[familylove]

OK, usually I'm pretty good at ignoring my mom's parenting advice, but this is bugging me.

My brother has an 8 mo DS. At a recent family gathering, SIL was telling my mom that their DS is now sleeping in his own bed for the most part. My mom gushed on and on about how great and important it is to get him in his own bed. She has also made a point of asking me if front of other family members if my 4 y/o DS is *still* sleeping in our bed. Finally, my mom and I were talking about post-divorce times when my brother and I were kids and she said my brother wanted to sleep with her, but she just didn't think that was normal or appropriate (he was 5).

My mom is very supportive of the other parenting choices we've made and often compliments us on the great job we're doing. (Although there were some serious awkward moments when I told her I'd be BF--she didn't, and I wouldn't be spanking--she did). So why is it that co-sleeping is such a problem for her? I should add that my mom's motto in life is, "What will the neighbor's think??"

Every couple of months she offers to buy a bed and bedding for DS and I find myself refusing the offer simply b/c I don't want her thinking that I feel it's time for DS to be in his own bed.

I'd love to have a one or two line response that would shut these conversations down, or any other words of wisdom that those of you in similar situations might have.

 

[dentmom3]

My one liner for all these types of situations is "you had your turn, these are our kids" Said firmly, it has stopped DMIL on many a tirade and still works from time to time.

My heart goes out to you as I am lucky that largely the family has not asked us what we do, how we plan to raise, etc our kids. So while my parents spanked, no one has raised an eyebrow that we have made a decision not to. Nor do they comment when I say that the kids were in the bed with us. Our kids do have their own beds and rooms, but are free to come and go as they please from ours. If I get a comment I just reply like I said above. I've told MIL if she wants another child to raise she can have one, but these are ours to take care of. My other comment for the neighbor who butted in once was that if she thought we had 'good' kids and felt they were well-behaved and sweet and kind and funny (all things she has commented on before), then what we are doing in our family must be working for all of us. That kept her pretty quiet too.

Best of luck to you!

 

[amygoforth]

My mom also thinks were nutso for co-sleeping. Her favorite thing to say about it is, "I just wish you'd get that boy in his own bed." Although, I must say she's backed off now that DS1 happily sleeps in his "big boy bed."

What I always say to shut her up is, "I know it's different from the mainstream, but it truly works for us and we love it. I wouldn't have it any other way."

 

[georgia]

I've always said things like, "I appreciate your concern. _____ works really great for us so it's not up for debate." Or, just because it's different doesn't mean it's wrong. Or my wordy comeback "Just because sleeping apart is culturally typical doesn't mean it's biologically normal"

 

[chandasz]

My mom is very supportive of our other parenting decisions-- BFing, etc. but the co-sleeping freaks her out too. We've discussed it... her thing is that kids need their "space" and need their "independence"... she thinks the AP thing is a "fad" just like all the recommendations that preceded it that are now "outdated". She said "aren't you glad you're having another girl so we don't have to be all stressed out about circumcision". When I told her I wasn't stressed about my decision that I wouldn't circumcise- only she was... she changed the subject. LOL. I love my mom. We don't always agree. We share our opinions. We move forward. She had a VERY different upbringing than I (she was horribly abused)- she broke the cycle. Now I'm breaking it even further.....

Take a deep breath and know that most people that we love and that love us are trying their hardest and speaking from a place of love!

 

[awnja]

The part about offering to buy bedding regularly makes me thing she's pretty hung up about it. I would point out that her obsession about where her grandkids sleep is weirder than the fact that they sleep with you. I've always been able to empathize with those who think co-sleeping is strange because I did too before I was a mother. (pregnant, really. I started getting used to sleeping with her before she was born.) But when people obsess about it and try to get others to stop sleeping with their kids... THAT'S just creepy to me. Why do they care so much? I don't get it.

