[paquerette]

So here's the (disjointed rambly) story...

My birth was supposed to be UC, but I hit transition, got pushy, pushed for an hour and there was just blood. Not a whole lot, but I told him we should go to the hospital, and he agreed with me and we went. Not to get into the whole birth story, but they wouldn't hand her right to me. Didn't get to hold her for about an hour, I guess. So there were some bonding issues. And I'm definately not over it. Still having panicky moments when I think about it, angry, disappointed, blaming DH for failing us and making the baby hate me -- she's not a happy baby, and I blame a lot of that on having been separated from me. We went over and over what birth would be like and how people often get panicky during transition, and it's like he forgot everything. He says it's my fault for saying that I couldn't do it and I wanted to go to the hospital. When we had discussed the possibility of a midwife, I told him it would probably be around $800-1000 and he decided that that was too much money and we didn't need one.

He's been not very helpful since then, too. Won't help out around the house (unless I give him specific instructions on each thing, each time), pick up after himself, seldom holds the baby (she cries a lot when he holds her). Berates me for not keeping the house perfectly. Says he has an aversion to housework since he had to help out years ago when he was working and I wasn't. So I'm expected to do all the housework (extending to things like picking up his dirty socks off the living room floor) and 90% of the baby care. This has been the situation since a week or so postpartum. Oh, did I mention that when she was 8 days old, he left me alone to go to D&D for 12 hours? So yeah, I'm pretty bitter and angry.

I have no sex drive. It's possible it's hormones, but I also think there was some nerve damage done during the postpartum cleanup job. Which wouldn't have been done if I hadn't ended up in the hospital. He's very snarky and mean about me being frigid now. Like I don't want to want it. Like it's my fault. And no, he doesn't attempt to court me or be sexy or sweet or anything like that.

I can't get out without the baby much, and it's really not worth it, just more stress when I do have to come back. I went grocery shopping for 1 1/2 hours Saturday morning and he had a fit. But I'm not allowed to complain when he goes off to "play"? He can go gaming, go fishing, play horseshoes at his parents, but all my "me" time is housework, sewing for the baby, or shopping. She doesn't take a bottle, and I don't think she likes being without me, but I think I'm entitled to some time without having to rush home and get berated for it again.

Our finances are in pretty bad situation. We can pay bills, but then we argue about what extras are important. The car's on it's way out. He's a pretty good cyclist, and works 3 miles from the house, and could theoretically cycle to work almost all the time, but usually drives. But then he gets mad when I want to go to LLL once a month (10 miles away), or go walk around the mall or Borders or something (2 miles away). He complains if I buy, say, a $3 box of organic poptarts, but I can't complain if he spends $20 on a case of beer. There are all these little things back and forth.

It seems like he doesn't have any empathy. How can you love someone, or even just like them a little bit, and not care that they're in complete agony day in and day out? It would be one thing if I got a kind word or a hug or a kiss (sans groping) once in a while, you know?

I'll probably wake up tomorrow and really wish I hadn't started this thread.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting to hear or what I want to hear.

 

[AngelBee]

You sound really angry.....I mean that in a loving way.

 

[ankh]

no advice...just support.

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time. I think sometimes our partners disapoint us SO much when we have kids..

I know my husband felt helpless when the baby cried, didn't know where to start with the housework and was pretty useless at first. I eventually told him in floods of tears what I wanted him to do around the house and he kind of did some of it...still couldn't leave him with the baby till he was about a year though. He just cried all the time. It was very frustating.

Is there anyone else who is expereinced with babies you can leave the baby with?
Good luck,
Lisa

 

[kate~mom]

no great advice, but didn't want to read without posting.

actually, no, i do have one thing - i can commiserate with you about having an unhappy baby. dc #2 is very similar, despite an uncomplicated birth, being put on my chest and breastfeeding immediately. so i wouldn't *necessarily* beat yourself or your dh up about the uc transfer leading to her temperament. mine is just a more *intense* baby than dc #1 and i am struggling with this.

you'll be in my thoughts, i know how difficult this is.

 

[AngelBee]

Maybe you could talk to someone about your birthing experience.

