Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,084 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, I really did not have a good title for this and after looking at all the forums, it feels like this is the best place to post this since the issue is more with my ex and his soon to be wife and not my son.<br><br>
Be patient this is going to be long but after weeks of debating putting myself out here, today was the final straw.<br><br>
I separated from my ex-dh when my son was 1, our divorce was a long drawn out affair spanning years because ex wanted full custody and fought me long enough that I eventutally agreed to joint custody. Our divorce was final when ds turned 5, I remarried not long after our divorce was finalized. During the years of legal battling, ds lived with me ft. Well not less than a year after I remarried, my ex moved 1100 miles away from me and decided he wanted our son with him. Due to many factors that 10 years later I now regret, I allowed ds to move in with his Dad <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">. They were in Maine and I was in Chicago. Ds was 6 at the time this happened.<br><br>
I spent the next 4 years racking up serious frequent flier miles for both my son and I because being 1100 miles away was more than I could handle. When ds turned 10, my current dh & I relocated to Maine to be close to my son and try to make joint custody truly a joint affair. In deciding to move to Maine we gave up the financial comfort of 2 very good positions and being in a place where we were well connected professionally. In moving to Maine, we knew that financially it was going to hurt because there is little work in my dh's field, so he went freelance. In my mind it was worth it but as you will see momentarily my ex IMO never cared about shared parenting. The first year was good, saw son all the time, thought things were good.<br><br>
Well after the first year, my ex decides to move to NH which while I was not happy about, the reality is the location he picked was only an hour and 10 minutes from us so I dealt with it.<br><br>
The summer when my ds turned 12 is when things started going south, that summer while ds was at my house all summer, my ex connected with a woman I have known since I was 10 ( I went to grammer school back in Chicago with her) and and moved her and her 4 kids in to his house. She was fleeing a bad marriage (her ex it turns out molested 2 of her daughters <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">) and she wanted to get far away from Chicago. So my son goes home to an instant new family, my son knows none of them and my ex in his haste to create a new family seemed to disregard my son's feelings. My ex didn't mention any of this to me beforehand, my son told me on a weekend visit after the summer that his Dad had a girlfriend they now lived in this house. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
Honestly I was not happy but what could I do? (looking back I should have done something but the years it took to divorce this man left me scared about any more legal battles with him) Later that year I discovered I was pregnant and my dd was born the next summer. My son handled his sister's arrival well and loves her granted they are almost 14 years apart.<br><br>
I guess the major stuff started happening last summer when ds was 15, once again ds was with me and my ex calls and tells ds they are moving to WI because his lady-friend is homesick for the midwest. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: I end up taking to ex on the phone and we ended up having the mother of all nasty dicussions, I won't go into the drama but it was bad. I considered taking legal action but my son asked me not to because he was tired of us arguing over him. As hard as it was to let him leave this area after I moved out here, after I dug myself in a financial hole and only just started making roots here, I felt that at 15 I needed to honor my son's wishes.<br><br>
My ex told my son that if he gave WI 6 mos and didn't like it, he would have no problems with ds moving in with me. Yeah, that's the part I forgot ds did not want to do but he didn't want me and his Dad fighting. So last summer, our summer visit was interupted because ds had to help his Dad move out to WI. So I lost 3 weeks of the summer schedule, now when they moved his Dad told me ds could fly out here monthly for visits. In the first 4-5 mos we did monthly visits but it was extremely costly and hard to coordinate without having ds missing at least a day of school because of the flight schedule. Its also not feasible for me to fly out there monthly with a nursing toddler.<br><br>
So from Jan of this year to now, I have only seen ds for a week of spring break in March and now he is here for the summer. I didn't even get to see my son on his 16th birthday in Feb <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">. Which leads me to the breaking point of why I am even posting.<br><br>
Today the ex calls and announces to ds that he is finally marrying the girlfriend, he wants ds to be his best man and the wedding is August 15. That would be next month and ds is supposed to be here until Sept 1. I have to be honest, I have put up with soooo much over the past 15 years from this man but this really is like the final kick in my butt. So our plans that we had to go camping mid-August are shot because ds despite not liking the woman his Dad is marrying or her kids (only 2 are still at home now the other 2 moved out) he wants to support his Dad and be at his wedding which I am not mad about. What I am mad about is why does it feel like my summer plans always get messed with, there is also the reality that after this summer, there is only 1 more summer visit before ds turns 18 and is ready to do his own thing. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> So to me these visits are even more precious as my son stands on the brink of adulthood.<br><br>
