[Jposey]

Long story short---- my ex is horrible. in almost every way. im not sure if i ever posted our full story on here but its bad... i try to cooperate with him because he is mentally ill and i feel sorry for him, and i know he used to care about DS1 (he moved out the day after our second was born and i really think he doesnt give a crap about him). i like to think on his good days that he would never hurt our kids and that he gives them the loving sensitive care they need (they are not quite 2 and 4). but he is SO inconsistent... there are so many facets to our situation and i have a lot of anxiety about it all!!! ALWAYS!!

I'm worried that my DS2 is developing an attachment disorder (another long post in itself), his behavior is just getting more and more symptomatic of that, and it depresses me so bad!

There are a ton of things that get to me... He makes our little one CIO in a crib.... he said ds will crawl out of it sometimes and try to run out of the room and they put him back in there and close the door so he can't "escape!" (those were his words!)

(No wonder my DS freaks at bed time here--- often banging his head on the door repeatedly

)

he gives our older DS milk constantly even though he tested positive for a dairy allergy when he was 1 (he thinks because he's only broken out in hives once since he started giving it to him that he isnt allergic anymore!!! arrggh). .

X is definitely a HUGE yeller, and the boys spend lots of time in the corner (we do NOT do punitive discipline here!)... he was against spanking when we were together but i know he wouldnt tell me even if hes started spanking them since he left because he knows i would freak and that the judges would probably stop his visitation all together if he admitted to it (he has had multiple assault charges in the last 2 years-- including a felony one that he is about to go on trial for....)

he was against vax when we were together but he was/is pro circ. im sure his vax stance has changed (easy to scream "neglect" against me....) and he keeps asking when DS2 will be circed (he's NOT!!!!!!!!!!) the thing is, he can take them to the doctor and get them vaccinated and circ'd or whatever he wants.... even though he would be in contempt, you cant undo those types of things. and he definitely thinks he is above the law so i have constant anxiety about that kind of stuff (why i try not to ever let him see the boys during "normal" business hours)

My kids have HUGE meltdowns for days when they return. (of course my ex claims its because I don't "know how to handle them"... he is a HUGE control freak and i think he takes pleasure in dominating our boys

) it always takes my little baby weeks to get over his separation anxiety and come out of his shell again after he's away from me, but especially when he is there for a weekend.....

I'm just miserable about all of this. and i hate xDH for putting us in the situation (we're going on two years now). i know divorce and visitation are always hard on kids anyway, but my ex is insistant on doing anything and everything differently from me, just to prove a point, and its damaging our boys tremendously!!!

our divorce still isnt final so I'm trying to get to a therpaist soon with the kids (and an allergist again) to try and get some doctors support when we go back to court.

X hasn't tried to see the boys in several weeks, but he just called to set up visitation for this weekend, and Ive just been bawling ever since. he may very likely end up in prison this summer for some of his violent actions (the felony with his (still current) GF is the big thing but he already plead guilty and was on probation for misdemeanors with me when that happened)... despite the fact that he's currently over $20K behind in child support, i constantly hope that they do just lock him up. I struggle SO hard financially... but he's not paying anyway and i feel like thats the only way that i can shield my boys from him in these tender early years....

im only ordered to give him 2 hours per week of visitation. anything else is allowed only at my discretion. there have been several extended periods where i refused to let him see the boys all together (obviously given his history). but i try to give him reasonable chances to prove himself with them and ease them back onto time with him so that hopefully a judge will just leave visitation at my discretion when it is final... (which is a real possibility because of my ex's mental state) but thats something that just has to be worked out in court... he is seemingly doing better the last several months, but i still worry about my boys constantly... even if he doesnt hurt them, i dont want them exposed to his temper with Xs GF or what have you... and if the courts dont agree with me withholding visitation they will very likely take that power from me (and they may do it anyway even though im way beyond my comfort zone in letting him see them at all for more than a few hours at a time).

i just dont want to be seen as uncooperative... and on paper my ex has done ok lately. he always has an excuse (usually blamed on the wrong medication or etc) for the times he has gone out of control... but my gut it really getting me this time (possibly because it has been a while since theres been an incident... so maybe its about that time?) i also have to keep in mind that if im allowing them to visit him every other weekend and he asks for that permanently in court that he will probably get it. that schedule was working out at the end of 08 and my boys seemed to do ok with it... their behavior changed at the beginning of this year and X started seeing them less and less (his choice). X also started seeming more irrational and hostile when we transferred the kids.... its like waiting for a volcano to blow ya know?

