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So he wants to have everything on his terms and is not coming close to putting his child's interests even next to his. What was his response to your options for him to pay a set amount decided on by you or go to court? He has gotten away with so much he seems to think he can get away with anything with you. I would work toward detaching from him the way people detach from addicts. He is a lying, unstable, poisonous person to you so it's not far off. I would also document all this like crazy, save notes, emails, etc. in case this ever goes to court. He can't have it all his immature, selfish way unless you let him. Take your time, find your strength and voyage on. I used to spend a good few nights pacing and ranting to myself about the &(*&&(( who I reproduced with.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
He told me i was nuts for wanting $400 a month from him. I reminded him of the $2500 a month he spends alone in mortgage for the two homes he and his girlfriend has and he just said he couldnt afford the $400. Most everything is said in person so nothing to document really. It becomes heresay in court.
 

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I think maybe you're over-thinking it all - easy to do when you're over-loaded with stress. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
I don't think your daughter would be missing out on much with a "father" who is so unstable AND so unwilling to commit to her financially. Stop beating yourself up over that, and give yourself the space you need right now. If he's serious about fatherhood, he'll still be there when you're ready. And if he's serious about fatherhood, he'll step up to the plate financially. But right now he's <span style="text-decoration:underline;">not</span>. So meanwhile, put space between yourselves. If he makes threats, doesn't he have reasons to not want to go to court? It's not "mean" to remind him of that - it's just factual, and on a practical level, you have a child to raise.<br><br>
He doesn't get to just waltz back in when he's good and ready. That's not good for you, so it's not good for the baby. He sounds like he's just playing games anyway. I'd phase out the visits for the time being - obviously don't make a huge announcement as that just riles this type of guy - but tell him you need space to think about things - JUST the way he did! and that you'll contact him when you. are. ready.
 

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Can you ask to communicate only by email -for your personal comfort- and allow him hour long visits with your dd a couple of times a week where he can take her for a walk or be in a public place? That way you wouldn't have to be so close to him. Would you be ok with him having some visitation if that meant that you would get childsupport? If you would you can tell him that either he pays the $400 or you will need to have it settled in court. Clothes and diapers? Seriously! How is it that reluctant dads think that is all that needs to be provided. I am just so disgusted by men sometimes.
 

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...and ditto to not needing a self centered, reluctant dad. She may resent you later for it but she could resent for subjecting her to the ups and downs he will bring too. You just never know and all you can do is your best.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks, that's the kind of perspective i was looking for. I have a major guilt complex. When i initially brought up the $400 a month his first response was "What does she eat $400 a month in food"? So frustrating. I don't trust leaving him alone with her for an hour. I don't think he would take her but i don't want to take that chance either. He had an ugly custody battle once years ago and he told me he wanted to take his then 2 year old out of state and away from the mom but she filed custody first. I do have plenty to make him not want to go to court but i don't know if he would chance it anyways and go through with it to be spiteful. I texted him yesterday and asked if he would be willing to go to a private mediator and discuss child support etc. He sent me a text today in response saying "how is baby"? So apparently he doesn't give a crap. I want to just detach and realign myself with my truth. I'm raising this baby and i need to be healthy and centered to do so. I may be moving shortly, out of state, also. I have court next friday first with my other ex. Sigh.
 

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Do what you need to do while looking out for yourself legally. This UAV is not being a father he is being a slightly interested, not very good, family friend. Good luck with your next court date.
 

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God, Avani, you have so much on your plate. I'm sending you hugs and peacefulness and hope the next court date goes well for you. Please update us - we all think about you.<br><br>
Much love to you and your kids.
 

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I know that this viewpoint isn't popular around here... but I firmly believe that there are some fathers for whom the child is better off without them in their lives. Is your little one better off without him around? Only you can really figure that out. If she is, you couldn't pay enough for him to stay away!
 

