[frugalmum]

<p>I am supposed to be 17 weeks, at the OB today there was no heartbeat and baby measured 13 weeks. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Selfishly I am so freaked out at the thought of something being dead inside of me for 4 weeks, I feel so guilty for feeling this!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And I cannot shake the feeling this is my fault-- I had subchorionic hemorrhage and while I took it easy I did do things like rake leaves and carry my 2 year old.  I know logically that if raking leaves caused pregnancy loss there would be no humans left on earth but I still feel that somehow this has to be my fault!  I know there are women who do all kinds of dangerous risky things while pregnant and have healthy babies but I still feel responsible somehow.  Did I eat too much?  Not enough?  Was there one thing I did that tipped the balance?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>OB recommends a D&C because of the SH, I am concerned about excessive bleeding too, very concerned I might hemorrhage.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Any thoughts, words, advice.  Hugs to everyone who finds herself in this section of the board .</p>

 

[Lillbjorne]

<p>Hi Frugalmum</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(((hugs))) I am so sorry for your loss.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm sure you didn't do anything wrong.  I have learned that feelings of guilt - as unfounded as they are - are an inevitable part of the grieving process. Try not to kick yourself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I waited to miscarry naturally, but ended up having an emergency D&C due to haemorrhaging, and I did wonder whether having the D&C earlier would have saved me that trauma. It's a difficult call.</p>

 

[la mamita]

<img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"><br><br>
raking leaves definitely did not make you have a miscarriage. be gentle on yourself. has your dr talked about testing your baby after the d&c to see what the miscarriage was caused by? if you *really* want to know, you could push for this.<br><br>
i have had two first trimester losses and never had a d&c so i hope other mamas will jump in on that part of the conversation. but i can say it's normal to feel guilty but part of the grieving process is to let go of that, and just know that you loved your baby as much as you could while carrying him or her.

 

[chrstene]

<p>So sorry for your loss.  I have just gone through my 4th loss so I know that there are no words to say to make you feel much better.  I will say....it is not your fault.  </p>
<p>I will also add my own experience that my last 2 losses (athough not as far along as you) I tried to miscarry at home.  Even after waiting weeks for my body to figure it out AND a week of miscarrying at home, I still ended up needing a D and C.  This last one I actually ended up in the ER and with an emergency D  & C anyway.  In retrospect, I wish I had not had to go through these last few weeks  of waiting for the baby to pass.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>All I can say is that there are different answers for everyone. Be gentle with yourself and be "ok" with whatever you decide.  I thought I might hate myself for having that D&C on the 3rd loss, I was SO against it....but it ended up being the best thing for me.  I also had a hemorage they were concerned with this time...I had so much blood loss I was terrified.  I feel much better knowing now that it is physically over and I am safe again. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hugs.  So sorry.  </p>

 

[CherryBomb]

<p>I'm sorry mama *hug*  My second loss was similar, I started bleeding at 16 weeks and found out baby had died at 14 weeks. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>As to whether to do a d&c or miscarry naturally, that's very individual.  Retained placenta is VERY common with 2nd trimester m/c, and that can cause a lot of bleeding (this is what happened to me, didn't make it to the scheduled d&c and miscarried at home, had to transfer to the hospital for retained placenta).  There's no delicate way to say this, but you need to consider that because it's been 4 weeks since the baby passed away, there could be significant break down of the tissue.  My main reason for scheduling the d&c was because I was really afraid the baby would not come out intact.  He did, though, but his little body was starting to break down.  OTOH, with a d&c you might not get to see or hold the baby, if you'd like to.  And of course, it's a surgery.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm really sorry you have to go through this.  You didn't do anything to cause it *hug*</p>

 

[L J]

<p>Oh mama, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I completely understand those feelings of guilt. I lost my son pretty much the same way - a large retroplacental hematoma. I have researched and researched and researched and I feel like I know everything there is to know about placental problems. Even knowing everything there is to know, and knowing logically and intelligently that its NOT my fault, does not alleviate the extreme guilt that I feel at times. Its irrational; did I cause this by working through the pregnancy? Did I cause this by carrying my 3 year old around? Did I cause this by cleaning my house too vigorously the week before he was born?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that the guilt is normal, and I haven't yet figured out how to make it go away. I am so sorry you are going to have to join this club. I hope that you find your inner strength and figure out how to best make it through the next few months.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>We are here for you mama.</p>

 

[DanielleT]