but i really dont have a good excuse in the courts eyes for not sending them now because until the last couple of months he WAS seeing them for overnight visits regulalry... his last violent outburst that i know of was last may... but like i said he hasnt been seeing them, and the few interactions we've had this year have made me really nervous... and of course when I tried to explain that to him and discuss some of the things he does differently with the kids (cio, yelling, etc) it made me even more uneasy.............

i just dont know what to do or how to protect my kids from the big things with him, much less the little things that he does

 

[Theoretica]

Mama...if you are ordered to give him two hours. Give him two hours. Anything more than that sets a precident that he's ok with them for longer. And he's not. He's violent. He's borderline abusive (even by legal standards, but definitely MDCish standards). Document EVERYTHING that you can prove or that you have witnessed first hand. Involve the therapist as much as possible regarding the concerning behaviors. Rally a support system IRL that can help you through this.

 

[SmoothieMom]

I would be great if you could secretly record it all.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this man.

 

[DogwoodFairy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Theoretica Mama...if you are ordered to give him two hours. Give him two hours. Anything more than that sets a precident that he's ok with them for longer. And he's not. He's violent. He's borderline abusive (even by legal standards, but definitely MDCish standards). Document EVERYTHING that you can prove or that you have witnessed first hand. Involve the therapist as much as possible regarding the concerning behaviors. Rally a support system IRL that can help you through this.

Exactly.

Two hours, thats it.

If you allow more and more time, it will look to the court that YOU think he's a better parent than he really is.

I'm so sorry for your situation...

. Your ex sounds like a scary, unpredictable person, which is NEVER good for kids, whether parents are living together or apart.
Dont give him any more parenting time than you are court ordered to, it will not reflect badly on you. The judge left it to your discretion for a reason!

 

[grass67hopper]

As pp's have said: stick to just the 2 hours! Let the Courts be responsible with awarding him more time (which it doesn't sound like he should have at all).
Is there any way that the visits can be supervised?
Also, has there been a custody evaluation? It doesn't seem out of line that someone should at least observe him with DC.
Is there anyway that he might go to jail? That would at least give you some peaceful time.
Sorry your situation is so difficult...

 

[thisiswhatwedo]

I have a mentally ill ex who is totally out of the picture but he ever comes back in it will be by my rules only.
Two hours, and try to get supervised visits.
Seriously it is hard but you gotta be strong for your kids good luck

 

[ElliesMomma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jposey Long story short---- my ex is horrible. in almost every way. im not sure if i ever posted our full story on here but its bad... i try to cooperate with him because he is mentally ill and i feel sorry for him

here is your problem, right in your first statement.

a horrible, mentally ill ex-partner.

you feel sorry for him, so you let him have extra time with your children, time that he uses to stick your little one in a crib where he cries and tries to escape, only to be trapped in? and he feeds your older child as much milk as possible to prove that he isn't allergic anymore?

you will continue to be sad and stressed about your kids with their dad as long as you keep feeling sorry for the dad.

start putting the kids first! this is a man who apparently is so violent he could go to prison and you are trusting him with extra time with your toddlers???

get some therapy for yourself to address your codependency on this man, and try to make a clean break from him and his dysfunction.

and i agree, the more time you give him, reflects very poorly on your own parenting choices. he can totally use your "generosity" with him to convince the courts that he should get regular every other weekend visitation. is that what you want?

why would you want your boys to spend extra time in such a perilous situation?

frankly, i'd be way less worried that he is going to secretly circumsize your two year old during normal doctor's office hours, than i would be about the impact of leaving the child in his care for a whole weekend.

if you stick to the two hours a week requirement, that's the most time each week that he can leave the child to cry it out in his crib.

the courts must be pretty wary of him, to award him only two hours a week with his children.

take that as guidance as to how you should feel about him as well.

 

[Theoretica]

I was thinking that too....that if the COURT says only two hours, holy cow! There are mamas who would BEG the courts for only two hours of their kiddo with an abusive ex, and still get eow.

Also OP something to think about....if you KNOW he has a tendency towards violence, the COURT has serious concerns such that his contact is SERIOUSLY limited, and BARELY unsupervised at that...and you continue to allow access...

if/when something happens to your kids, know that CPS could become involved regarding your ability/willingness to protect them.

PLEASE do the two hours and leave it at that. For your kids' sakes. For YOUR sanity. If he's headed to jail anyways, why keep this going?

 

[Jposey]

thanks everyone for the replies!! they have all been really helpful and i agree with all of you.....

just to clarify-- he was ordered the 2 hours in 2007. it was supposed to last for 3 months and then increase with "good behavior" on his part... we never went back to court and he kept having violent outbursts... but hes had almost a year now with no outbursts (that i can prove... im sure he has freaked out but theres nothing i can show the court). every now and then he claims he is going to fight for sole custody of the boys... which i know would never happen (and they would likely laugh at him) but he's claiming ive had no right to keep the boys from him when i have (which is ridiculous) and is definitely fighting for standard or split visits claiming i alienate the boys from him.

