Quote:
Originally Posted by OGirlieMama 
It bugs me many times when I think about it. There is so much wonder and joy in having twins, but really, I feel like I missed out on so many of the things I think about when I think about having a baby. I've come to the conclusion that two babies at once really isn't a great situation for someone who really likes cuddling with babies.
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This is so true. There are many things I've grieved or felt the loss of because of having TWO at once. For me, it hasn't so much been a delay or lack of knowing them as individuals and feeling an intense emotional connection to the people I feel them to be as babies, but I seldom rock them (seems I'm always just tandem nursing with a pillow or pillows, sitting on the bed) and I just don't feel any freedom or ease when it comes to getting out in public.
Just lately, with the appearance of springlike weather, I have felt the very beginnings of greater freedom in getting out just around the house, trying walks with the stroller, etc. But even in that, we have this great property with a hilly backyard and a creek, and I've only JUST begun to show it to the babies and I only can do it one at a time.....I realized this when I was walking baby B around while baby A slept in his carseat with the doors open. We were walking around outside and I realized, as he stared at the water going over the rocks as I stood on the bridge holding him, that this was a great thing I'd done a lot with my first baby and was going to have a hard time doing with twins, as long as they are in-arms, at least. I mean, just getting them BOTH down the hill, down the stone steps, over the bridge, and containing them (they are crawlers) once we are to the lawn on the other side.......I don't see how it's going to happen.
I'm sorry if my earlier post was a drag or downer. I had so little time at the computer....I just typed and posted with no reflection.
The main point I wanted to convey was that I suspect that conflicted feelings and the feeling of being robbed of certain aspects of the baby experience are normal with second, third, etc. babies even when they are not multiples. I think fitting in parenting a baby when you already have a child or more to parent creates stresses, and changes what you may feel free to do. However, when I got pregnant the second time (which was twins), one of the first things I felt SO upset about when I learned we were having two babies was my dream/intention of wearing the baby all the time when we were home. I always felt I hadn't worn my daughter enough (I mostly would sling her when out, but not at home) and I thought that putting the baby in a wrap as a newborn would let me do that and also let me parent my older child fairly normally even with a new baby in the mix.
I was dreaming of "doing it right" more with the second baby, and "doing it better" in general, knowing what had been hard the first time and learning from it. In the end, even though many aspects of the twins' birth were "better" and certainly healing for me, I have been set back in that dream of "stepping up" and "doing better" in ways that were important to me. Two babies has meant cutting more corners than I'd hoped....actually buying swings this time, holding less rather than more, etc.
I think I understood that the goal was to get by by using whatever worked, so it's not like I'm super-upset about the "tools" we've used or whatever (this forum has really helped with that kind of guilt/regret, actually), but it definitely wasn't the "doing better the second time around" experience I'd promised myself.
It's also possible that it's weird that my babies seemed to have such distinct personalities that emerged (to us) so early and so clearly. People have always commented on something about their aspects (the usual "so alert" "so attentive" stuff, but literally commenting on it all the time) so maybe something about them made it easy for me. I am mindful to be thankful for that....I think that feeling of connection and knowing has made a lot about our circumstances "tolerable" for me, as we've had so much that has been wrong. Or maybe it's just evidence of my coping, a way to stay meaningfully connected or fulfilled or something in the face of other overwhelming things (my babies are almost 9 months old and my husband found out he has a cancer when I was in the third trimester, which is the "biggest" overwhelming item on a long list of things that have slammed us, including my mom's death in our home when my twins were almost 3 months old.) Maybe these sadnesses made me turn deep toward them and helped me get that sense of them as individuals, or maybe it (that sense of knowing) is a grace that happened to keep me afloat.
Whatever the reason may be, one thing I have is that I ENJOY these babies (enjoy and celebrate all the tiny things of WHO they are, not necessarily the experience of caring for two who need the same things at the same times...) so very much. This particular thing is a celebration for me on a daily basis, I just revel in it/them, and I do feel that I "get" them, which I see now is a big relief compared to feeling that I DON'T have that connection.
I will say this.....I never dreamed that I could think it would be "a relief" to be able to lie in the bed with one baby latched on all night (to keep him/her asleep), but since having twins I have SOOOO thought that very thing, wistfully, whenever they are having trouble due to teething or whatever, and both are awake and fussy at the same time. Or one is having trouble settling, and then the second baby wakes for a normal feeding. I'm nursing one who just won't fall asleep, and the other is inconsolable with my husband. (I really hate to tandem nurse at night and usually try to see if we can get by without it, if possible.)
"If only I could just lie there and keep one latched on and sleeping! I KNOW I could keep him asleep if I had only one!" (I remember how untenable I thought THAT VERY SITUATION was when I had only one baby!!! "Gah, she stayed latched on ALL NIGHT! If I ever tried to shift or move, or get the nipple out of her sleeping mouth, she roused and starting sucking again. I can't take it!!! Augh!!!!!" And that is the dream, now.
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