I suppose if flights were not so expensive now maybe I could have ds go to the wedding and come back but flights now are 2x what they were a year ago, so that is not reasonable. Heck, I don't even know how the heck I will afford his Thanksgiving and Christmas flights since they are already running $1000 on Southwest for both visits versus like $400 last year.<br><br>
How do you co-parent in this type of situation? I am losing my mind and I think dealing with my ex is harder now that I have another child if that makes any sense. According to the last addendum on our custody papers, we are supposed to go to mediation to settle disputes before going back to court but this man would not go. Then there is the issue that after years of legal crap, my son does not want us fighting over him, so I am trying to respect that. Thankfully my dh is a patient man, but now that we are far away from friends and family (my family is 1100 miles away, dh's is in AZ and CA) and with my son not even here, there are times things get stressful here.<br><br>
Again having another child, upped the ante so to speak, I spent so many years circling around the ex trying to keep the peace but when dh & I had a child the dynamics changed. Last summer my ex actually said, why didn't we move back to Chicago. Well that did not go over well with my dh and while I am not in love with Maine, fact is we are here, we bought a house here, our dd was born here. One day we will leave but when we do its to go where we want to go.<br><br>
I have talked to my son and at this point he just wants to finish HS in the same place, while he does not like WI, he is close enough to visit with my Dad and brother whom he adores. He is doing well at school, involved in drama, has a job he likes. As he told me if he moves in now with me as much as he wants to, it would be his 3rd HS and he just does not want to start all over again. Practically speaking, I agree with this especially as he plans to go to college and doesn't want to have a different transcript for every yeart of HS. So while my heart is broken that he will stay there with the ex, right now I just want to see my son as much as possible.<br><br>
Sorry, I am rambling, but has anyone had a situation like this? Thanks sorry for the long post.<br><br>
Shay
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,208 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm so sorry!<br><br>
I don't have any significant experience to lend since my kids' dad, my SS's mom, and DP and I all live w/in a few miles of each other. I did want to say, though, that I'd tell your ex that DS will come for the wedding on HIS dime. He can pay for a round trip ticket that returns him to your home the day after the wedding so that you don't lose more than about 4 days of your time with him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
853 Posts
Wow, I am so sorry you have had to deal with all of this stress for so long. We have felt very similarly to you in the sense that we walked on egg shells with DH's ex for years just to keep the peace. We were grossly taken advantage of by her as far as time we gave up to appease her. DH finally put his foot down last year, and it has been a sh*t storm with her ever since. It is so frustrating. I can see how it must be even more so for you at this point because he is so close to 18yo that it probably seems pointless to have a major battle with your ex even if you DS said he wanted you to. kwim<br><br>
As for the wedding, the only way I would agree to it is if your ex paid the entire round trip ticket for your DS to go there and return back to you in the least amount of time possible. I am talking like 3 days. You should not have to sacrifice anything else for this man. If it means so much for his son to be there, then he should have no trouble picking up the tab.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,126 Posts
I would also say no to the wedding unless the x pays a round trip ticket for a very short stay. If the x refused and my son wanted to go I would probably cave though. I'm so sorry this sounds like a terrible situation.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,166 Posts
I don't understand why you would be paying the travel when he's the one who moved. And especially for the wedding.<br><br>
I'd probably tell him to buy a RT ticket for a 3-day trip around the wedding, and I'd also add 3 days to compensate on the end of the summer (if his school schedule allows), and tell your ex to pay the trip change fee so he can return later.<br><br>
There's no reason he has to go back so early and stay for just a one-day event.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,084 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>PoppyMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11624486"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would also say no to the wedding unless the x pays a round trip ticket for a very short stay. <b>If the x refused and my son wanted to go I would probably cave though.</b> I'm so sorry this sounds like a terrible situation.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Pretty much this is it, my son wants to support his Dad and be his best man, and for me considering that ds is 16 I feel like I have to honor his desires. My son's perspective is that if he goes to the wedding, he will just stay there and go back to work early (his job is being held for him) and start earning some money since he has been unable to get a summer job here. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
