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<p>I have posted ad nauseum about my marriage and husband... not necessarily here.</p>
<br><p>Long story short, we both have our issues but he cannot accept boundaries (namely, that I'm not his employee) and he uses emotional abuse to try to wear me down. He also has an anger problem and yells at the drop of a hat. Sadly, his yelling has infected our whole house and it usually takes me a week after he leaves to get back to normal, when I can even hear myself and my kids yell. Those are the two main reasons I want to leave. But I feel bad for the children, naturally. They love their dad and they don't know any different. (Even if I divorce, they won't know difference because no way in hell am I taking another chance and putting my kids through that again... ugh).  </p>
<br><p>What is bugging me now is how easy it is when he's gone. How much I get done. How for a month, I couldn't get the car repaired, my tooth fixed, start tutoring, get the house clean, or anything, and we even ate fast food several times a week twice last month! But since he's been gone... all of a sudden, we have food, we have a clean, tidy house, I have done the "chores" he left me (let's not even get started, suffice it to say since I have given up on setting boundaries, I just do whatever I feel is important to me, and don't do what I don't want to do), started lessons, got an appointment for my tooth, and now all I have left is the car.  </p>
<br><p>One week.</p>
<br><p>What I want to know is, <strong><em>if you have a mildly normal marriage, one in which you are not thinking of divorce, does that happen?</em></strong></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Is your life massively more complicated and hard when your spouse is here?  I work part-time from home but I can get child-care during that time.  All I can think is that I am literally losing hours of my day (probably four on average) answering the phone, saying no, and basically negotiating my way out of his ridiculous demands.  How can that be?!?!</p>
 

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<p>Yes and no. DH and I have a great relationship but I do think that we're less productive when we're together. However, it's not because of the kind of thing you're talking about -- it's because we tend to let things slide because we spend so much time talking (not usually about anything serious, just "shootin' the shit" as they say).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What you are describing is far from normal and reminds me a great deal of what happened when my ex-H and I split up. All of a sudden, I was able to keep up with everything, keep my apartment clean, get stuff done, etc., because I wasn't spending all of my time either depressed or getting emotionally beaten down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>--K</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
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<p>What I want to know is, <strong><em>if you have a mildly normal marriage, one in which you are not thinking of divorce, does that happen?</em></strong></p>
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<p> Yes, pretty much.  I don't know that it is all that unusual.  Some of what you said about the yelling, etc., would really bother me but as far as getting everything else done and keeping things in order, it is easier with DH gone.  He is just like one more (giant) kid, but worse. </p>
 

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<p>just wanted to say I'm watching this.  My DP is the same.  He's gone a lot for work and it's so calm and peaceful when he's not here.  I am the "yeller" in the family and I yell a heck of a lot less when he's away.  I am interested to hear what others say about  your situation.</p>
 

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<p>I don't think I have what you describe as a 'mildly normal marriage,' but....</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I've spent the last year posting here about my issues with DH and my increasing ambivalence about our marriage. Then he went away for three weeks and it was WONDERFUL. I was relaxed, happy, had all sorts of extra time, the house was clean, the kids and I all got more sleep. I have two threads about it <a href="http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1272724/happy-and-feeling-very-guilty-about-it-update-post-16">here</a> and <a href="http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1276700/s-o-making-a-plan-just-in-case-update-sort-of-26">here</a>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It is great to hear other's perspectives, to know what is typical and what isn't, but after that, only you can know what to do next, if it's worth hanging in there and working on it or if it is time to make a plan.</p>
<p> </p>
 