I am so sorry you and dh are having problems

 

[lilyka]

perhaps your dh is mostly reacting to all the anger and blaming you are doing about the birth. if someone was treating me like that and blaming me like that I know it would color how I responded to thier request, I would feel incapable of messing with th baby or least scared that I wouldn't measure up to your expectations and I would think that everything related back to that blame game and the one day I wasn't perfect and that every precieved insult was paybackfor that. Nothing that happened at the birth was his fault. things happen. sometimes births don't go as planned. you were bleeding. he was trusting you rinstincs that is was time to go. would you have been mad at him if he said absolutely not, you didn't want that and your baby died? I don't know what was wrong. neither did he. It could have been normal it could have been very very serious. I didn't have any blood at any of my births. Post partum bonding is important but it isn't make it or break it. chances are your baby's issues have nothing to do with the brief seperation but it very well may have (not saying it definitely does) something to do with your grief, stress, anger, hostiility, tension, and expectations that your child will be messd up because you didn't have the picture perfect birth. I am guesing from the minute you didn't have that perfect bonding moment right after birth you expected things to go poorly with your baby because she missed that "essential bonding". trust me highly over rated. it is great but it is not the end all be all of parenting perfection. just doesn't do that much. i have had different degrees of seperation with all of my children and wht efecting bonding the most was my confidence of a mother and my confidence that evrythign was OK. I projected that to my children to different degrees and they respondd in kind. if i was calm and confident in my parenting they were calm and confident in thier babying. if you need counseling to get over that then get it but don't blame your dh for panicing when he thought his wife and baby were in danger. he did the best he could. cut him some slack already. once you get all that dealt with everything else may change. once you have peace and confidence and joy back in your life your dh may respond with peace and confidence and joy. and your baby may respond better and everything may get better but if it doesn't at least you won't have the birth anger hanging over you as a dark cloud keping you from dealing clearly with everything else. My first birth was a night mare (dh left me in the hospital to go have lunch with friends while i delt with post partum, crabby nurses, trying to get to my baby in the NICU, and entertaining his family who were upset that they had come to see the baby and couldn't. ) and then postpartum depression, financial stress ($25,000 hospital bill and no insurance and no medicaid), reactive attatchment dissorder, Sensory intergration disorder vaccine reactions etc etc it never ended but once i delt with the birth and let go of that pain, forgave dh for not being the advocate I wished he had been and everything that didn't met my birth plan perfection expectations everything else was suddenly do-able. we could deal withthe attatchment, we could deal with the sensory isues, we could deal my fears about getting pregnant and my dh could admit he was scared to, that eh didn't like to see me that misreable andhe was cared for the baby. he was dealing with stuf too and I was so self absorbed that i didnt' even care enough to notice.

so, I won't coment on anythign else because i truely believe it al goes back to your attitude about the birth and how you feel he let you down. remember this was his birth experiance to. this is the problem with going unassisted. you don't have an impartial advocate or anyone who can tell you medically speeking if this is an emergancy. But you can't blame your dh for making a judgment call you didn't agree with. he was not trained to make medical descisions. he did the best he could for the two people he loved most. and now he is made to feel like is completely incapable of doinganythign right by them because his choice asn't good enough and is the cause of all your problems. just somethign to think about.

 

[paquerette]

Yeah, I admit I'm very angry, but I'm not sure how to get beyond knowing that and actually working on it, kwim? I have a lot more processing about the birth... I really started talking to him about it in the last week, and now he thinks that "my little friends" (you mdc people, iow) have planted ideas in my head that he's evil. This was said during an arguement, not in a calm moment. I don't always know what he really thinks and what he's just saying to rile me up or be defensive or whatever.

Sigh. Back to my fluffy posting to up my post count. Thanks, folks.

 

[mothernurture]

paquerette, I am so sorry you are going through such a challenging time. All the things you listed are potential risk factors for post-partum depression. Would you be interested in finding a post partum support group (one that you could attend with your little one)?

I have a friend who is a mental health professional who specializes in post partum support. She started a women's support group called Listening Mothers. Perhaps you could find a similar group in your area?

I agree with another poster who suggested you talk about and process your birth experience... and if your partner is not ready to help you with this, perhaps a girl friend or a female family member could listen?

Our society does very little to help support post partum women and their families. Until this changes, and I am hopeful that it will eventually get easier, we have to seek out the support we need that should be readily available but is not.