My ex is not a reasonable human as far as splitting any costs related to travel since they moved last year, at Christmas time, my ex got my son to the airport late, ds missed his flight and it was me who ended up paying the cost difference (ds was flying on a voucher I had). The ex was like oh well, if you want to see him you cover the costs. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: Anytime I have tried to press the issue, I get the old, you wanted a divorce, should have thought about that before you split us us. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
Because ds is almost an adult its much harder to talk with ex because he pretty much sends messages through ds who of course does not want to be in the middle and I feel like my hands are tied. This kid is amazing considering everything he has gone through with both of us and the nasty legal battles which is why I have tried to take the path of least resistance. At one point things were so bad that my ex-MIL who I still consider family tried to intervene on behalf of my son last year (ironically she is an attorney and guardian ad litem) and my ex stopped speaking to his own mother for months because she dared to tell him that the move was wrong and that he should reconsider.<br><br>
Due to ds's age in reality I don't feel like I can say no, really feels like my hands are tied <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">. By the time he leaves he will have been here 8 weeks and part of me is like is the last 2 weeks that big of a deal? By the Mama in me feels like yes it is, next time I see him after summer will be 4 days in November and then a week at Christmas time. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Summer right now is the only time we really have to connect and for him to be with his baby sister who adores him. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I feel like its bad enough that I am battling the fact that ds is growing up and as this summer is showing me, he has his own interests now. But its been 15 frickin years since I ended my marriage to this man and he is still trying to control everything. Which of course all my anger about the ex caused me to blow up at my dh today in public no less.. ugh....<br><br>
Shay
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,678 Posts
shayinme,<br><br>
you are having experiences very similar to my boyfriend and his 15 year old daugther. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">. I'm so so sorry. Her mom pulled a lot of the same things, wedding scheduled in the middle of visits, "missed" flights, etc. There really are no words for the hurt.<br><br>
What finally happened after a whole bunch of crap was that DP and his daughter's mom met with DSD's therapist for a few hours to work through the stuff that was preventing them from coparenting effectively.<br><br>
Maybe your son would be glad to have a therapist to talk to, and at some point you and your ex could meet with the therapist. All that moving and rearrangement and travel must be taking a toll on your poor son.<br><br>
My DP's daughter normally comes on breaks and 7 weeks in the summer. She skipped Christmas, he went to see her for a few days at spring break, and this summer she's here for 2 ten-day visits. So their time together is shortened drastically. It sucks, but at their age you have to honor their wishes or it will just alienate them in the long run.<br><br>
You will all be in my thoughts.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,126 Posts
I feel so badly for you shayinme but, honestly, 8 weeks is a long visit already for a kid his age. He sounds like a great son and I would respect his wishes in this as sad as I would be.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,084 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>fek&fuzz</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11625841"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It sucks, but at their age you have to honor their wishes or it will just alienate them in the long run.<br></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>PoppyMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11625932"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I feel so badly for you shayinme but, honestly, 8 weeks is a long visit already for a kid his age. He sounds like a great son and I would respect his wishes in this as sad as I would be.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Both these points are really what I have been thinking about a lot this afternoon. That for ds at 16, spending 8 weeks in Maine while he loves it here and is happy to be with me and see his best friend (who lives in NH) 8 weeks is a long time for a 16 yo and in his mind leaving 2 weeks early is not as big a deal to him as it is for me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Fek & Fezz, you mentioned not alienating him, in the end I don't want to do that. Despite the distance, we have always had a great relationship, heck I consider it a high honor that he calls me his best friend on his my space page. When he is not here we talk or text almost daily so I feel like we have always stayed connected despite my ex and his antics. I also keep thinking that the relationship we have now will lay the foundation for the type of relationship we have when he is an adult and in the end that is more important to me than demanding my face time but again as a Mama its so hard.<br><br>
Thanks for allowing me to vent and just get this out, it doesn't change things but getting it out does feel good. Instead of focusing on him leaving early I suppose I should focus on the month we have left and enjoying that time together.<br><br>
Shay
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
982 Posts
Shay, I hear two things here. First is your pain and patience. Second your young man's intent to have a family, no matter what nonsense the grownups may be up to. It sounds like he's gone along, sucked it up, made peace, been real cool, because he just, in the end, wants to keep his family.<br><br>
