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<p>Ok small backstory first: Dh was with  his ex for 2 years when he was 23-25. He is 33 now. They have been divorced for 5 years, split up for the other years. When he got with her, she was pregnant. He signed on the b/c as legal father and that was that. He is the legal father. MIL lives next door to us. WE get step son a few days a week. Dh's ex just had a baby girl 3 weeks ago, with another guy of course. She asked MIL to babysit her baby because she needs to go back to work partime right now. For more info, her partner owns his own video store business, and she is going to work there like 4 hours a day. She could easily take babe with her because its a very slow business and they own it! Babe is only 3 weeks old goodness! MIL agreed to keep my husbands ex wifes baby. Its kinda bothering me. Its bothering dh too. I mean, we are having twin girls, the first blood grandchildren in two months. Probably less, they are due in two months. MIL is supposed to be helping me for the weeks after the babes are born b/c dh works long hours. Now shes taking on babysitting ????? WTF? And she said well, typically d(stepson) is not blood related to me and I call him grandchild so whats the difference with this baby.? OMG. She is having TWO granddaughters by her SON and she is going to call ex's baby her grandchild???? IDK it is just weird to me. She says she is doing it because it is d's sister. D wont even BE there while sister is there....he will be in school!!!!! I just dont know what to think. Maybe im over reacting because I am pregnant?</p>
 

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<p>MIL has clearly had a relationship with this woman for many years based on her prior relationship with your DH and the fact that they were raising a child together that MIL accepted as her grandson- I really don't see how it affects you in any way whether MIL wants to help her out with her new kid or whether she considers the child a "grandchild" or not. You're lucky to have such an open-hearted and open-minded person in your life. She appears to have a lot of love and time to devote to other people's kids, and I don't see how that can be a bad thing.</p>
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<p>You have a rare chance to have a large, happy, extended, blended family here- don't ruin it with drama.</p>
 

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<p>Im not ruining it with *drama* but I see where you might think I would be. I havent said anything to MIL about it. Nor will I. I am worried about MIL being hurt. The ex has in the past gotten pissed off at something or another and kept grandson from my dh and MIL. This would hurt MIL. But eventually of course ex gave in, because it is grandson. This baby is NOT grandchild in any shape form or fashion and MIL is going to get really attached to baby and then poof!! baby is going to go away to some other childcare facility/school/other relative that is actually relative. EX is using MIL. MIL is a people pleaser, ex knows this. Ex has done a lot of bad things to dh and family. This is ny concern and also the fact that the twins are arriving soon and she knows she is going to be needed by me and dh and her grandchildren but now she is going to be tied up with someone elses baby. So now she will not be able to help out like she said she would. So it feels like she is choosing ex's baby over the grandchildren, in a way. I just find it weird.</p>
 

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<p>Oh that would bother me too OP.   I think I remember some of your backstory unless I'm getting you mixed up with another poster.  I would not be happy with this current sitch.  Unfortunately not much you can do about it.  I would clarify with MIL though that she perhaps will NOT be able to help with your babies because she will be tied up babysitting.  You need to know for sure so you can make other arrangements.</p>
 

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<p><br>
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>lynsage</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283779/is-this-weird-or-not-you-tell-me#post_16096112"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>MIL has clearly had a relationship with this woman for many years based on her prior relationship with your DH and the fact that they were raising a child together that MIL accepted as her grandson- I really don't see how it affects you in any way whether MIL wants to help her out with her new kid or whether she considers the child a "grandchild" or not. You're lucky to have such an open-hearted and open-minded person in your life. She appears to have a lot of love and time to devote to other people's kids, and I don't see how that can be a bad thing.</p>
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Yes to this.  It's your MIL's decision.</p>
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<p>Your MIL is volunteering to help people who <strong>she considers family</strong> for 4 hours a day, and you're concerned that it will take time away from her helping <strong>you</strong>. Did I get that right? </p>
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<p>Wow. <img alt="disappointed.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/disappointed.gif"></p>
 

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<p>Well I can see why it would be somewhat "different" for you.  I'm trying to picture it in my mind (neither I nor dh have previous marriages so I don't have much to go on).  I think I might be jealous because she is going to be around a person my dh was previously in love with and has a history with.  However, its her decision and hers only.  If dh is uncomfortable with it he should speak with his mom.  It is a triangle between your dh, his mother and his ex.  Just ask her, without going into the reason, if she will be planning on helping you when the twins are born.  If she says yes take it at that.  If she says no then start figuring out plan b.  Maybe she and the ex have already discussed that when ex's baby is six weeks old or so when daycare would take baby she won't watch it anymore. </p>
 