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<p>DH and I don't always get things done because, when we're together, we sometimes take the chance to just relax and watch TV or talk or read or whatever. But, when we decide to knuckle down and do stuff then yes we are good together. Usually one of us will have the baby and the other will do some jobs. If she's asleep then we'll both do stuff.</p>
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<p>The house is messier when we're both here but that's just because there are two people living in the space, creating dishes, using things etc. It is *not* because one of us treats the other like a servant or has unrealisitc expectations. And there is no emotional abuse. At all. Ever.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>OP, your situation sounds awful. I'm sure your girls would miss their dad but the idea of them "not knowing any better" than their father abusing their mother doesn't sound like a way for them to grow up and have healthy relationships.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #7
<p>I would love for us to do stuff together.  However, he is obsessed with his business so every sentence that comes out of his mouth is regarding sex (can we have sex no you yelled at me and did not apologize and I don't want to have sex with you can we have sex I said no can we have sex are you even listening to me can we have sex are you deaf? seriously? can we have sex? I already answered can we have sex can we have sex can we have sex can we have sex BYE I'M GOING SHOPPING NOW can we have sex) or his business (did you send the packages yes were they registered mail sigh yes why are you sighing? I'm not sighing don't do it if you don't want to I really don't care please let's not argue no if you don't want to don't do it then make a big deal about it what are you talking about what big deal see now you're arguing i said I sent them is that a big deal you always argue are you kidding me is this really how you want to spend the evening it's not me it's you making a big deal i've been on my feet all day, I sighed, can you deal with that? why do you have to talk back oh my God I'm going to bed now can we have sex?) </p>
<p>I would pay for a conversation that went, "How was your day?" "Fine, yours?" "Okay, I got the packages in." "Great. Let's sit down. I'll do the dishes later." </p>
<p>No, wait, I wouldn't. Because he wouldn't do them, and then he'd tell me that I wasn't managing. Sigh. </p>
<br><br>
Just wondering if normal households managed better with the man there. Funny how few normal marriages are posting, LOL!
 

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<p>Yep. Life is day-to-day much easier when DH is gone. Nighttime routines were easier when DH worked nights. He's just.... He's great, but he's not very helpful, and he has needs/demands of his own, and he makes messes, and he wants things a certain way, and so on. And then he distracts the kids and that makes things harder. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>So, I very much miss him when he's gone(he was gone this past weekend for three days) but life is definitely "easier" on a functional level when he's away. </p>
 

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<p>In my experience, things are MUCH easier when dh is around.  We are a team, and two adults get more done than one.  Also, with two kids in different stages, we can "divide and conquer" when necessary (clothing shopping, at bedtime, at amusement parks, etc).  We can also "tag in" and "tag out" so that each of us gets a break during the day/week.</p>
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<p>I have noticed that things are <em>neater</em> when dh is not around as much (even just during the week, as compare to the weekend).  But I think that has more to do with the way we spend our time when we are together.  We go places together as a family on the weekend, while ds and I spend a lot of time at home during the week while dh and dd are at work/school.  So there is simply less cleaning getting done, in addition to 2 extra people around to leave shoes out, leave out books, etc.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There are more arguments when dh is around, and more general peace when he is not, but that is his personality interacting with the kids.  He and dd butt heads, but are best buddies as well.  I, otoh, am more of the "peacemaker" in the family.  It gets loud sometimes when dh is home, but it doesn't necessarily get unpleasant.  There is a lot of laughter in the noise and conflict.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>So that's a snapshot of our "normal" (ha!) marriage.</p>
 

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<p>A lot gets done when my spouse is home.... He will help with homework, cooking if I ask (though I rarely do), chores if need be... I do do a lot of the household stuff because he works and I don't so it is only natural. However he will do things if it will help me or if I ask. If he were to not be around for a few days, less would get done honestly.</p>
 

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<p>The house is cleaner when dh is gone.  He goes to CA every year for a trade show and I get lots of cleaning done because there is nothing else to do (and he is kind of messy<span><img alt="redface.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/redface.gif">)</span>. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>We get more "projects" done when he is home, though.  This week, for example, we got our garage cleaned out and the old, broken down smoker in the back yard torn down. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>In some ways it is easier to have him gone, but I miss him terribly.  We do have normal conversations and enjoy each other, though.  I know my sister really prefers to have her dh gone because he is such a pain in the a$$ when he is home.  Very similar to your dh, yells at her about how she is doing things, etc... </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I hope that you are able to get out of there soon.  It is very draining to be criticized all the time.  Good luck.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>karanyavel</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278888/it-s-easier-when-he-s-gone#post_16039956"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>What you are describing is far from normal and reminds me a great deal of what happened when my ex-H and I split up. All of a sudden, I was able to keep up with everything, keep my apartment clean, get stuff done, etc., because I wasn't spending all of my time either depressed or getting emotionally beaten down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>--K</p>
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<p>I agree with this. Have you talked about divorce with him? Would he be willing to see a therapist with you?<br>
 </p>
 

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Discussion Starter #13
<p>Yeah, the background stuff is totally messed up and I know that... it's all a question of when and how at this point as DD2 is 18 months and he's deploying in a week.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I was just kind of wondering... is this a symptom?  It's so hard because when you're dysfunctional, everything seems connected to that but in reality, life is hard even for the best of couples so I want to weed out my mental garbage, so to speak.  That metaphor didn't work, LOL.  My apologies.</p>
 