I wanted to explain a little how i've ended up allowing more visitation--- he didnt go instantly from his assault charges to every other weekend visits.

The original incidents with me were in may and july of 2007. once i filed the oder of protection that july, the children were included in it so he was court ordered no contact with them at all.

when we went to our first (and only) divorce hearing in august 2007 (where he was ordered the 2 hours per week) he was asking for every other weekend THEN (barely a month after a huge blowup and our youngest was only 3 months old!). he had letters from his doctors at the VA, and from his anger management classes (rquired from the assault sentencing) claiming he was sane and not a danger to himself or others anymore.... and like i said his excuses always stemmed from problems with medications (or just that I "made him do it..." ugh) the judge saw through it all, thankfully. we were set to go back to court in 3 months (nov 07) and re-evaluate and i was told by the judge and my lawyer to be prepared if he did keep to his ps and qs for him to be awarded more time with them when we went back (regardless of whether i was breastfeeding or not... because my lawyer stressed that)....

we ended up going to mediation at the 3 month point and worked out an agreement to wean the kids onto visitation with him (they saw him almost none of that 3 month period-- but he did do some inpatient care at the VA and was seemingly a lot better), for various reasons we never made it back to court to have our agreement signed by the judge (and its a good thing... because he did blow up a couple times again after that)

all the visitation that we agreed on in mediation was contingent on him NOT being violent with people or property (meaning definitely no assaults, but he couldnt get mad and punch a wall at work or anything either...) and there were to be no threats whatsoever of homocide, suicide, or any harm in general. just no erratic or violent behavior (not a lot to ask!!!!!) and my lawyer was surprised X agreed to it because he probably would have gotten a more traditional order by the judge…..

It started with longer visits once a week. When I saw that was going well for a couple months (at that time still waiting for my attorney to get the final papers ready) and his behavior was still stable, and the boys were handling it well, we moved to the next step… i allowed him to keep the kids while i worked some nights (6 to 8 hours a night or two per week). it was late when i picked them up, and the next step on our visitation plan was short overnights (meaning i drop them off 1 night a week and pick them up early the next morning). It was also easier on our boys to do this at the time (early 08) rather than transporting them home in the middle of the night. the situation i thought was running really smoothly, but in march of 08 (seemingly out of nowhere) he was arrested on the felony charges with his girlfriend.

We had no contact whatsoever after that (and if my lawyer had done his job my divorce would have been final immediately after that... but thats another post in itself as well). a little over 2 months later, our second son had his first birthday. x's family and mine live a couple hours away not too far from one another, so i agreed to let my mom bring them to his moms house after our birthday party here, so they could have one there. I was ok with X being there, and because he lives in the area i live in, he was to drive the kids back to me immediately afterwards. which he kind of did, only he brought them to his house (across town from me) and demanded that i pick them up there, where he flew off the handle again. He didnt hit me that day but he did choke his girlfriend when she tried to step in because he was punching the walls of their apartment. I told the police everything, including what happened to her. I would NOT have lied for him (i think he just knows not to try DV with me anymore because I will and have pressed charges, and he knows I would again!) but she did lie for him, so the DA basically had two women saying nothing happened to them and the case was retired (meaning they left it open for 6 months and it would be dropped if nothing else happend... and it was dropped).

anyway i still didnt allow him to see them for several more months... the boys would often stay with my mom on the weekends i would work (3rd shift and longer hours because of the commute from her house back to nashville) and she allowed XH to visit with them behind my back. i was furious when i found out, but it had been going on regardless... and again he seemingly had everything in order and was putting a good show on for everyone (and still is, as may was the last incident that I know of)

so we weaned onto visitation AGAIN.... at that time he had moved in with his family (grandmother and mother). So I felt more comfortable with them all being there and with my family close by... and it saved me money on childcare and gas to transport them up there... horrible reason to add to the list, but i was barely making enough to cover those costs, much less to pay the bills. and our older DS has almost always (until the last few months) done BETTER when he has visited with his dad. it destoryed DSs spirit when my ex left... especially since he didnt see him at all for so long (even though there were good reasons that he just couldnt understand). I have always been worried about sending them, but he must have been doing things right when he was seeing them initially because they were handling it much better than i expected.

but like i said, this year he started seeing them less (out of town a lot is what he says... fine by me because i dont want to send them anyway). and hes started being more hostile and controlling in our conversations... which are supposed to only be about the kids and i try to keep to email... but the exchanges (which are always in public) have become more and more tense.... and then there was everyhting in my post earlier...

like i said its been a few weeks since he's seen them and ive tried to have some conversations with him about my concerns in that time, but yesterday when he was really pushing for htis weekend, i really pushed for some answers about how he's caring for them... and definitely got some i didnt want (hed been telling me what i wanted to hear apparently and i pretty much called bs on him and he admitted to a lot).

