[Mother2Amaya]

Well, my milk did come back in somewhat and I am able to get maybe a milliliter of milk per pump and another milliliter with hand expressing. This is on domperidone, Mother's Milk tea, oatmeal... all of it. My daughter screams when I try to get her to latch and I can't position her to save my life.

I've had tons of bad advice from LCs, no support at home or from family. In fact, yesterday was my husband's birthday and his first father's day. I went out and got him DVDs, a balloon, take out food, and a cake. He says, "I'm not really a cake person."

:

My dh and I have had issues lately. He has been looking up porn on my work PC and A) that can get me in trouble and B) he does it in the room with dd.

Albeit she is sleeping but I still feel creepy about it and I am disgusted that he does this while I am STILL not recovered from my C-section (in fact, I'm still bleeding at 9 weeks pp and they think there may be retained placenta.) He does help with the baby but is unemployed, won't clean up after himself, and basically plays videogames all day or sits on Ebay.

I weaned off of my Zoloft for PPD at the request of my husband because I was "too forgetful" "too sleepy" "loopy" and now I feel utterly horrible and like i can't handle everything. I cry a lot. I get soo frustrated with dd... thank God she is so forgiving of her mama but I am so tense with her and that is the problem with trying to BF.

I don't want to give her formula. I want to do what is best. I want to deny vaccinations, feed her organically, cloth diaper her... but I just can't. I feel like such a failure. I am too tired to fight with doctors, do research to cite statistics. I can't earn enough on my own to buy cloth diapers. I can't afford to keep renting the hospital grade pump. I don't have time to stop and pump even with cleaning, cooking, washing dishes, bottles, running errands, going to the store for diapers, changing diapers, bathing a screaming child, formula changes, WIC appointments, doctor appointments for me, doctor appointments for her, trying to sign up for all of this affordable housing because we are 3 people in a 1BR with $660 a month rent and no hot water, carpet with fibers coming out, with people fighting outside every night, no hallway lighting, 4 washers and dryers to 100-some apartments. I have no car insurance, my tabs (plates) are due, my car payments are behind.

My baby is screaming right now and I'm about to LOSE MY MIND.

My husband? Sleeping.

I just can't do this b.s. anymore. I really can't. I feel like one woman lost in a maze of somebody elses life.

I feel like honestly picking up, leaving my husband, and starting over somewhere. My own family are alcoholics who lost custody of their own children. I've completely lost it.

 

[Quirky]

Oh, mama, I am so sorry you are in such a bad place right now.

First things first - you need to take care of your health. That is the absolute #1 priority. Please call your OB TODAY and get in there to talk about your health concerns. #1 being your bleeding/feeling about a retained placenta and #2 being your mental health. PPD is a chemical imbalance and if you need an anti-depressant to feel better then that's what you need to take - your dh's feelings about you being loopy are irrelevant. If Zoloft wasn't the best choice for you there are other meds to try, like Celexa or Lexapro (just examples, there are lots out there).

Second of all, don't worry right now about the stuff you can't control. Cloth diapers - yes, they're better, but that's a small-ticket item. Organic food - she won't be ready for food for months and months and you can figure that out then.

Third, the stuff you can control - such as vaxes. You do not have to vax your daughter on anyone's schedule but your own. If your gut is telling you not to vax, then don't! You can always do your research later when you are in a better place physically and mentally. You do not have to convince your ped that you know what you're talking about by citing statistics - all you have to say is "We're not vaxing today, we'll let you know if and when we want the vaxes."

Fourth, your dh needs a swift kick in the ass.

Does he know how angry you are, to the point you're ready to leave him? Let him know, and then TELL him what you want and need him to do. Make him a list, and set some conditions. Password protect your computer so he can't use it - he shouldn't be online AT ALL, let alone looking at porn, when there's so much that needs to be done!

Mama, you can get through this, but you can't do everything all at once. Baby steps - let's get first things addressed first!

 

[Quirky]

I'm posting a reply because this is so important I don't want it to get lost in my longer post:

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.

You have a lot to deal with, but you are not a failure! You are a good mama facing some hard issues, and you're dealing with them as best you can. Let me repeat:

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.

 

[DaryLLL]

Oh god I agree! You have been dealt a bad deck of cards and have to make the best of it. Your dh is being less than no help, he is a burden. I hope you can make him wake up and smell the coffee.