 

[AngelBee]

Don't worry..."my little friends" have been planting ideas in my head too!

:

 

[PortraitPixie]

 

[peaceful_mama]

[It seems like he doesn't have any empathy. How can you love someone, or even just like them a little bit, and not care that they're in complete agony day in and day out? It would be one thing if I got a kind word or a hug or a kiss (sans groping) once in a while, you know?

You sound like ME! Not the 'complete agony' part necessarily but how can you love someone, or even like them, and not care about how they feel? *I* am more caring toward another mom I barely know in LLL than my own husband has been to me in the last few months. And what *is* it with them and sex? MAYBE just MAYBE if I felt like I was wanted for some reason OTHER than that, I'd be more inclined to want to do it!
Seriously, it's gotten to the point that "I dont' care about him" because I put my son's NEEDS over his WANTS. The baby NEEDS to go to bed first. The baby does not NEED to go out on a day when it's 30 degrees, if that, when he's also sniffling and sneezing. just because he is bored and wants us to go out and do something. I get bored too, but I'm a mama first now, if it's freezing cold out and my baby's getting sick, I stay home, stay bored, and take care of him.

Sometimes I wonder how the heck I ended up married to someone so selfish. Always him him him and he wasn't like this till after we got married.

 

[nancy926]

I had a really hard time after DD was born. The first 6-7 months are very foggy.

It might help if you could reframe some of your assumptions...like, maybe your DD is just a high-needs kid, and it has NOTHING to do with the separation at her birth. You can't know one way or another, so why not assume the most positive?

Same with your DH....he sounds scared and unsure of himself. Having a baby is such a huge change, and men (DHs, boyfriends or otherwise) aren't living with the pregnancy for 9 months so it's probably more sudden for them, yk?

It's easy for a guy to take off for 12 hours -they're not the newborn's food source. I know my DH felt "unneeded" for the first few months, even though I explained that he could do absolutely EVERYTHING that I could do (plus some heavy lifting), except breastfeed.

As for the sex drive thing - HA. I had no sex drive for almost 2 years. You find ways around it. If you think long-term, 1 or 2 years of infrequent sex is not that big a deal.

Try to talk to him when you aren't overtired or angry (I know, that probably never happens.....lol) and in a non-accusatory way. And get out with your baby whenever you can, to hang w/other moms. That helps a ton.

 

[mommykof5]

s

 

[journeymom]

paquerette, Uhg! You do sound angry, and I feel terrible for you!

Lilyka!

:LOL <---- That's me laughing at myself for getting all teary-eyed at your post! That was my experience, and I agree with all your observations. You are a wise woman!

And Nancy, too. You make a good point about reframing your assumptions. I really, truely thought dd didn't like me, that she could tell I had ambivilant feelings about motherhood, at the tender age of 1 month.

paquerette, you are God to your daughter right now. You are the source of all that is good, and in her own tiny baby way she absolutely adores you with every ounce of her being. This I know without a shadow of doubt, she love you.

 

[KarmaChameleon]

just a hug from me to you

 

[hunnybumm]

I completely understand how you are feeling, and what your relationship is going through. When DS was born, he was my world. DH? I have a DH? Oh, that lump that sleeps next to me at night? Lucky for me, my DH was very supportive. He always told me how much he loved me and how much he loved DS, this helped so much.

However, he didn't hold DS very much. He would hold him for 10 mintues, then if he was asleep or not fussy, he would lay him down, or put him the swing. He also didn't know what to do around the house, I spent the last month cleaning the heck out of my house, and he did nothing (except his own laundry). When the baby came, the house work went, and I didn't care. Eventually DH helped out a little and things got better. We have to remember that we, as woman, have stronger parenting instincts than our DHs. Our DHs feel lost. Imagine before you had kids. If someone walked up to your house and handed you a newborn. You would be pretty confused and lost. Now multiple that by 10, that is probably how our DHs feel.

It sounds to me like your DH is feeling what most if not all DHs feel after a first baby. They are feeling abandoned, unloved, unwanted, unneed, helpless, etc. Going from a couple, to a family is a hard transition. My DS is 18 months and we are just now figureing it out, due with another in Dec. So we are about to start all over again.