My mom is looking forward to when my two-year-old night weans because she wants dd to sleep at her house and doesn't want to be woken up every few hours. But she's become pretty patient about this. My MIL, well, I don't think she knows whether dd sleeps with us all the time, but she knows she does when we travel. MIL probably doesn't agree with it, but totally minds her own business. I think she thinks the same thing I do... who cares??!

Julie

 

[josybear]

MIL spent 200$ on a crib set, knowing perfectly well that we don't have a crib and don't want one. as was her plan, dh felt horribly guilty and wanted to get a crib so we could use the crib set.

sooner or later dh will forget we have that crib set and i'll ebay it.

 

[Voltige]

This is a problem for us too, although not as much as EBF will be. My ds is 11 months old and is sleeping with me. DH sleeps in the guest room! I just tell my mom "he's happy, I'm happy" and she just smiles. She just made new "black out" curtains for ds's room though, so I know she's still trying!

 

[majikfaerie]

Oh how I LOVE it when someone says "its not normal"

Normal:
-sneaky conniving children in constant battle against their parents, and vice versa (just watch any 'family' sit com for 10 minutes)
-kids who fight with their parents and slam doors at the drop of a hat
-ADHD and ritalin
-need Child psychologists, family therapy, and actually need to pay a shrink for the rest of your life.
-teenage runaways, drugs, sex...
-college dropouts
-obesity.

all this stuff is pretty "NORMAL" according to some statistics.
is that what you want me and my kids to be??

When my mum tries to hassle me about any parenting stuff, I just look at her and say "what you want me to do to my dd what you did to me!?" and that shuts her up quick smart

 

[familylove]

Quote:

Originally Posted by awnja The part about offering to buy bedding regularly makes me thing she's pretty hung up about it. I would point out that her obsession about where her grandkids sleep is weirder than the fact that they sleep with you. I've always been able to empathize with those who think co-sleeping is strange because I did too before I was a mother. (pregnant, really. I started getting used to sleeping with her before she was born.) But when people obsess about it and try to get others to stop sleeping with their kids... THAT'S just creepy to me. Why do they care so much? I don't get it. Julie

Exactly!! She is hung up on it. Next time I'll ask her why it bothers her so much. And I know what you mean about understanding why people think co-sleeping is weird. I remember telling others and myself, "I will *never* co-sleep!" But a baby is such a life-changing experience there is no way of understanding how it will change your beliefs, thoughts and actions. So while I try to be patient with people who "don't get it", I also want them to stop sticking their nose in my business

And thanks, mamas, for the suggestions and commiseration

 

[boheime]

When ds was a baby, my MIL asked when he was going to start sleeping by himself. I asked her when she was going to start sleeping by herself.

 

[MOM2ANSLEY]

Quote:

Originally Posted by josybear MIL spent 200$ on a crib set, knowing perfectly well that we don't have a crib and don't want one. as was her plan, dh felt horribly guilty and wanted to get a crib so we could use the crib set. sooner or later dh will forget we have that crib set and i'll ebay it.

Actually I love ds crib. I truely think its cute....and when I throw all the bedroom clutter in it our rom suddenly looks clean.

 

[BelovedK]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MOM2ANSLEY Actually I love ds crib. I truely think its cute....and when I throw all the bedroom clutter in it our rom suddenly looks clean.

 

[CRosewhisper]

My Dad thought I was nuts when I rejected his crib offer because my baby was going to sleep with me. Tried to tell me I'd kill him in my sleep or I'd never get him out of my bed. I just answered rationally and told him the facts. It doesn't come up anymore since he knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on with his 7 year old daughter in bed with him and his wife. The only time she sleep apart from them was when she was in a crib! ha

But if he did bring it up I'd just say that this was our "normal" and his grandchildren are healthy and happy and that should be his only concern. good luck!

 

[LolaK]

Current issue of Mothering has a short blurb about the British researcher Margot Sunderland who says that 5 years old is the youngest a child should move out of the family bed.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article...9265_1,00.html

 

[kisagotami]

I say let her buy a bed, tell her you want a twin size bed and make it all up, you don't have to use it until your ready!