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<p>I don't know if my marriage is normal, but some things are easier when DH is gone.  He's a great husband and dad, but he is very chatty and disruptive sometimes.  He wants my attention, he wants to have sex, he wants to go out for lunch, go to the movies, go hiking.  He wants to play video games DS when I'm trying to HS.  DH works from home, so when he isn't traveling for work he is always here.  He loves us and we are his main social interactions, so he wants to BE with us.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>We tend to procrastinate when we are together.  If I want to get things done, I just either do it or tell him these are our (DS and I) plans for the day.  When he really gets on my nerves by being around too much, we all go hiking or I go out with friends.  I notice when he's gone, DS and I are much more socially engaged.  We go to see family, have people over for dinner, DS's friends are here more.  Dh is much more introverted.  The house is cleaner, simply because there is one less person here and I can tell DS to clean up his messes without it turning into a fight.  DH does house work, but his priorities are different then mine.  I don't feel as obligated to make a big dinner when DH is away.  DH has mentioned it's easier to keep the house clean when I'm gone.  Plus parenting is sometimes easier because there are no differences opinion.  However, after 4-5 days, it's clear I'm not interested in being a single parent and I really miss him.  It's more peaceful when  he is gone, but a little dull and flat.   </p>
 

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<p>It might be a symptom.  But I think you already have plenty of other symptoms to know something is wrong, yes?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Before I was married, I thought being together with my husband 24/7 would be *wonderful* and would have just died at the thought of him being gone for 18 months (which he is, at the moment).  How could I survive?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Well, I did.  And even before that, I found that it is easier for me during the week when he's working and has a fairly predictable schedule than during the weekend.  It's not that he's bad, and it's not that we don't get a long.  It's just that the dynamic changes when he gets home, and that throws the children off, and that throws me off.  I like Routine, and dh is kind of fly by the seat of his pants, so when he's home for the whole weekend, I never know *what* we're going to do, and it's difficult to make plans.  Also, he feels very badly about himself if he doesn't have some kind of work to do.  So it's kind of depressing when he's around feeling like that.  I'd rather have him working hard, and be exhausted but happy when he's home.</p>
 

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<p>In a lot of ways, yes, it is easier for me when my dh is gone. We have a pretty normal, very loving marriage. I miss him when he is gone. But I am so busy and so focused on taking care of everything that it is easier to get things done. I am less likely to put things off for another day when he's gone. I am less likely to spend a whole morning in bed (with dh) and letting the kids destroy the house when he's gone. My dh is military and even though he wears a uniform and *should* only add one load of laundry a week there is much less laundry when he's gone. It is easier to "be an adult" when he's gone, schedule appointments, take the car in for oil changes, etc. Bedtime is easier when he's gone because he often comes home right as the kids are drifting off to sleep and they all seem to have daddy radar and leap out of bed the minute he walks in the door no matter how quiet he is. Plus, when he's actually home I don't want to clean the house and I certainly don't want *him* to clean the house, I want to see him! He works a lot but generally gets one weekend day off (when he is home) and we don't do anything productive that day. I cook 7 nights a week when he's gone. When he's home we usually cook a big dinner together on any days he's off or he cooks for us but I am also pretty likely to order food or even go through the drive thu on our way somewhere.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not everything is easier, going grocery shopping with 5 kids is obviously much harder than leaving 3 or 4 kids at home with daddy. Going on fun outings is often easier (and more fun) with dh. I can take a shower without someone running in and out of the bathroom all of the time when he's home. I can send him out to get me a latte (or go alone) instead of loading everyone up for every little thing. He takes the trash cans in when he's home. I definitely prefer to have him home but yes, in some ways it's easier when he's gone.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #17
<p>Thanks, ladies.  I appreciate the perspective.  It really helps me be less resentful and to focus on the real issues when I hear of other marriages, relatively happy (if imperfect... aren't we all), in which this happens.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My husband has now been in the military nearly two years and wants to make it a career.  I was actually really happy when he joined as I thought frequent breaks would be good for us and also, I thought he might be reformed, as we've had trouble since DD1 was born, though it wasn't until I was pregnant with DD2 that I realized how bad it was getting.  :(</p>
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<p>I feel very guilty wishing he was gone, because that means deployed, which means in danger, and I want my kids to have a dad, plus his parents would be devastated.  I would be very sad to lose him as a person though not as a partner.  But the way he treats me makes it really hard for me to be happy he's around.</p>
 