Now, for the sex thing. After the first month DH quit asking and quit coming onto me. I had a pretty tramatic birth, but I didn't realize it until much later. I COULDN'T have sex for at least the first two months, not that I wanted it. But I hurt so bad I couldn't sit right, much less have something shoved up there. We had sex for the first time at 4 months pp, then for the second time at 6 months pp. The first time hurt so bad, I literally cried and told him to hurry up and get it over with. The second time it was fine. I finally got my libeto back at 18 months pp. My DH couldn't be more pleased... but we now have a porn issue we are working on, which is going smoothly (in another post).

So, all in all, what you are experienceing in your relationship is very normal. If you are depressed, thinking of harming your self, your baby, anyone else, you don't want anything to do with the baby, etc. then that is extremely serious and you need immediate help. What you are experiending could be ppd or it could be the baby blues. Talking to something, doesn't even have to be a professional (church leader, family, friend, etc), about how you are feeling is definitly beneficial reguardless of if you have ppd or not.

 

[skueppers]

In my birthing class, the instructor asked us all the following question:

"If your birth doesn't go the way you want it to, how will you feel?"

We all wrote down our answers.

Then she said:

"The best answer I ever got to this question was, 'Like a mother'."

She went on to explain that a lot of unexpected things can happen, and that while it's good to be prepared for childbirth, it's important to be flexible and bear in mind that the reason we're doing all this is to become mothers. That once the birth is over, it's over -- but being a mother is something that will continue for the rest of our lives.

I thought this was very good advice. I think a lot of women get really absorbed in what kind of birth experience they want, in part because pregnancy essentially involves 9 months of waiting. It's easy to get overly involved in things that aren't really all that important once you're actually in the thick of mothering, like preparing the perfect nursery, obtaining the cutest baby clothes, finding the best cloth diapering solution, deciding on the most practical baby carrier, and writing the ideal birthing plan.

I agree with the advice you've already gotten -- you really need to work on getting past your disappointment in the birth experience. As someone else already pointed out, it's entirely possible that the birth experience had nothing to do with why your baby turned out to be a little on the high-maintenance side. Since there's no way to know, you'll be better off if you can train yourself to assume that your child would have been this way no matter what had happened during the birth.

I also think Lilyka made an excellent point when she suggested that perhaps your husband doesn't do much with the baby because he feels incompetent after being blamed for what went wrong with the birth. I suggest that you encourage him to take more responsibility for your daughter by asking him to do specific things -- and then leaving him to do them his way, unless he asks you for advice. It doesn't matter if he does them the way you would do them -- he needs to develop his confidence as a father.

Best wishes!

 

[paquerette]

Maybe I didn't explain correctly in the first post... it wasn't until this past week that I admitted that I blame him for how things went. Didn't really admit it myself until about a month ago. I don't think he's intuitive enough to pick up on something like that.

I guess I wouldn't blame him so much if he hadn't sworn up and down that he was completely confident in doing this and that we didn't need a midwife. It's one thing to not be able to do something, it's another to promise to do it and then fail.

I don't know if there are any groups around here or how one would go about finding one. This is kind of a backwards little burnt-out coal town. There aren't even any other mdc mamas here.

I know there are other reasons why my baby might not be happy, too. And sometimes she is, sometimes she isn't. I just can't ever figure out what she wants. I thought this would have gotten better by now.

Thanks.

 

[mountain]

It sucks he said that about the midwife, but you are a person too, and had a stake in that decision. There is no way to foretell the future. I know neither of you wanted this to end up the way it is right now, right?

My dh got totally selfish with our 2nd child, started drinking, moved out & hung with some silly pple. I'm STILL working on forgiving him for taking the easy way out, when I CAN"T LEAVE!!!! That's what pissed me off the most about the whole thing, was that I was a MOTHER, I could not leave, how in the world could he choose a different life over his children?

I have issues, too, obviously :LOL

But we love each other & are committed, have talked through it, and some of it just comes on a daily basis. Your baby is soooo young right now, and it's probably hard to get a minute where you're not sleep deprived...

If you can't get out, the 'puter is a great resource...have you checked out birth stories at MDC? Maybe it would be cathartic to post yours & have your dh read it, talk about it. There's no instant fix, but trying to reconnect helps, I find.