It sounds to me like you have too much on your plate to try to relacate right now. I would not usually say that, but you are under tremendous stress! If soy formula or Nutramigen are all she can take and you can get those from WIC, go for it. Let go of guilt. There is only so much one woman can do. And you have NO HELP. New moms need help!

It sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship with your dh (is he also physically abusive?). He is looking at porn and rejecting your fathers/bday gift? He is demanding you go off anti-depressants? that is not his choice. He needs to grow up, fast. if he won't, dump him. Find an apt with a roommate or something.

One more thing. A retained placenta is a prime cause of inability to lactate.

And, skip the baths if she screams. Just wash her face, hands, creases and bum with a warm washcloth, while on your lap for now. She will eventually start to like baths.

 

[OwensMa]

I agree with all of the above. I also wanted to add that retained placenta may be why your supply is low. You should insist on having it assessed.

 

[simonee]

Oh amy you're so NOT a failure! That's a tough place to be.

I agree that you have to prioritize. Go to the doctor ~ if it is retained placenta, it may decrease your milk supply. So by fixing that, the feeding will become better.

Ignore your dh as much as you can. He's no help now, so let him do his own stuff. He can be dealt with later, right now you need to take care of you and your baby.
The diapers, theo rganics... it's all nice, but also not the most important thing. It will come and work when it's time. Lucky for you, you don't have to do anything to not vax.

I see you're a member of the twin cities tribe. Please let them help you ~ post a link to this thread, ask them. From what I've seen, the Mdc tribes can really help each other and pull each other through this type of thing. OR shall I post a link to this thread there? I promise, if you ask they WILL help.

:

I'll be thinking of you

{{{{{{{{{{{{amy}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[bec]

s, mama. You are doing such a great job! You are definitely not a failure!

Like the others have said, you need to set your priorities. The first has to be your health. Please, please get a dr. to check you out. This goes for the anti-depressants too. To reiterate what another poster said, this is not your husband's call. He does not have the right to demand you go off meds.

Second, is food for yourself and your family (including formula for your dd). Call or go to your WIC office and ask them for help, food stamps, or something. Everyone needs to eat. It's not an option.

Third, is you car. You need reliable transportation.

This is probably where I would put the pumping.

Way down on the list would be housework and cleaning.

It sounds like your DH needs a wake up call, and a swift kick in the butt! He needs to be supporting you and not insulting you or rejecting gifts. He needs to be helping you find solutions to your financial problems. He needs to get off the computer! Surfing internet porn with your daughter in the room (sleeping or not) is 100% inappropriate. If she's asleep, he should be doing the dishes or laubdry. He should be applying for jobs online. If he's hurting you, leave.

s, again. And I second the advice to ask for help. You really need it! You're holding a lot together at a hard time. Find someone to lean on

Bec

 

[Lucky Charm]

Amy, I am so sorry

You are not, i repeat, not a failure! You have alot going on, and my heart aches for you.

 

[kimberlylibby]

I really hope you can go back on an antidepressant.

I know how important my AD was to my sanity, and I think I can hear your frustration in your post.

It's not your husband's choice, it's yours. He doesn't have to live in your skin and feel how awful PPD is. He doesn't get to make those decisions!

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.

I hope you can get in TODAY to a doctor and get back on the meds, and get some help with the bleeding.... that does not sound right, especially after a c/s.

 

[Rainbow]

The board just ate my long reply. ARG

Listen to the other mama's- ITA wth them. You "partner" is being a burden. I am always the first to encourage people to work it out. My spouse and I came from a hopeless relationship to a really great one. but we were both there trying. You can't, and won't, fix the relationship alone. No matter how much you want to.

PLEASE allow your local AP mama's to help you out. All the stuff you listed are really just details. Let them go and come abck to them later. All Amaya really needs is your love. Run a warm bath and climb in with her- maybe the water will be more comforting in your arms and it would be a great excuse for you to get a nice long warm bath. My youngest and I had a bit harder time bonding and bathing has been the best thing for us therapeutically. babies don't need much- she doesn't care if you eat scrabled eggs for dinner. She doesn't care if your house is emssy. She'd probably love if you took a nap while you napped. She doesn't need to worry about all those details. Try putting everything you can to the side to be dealt with later. For now worry about as much skin to skin contact and in arm time as you can muster- let the rest go. Thankfully that will be equally healing to you. Skin touch and sunlight are two great things you can do for your depression as well (and get back on your zoloft mommy- I'm on it to)

As for your partner, he's obviously making your life harder instead of easier. If I were you, I wouldn't allow that. You don't even have to commit to working at repair if he asks you to. You can just leave. Or you can leave and continue to date him if you feel the relationship has potential. There is no rule you must live together because you have a child.