The time may be coming -- if it hasn't already -- to have a sit-down with him about what he's willing to pay, and what he's actually buying. Both of those are up to him to determine. But I count among my closest friends guys who behaved very much as your son does, and I'll tell you, in adulthood, it takes a toll. They're eternally the stand-up man, doing whatever's necessary to make sure things go smoothly, but they do seem to surround themselves with crazy people and get themselves into crazy situations, and in those situations they're the ones carrying the world. Which becomes unbearable when they've also got normal adult responsibilities to handle. One of my friends is now 42 and only just learning to step out of that role.<br><br>
Your son undoubtably knows his dad is a selfish ass, but is making excuses for him and feeling his own sense of propriety, strength, and giving. In one sense that's nice; in another it's called selling yourself short. It's harder to see when you're young and invincible and believe you'll have endless energy for everything. But the idea that being family cement is not required, and that endless, thankless giving and accommodating is not required -- not to you, not to his dad, not to anyone -- well, permission to think those thoughts may be useful for him, down the line.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,084 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mama41</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11626575"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Shay, I hear two things here. First is your pain and patience. Second your young man's intent to have a family, no matter what nonsense the grownups may be up to. It sounds like he's gone along, sucked it up, made peace, been real cool, because he just, in the end, wants to keep his family.<br><br>
The time may be coming -- if it hasn't already -- to have a sit-down with him about what he's willing to pay, and what he's actually buying. Both of those are up to him to determine. But I count among my closest friends guys who behaved very much as your son does, and I'll tell you, in adulthood, it takes a toll. They're eternally the stand-up man, doing whatever's necessary to make sure things go smoothly, but they do seem to surround themselves with crazy people and get themselves into crazy situations, and in those situations they're the ones carrying the world. Which becomes unbearable when they've also got normal adult responsibilities to handle. One of my friends is now 42 and only just learning to step out of that role.<br><br>
Your son undoubtably knows his dad is a selfish ass, but is making excuses for him and feeling his own sense of propriety, strength, and giving. In one sense that's nice; in another it's called selling yourself short. It's harder to see when you're young and invincible and believe you'll have endless energy for everything. But the idea that being family cement is not required, and that endless, thankless giving and accommodating is not required -- not to you, not to his dad, not to anyone -- well, permission to think those thoughts may be useful for him, down the line.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Its taken me a while to get back over here, but Mama41 your woards really resonated with me regarding my son. He is such a stand-up responsible kid that its like he trying to carry everyone's weight. Both his grandma (my ex-mil) and I worry about how much he is holding in. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Anyway the update is that dh bumped up his wedding date to August 8, so ds leaves on August 7 <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:. It will have been 8 weeks that he spent here, granted he went to visit his great-grandpa and camp one of the weeks. My ds's grandfather offered to buy a return ticket for ds to finish his time with me but the ex said no <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:, apparently they are moving to a new place and ds must help with the move.<br><br>
Ds & I have talked and he is ok with going back early, though before he leaves I will be sitting down and having a heart to heart with his about what he wants for the next year and a half (he turns 18 then). Its just such a ard thing as I have said earlier because if ds were younger I would look at going back to court about this situation but due to his age, it seems silly.<br><br>
Once again, thanks for providing a safe space to vent.. you think you get a divorce and years later the madness still continues. Ugh...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,131 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>shayinme</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11763511"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My ds's grandfather offered to buy a return ticket for ds to finish his time with me but the ex said no <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:, apparently they are moving to a new place and ds must help with the move.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I think if your parenting time goes until Sept 1st, your ex is not in control of whether or not your son comes back to finish his visit. You are sending your son back for the wedding becasue your son wants to go, not because you are required to. If your parenting time goes until Sept 1st, your ex is interfering with your parenting time if he refuses to send him back. At least that is my take on the situation...<br><br>
