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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi Ladies,<br><br>
I just wanted to get something off my chest. I'm 12 weeks and we just announced to our families this past weekend that we are going to have a baby. Everyone was very happy and my DH's family seems (so far) to be supportive of the homebirth...even grandma. They said "oh how lovely!". My mother on the other hand reacted the way I thought she would. My mom is awesome but she is very straight and doesn't go for any of that alternative stuff. She thinks its just wacko eventhough she didn't say as much. She just said "Oh god, Amy" when I told her. She is far from an annoying busy body, opinionated mom...she minds her own bussiness. But I know that I will probably be hearing comments such as "don't you want to see a Dr?" at some point in my pregnancy. I had to ask her some questions about her birth experiences last night so I could fill out a questionaire for my midwife appointment. I asked her "weren't you born at home?". She said "yes, but I'm sure the Dr. was there." I know what she was getting at. Hmmm...a rural Dr. in 1943 or a trained midwife in 2004? I wonder which was safer??? Duh.<br>
I just wanted to hear any stories from any of you ladies how you may have handled a very loving, non-obnoxious mother when she is truly just worried about your well being. My mother will NEVER fully go for what I'm doing. I just hope to ease her mind enough so that I can curb the negative vibes...especially toward the end.<br>
Do you advise sending her literature to read?<br><br>
Thanks,<br>
Amy
 

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Amy -- congrats! Glad to hear you're expecting a little one and that you're planning a homebirth. I had a homebirth with my first child, too. It's interesting because it sometimes places you in an odd position with "experienced" mothers trying to tell you what to do. But, just educate yourself & you should be fine!<br><br>
Family usually comes around or at least learns to be quiet. You know with mine, I did a lot of educating and so did my husband. I talked about how labor and delivery have changed since they had their kids. I talked about early inductions, routine interventions, horror stories from friends' births, etc. I also balanced that with how these types of things are handled during a homebirth. In the end both my husband's family and my family were very supportive of homebirth. The idea has been planted and my SIL talks about having a lay midwife deliver her children.<br><br>
Also, when you meet with the MW the first time, it's a great time to discuss "What happens if..." type of things and maternal/infant death/harm. You can talk about it and then move on. That way when the obnoxious asks you, "What happens if..." you can answer them with knowledge to back it up.<br><br>
Best wishes!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/oops.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="oops">T Oh, and the meddling strangers is another topic all together. Get good at answering this question that comes right after the "When are you due?" The "Where are you delivering?" I would always respond, "Well, my insurance says I get to deliver at St. Joseph Hospital." If you mention "hombirth" 9 times out of 10 the other person will say, "Oh, you're brave." That always annoyed me.
 

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Amy, Congratulations!<br><br>
My mom was pretty wary of homebirth as well. She had a massive hemmorage after I was born and always says that she would have died if we hadn't been in the hospital. Personally I think that part of the reason she bled so much is that the doctor tugged on the cord to pull out the placenta, instead of waiting for it to detach on it's own. Apparently another doctor had to reach into her uterus and scrape clots out later, GRRR. Uh, sorry, went off on a little tangent there! Anyway, she was concerned about possible complications and how the midwife would handle them. I solved this by bringing her to several prenatal appointments. My midwife encouraged me to bring whoever I wanted to the prenatals. By the end of my pregnancy my mom had a lot of trust in Susie. She got to see first hand that my midwife was a caring, professional, knowledgeable lady who would take care of me and the baby. She said later that she admired me for making an informed decision and going for it. She said, "You did it the right way because you did it YOUR way." Still makes me tear up.<br><br>
My dad waited until I was 40 weeks to tell me that homebirth scared him. Uh, okay...I really didn't need any negativity at 40 weeks! I sent him this link with a suggestion that he might like to learn a little about the safety of home birth. <a href="http://falcao.best.vwh.net/ronnie/homesafe.html" target="_blank">http://falcao.best.vwh.net/ronnie/homesafe.html</a> He never mentioned anything else.<br><br>
Well, I hope that rambling helped somewhat....good luck with talking to your family.<br><br>
Take care,
 

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Congrats!<br><br>
We live near my inlaws and not my family, so the in laws were the issue for me. They were all (MIL and for SILs) very much against it. MIL never said much, just "I worry" kind of statements. She is actually a very sweet lady. The SILs took us both (dh and I) into a room to try to scare us out of it. All they did was scare me even farther from hospital birth, telling me their horror stories. They also tried to give us a guilt trip by telling us that MIL couldn't sleep nights because she was so worried. They wanted us to sign a release or something with a lawyer so that if I died my parents wouldn't come and try to take the children from Ryan. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">: OMG it was a nightmare. This was all in my 8th month too. In order to get back in my birthing groove I had to completely avoid them for the remainder of the pregnancy.<br>
We had given MIL a book on homebirth but I don't know if she read it or not. It didn't help her anyway.<br>
I would suggest you give your mother some reading material if you think she would be receptive. You sound like you are very close so that makes it kind of hard. I would share a little bit with her but don't be suprised if she rejects it as if you hadn't said anything. For some reason my inlaws don't listen to reason if it is against what they believe. I don't know if this is typical or not.<br>
Just want to wish you good luck. I am glad you have some support in your homebirth. I hope you can win your mother over.
 