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<p>I do not find it wierd at all. Your MIL developed a realtionship with the woman, and like a pp said, considers them family. For the record, my X-MIL has offered to babysit my dd with DH. I think it's fairly common. (I didn't accept, though, b/c I felt DH would be wierd about it.)</p>
<p>Having said all that, I can totally see where you're coming from, and I do hope that MIL is excited about spending time with your twins when they arrive.</p>
 

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<p>okay i will totally side with you... i think this is strange!! is MIL at least getting paid??? the ex sounds annoying for not wanting to take baby to work... yes ive done it, its hard but doable/worth it. if it is true that MIL is a people pleaser, i do not doubt that ex is taking advantage of her. and they were married for 2 years, not 10 <img alt="uhoh3.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/uhoh3.gif"></p>
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<p>i would line up other help and not depend on MIL at all. if she comes over to feed or visit the twins, okay great but to depend on her as a caregiver, no.</p>
 

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<p>Your Mother-in-Law considers them family.  I don't see anything weird about it, though perhaps a little different than how most people do it.  My Husband left me a year ago.  I've stayed close to my Father-in-Law.  (My ex-Husband as well, if that matters.)  I've since become pregnant (not my ex-Husband's) and my Father-in-Law brings me to doctor's appointments, either of them will be my ride to the hospital when the time comes, and my Father-in-Law refers to himself in regards to the baby as "Grandpa" (and my ex-Husband refers to himself as "Uncle K*****").  Most people raise their eyebrows at all this, give me "THE LOOK".  The way I figure, we're all adults, and the more people who love a child, the better.</p>
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<p>On a side note, however, if your Mother-in-Law will be babysitting and you're due in a couple weeks, I think you do need to clear up any childcare issues that might come along.  Taking care of THREE newborns is probably not a good idea at all, and something that need to be brought up asap.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #11
<p>THanks for all the different advice and replies. My concern was pretty much that she has been so excited about her first grandchildren, talking about the babies and how she cant wait to help , etc and then she goes and in my opinion contradicts what she says by accepting this sitting job. Obviously I cant go into the whole ex/dh thing on here, I dont have anything against the ex, I get along with her fine, its not that its HER, its just that I was counting on the help, I AM family, my MILs flesh and blood SON is family over this ex who uses people and takes advantage of them. WE should be MILs first priority regardless, in my  opinion. SHe told us she would be there for us, we didn't ask her, she offered. I feel like it was a lie, and it really has hurt dhs feelings more than mine to be honest. And when dh is upset, well, of course I get upset. Dh is going to talk to her, actually he was going to yesterday but I stopped him as he was so upset about the whole thing and I didnt want him saying anything he might regret. Dh will have the talk with her about if she is going to be able to help me or not now, I am not talking to MIL about any of it, its her business what she chooses to do, again, I just find it very weird given that I know the whole story/background.</p>
 

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<p>i guess i don't get how she is contradicting what she said by helping someone else for a few hours a day. where you expecting her at your house 24 hours a day? (not meant to be snarky at all, just clarifying) or was there a certain time of day that you expected the help like from 8-5 or something. are you paying her? maybe what she was thinking and what you are thinking are two different things. maybe she doesn't see it as an issue because she didn't plan on being at your house all day, unless she actually said that to you. </p>
<p>i have nothing to say about the EX. i mean not everyone wants to strap a baby to their back and go to work. i can't imagine leaving a three week old baby, but maybe MIL was only planning on helping for 3 weeks until the baby is old enough to go to daycare. do you know 100% what her arrangement was with the EX?</p>
<p> for some people blood isn't the only thing that makes family. if it was then should she have not loved the child your dh helped raise because he wasn't a blood related child? or just because now there will be blood related children she should stop loving these other kids? that seems unfair.</p>
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<p>h</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>lynsage</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283779/is-this-weird-or-not-you-tell-me#post_16096112"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>MIL has clearly had a relationship with this woman for many years based on her prior relationship with your DH and the fact that they were raising a child together that MIL accepted as her grandson- I really don't see how it affects you in any way whether MIL wants to help her out with her new kid or whether she considers the child a "grandchild" or not. You're lucky to have such an open-hearted and open-minded person in your life. She appears to have a lot of love and time to devote to other people's kids, and I don't see how that can be a bad thing.</p>
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<p>You have a rare chance to have a large, happy, extended, blended family here- don't ruin it with drama.</p>
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<p>Little harsh, lynsage. Strong Mama is talking to us to get perspective. Doesn't sound like anything has been "done" except for expressing some uncomfortableness.....<br>
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<p>I get that MIL considers them family and that's fine, but I can understand how it would feel awkward, especially right next door. Are there any lingering issues between DH and his ex?  Blended family? Yes, but also allot to get used to while being VERY pregnant and about to have twins. Take it slow Mama, see how it goes. Maybe your DH can talk to his Mom if it doesn't work well after the babes are born. </p>
 