*****

My lawyer ended up withdrawing last summer and moving across the country for another job (after using my full retainer and not finalizing my divorce). So Ive had to wait for tax season to get money for another lawyer… and X claimed at least one of the kids on his taxes so my tax return was put on hold…. He'll have to pay the money he got for them back to the irs plus interest and penalties… but until them im just waiting for the money to hire another lawyer to get this done. ive already exhausted all the searches for legal aid, pro bono programs, domestic violence advocates... pretty much none of them can help because i'm not in "immediate" danger and/or Ive already hired a lawyer on the case (even though i dont have one now and i borrowed the money to file in the first place---- because i couldnt get help then either! argh!)

X has always claimed that I am trying to alienate the kids from him. I OBVIOUSLY have a LOT of good reasons to keep them from him-- but he has money for a new lawyer (he fired his) and I don't (yet). So I have tried to cooperate even more to keep him from taking me back to court since i dont have representation… like I said- legally- he looks ok on paper for the last year. He's doing everything they tell him to do, and has no documented blow ups for a year, and its very likely he'll be awarded standard visitation when we go back. He is very charming and manipulative... some people can see right through him, but others buy it. and who knows what kind of judge we'll get

anyway ive voiced my concerns with the lawyer I have chosen to hire when I do get my money- about how to handle his unpredictable behavior. Say they order standard visitation with no provisions in our final parenting plan, and he blows up a month later… *I* have to raise the money to bring the issue back to court- I couldn't be held in contempt if I kept them from him and he took it back to court (because id have a good reason) but he could get the police to intervene and enforce the court ordered visitation until I got it before I judge to have it changed (did that make sense?). it would be up to me to raise the money and take him to court and prove that he is unfit for visits... and in the time it took me to do that- short of kidnapping my own children i wouldnt be able to stop his visitations....

So the lawyer said its likely that they could leave it to my discretion somewhat especially since i have been very lenient with him- so I don't want to screw that up by "refusing" to let him see his kids. But like I also said and you guys pointed out- I know by sending them regularly (which has not been happenening lately (his choice not mine this time) but he wants it to happen again) that I'm essentially saying im ok with it and wont have a leg to stand on in court….

I suggested to him that he could meet at the park or something on Saturdays with the boys instead or even that DS1 has overnights while DS2 has shorter visits….. im just trying to remain cooperative (against my better judgement) so that I wont be deemed unreasonable when it comes to visitation when we go back to court…. Legally he has a good defense on why he should see the boys and I just don't want to risk losing what little power I have…

Like I said im just torn. This drives me so crazy… thanks for listening….

 

[Jposey]

oh and i really dont know how likely it is that he'll go to prison, (the only details i have on that situation are what i got from the public records online). sometimes he makes it out like its no big deal and his lawyer has it handled and its getting thrown out. but at times hes been crying about probably going to jail. hes facing at least 5 years i think....

i know if he is sentenced to prison he will kill himself. and i hate to say it but i know we will all be better off if that happens... and even if he doesnt-- well at least i wont have to deal with this for a while... and maybe he'll agree to send his disability checks to me so he wont get even farther behind in CS. ugh

 

[ElliesMomma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jposey i know if he is sentenced to prison he will kill himself.

this is profoundly scary. what if he decides to kill himself, and take others with him?

why are you being so afraid of "going to court" when somehow it just never happened that you two went back to court over the past couple years.

if you ask me, your ex wants as little to do with "court" as possible. from the sounds of it, he's got 1) a frightening violent streak that even if he doesn't directly hit your kids, them seeing him choke his girlfriend is horrible for your boys; 2) a long sorry history with the law, that from the sounds of it always involves him as trouble-maker.

you've added details as to why you are doing what you are doing; however i stand by my previous advice, that you really need to take a long look at *yourself* and the role you are playing in keeping this thing going with him.

you might want to start by going to the library and getting some books on co-dependency.

 

[pinetree]

From what you've said, he's not keeping up with his 2 hours per week right now?

I'd say that at a minimum, he needs to keep that with a standard schedule before you even consider overnights of any kind. If he asks for overnights, remind him that he should keep to the current schedule before trying to increase it. I would be surprised if he gets things changed if he's not keeping the 2 hours per week right now.

But... the courts continue to surprise me.