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What we did when preg with #1 was just not tell anybody we were having a homebirth, because I didn't want to deal with the negativity. It was a great strategy <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Now preg with #2, we feel more equipped to deal with questions, since we have btdt, but honestly we don't plan to tell my parents (600mi away) that we are pregnant until we see them at Christmas, at which point I will be 5.5 months along. When people here start noticing, they will just get an education, gently, of course. It's a bit awkward, because a number of women at church have had the classic cascade of interventions, and they really put HB up high on the scale of coolness as a woman, but they generally have very little knowledge about the mechanics of childbirth beyond the description of the stages, so they don't know about all the brain chemistry stuff and just how amazing natural childbirth can be. I don't want to make anybody feel bad, but I'm not interested in hearing pointless horror stories.
 

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I just did internet searches for homebirth info and gave it all to my mom to read. After reading the stats on safety and the infant mortality rate comparison she was ok with the HB <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you all so much for the input. I do think I will send my mother something to educate her. I really believe that until the end she would rather see me in a hospital but at least I can let her see that I'm not just doing some weirdo hippie thing. Its funny, I was thinking that her reaction to homebirth was just like if I had told her I was going to be a stripper because they make good money or that I was planning to marry a 70 year old man because I loved him very much<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> ! I think she thinks that homebirth is about that rediculous.<br><br>
Misty D. you really had the ideal outcome with your mother it sounds like. That's what I would hope for. I know that is not what I'll get but I may be surprised.<br><br>
2much2luv, OMG! That sounds like the worst possible situation with the inlaws. Wow! Talk about the 'war on terror'...maybe ol' George W. should have a talk with your sister in laws!!!<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
biberin, I admire you for being able to keep your mouth shut. I considered that but I am just so excited and proud of our decision that I just wanted to shout it out. My parents are 1,200 miles away and my in laws are in Spain so I guess I could have pulled it off. I'm not looking forward to the pointless horror stories...I know I'll hear them.<br><br>
Sparklin, you have made me decide to go the education route. Luckily I know that those family memebers who oppose will most likely be quiet about it. I'm all for them calling each other up and complaining to each other...just not to me.<br><br>
LuvMy2Kidz, I will do the internet search. That is a great idea!<br><br>
Thanks again!<br>
Amy
 

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I haven't gotten any negativity yet, but I've only told a few people that we are planning a homebirth. I got the "you're brave" from my Grandma, but I just said, I feel safer at home than in a hospital. That is going to be my staple answer, and if people ask why, they will find out exactly why.<br><br>
My mom has been pretty supportive, she actually asked me if I was going to have the baby at home. She's pretty receptive, and I know she'll be supportive.<br><br>
I am nervous about my in-laws however. I'm sure they will ask when we are staying with them for a week at the end of this month. I am going to have a stash of literature for anyone that might freak.<br><br>
Its so silly to me when people imply that doctors are somehow better than midwives. Sure, when you need a c/s, but I bet most midwives have attended more births than most ob's. I got a few, "but aren't you going to see a doctor?". No, why is my midwife not good enough, its all she does! Hello, these are trained professionals!<br><br>
Anyway, I think education is the best. The more people are exposed to it, the more comfortable they will be with the idea. Of course I know there are lots of exception people out there too.<br><br>
Best of luck, try to pull up the stats on how many hb's there are every year and that women who choose it tend to be more educated, etc... on top of safety, mortality, etc...That might help if she thinks its so completely off the wall.
 

