Mothering Forum banner

1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
149 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
before having a toddler, i had no idea that clinginess is a common phase. but mine seems a bit extreme. if i dare to leave the room to go to the bathroom, hang up a jacket, whatever, my son calls out, "wait for me" and follows me everywhere. he has even started to sit just outside the bathroom while i shower ...even though my work-from-home husband is available to play with him.<br><br>
i know i should treasure this time when my son wants to be with me all the time, but i've always reacted strongly (negatively) to what i view as being smothered. my mother smothered me and i feel like this is my karma to resolve my issue with it through my son.<br><br>
anyway, is anyone dealing with this level of clinginess? btw, he's 2.5 now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
93 Posts
But I think "clinginess" is a pretty negative term for it. He is still just a baby, really. In a nuclear family situation, mothers are everything to children--their security, their fun, their amusement, their teacher. Humans are also social creatures, and children especially learn from, develop, and LIKE being around other people. Why wouldn't they want to be where the action is? Children want to be with their moms, with people. Why would they like being off by themselves somewhere?<br><br>
I've hardly gone to the bathroom alone for 3 years. My son does follow me everywhere when we're at home together. We also moved 3 times the past year, and I think there was/is a level of security for my son in knowing where I am.<br><br>
If my husband is home or his grandmother is visiting, it's different...he wants to know where I am, but will happily spend time with them. If other kids are around, he will play with them. He is 3 next month, and there are signs that things may be shifting a bit.<br><br>
For me, the key has been to have other people around as much as possible (including mother's helper), get out a lot with my son, get little breaks for myself as much as possible (two nights a week my husband puts him to bed while I go out--he says he prefers me but does OK with this)..and also now that I see how fast he is growing, I know before long things will be very different. So I actually have a level of appreciation for it, which I couldn't for a long time.<br><br>
I also highly recommend "Raising Our Children, Raising Our Selves," by Naomi Aldort. She looks at how our own self-talk affects the way we interact with out kids. Children push our buttons and we both grow from where we rub up against each other. Also, "You are Your Child's First Teacher" has a nice way of looking at what children need developmentally. At this age they are really all about the physical, exploring, learning at that level.<br><br>
Maya
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
257 Posts
<span>Clingyness. I call it that too sometimee. I can't go tot he bathroom by myself or shower or change or anything either. My laundry is downstairs so dd sit int he basket while I carry her up and down the steps anywhere from 1 -6 times a day. But hey my arms are AWESOME! LOL this has seriosuly helped me loose the lbs big time! I just think that they love you. SO much that they want to be with you all the time. They think the world rises and set on your face. I mean they worship you. I think thinking of it like that helps me get through it. To little ones we are amazing we can do so much and that just amazes them they want to learn everything we do so they follow us. ALSO a big PLUS is that if they follow you into the bathroom and you explain what you are doing in steps they are more likeyl to potty train faster. Seriously. I have 4 and of the 3 that are potty trained my youngest boy and older girl BOTH followed me relentlessly and I just explain each time I was going an dhad the baby potty seat next to time they were both potty trained by 2. Over night potty trained too. My oldest had no desire to follow me and he didn't he didnt train until 3.5, LOL So take things in stride it will be okay.</span>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,951 Posts
My dd is like that, too. If she doesn't see me she says "Mommy, Where are you?" She is also 2.5. Get someone to come to your house sometimes. My dd forgets about me when we have company. I get a break to pee alone then.<br><br>
I think its just something we have to go through. I try to not let it get to me. I remember following my mom everywhere, too. I think we are kind of programmed to do that so we don't get lost from our mama's. It keeps us alive and safe.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
224 Posts
SAme here. My daughter is 19 months old and follows me everywhere. We have a very small appartment though, so even if she wanted to be alone I'm not sure how she would do it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">. We have everything arranged for minimal space- the "changing table" is a wooden board with mattress over the bathtub, that's where she is when I shower, go to the bathroom etc. I don't mind (anymore, I did in the beginning) as long as I can do what I wanted to do anyway, so this works out fine for me. THere's a chance we might be moving soon, so I'm curious to see how things will work out then....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
725 Posts
I think it is a normal stage, but some kids take it more seriously than others. All of mine have folowed me, none of mine have been great potty users till a good bit older though, 3 or so, despite it.<br>
My 2 1/2 year old drives DH up the wall sometimes, if I am home he will happily play with DH, if he knows I am gone he won't have anything to do with him. DS gets so wrapped up with Mommy's gone! And doesn't want to be comforted, it is very hard sometimes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,415 Posts
DS, 21 months, has pretty much been like that his whole life, super clingy, very suspicious or even terrified of new eople and unfamiliar surrounds, high separation anxiety bordering on social phobia and guess what- inexplicably I decided I had to, had to, had to do something good for myself, so I began bringing him to the nursery at the gym last Sunday. Normally this would have resulted in complete meltdown, Rosemary's baby style, he would freak completely, get all sweaty and scream the whole time until he wore himself out- nursery time was not even an option. Anyway, he cried a bit on and off but did OK, then he did better the next day and so on and so on. He is doing great now and the social strides have been remarkable. We've been to playdates a few times since and he runs right into the fray and begins to play with the other kids, before he would have clung to me desperately. He didn't want to leave the nursery today, he was having too much fun coloring. It has been a weight off my shoulders. I know this sounds like something that is for another mom- well good for you, la-dee-da, but seriously I was the other person, the one who thought that this phase would never end and I would have to resign myself to a life with no social interaction or going anywhere new ever. If DS can overcome this any child can! I promise you, it will be OK!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,746 Posts