 

[captain crunchy]

I am so sorry you are going through this right now

I agree with the other posters who talked about letting go of blaming your husband for the birthing experience. Even in theory if it were his fault (which I am not saying it was)....what is it serving to hold on to it? Absolutely nothing. I think you should explore your feelings definately (maybe your "little friends" on here could help :LOL ) by coming here and posting about it.... yes, your husband should be the one you can spill everything to all the time and in a perfect world that would be great... but sometimes coming to places like MDC and the like and talking it all out with other women who understand and have been there can be SO helpful... and the added bonus is you can turn off the computer if someone pisses you off :LOL

About the other stuff. I try not to judge because I don't know your mindset when you wrote the post. I mean I can gather your mindset, but different times when I have been really angry/hurt at my hubby man, if I wrote down how I felt in the moment people would think we had the WORST marriage in the world because my statements would be colored by pain... know what I mean? When in reality, it is not the case at all. Of course I am not at all suggesting you are dishonest!! I am just saying that in the moment sometimes we can kind of see things not *entirely* objective...

As far as the housework and stuff, you say he doesn't do anything unless you ask him specifically and tell him what exactly to do etc... then, just tell him what you need...seriously.. I mean my hubby is SO helpful and really is willing to do whatever it is I need, but I had to let go of the expectation LONG ago that he would do the dishes simply because the sink was overflowing (as I would)...that just isn't him. For whatever reason, I need to say to him "sweetie, the sink is getting pretty full...it would really help me out if you could do the dishes before I started dinner"... I will usually say something like this early in the day and he will almost always do them before dinner... Again, I don't know your husband at all, maybe he is the type who just refuses to do anything, and that IS a problem... but I know with mine, my frustration was more coming from my expectations that he should be willing to do what needed to be done without me even asking or mentioning it....and that just wasn't happening... but I found that when I gently suggested/reminded/instructed ... he totally was willing to do whatever--- it is worth a try...

Also about the car usage and pop tart things... either your husband is a nut (which I don't think so and really hope not!!!) or we both know it has NOTHING to do with organic pop tarts and driving the car. It seems like you both are using other tiny issues to lash out as a way of not dealing with the issues you have...ya know? It is so common and even me and my husband do that sometimes... like I will be yelling at him for leaving the coffeepot on when really I am nervous about our upcoming homebirth or something... why do we do this? I have no freaking clue.. fear I guess...

I think (or hope!!) you married your husband for a reason and that he married you for those same reasons and I FIRMLY believe that if you once loved eachother and were happy and had a strong foundation, you can find your way back to eachother. It will take some time and some effort on both parts but I really believe that you can work it out...

I agree with the other posters as far as talking to him when you are both calm, both in a relatively good mood and have little or no distractions...(if that's possible!!) ... I would use *I* statements and avoid using accusatory statements at all. That will only make someone defensive... I would start positively...ya catch more flies with honey after all...
For example:

Honey can we talk? I just want to tell you I love you very much and I realize we have been having some problems lately. I want so badly for this marriage to work, because you are who I chose to walk through life with...but we have been struggling lately and I thought it would help if I could tell you some ways I have been feeling and also ask you what you think I could do to help us reconnect...

Of course, word it however you want!! I just mean, it won't serve anything to be all like --- YOU never do ANYTHING around the house!! How can you say you love me when you treat me like this!! ... I am not saying that is how you are, I am just saying that is how I have been different times and guess what...doesn't work...

What is more effective in my life has been what I wrote above....also, asking him what he thinks you can do to make the marriage better in no way suggests that he doesn't have to do anything either!! It merely is an admission that you can only change yourself, not him, and you are willing to help save the marriage...

Also, it may be worth considering your child is only a few months old and you may be suffering from post partum depression. Please don't misunderstand me and think at all that I am excusing any wrong behavior on your husband's part as YOUR problem with post partum... I am just saying it as a seperate issue you may want to look into because you are so affected by your birth and by things...just putting it out there, because PPD is very real and it comes in many forms, not just crying all day and wanting to hurt yourself kind of thing...

I really hope things get better for you soon... it seems like you really want to make it work and that you both are in pain right now... he just seems to be showing it in a different way ya know?

Take care of yourself please, and please be secure in the fact that you are the MOST important person in your baby's world... it may seem like she doesn't *like* you sometimes but that behavior could be due to so many factors...you're her mama and she loves you more than anything... and I know you feel the same...