Worry about your bond with Amaya (and yes you can have a great one while FFing) and allow all the other worries to go. Sounds silly but do something visual to release them. Maybe write each stress and worry down on small papers and put them in a jar. As you release them from your mind release them from your jar (burn, bury, trash) and watch your stress list shrink. If it is something you want eventually- put it in another jar. Goal Jar. Then you can choose when to open the goal jar and take it on.

Is there anyone locally who can help you? The limits of the computer are frustrating. You need some TLC mama! Please keep us posted and keep talking- we all care.

 

[cjr]

Please go and see your doctor and go back onto your meds. Your health is much more important than you dh's stupid unsupporting opinion. You have not failed. You have only just started to relactate and what you're pumping is what I'm pumping and I started before you. I'm on the full dose of Domperidone and I eat oatmeal every morning, I'm taking vitamin B complex and Brewer's yeast, and I'm drinking a beer every night. I notice that some pump sessions I have a great outcome and others not so great. I have also had to resort to feeding ds with a dropper to keep him interested in nursing. It was very hard to get him to latch and very stressful. This whole process has been very stressful. If it's to much then don't be so hard on yourself. I stopped bf'ing him because of low supply and PPD. I know where you're coming from. I started relactation at 13 weeks, if you need to stop and regroup then do it. You can alway try again later when you're up to it. The most important thing is you. Your daughter NEEDS you. She will do fine on the formula, but she needs you to be well and happy so she can be well and happy.

I cd, but not at night because I don't have the money for a good night time system. I only have 15 diapers and slowly I am getting more. It is a big upfront expense so don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe you can get a couple at a time and work your way from there. She's going to be in them a long time. You can start with cpf's and simple prowraps, which are cheap. I also know a great link where shipping is free and her prices are very reasonable.

Please see your doctor. Know we are here for you.

 

[rupiezum]

Oh, mama, you have not failed. Just the fact that you can pour all of what you are feeling into a post here tells us that you are fighting to stay on top of things - and you are brave and honest and doing the best that you can in very difficult circumstances.

So many other wonderful folks have given you great advice in the psots above, so I'm not going to repeat most of that - I *am* going to repeat one thing, though, and that's the bit about calling your OB. The meds will help. If your husband has a problem with the meds, then tell him he can damn well talk to a medical professional about it.

You're hanging in there, mama, and we're all here to help in whatever small ways we can.

 

[2lilsprites]

I don't know you, but I want to offer you some support. I second what others have said about the retained placenta possibly hindering your milk supply. I would get that checked out ASAP, and while you're there, I would get put back on Zoloft or on another AD. Zoloft is my miracle drug. I've had an anxiety disorder my whole life, to the point that I have never felt "real" I feel like I've lived my whole life in a daze, and 50 mg a day of Zoloft has given me a brand new life. PPD is not a good thing to have to deal with on your own. And the side effects go away eventually, it took me about 4 or 5 weeks before I wasn't loopy anymore. As far as you being a failure, that's nonsense. Your "partner" may be making you feel like that, but in no way does that make it true. You can never be a failure when you're trying your hardest to do what's best for your child, and it sounds like you're going above and beyond the call of duty there. Get your health and your home life straightened out, then worry about the smaller details. I really hope things start looking up for you soon.

 

[MamaAllNatural]

I'll keep it brief because the other mamas have already said it so well. You are NOT a failure. You have a lot on your plate right now. You don't deserve to be treated this way by your dp. Please follow all of the other mama's advice. Take care of yourself and you'll better be able to take care of your baby. That's all you need to focus on right now...you and your baby. I hope things look up for you soon. Please keep us posted.

 

[QueeTheBean]

Wow--I feel so bad for you. All I can think is that I wish I could be right there with you & just give you the biggest hug in the world while you cried and cried and cried.