My son loves me as much as yours loves you. I hope I deserve it.<br><br>
I do ask my husband to entertain him when I shower or when I'm doing something that is very had with a toddler present. Otherwise I just enjoy it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
374 Posts
OH YEAH! I cant go anywhere with out her. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,530 Posts
I think it is pretty normal for a toddler of this age, who is securely attached to mama. My DD is 28 mos, and needs to know where I am, and prefers to be with me. If I am in the bathroom, she may play in my bedroom, but she does like to stay nearby.<br>
As Maya noted, developmentally, a two yr old is really meant to be with mama; not ready to face life alone, so they do want to be within eyesight of mama. IME, as you meet those needs, they develop confidence, and so we are paying now for independent children later. It is tough on mama to never have a moment alone, though - I hear you there! It does get better, I promise; and you will be so glad you put the time in to allow him to grow at his own pace.<br>
Maya gave you a good rec with that book. Another one which is helpful for understanding child development and stages is <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FYour-Two-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ames%2Fdp%2F0440506387%2Fref%3Dpd_bbs_sr_1%3Fie%3DUTF8%26s%3Dbooks%26qid%3D1206065931%26sr%3D8-1" target="_blank">Your Two Year Old</a> which is a series; dated but chock full of helpful info, which helps me know which behavior is totally age-related, and not a parenting issue, KWIM?<br>
HTH!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
284 Posts
Yup. She's my "hold me" baby. For months not only was she with me in the bathroom, but I had to hold her. She was with me pretty close to 24/7, and when DH traveled (every other week for most of her 2yo year) it was truly 24/7, as there was no one else, and that increased her anxiety a bit.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,119 Posts
I think this type of neediness is normal. DD is 2.5 and I can't cook dinner without her begging me to "hold me, mommy, hold me, hold me" in desparation. One of the hardest things for me recently has been finding time to shower. DD screams if I even suggest that I'll be taking a shower... even when DH is home to entertain her.<br><br>
I think, though, as she asserts her independance in other parts of her life, she still needs a connection to me. And any time I seem to put distance between us, she needs to know she can still connect. I suppose this phase will pass too, though. Some day I'm really going to miss how much of a role I have in her life right now. I LOVE how much we are connected (on most days!) right now.<br><br>
...although, it would be really nice to pee on my own for once. Yesterday I let her draw in marker all over her toes because I just wanted five minutes to pee by myself!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
149 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
you are all such wonderful mamas! thank you for your perspective and wisdom. i will try to check my attitude and language and embrace these days. i will also check out the books you've recommended.<br><br>
since my husband does work from home, i do get breaks. i get out for a run about 3 days a week and sometimes run errands alone or meet girlfriends. my frustration isn't so much about not having time alone, it's more about not being able to walk around freely in my own home. if he just followed me everywhere, it wouldn't be so bad, but he wants me to wait for him to play with his trains a little longer or whatever before he accompanies me to the bathroom or to fill up his water glass.<br><br>
some days i don't think i'm cut out for mothering a toddler. i'm just not patient enough.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,611 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>3littlebirds</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10831327"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">my frustration isn't so much about not having time alone, it's more about not being able to walk around freely in my own home.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nod.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nod"> I'm right there with you! This is one thing that just drives me crazy about having small kids. I want to be able to move around from one room to another without hearing anguished shrieks from my kid! If I think of something I want from upstairs, I just want to be able to run upstairs and get it and come back down again without someone crying for me because I didn't take them, and without having to carry anyone up with me, or having to stretch it into a 10 minute long thing because I have to let my kid slowly make up her way up and down the stairs with me! My DD, thank god, is over that stage now, and DS isn't nearly as bad as she was, because he has her to play with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
522 Posts
I have the same... my Dd is 26 months, weighs 30 lbs and pretty much wants to be carried everywhere. She won't walk or ride in a cart at stores, she wants to be "on me" all the time... time and time again I ask "why can't I have nice, small childrn who I could sling at 2 and not dislocate a shouder. I just can't do it any more. I have a hernia... I have to have surgery nxt month and can't imagine this recovery.... But that is also another post.<br><br>
She is my 3rd (last) baby. My sons loved to be int he sling, but by 26 months they would walk... yesterday we went to the library, I had to carry her from the car to the library, in, down the stairs, then I forgot something, had to go back up the stairs and out and then back down, allt he while carrying her... I was like "yeah, THIS is why I have a henia". But if I put her down she FREAKS out.... screaming, throws herself ont he floor and won't get up... Sigh....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
193 Posts
My DS had a phase at around 2-2.5 of not wanting anyone else but me and I guess being very clingy. He's now 3 and it's passed but he still likes to know where I am and comes with me to the bathroom etc along with the dog and sometimes the cat! I'm sure it will pass, I think there is a huge difference between smothering and a clingy phase, I wouldn't worry too much.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,405 Posts
Yes, but he just wants in on what I am doing. He says "wanna come too!" I think it is very normal. And honestly, I will miss it when he doesn't want mama all the time! DS is 23 months.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Top