "I *want* you to stay home", vs. "I'd prefer it if you stayed home". One would start an arguement while the other is negotiable.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Learning_Mum</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15428500"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She also doesn't get time off during the weekends. If her DH needs to go out to run errands he'll just tell her he's off and she has to argue with him to get him to take the kids (or at least the 4yo) because it's 'easier' for him to just go by himself.</div>
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I just wanted to say, this is *totally* us. I get the kids on the weekend while Dh does yardwork, house repairs, runs errands etc. I keep asking him why he can't involve our kids, thereby giving me a break. They can play in the yard/garage while he does his thing. His reason? He can't keep an eye out for them while he's "working". "Its easier and faster to go to the hardware store by himself." Its like he can't do two things at the same time. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry">:
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ellp</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15428621"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I just wanted to say, this is *totally* us. I get the kids on the weekend while Dh does yardwork, house repairs, runs errands etc. I keep asking him why he can't involve our kids, thereby giving me a break. They can play in the yard/garage while he does his thing. His reason? He can't keep an eye out for them while he's "working". "Its easier and faster to go to the hardware store by himself." Its like he can't do two things at the same time. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry">:</div>
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Totally depends on the kid(s). I would never ask dp to watch ds outside while he's working in the garage or doing yardwork. Why? Because my ds can/will escape and wander off (down the sidewalk, in the road, etc). It wouldn't be safe and dp wouldn't get anything done because he would constantly be checking on ds. Same with the hardware store. I just wouldn't ask dp to take ds. He DOES take ds places, but they are places ds will do better at (toys r us, target/walmart, bookstores, etc).<br><br>
But I guess I don't get the whole "dp won't take the kids alone/bathe/get ready for bed/stay home with kid" thing. DP does all of those on a weekly basis (mostly while I am doing school work) and he's not even ds's bio-dad so hasn't been around all ds's life <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> Refusing to do something with the kid(s), including daily routines, wouldn't fly here.
 

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I didn't even need to read the post. Based on the title alone, my answer is NO! It is not right. If there are medical reasons why she can't leave during the day, then he can support her in getting help or figuring out a way to deal with them, but he is not her father and not her doctor. She is an adult woman, and can make these decisions for herself.<br><br>
He can express concern, he an offer alternatives, he can get angry that she isn't doing the way he wants her to, but in the end it's her decision and he has to deal with that.
 

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I'd like to see mine try <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
Steph, I think you and I would get along great.<br><br>
I can say that as a "stay at home mom" staying home all day, going out all day, neither one makes a lick of difference when that whole dinner, baths, homework, bedtime part of the day hits. It's still 4 hours worth of crap to do crammed into 2 and it is always chaotic.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamalisa</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15428669"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I can say that as a "stay at home mom" staying home all day, going out all day, neither one makes a lick of difference when that whole dinner, baths, homework, bedtime part of the day hits. It's still 4 hours worth of crap to do crammed into 2 and it is always chaotic.</div>
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My thoughts exactly! I'm typically home for most of the day, and it's still crazy between 4 and 8 no matter what I do.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamalisa</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15428669"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I can say that as a "stay at home mom" staying home all day, going out all day, neither one makes a lick of difference when that whole dinner, baths, homework, bedtime part of the day hits. It's still 4 hours worth of crap to do crammed into 2 and it is always chaotic.</div>
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So freaking true. I wouldn't be able to do it if my partner wanted to come home from work and lay around relaxing while I did everything. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/duh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="duh"> I get home at 3 (3 days a week I work, 2 days I don't... I pick ds up from school at 2:30 every day... come June I won't be working at all! I do go to school and am taking 3 online classes this summer). Technically I could have dinner on the table every day when dp gets home around 5 or 6. Do I? Nope. Maybe once or twice a month that happens <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> The other days dp comes home and helps cook (most often we cook dinner together), he cooks by himself or he plays with Owen while I cook. After dinner he either does dishes alone or we do them together (rarely do I do them alone). Some days I take off to the library to get some school work done (or lock myself in our bedroom to get some school work done) and he spends time with ds. I give ds a shower/bath 5ish nights a week. DP does it 2ish nights a week. I try to put ds to bed every night because I don't like missing out on that but if I had to then dp would have no problem doing it. We both work on laundry, dusting, vacuuming, straightening up, etc. Once ds is in bed THEN dp can relax <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
If dp came home from work and expected the house clean and dinner on the table? He'd be met at the door with a laugh. And a pile of laundry <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"><br><br>
And actually, since I have the summer off work dp and I had a conversation about staying home. Only dp was on the other side of the fence and wanted to make sure ds and I had enough things to do during the summer because he knows I'll go crazy if I have to stay home all day with ds <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> He fully understands not to expect dinner on the table every night when he gets home during the summer, even if I'm not "working".
 

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If he was saying that out of "concern" for her, then he ought to be concerned enough to act like he's part of the family during the evening and help out.<br><br>
Otherwise, he needs to get his head out of the 1950s and realize he's not her father-figure or her boss. Gross. She needs to realize it too!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MissLotus</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15429345"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If he was saying that out of "concern" for her, then he ought to be concerned enough to act like he's part of the family during the evening and help out.<br><br>
Otherwise, he needs to get his head out of the 1950s and realize he's not her father-figure or her boss. Gross. She needs to realize it too!</div>
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This. I would have lost it one DH if he had told me not to go out during the day. After having "conversations" with an infant/toddler all day I need to talk to someone over 4 feet tall, even if it is just "Your total is $2.56, here's your latte".
 
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