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That would annoy the snot out of me OP, because it's totally something my mom would do LOL. My mother(God bless her) is a total people pleaser who bends over backwards for all the wrong people. The worst part is that all these people use her, unlike myself and my siblings who would do anything for her. I would never dream of asking my mom to do some of the stuff she does for her "other family". Do you think there's a chance that your MIL wants to feel needed, and doesn't get that satisfaction from you? If you and dh are pretty solid she may be looking for someone who really needs her help. Do you think dh's ex fits the bill?
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>scottishmommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283779/is-this-weird-or-not-you-tell-me#post_16098482"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br>
That would annoy the snot out of me OP, because it's totally something my mom would do LOL. My mother(God bless her) is a total people pleaser who bends over backwards for all the wrong people. The worst part is that all these people use her, unlike myself and my siblings who would do anything for her. I would never dream of asking my mom to do some of the stuff she does for her "other family". Do you think there's a chance that your MIL wants to feel needed, and doesn't get that satisfaction from you? If you and dh are pretty solid she may be looking for someone who really needs her help. Do you think dh's ex fits the bill?</div>
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<p>Hey, that's my mom too! <span><img alt="winky.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/winky.gif"></span><br>
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Discussion Starter #17
<p>I still think its weird and will never understand it lol. MIL is supposed to be basically at my beck and call after the babes are born. Basically she will be right next door, and whenever I need her, she will come. She volunteered to sit in the house with me all day while hubby is at work(he works 11 hour days) for the first few weeks especially if I have a c section. I didnt want her to sit in the house with me all day but compromised with I will call her when I need her. If I happen to need her while shes dealing with ex's baby, well I wont call her if I know shes busy. That was the agreement that we made anyway, just to clarify. Its really not a big deal to me. I have looked after both my children by myself and am completely capable of handling two at one time by myself, I was basically agreeing to the help for her sake, not mine anyway. I know I will need help with cleaning/cooking and she can do that when shes not babysitting. Dh was really the one more upset than me. I just still find it weird, I was just asking if others did or not.</p>
 

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<p>Is your MIL still close with the ex? I'm curious how the ex came to ask your MIL... If there's a relationship between them perhaps your MIL felt guilty about saying no. Is your MIL being paid to watch this baby? Does she need the extra money? For how long does she plan to babysit this baby?</p>
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<p>I can see it being slightly awkward, but honestly I'd probably just let it go. I'm sure your MIL still plans to help you with your twins, and if she's only watching this baby 4 hours a day, there's plenty of time for you, as well. </p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Strong Mama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283779/is-this-weird-or-not-you-tell-me#post_16098288"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>My concern was pretty much that she has been so excited about her first grandchildren...</p>
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But these aren't her first grandchildren. Your DH is the legal father to his ex's boy, right? Does she really refer to your babies as her first grandchildren? If so, how does your DH feel about that? </p>
 

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<p>I don't think it is weird but untraditional. But many of us here fit in the "non"-traditional catagory.</p>
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<p>Maybe try to be thankful another mama has someone to trust to help her out. I know you said she could bring her baby not all people can juggle this.  I have an at home job, I am very thankful I don't have a little one around.  I could not juggle it.  </p>
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<p>Your twins are not born yet.  And they are not her first grandchildren.  Yes, they might be her first blood grandchildren but your dh obligated her to love a child as her own blood.  Devaluing the connection and obligation because dc is not blood is a smack in the face to adopted, step-children, step-parent.  </p>
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<p>I do wonder if she is having trouble negotating the relationships and bonds that are established.   My dh and bil corrected there mom when she said our second child was dh's first.  Biologically yes, but emotionally no.  BIL's first 3 children are not genetically his. It was a mental shift she had to make many years ago then had to recheck.  </p>
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<p>I don't think mil is trying to be harmful, but having a hard time managing emotions and obligations.  </p>
 
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