Last summer my step-daughter's mom had a baby and we let my step-daughter go visit in the middle of our parenting time. Her mother paid for the full cost of the transportation to visit and back to us. This was not parenting time that was hers to dictate, and just because we sent her to meet her baby brother didn't mean that we were forfeiting the rest of our time with her... it was something we were doing for our step-daughter, giving up our time so she coudl be part of a special event with her mother's side of her family.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,084 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>aricha</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11764715"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think if your parenting time goes until Sept 1st, your ex is not in control of whether or not your son comes back to finish his visit. You are sending your son back for the wedding becasue your son wants to go, not because you are required to. If your parenting time goes until Sept 1st, your ex is interfering with your parenting time if he refuses to send him back. At least that is my take on the situation...<br><br>
Last summer my step-daughter's mom had a baby and we let my step-daughter go visit in the middle of our parenting time. Her mother paid for the full cost of the transportation to visit and back to us. This was not parenting time that was hers to dictate, and just because we sent her to meet her baby brother didn't mean that we were forfeiting the rest of our time with her... it was something we were doing for our step-daughter, giving up our time so she coudl be part of a special event with her mother's side of her family.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
The ex is absolutely interfering with my time, and the only reason my son is going back is because he does want to attend the wedding, as he told me he does want to support his Dad and I don't want to get in the way of that.<br><br>
I initially wasn't bothered by ds going to the wedding, more that our visit is coming to an end early. Ds wanted to come back, initially he was concerned about me buying another ticket which is why his grandpa offered now the ex is just being a UA violation and flat out told ds no he can't come back. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
I was willing to get yet another attorney to push the point but ds has asked me to leave the situation alone, he is tired of us fighting over him (we split when ds was 1, so its been a long journey) and I want to respect that given his age.<br><br>
Shay
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
853 Posts
Honestly, I would respect your DS's wishes. One parent in his life should. It is especially more meaningful given that he is so close to being an adult and living his own life. I have a feeling that he will gravitate more toward you since you actually respect him as a person with feelings. I would definitely sit down with him before he leaves and have a good talk about what you are both looking for in the future with your relationship together.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,477 Posts
I've just had a horrible morning talking with my DS's about this, and I'm going to disagree. Your DS has plenty of time to be the adult later on. Right now, I don't see his wishes here. He's being forced to react to this crazymaker (mods, this isn't an insult, but a description- things have been made crazy) and his wishes are being lost in the mire. I don't see his wishes being accommodated, other than a child's need not to rock the boat. This isn't adult thought yet.<br>
His desire is to spend the summer with you but to attend his father's wedding. I think you should do whatever it takes to make that happen- provide him with the plane ticket to come back to you (which would be cheaper, possibly, than another legal battle), or whatever else occurs to you. At some point, your DS needs to talk to his father. Good luck to him.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
I'm sorry he's doing this to you.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,191 Posts
I can tell you are very hurt *hugs*<br><br>
You know, whenever I would ask DP why wouldn't he argue with his ex over this or over that, he always replied "because while we might care about this or that, all my daughter wants is for her divorced parents to get along". That's just what kids want, and I think it's the most outstanding, unselfish thing for you to accept that as the truth, and believe in enough to allow your son to make those decisions. I'm 100% certain that he sees your actions for what they are, and will always appreciate it.<br><br>
P.S. I might get flamed for saying this, but a wedding and a big move is one of those exceptions where I would understand cutting a summer visit two weeks short... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">:<br><br>
P.P.S. I can't stand the line "If you want to see a kid, then you'll pay for this..." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,084 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ma_vie_en_rose</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11765186"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Honestly, I would respect your DS's wishes. One parent in his life should. It is especially more meaningful given that he is so close to being an adult and living his own life. I have a feeling that he will gravitate more toward you since you actually respect him as a person with feelings. I would definitely sit down with him before he leaves and have a good talk about what you are both looking for in the future with your relationship together.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Its taken me a while to get back to this thread, but actually a week ago I took ds out and he and I had a really long chat about this situation and while I am not happy I do feel good about not fighting it. I definitely feel like my son is happy that I do respect him, even down to his choice to stay with his Dad to finish HS. Which as he told me is less about his Dad and more about not wanting to change schools for his last 2 years when next year he starts applying to colleges and not having to start all over again.<br><br>
