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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It's been almost a week since I miscarried. My body is going back to normal-- a 'normal' that hasn't been normal in almost three years, since I was either pregnant or nursing or both since 12/05. I feel empty and sad, even though I don't feel worried or physically sick or weak anymore. I feel better, and I feel worse.<br>
Ten weeks ago exactly, we conceived. We were excited and happy and just never imagined it could end this way. My first pregnancy was emotionally a challenge, but physically a breeze.<br>
When I delivered the sac, just before heading to the ER, I was still bleeding so much I couldn't take the time to just be with my baby. We wrapped her (I'm sure she was a girl) in paper towels and even though she was in the house with us from Thursday to Saturday, when we buried her, I never really saw her. I'm not sure if I'm thankful or sorry. The fluid in the sac was so bloody--I don't think it was just on the outside, I think it was inside, too--I could tell there was a baby inside, and I could see her head, but that's all. It would have been so much harder if she hadn't been in the sac, but now I'm pained that I will never see her, even though I'm sure I had started to feel her move just days before the miscarriage.<br>
I just feel empty, and sad, and tired. We want to try again, and the midwife says physically we can go for it whenever my period comes back, but I just don't know how I will go through the first 11 weeks, let alone a whole 40, without panicking every minute that something is wrong. Now that the crisis is over, I'm just so sad.
 

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I'm so sorry, Sanguine. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"> Your words have been comforting to me, just knowing that someone else knows how I feel. I hope you can also take a little comfort in knowing that you are not alone here. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/candle.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Candle"><br><br>
I, too, have been feeling like my body is going back to "normal," even though I have not yet actually miscarried... I am technically still pregnant, but don't feel it physically at all anymore, & my heart is aching for that. I feel betrayed by my body. It is such an amazing & miraculous feeling to be full of life, & even though my poor sweet baby is still in there, I too feel incredibly empty...<br><br>
Just cry. Cry until there's no more cry left. It hurts so bad to let myself feel the pain so deeply, but it's the only way for me to let it go... one tear at a time. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks... it is good to have a place where everyone understands.<br>
I've been struggling with the 'betrayed by my body' stuff too. I know intellectually that usually first trimester losses happen because there's something really wrong, but emotionally it doesn't help much.<br>
I was talking to a friend who is a hypnotherapist who works with people who are trying to conceive... she said 'maybe that baby wasn't ready to be born yet.' It helped me to think about it from a different point of view--like it wasn't just my body making this decision. But honestly, nothing is helping much, except for talking, and crying.
 

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I'm so sorry. I understand feeling betrayed by your body. It's an awful feeling. I wish I had words to make you feel better. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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i too feel this way...just a betrayal of self i guess. this is also the first time for me in 6 years that i haven't been pregnant and/or nursing. i'm not really sure what to do with it all to be honest...
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Today has been hard--it's been one week tonight. But all of the kind words I've gotten and stories I've read here have made it easier. I think I'm finally starting to accept that nothing I did could have caused or prevented this. And tomorrow is my tenth wedding anniversary, so there are good things to remember, too. Thanks for all the good thoughts.
 
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