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<p>Life is much, muich easier when dh is home. We "tag team" <em>everything</em>. I'm cooking and dd2 freaks out to be fed? DH takes over cooking and I nurse dd2. I'm not feeling well, but need to run an errand and just can't face doing it with all the kids underfoot? DH takes the kids so I can run the errand. DS2 falls down and trips over dd2, so they're both screaming? DH grabs one, and I grab the other...hugs all around.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The only difficulty added by dh's presence is with...flow? I'm not sure what the word is. I'm home with the kids all day, and I run the house the way it works for me. So, that's what the kids tend to think of as "normal". DH has slightly different priorities, so he does things a little bit differently. That means his way ends up feeling "different" to the kids. It's not a huge deal, though - and I'd much rather have him here than not!</p>
 

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<p><br>
OP - Have you considered getting counseling on your own while he is deployed?  It may be really helpful for you, on your own.  What you're describing is not normal for a healthy marriage, IMO. </p>
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>karanyavel</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278888/it-s-easier-when-he-s-gone#post_16039956"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Yes and no. DH and I have a great relationship but I do think that we're less productive when we're together. However, it's not because of the kind of thing you're talking about -- it's because we tend to let things slide because we spend so much time talking (not usually about anything serious, just "shootin' the shit" as they say).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What you are describing is far from normal....</p>
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<p><br>
"Yes and no" is true for us, too.  During the week, we are more productive than the weekend.  On the weekend, when we're together, we're relaxing, reading, or talking together and we tend to be less productive.</p>
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<p> </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Storm Bride</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278888/it-s-easier-when-he-s-gone#post_16049943"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Life is much, muich easier when dh is home. We "tag team" <em>everything</em>....</p>
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<br><br><p><span><img alt="nod.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/nod.gif"> </span> The day-to-day is easier with DP here because I get a lot of support.</p>
 

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<p><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>EdnaMarie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278888/it-s-easier-when-he-s-gone#post_16039853"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I have posted ad nauseum about my marriage and husband... not necessarily here.</p>
<br><p>Long story short, we both have our issues but he cannot accept boundaries (namely, that I'm not his employee) and he uses emotional abuse to try to wear me down. He also has an anger problem and yells at the drop of a hat. Sadly, his yelling has infected our whole house and it usually takes me a week after he leaves to get back to normal, when I can even hear myself and my kids yell. Those are the two main reasons I want to leave. But I feel bad for the children, naturally. They love their dad and they don't know any different. (Even if I divorce, they won't know difference because no way in hell am I taking another chance and putting my kids through that again... ugh).  </p>
<br><p>What is bugging me now is how easy it is when he's gone. How much I get done. How for a month, I couldn't get the car repaired, my tooth fixed, start tutoring, get the house clean, or anything, and we even ate fast food several times a week twice last month! But since he's been gone... all of a sudden, we have food, we have a clean, tidy house, I have done the "chores" he left me (let's not even get started, suffice it to say since I have given up on setting boundaries, I just do whatever I feel is important to me, and don't do what I don't want to do), started lessons, got an appointment for my tooth, and now all I have left is the car.  </p>
<br><p>One week.</p>
<br><p>What I want to know is, <strong><em>if you have a mildly normal marriage, one in which you are not thinking of divorce, does that happen?</em></strong></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Is your life massively more complicated and hard when your spouse is here?  I work part-time from home but I can get child-care during that time.  All I can think is that I am literally losing hours of my day (probably four on average) answering the phone, saying no, and basically negotiating my way out of his ridiculous demands.  How can that be?!?!</p>
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<p><br>
When dh used to travel, things were easier in some ways because we could live off of chicken parm and fruit for a week, and I didn't have to maintain his work wordrobe. But after 3 or 4 days, the stress of having 2 little ones on my own would start to build.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now, bedtime is easier just having dh there to back me up (he is in school so doesn't participate much during the week). When dh needs "secretarial" things done like applying to college, ordering transcripts, paying tuition, it tends to such up a lot of time; but this isn't a daily event. If I wasn't in school now (currently 1 class online, 1 child in school and 4yo home) the house would be close to spotless ;o)  If there is something dh wants me to do he asks, and also tells me how time sensitive it is (i.e. "when you get around to it" or "by Friday").</p>
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<p>Dh and I could NEVER work together. Early on in our marriage I would have to remind dh from time to time that I was NOT his Airman (I outranked him anyway ;o) ; he can have difficulty separating his work personality from his home personality.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><span style="font-size:8px;">I already have my degree, but I am updating some skills using my MGIB.</span></p>
 
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