Being a new mom can be so hard, especially if you have no real help--it just shouldn't be like that. You are not the only one who has felt like this, though.

No mom is perfect & is able to do everything on her wish list--you know? Take those baby steps--one thing at a time--food/clothing/shetler mentality for a while, OK?? --until you are feeling better. No one could expect to get much done feeling the way you do. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I'm on Zoloft, myself--it doens't make me feel the way your DH described. Maybe tehre is another drug you could try???

Let us know how you are doing.

 

[QueeTheBean]

Lordy--sorry for my typos, above.

:

One more thing: my favorite quote from Mr. Rogers:

Quote:

Many mothers feel severely pressured these days. They often feel like they're falling short in one part, if not in several parts, of their lives. They often feel like they're failures. Well, people aren't failures when they're doing the best they can. Our performance doesn't have to be measured against anyone else's-just against our own abilities to cope

. Fred Rogers

PS-- your DD is ADORABLE!!!

 

[MamaAllNatural]

Quote:

Originally Posted by QueeTheBean PS-- your DD is ADORABLE!!!

Yes, she is!

Please check in with us and let us know how you're doing mama.

 

[Mother2Amaya]

Thanks everyone.

I have an appointment tomorrow to see about the bleeding and talk about the PPD again. I reallllllllly don't want to stop pumping/trying to get her to latch. I will feel like such a bad mom and so guilty for giving her formula.

: At the same time, I feel so overwhelmed with activities but how do I explain that to dd one day, "well I had too much to do and couldn't give you the food you deserved?"

Ugh. Total guilt trip.

The things you all have said in every post have given me a little strength and knowledge to get through today and I realize that I'm not completely crazy and that my feelings are valid on these issues.

Simonee - feel free to post a link... I'm not the brightest mama on the board and probably couldn't figure it out that well.

I do have an appointment for WIC for myself on Friday and an appointment to sign up for (insert swallowing pride here) food stamps but they couldn't get me in until July. Amaya's 2-month check up is on Friday too. See what I mean about all this stuff I have to do?

I work at home, and obviously it sounds great, but I can't get ANYTHING done and I work based on production. My FMLA leave is over on July 2 and I have to be back to producing work the way I was before I had Amaya and I can see myself getting fired at this point. I called about even putting her in morning daycare (which I can't afford or want to do) and found out it was $161 for MORNINGS ONLY 5 days a week. Add that up and the work I could produce in those hours wouldn't even cover the cost of the daycare!

:

I am REALLLLLLLLY trying to be a good wife, good mother, make educated choices, and do what is best for my family.

But by the Grace of God go I...

 

[captain optimism]

Retained placenta?!? Oh my GOD!

You are getting your dh take out food and birthday cake and you might have a retained placenta? And he is looking at porn on your computer instead of taking care of the license plates on the car, the dishes, the housecleaning, the formula and the diapers? If you might have a retained placenta--why isn't he freaking out and taking you to the doctor! WTF is his PROBLEM!

Please report back to let us know that you are okay! The retained placenta is so damned scary!

 

[Mother2Amaya]

Well I'm going to tell my OB tomorrow about my worries and responsibilities and get the bleeding checked out. In the meantime, I am scared to even hold my own baby because every time I do, she cries like she hates me. My husband is resentful of me because she wants him all the time and he thinks that I don't take care of her enough but I can't get any of the other stuff done if I have her all the time anyway.

My MIL's reaction to the porn stuff?

"well... he's a guy. the baby is too young to see anything anyway. if it wasn't a knock-down, drag out fight, that's no reason to ruin a relationship over something so small."

:

:

She may find it appropriate but I do not... no matter what my dd's age. and I feel resentful of him becuase we haven't had sex but one time since I've had the baby because of all of the bleeding (and it hurt) and then he did the porn thing... it made me feel that I drove him to it.

That and the fat comments have really put me over the line lately. I've busted my ass trying to find ways to change myself to make him happy and can't do that either and don't feel right doing that.

Honestly? I always saw myself at an all-women's college...Smith or something... and finishing school, setting a good example for dd and raising her in a very liberal, progressive place where she can be accepted and loved, things I wish my own mother would have done for me. I've never included a man in the equation. I feel like telling dh, either you do this and get a job or whatever, or dd and I have to move on with our lives and we can do visitation or whatever.

Ugh.