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No advice, just a hug for you. (((Avani)))
 

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Honestly - I think it is about time you just shut him out. If he is serious about baby he will go through the courts - it sounds like he wouldnt bother though. If he wont even bother to do that, then I second that baby can have a full and meaningful life without him. You can save his name and contact details and give them to her when she someday may want to know who her father is. You need to be at full capacity to be a good mother to ALL your children - you dont need this immature crab from him. Sorry to be so blunt.. But if he wants to be a part of her life it is about time he actually shows it. Even if it costs him money and is inconvenient for him. Big hugs and thoughts.
 

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Yeah, that. He can work for it, if he wants to be a father so badly. And if he doesn't really want that, your child is better off not being around someone so non-committed, because he'll just drift in and out of her life. Take care of you right now.
 

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I notice my thoughts are counter to others but please know I care for you Avani and what I say is from a place of love.<br><br>
I feel you are being unreasonable when it comes to visitation. Either you have to get past your hurt feelings and suck it up so he can visit your dd with you present or you need to allow him short visits with her without you present. Pick one and go with it, but wanting space from him to the point he cannot see dd is not really what you think is best at the core and I would have to say I agree which is why you feel conflicted on that subject.<br><br>
The child support, fear of him taking dd, etc. I cannot advise about because <span style="text-decoration:underline;">you</span> don't want to go to court and it does seem that is the best route with this type of man (even if the court awards you less money).
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Avani</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14707863"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I <b>know it is best for the baby to have her dad in her life</b> but that means me being present while he spends time with her. I honestly can't cope right now. I'm defintely having circumstantial issues combined with postpartum depression and not getting much support right now. Is there ever a time when it is just ok for me to totally detach from him because i need it? I know it might not be in the babies best interest but either was him ignoring me for nearly a year while i carried our baby and brought her into this world. And i don't even know what to do about his girlfriend. I'm getting really mean towards him and i don't like that. I don't want to be like that at all with anyone. We have no court order, he isn't on the birth certificate. Technically he has no rights. I'm trying to think of the baby but trying to make sure i'm ok too. What do you wise mama's think?</div>
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I wanted to comment on the bolded. That statement is not always true. There are times when having the other parent is more toxic and damaging having them there. Its up to you to decide if thats happening or not. Do you think since he left you when you needed him most he may do that to your little one after she is attached to him? This is stuff that must be thought about. If he is being damaging to you as well, the way you parent and take care of your baby and rest of your kids may be affected as well. I was in a similar situation but it was with my ex husband. If he is the biological father he has rights. Maybe not on paper right now but all he needs is a dna test and its as good as done. On the other hand, You can file for child support to make sure you get the money you need and that your lo deserve. Even though he isnt on the birth cert you can collect. If he denies hes the father once again a dna test will put that to rest. if he really wants to he can ask for visitation. It might be a good idea to work out a schedule that work for you both. Since your lo is so young perhaps the visiting can be limited where she doesnt leave you. I wish you the best mama.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
And on top of all of that when i was pregnant, before he started ignoring me and during our breakup, he told me to get rid of the baby, his girlfriend called me and told me to get rid of the baby and he said if i kept her he would be terminating his rights. I sent him ultrasound pictures and offered for him to come to appointments with me but never heard from him. So while i was pregnant i made arrangements to move out of town. The plans are all still in place and i''m supposed to leave in a week. Him wanting to be involved now is what worries me about leaving for all the obvious reasons.
 

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(sorry, I'm forum crashing)<br>
Avani, I think someone has mentioned to you before that you have a lot of leverage here. I think his expectations are unreasonable. You should be able to say that the baby is available at X times and if he is more than 10 or 15 min late, the visit will not occur. Plus, I think it is reasonable to have it at your house or a neutral place like a friend's house, where friend can watch the visit (although since you have 5 other kids, I think you have a good argument for why that's not a feasible arrangement).<br>
Also, his whining about money is BS. You know it is.<br><br>
So you don't want to take him to Court because of the possibility that he will be "found out." I suggest doing it anyway, because if he isn't a total idiot, this is what will happen-- he'll get a lawyer, realize he's screwed b/c of his living situation, and give you what you want and what the law demands.
 
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