<p>I'm going to repeat what every other poster has said It's not your fault...I had my loss at 12w due to a HUGE SCH and i didn't even have a chance to attempt to m/c naturally; i started to bleed very heavily and was admitted into the hospital...In order to save my life and to stop the bleeding i had to have a D&C...if the same situation presented itself i would attempt to stay at home, our hospital is only a minute away and i would be out the door in a sec if it got serious...</p>
<p>Take it easy and only you know what's best for you...<span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span></p>

 

[sagewinna]

<p>I'm so sorry you lost your baby.</p>

 

[Milk8shake]

<p> </p>
<p>My first miscarriage was just shy of 13 weeks, I had a large SCH too. I did miscarry naturally (it happened really quickly), but I was admitted to hospital for monitoring and fluids, and I came really close to needing a transfusion. They did an ultrasound to make sure it was all good before I left.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If you'd like to try and stay at home, you need to make sure that you have an adult with you at all times. Things can turn really quickly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So sorry for your loss</p>
<p> </p>

 

[rareimer]

<p>Try not to blame yourself.  Easier said than done.  I had a miscarriage two weeks ago, and most of those two weeks I've been thinking of all the things that I might have done that could have caused it, what I could have done differently.  I think it's a natural reaction, a normal part of the grieving process.  But as hard as it is not to, you can't blame yourself for it.  I'm so sorry for your loss *hugs*</p>

 

[KristaDJ]

<p>I'm so sorry mama! I just delivered my baby on sunday at 21wks, she died a month before. I knew she was dead the whole time and waited to do it naturally. I honestly couldn't do it a D&C; I needed to see my baby and hold her. Mine was very easy, not much blood at all even though I would've been considered very high risk for hemorrhage because of gestation and time since death. I've actually stopped bleeding already.</p>
<p>You have to do what is right for you and your baby though. Waiting dang near drove me nuts at times and if I'd had the option of going to the hospital and being induced I would've done it in a heartbeat.</p>
<p>I'm so sorry you are having to face this and that your sweet baby is gone. I hope whatever you decide brings you some sort of peace<span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span></p>
<p><span><img alt="candle.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/candle.gif"></span></p>

 

[escher]

I'm so sorry. <img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"> It's so hard not to want to find something to blame, even when you know that babies are ok all the time when people rake, carry toddlers, etc. Good luck being gentle with yourself. <img alt="hug2.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif">

 

[cappuccinosmom]

<p>:hug</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So sorry for your loss.</p>

 

[apmama07]

<p>Sorry for your loss mama, gentle healing thoughts and prayers to you. I agree with the others that the guilt and even anger with yourself and your body is a natural part of the grieving process. My losses are earlier than yours but I've found myself going through that too.</p>

 

[frugalmum]

<p>hi ladies... wow... thanks for your words.  I had the D&C yesterday, I knew it would be very medicalized and I'd be knocked out for it (and wow was a knocked out-- not even any dreams or thoughts, just blackness and then I was in the recovery room) but I definitely wanted it as soon as I was told there was no heartbeat.  I sensed something was wrong three weeks ago (when I would have been 14 wks) because I just stopped feeling pregnant, but I chalked it up to the first trimester being over.  But I was getting severe headaches and spiking random fevers that would come and go (maybe infection?).  We are getting genetic testing done.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I feel guilt too because I feel SO much better physically now, as soon as I woke up really I felt physically renewed and strengthened, it scares me that I may have been developing an infection or otherwise ill affected because of retaining the baby. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am so grateful my milk did not come in... that would have been even more devastating.  Basically right now I am just swimming in a whirlpool of sadness and questions and knowing if/ when to ever TTC again.</p>

 

[KristaDJ]

<p><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"> I'm glad that the physical part is over for you mama. I want to say that the headaches, temperature spikes and even "retaining" the baby are perfectly normal. It's very unusual to expel the baby immediately upon death, the progesterone slowly drops and then the uterus will contract to get the baby out. The headaches and temp changes happen with the progesterone drop. Also the fact that your milk didn't come in is likely because of the length of time since death. I lost a baby in may at 16.5wks (died at 14) and one this past sunday at 21wks (died at 16.5wks). My milk did not come in either time. I think when our bodies are given the time to realize that baby is dead they sort of go back to non-pregnant and so do not produce the hormones for milk after the baby comes out. For me not getting the milk hurt more. I wanted it; to have that physical evidence of my pregnancy and to have abundance somehow. It's funny how differently we all feel about the same things.</span></p>
<p><span>I hope that you find comfort in the results and that you conceive a healthy baby soon.</span></p>
<p><span>Don't hesitate to post here while you deal with the sadness; we're all there with you.</span> <span><img alt="grouphug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/grouphug.gif"></span></p>