I've seen myself naked. Saw my doula. Not in the same order.

Of course I'm a goddess, but either before or after I realized that I noticed a few things.
I have big brown boobs. Good for the baby. Looks kinda wierd though.
My stuff looks like old lady stuff. No more youthful "stuff" going on down there. Even the hair looks like older woman hair. *sigh* Not that it's a huge priority but whatever.
My butt. It has spots all over it as if I'd had zits the entire pregnancy and not even known about them. Embarrassing. Because I know they are probably zit scars. I wonder what it's like to have a nice round smooth and somewhat tan butt??? Must be cool.
Anyway.
Oh yeah, I have some stretch marks that appeared over the last two days. On the underside of my belly on each side. Let's hope that they are the only group and they stay tame.
Weird since I feel so much smaller than last time! But my belly button has popped out and my ribs are sore, and I've been getting really bad cramp/nerve pain in the evening. I guess it's because it's been 5 years.
Met with my doula today and she's like "I think it's going to be a smaller one this time". We discussed how a big baby would be great and all but for a girl it's not always the best to be like 20 pounds at 3 months old like my son was. On a boy it's to die for but on a girl it might be different. That's serious stereotyping but I've been in a nasty mood the last few days so I guess I can be nasty.
I still think a fat baby is a wonderful baby, boy, girl, whatever though. Contradicting myself? I dunno.
Anyway she was asking me what I wanted to do while in labor, what I did want what I didn't want and I was all "Geez, I dunno." I felt like an a**. I honestly don't know. This is different this time and she totally agreed. I told her we'd fly by the seat of our pants. But I definitely didn't want her to bring the birth ball. Tried that last time and it felt evil.
So anyhoo, showed her where stuff was in the house. Showed her the enormo-bed where I imagine everyone gathering when the baby is born, etc etc.
Oy, my in laws sent a bday card to my husband and it said something like "see you in July", like the end of July. I'm already feeling the anxiety. The funniest thing is I'm most concerned about what I'm going to feed these people. We're not grocery store sort of people even though I use a lot of coupons, etc., we don't do a big shop every couple of weeks like most people. Basically it's like not too affordable for lack of a better way to explain it. We're not big meat eaters so it's not like I have this big stockpile of steak and chicken and blah blah blah. And they're from Texas. So I'm worried about that. And I know we'll be sooo broke from me not working. I'll have to organize my cabinets or else my mil will.
I'm going to try not to think about it and just concentrate on the moment. In a way I'm thinking this could happen any second! Probably a combination of all the birth stories... Dani, who was due after me already had her baby... The fact that I'm 37 weeks today.... On the other hand I feel like I'm in no rush and it's just not happening. Doesn't stop me from holding my breath every time I go to the bathroom and look at my underwear lol!
Not too much of a change in how I'm feeling except for extra extra female-dog like in the last two days. I also can't breathe at times so that tells me the baby is still floating around. At Target yesterday I think I almost passed out. It was weird! I felt strange and sat there and squatted while my son played xbox there and I felt better but my pulse was racing and thinking of that made me even MORE paranoid. Hasn't happened since. Could have been a panic attack!
So anyway, I'm shooting for 6/21 or 6/22. Or even later is fine. Doula says 6/13 because it's her birthday but I said as much as I'd love that, I want to wait until my landlord is gone after the 17th.
Man I'm tired.
I'm going to sleep.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz
Karen