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Good luck. My mom was okay w/our HB but not when we freebirthed! She's a RN! Eek<br><br>
ANyway, I think a good book might be Ina May Gaskin's "guide to childbirth" or something like that. It's not so funky as spiritual midwifery but has lots of statistics and puts the traditional OB route to shame. HTH
 

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Do you think your mom would go for watching a video or reading a book? I know your mw will have at least one good video about the safety of birth outside of a hospital. And there's lots of great, easy to digest books out there. Gentle Birth Options (or something like that) is really good.<br><br>
Whatever it is, you may not be able to convince her at all that being at home is safe. I know what you mean about wanting her to feel ok with this and not be so scared. Maybe if you say, "Mom, what is it specifically that you're afraid of?" Then as she says things you can respond with how it can be handled at home and if you don't know, tell her you'll ask your mw about it and get back with her.<br><br>
For my mw's, there have been few if any TRUE emergencies, reasons for transport. Most of the time it's b/c mom is worn out and needs some drugs or whatever so she can rest. And what gives me comfort, is what my mw said, that if you don't have the drugs in your body, then it's not such a dire emergency. You're dealing with the body in a natural state, so things don't go badly as fast as they do in the hospital. You have more time.<br><br>
Oh, I just thought of a good book, that might be fun for your mom to read. It's called Baby Catcher: chronicles of a modern midwife. And it's a narrative, non-fiction book about a midwife in CA. That might be a more "fun" read for your mom. Who knows! It's in paperback now, so it's cheaper!<br><br>
Take care, and I think your mom will come around. Once she sees how comfortable and educated you are about this, it should help ease her fears. The intial shock of it all may have been most of her reaction that night.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
My midwife suggested "The Heart and Science of Homebirth". She said it was a good simple read that should explain alot of it to my mom. I wanted to avoid the more statistical information due to the fact that it can be so, well, boring to read. I'm interested in homebirth obviously and I find I can only read so many "a study in New Mexico found that..." stuff.<br><br>
I appreciate your help everyone. I have confidence this will all work out fine!<br><br>
Thanks,<br>
Amy
 

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well, i was fortunate with my mother.. she lives 5 hours away, and although she's a nurse, she didn't really care when/where/how our kids were born..<br><br>
my mother in law, on the other hand, flipped out when i told her about our homebirth plans.. both times around. at first, i tried to educate her as much as possible.. asking what her concerns are, and then telling her how our MW would respond to them, etc. but, by the end of the pregnancy, and she was STILL asking 'don't you want to go to the hospital?'.. i just decided to ignore her. i wasn't very pleasant either, i'm afraid. i told her that this is my birth plan, not hers, so leave us alone LOL. she got to do her births her own way, and now it's my turn!<br><br>
but, since your mom is so nice, i'd go the education route as much as possible. she can even talk to your MW if that's okay with both of you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Well, I talked to my mom yesterday. She was talking about buying us a car seat and she said she thought we'd need one to bring baby home from the hospital...but then she realized that we won't be doing all that! The way she said it was in a joking, pleasant manner. As if she had accepted it to some degree. I went ahead and told her that I ordered her a book because I am sure she won't ever say "homebirth is a great idea!". Maybe when it's all over she will. But I told her I wanted to her to be comfortable with it. She said it was my Dad that needed to read the book! Now that doesn't surprise me!<br><br>
I just got a much more calm/comfortable feeling from her. I felt pretty good about it.<br><br>
This is going to work out ok!<br><br>
Amy
 

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I don't know if you would want to do this (I had all my mw appts at my house) but my mom was visiting during one and I encouraged her to stick around for it. She met the mw's and they chatted and stuff. After that she couldn't say enough nice things about them.<br><br>
My mw's and I joked before they came over that they should dress really hippy and wave their hands over my belly saying "oh! I can feel the baby's aura!" and stuff, just to flip mom out... :LOL
 

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Yeah, Phoebe, it sounds like you're in for a decent, non-freaked-out-mom pregnancy.<br><br>
Your mom's reaction reminds me very much of my dad's...he didn't give me any negative vibes, really, but I knew he was freaked out, because he's freaked out about birth in general (he witnessed my birth, a classic "mom-could-have-died drama" that was completely iatrogenic.)<br><br>
After my baby was born at home, he was very proud and congratulatory and amazed, but he did admit he was "so proud you pulled it off," i.e., that I had a successful homebirth.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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My mom was a public health nurse back in the 1960s and although a total advocate of natural birth, was skeptical of homebirth. However I sent her some literature on the saftey of hb for low-risk women. This helped a good deal but I have to say that after the birth when she came to visit us and met the midwife, she was VERY impressed with the quality of care and that made all the difference.<br><br>
The more people see midwives in action acting as proffesional competent aids to birthing and pregnant women, the more people will accept midwifery as the superior model of care.
 