As it stands he may actually come back out after the wedding, its up in the air due to his father possibly moving to a new place and ds needing to help with the move. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: That said, both my ex-IL's have offered to pay for ds's return ticket so should he choose and be able to come back, cost is no longer an issue.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>flapjack</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11784128"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've just had a horrible morning talking with my DS's about this, and I'm going to disagree. Your DS has plenty of time to be the adult later on. Right now, I don't see his wishes here. He's being forced to react to this crazymaker (mods, this isn't an insult, but a description- things have been made crazy) and his wishes are being lost in the mire. I don't see his wishes being accommodated, other than a child's need not to rock the boat. This isn't adult thought yet.<br>
His desire is to spend the summer with you but to attend his father's wedding. I think you should do whatever it takes to make that happen- provide him with the plane ticket to come back to you (which would be cheaper, possibly, than another legal battle), or whatever else occurs to you. At some point, your DS needs to talk to his father. Good luck to him.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
I'm sorry he's doing this to you.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I actually thought for several days about what you said here, on the one hand I think a couple years ago when he was a younger teen/preteen there may have been a lot of this going on as far as trying to please us, I no longer feel that is the case.<br><br>
No, he is not an adult yet but at almost 17 he is also not quite a kid anymore and as I have thought long and hard on this matter, no court at this point would consider a change in custody and where he lives without hearing from him. I dpn't think adulthood just happens overnight but is a process and he is definitely in that process which is why I feel no matter what my feelings I need to honor his.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Oriole</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11784442"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I can tell you are very hurt *hugs*<br><br>
You know, whenever I would ask DP why wouldn't he argue with his ex over this or over that, he always replied "because while we might care about this or that, all my daughter wants is for her divorced parents to get along". That's just what kids want, and I think it's the most outstanding, unselfish thing for you to accept that as the truth, and believe in enough to allow your son to make those decisions. I'm 100% certain that he sees your actions for what they are, and will always appreciate it.<br><br>
P.S. I might get flamed for saying this, but a wedding and a big move is one of those exceptions where I would understand cutting a summer visit two weeks short... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">:<br><br>
P.P.S. I can't stand the line "If you want to see a kid, then you'll pay for this..." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
No flames from me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">, I do agree that a wedding is a big deal, My son was there and part of my wedding 10 years ago and I would expect no less than for him to support his Dad in getting married. His Dad getting remarried is a huge deal, this is a man who despite us splitting up 15 years ago, never had another relationship until 4 years ago, he swore he would never remarry so this is huge and while I am ticked that he planned this wedding during summer, I have calmed down enough to realize we have had 8 weeks which at his age is not bad.<br><br>
Like I said earlier there is now a chance he will come back for another week or so, though I am not gonna get my hopes up. I know he loves being here but I also know that for a kid who's used to working and having his own money its been hard to just be sitting around all summer. Since even with me giving him pocket cash, its not like working which he enjoys, also his closest friends while they live nearish to us at an hour or so a way they are too far to see every day.<br><br>
Shay
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,084 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Well just figured I would post an update. My son went to his Dad's wedding and did end up coming back, he was gone for 4 days and he will be here until Sept when he leaves to go back to school. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> So despite all the drama, things worked out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,131 Posts
Thanks for posting an update... I always like to hear stories that confirm my idealistic view of the world that if you are a good person and treat people the way you know is right, in the end things turn out well for you. Somehow I still hold onto this belief no matter how much life tries to disprove it, so it is always nice to have it reaffirmed <i>somewhere</i> in the world!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,032 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>shayinme</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11965429"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well just figured I would post an update. My son went to his Dad's wedding and did end up coming back, he was gone for 4 days and he will be here until Sept when he leaves to go back to school. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> So despite all the drama, things worked out.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I'm so glad. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">:
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Top