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Phoebe, I'm so glad to hear how well your experience ended up going - if your mom is anything like mine, she probably worries about you a bit when you go on a trip or whatever - and she probably also has a preconceived notion about hospitals as the ultimate safe place to be. There's nothing wrong with that, it's the way we tend to be raised in this society, and it is a comfortable myth for many, many people.<br><br>
I hope telling my parents that we're planning a homebirth this weekend goes well. I could have told them a month ago, when we went to the lake with them for a weekend, but they were staying at the lake for a week after we left, and I didn't think it would be fair to my mom to be unable to do any research at all the whole time.<br><br>
My parents and I are close (though I still feel like a little kid around her sometimes), and I would really like them at the birth(they only live 2.5 hours away). My only fear about this is that instead of feeling like a powerful woman, my mother's presence may reduce me to a dependent child (not because of anything she does, but just the way I am around her at times). At first, dh was totally against the idea of her presence, because he knows our relationship is volatile at times, but then when I started bawling and couldn't stop after reading the chapter about birth in Shiela Kitzinger's "Becoming a Grandmother" (borrowed from the library-thinking about buying it for mom as this is my parents' first grandchild), he agreed that maybe I should have my parents around (they are the only people, other than dh of course, that I can't imagine the birth of this baby without).<br><br>
Anyway, my mom was fairly liberal in her day - cloth diapered and breastfed all of us, even though at the time breastfeeding was something that was frowned upon, and didn't circumsize my bros. But I still think she'll flip about the homebirth. I hope not. Any of the friends that I have told have basically said "Yeah, I figured you'd do it that way" - not even one of them was surprised, and they've all been very supportive.<br><br>
Mandy<br>
Mama2B to #1,EDD 01/19
 

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its been a while since i've posted --somthing about being pregnant and the happy mom of a 3 year old...<br><br>
but i needed my fix and here it is!<br><br>
FIRST --mherle, how did it go?<br><br>
we had an annoying reaction from my in-laws. dh thought for sure that they would be okay with it, but WAY OFF. They got all weird and wouldn't look us in the eyes. the negative energy was so thick I wanted to RUN. Basically my in-laws are nice people but very reliant on doctors and VERY self-centered.<br><br>
fortunately my parents had the most unexpected reaction... my dad said in all sincerity, "good for you!" and my mom said, "i just read a great book about midwifery!" I almost wet my pants I was so shocked. I feel so powerful to have them on my side and SO supportive, they are almost like a some amazing drug their support is so strong!<br><br>
And while we were there my mil tried to give my dd some taboo food, she said, "its all natural, i thought you guys were doing all natural..." it was JUNK FOOD. fortunately my dh shut her DOWN.<br><br>
Unfortunately dh and i had a bit of an arguement because he can handle (ignor) his parents so much better than I! I guess I must count my blessings --that he is NOT like his parents!<br><br>
THANKS FOR THE VENT~~ I needed it!<br><br><br>
PS We have the greatest midwife and heard the heartbeat! So really all is WELL!
 

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Amy, I hope things are going well for you with the parents.<br><br>
I have decided NOT to tell my in-laws. They were freaked enough that we had a midwife the first two times, very little prenatal testing, intact ds, etc etc. If they ask, I'll tell, but I'm not going there on my own! Like someone else said, I don't want to be in a defensive mode, or feel negativity about this. We are totally comfortable with this.<br><br>
Luckily, my parents are supportive.
 

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Thanks for asking namama. Telling my parents went WAY better than expected! My mom said that at one point, she actually thought it would be neat to be a midwife. And my dad basically asked if it was safe, and when I said yes, he said good enough for me. He didn't even want any of the statistics (he's a very statistic oriented type of person), and said if I had already done the research, why would he. I also asked them both to be at the birth. My mother is very excited! As for my dad, I'm pretty sure he is also excited (they live 2.5 hours away, and he expressed concern about making it here on time), but he may not actually be in the room for the birth - which is fine, he'll still be in the house. I have to say I do regret not telling them sooner - my mom was a little hurt that I told my brother and my aunt before her, I think. I tried to explain that it was because I'm not their baby, I'm hers, so they wouldn't worry quite the same way she might have. I think she understood, but still . . .<br><br>
As a sidenote, I asked my mom why she chose not to circumcise my brothers and what it was like to go against the norm at the time. She basically said she couldn't have justified doing something like that "just because", and that it was frustrating to deal with others' reactions, like a salmon swimming upstream. I also asked my bro if he ever wished he was circumcised (to get a firsthand perspective), and he said "If you have a boy, do NOT circumcise him. It's cruel. And everyone I know that isn't circumcised would say the same thing.<br><br>
I don't know why I forget sometimes that I'm basically cut from the same cloth as the rest of my family. Maybe I can blame it on my pg brain?
 
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