[mommy amber]

:
how do you handle family who continue to smoke around your lo's and you (I'm pg)?
MIL just moved to the area and this has become a huge issue...as we are seeing her much more frequently and sometimes going to her house...
I cannot stand the smell of cigarette smoke, it was one of my major nausea triggers early in this pg and I absolutely do not want it around my dd or child to be!
DH has to tell her every time we come over, please not to smoke in the house when we are there...it irks me, b/c I feel like she should *know* by now...and really, if she wants us to come over, don't smoke in the house for HOURS b/f we come over b/c it STINKS.
furthermore, she will light up when she's out and about with dd and I...at the playground right beside us, etc which I also feel is inappropriate...I want her to go far away if she feels like she needs one and to a more appropriate area.
I don't know what makes her think it's okay??
DH and I used to be smokers, me years and years ago, DH still slips now and then, but always always always smokes outside and sprays himself with scent neutralizer b/f coming inside...maybe this is why?
I know it was common to smoke around kids in her child-rearing years...my parents did too...but that was b/f we knew how awful it was for those around you!
She also asked DH and I for a smoke eater for her house for Xmas...which is not only insanely far out of our spending range but not our responsibility...I feel like she's saying, if you want to come over and have a smoke-free time, how about getting me this...but she's the one who wants us to come over and it's her grandchild's and grandchild-to-be's HEALTH we are talking about...not to mention DH and I's!

I guess I just feel like this shouldn't be an issue...it should be common sense (and decency) and I'm starting to feel like a broken record when I mention it...

 

[pumpkin]

I would just refuse to go to her house at all.
I would limit all visits to smoke free locations.
If she were physically incapable of leaving her home because she is infirm, then the answer might be different. However, you mention park visits, etc. which means she is perfectly capable of coming to your house or meeting you at another smoke free location.

 

[AkRotts]

I would definitely refuse to go to her house for visits. If she wants to see the kids she can come to your smoke free house for visits.

 

[odenata]

Lots of my ILs smoke and I grew up visiting grandparents that smoked constantly, so I sympathize.

However, I wouldn't ask a smoker not to smoke in their own home. I would simply say that she needs to visit the kids in my home or we can visit other smoke-free places. For me (as an asthmatic, and someone who thinks that my exposure to smoke at my grandparents contributed to my asthma greatly), I wouldn't feel comfortable visiting a smoking home with my kids, even if the people don't smoke while I'm there. You are still being exposed greatly just being in the house.

 

[CarrieMF]

I think it's incredibly rude of you to expect her to not smoke in HER house for hours before you show up. It's her house & she can do what she wants in it. Besides it doesn't matter if she smokes 5 mintues before you show up or doesn't smoke for 5 days before you show up it's still there & in the air, on everything, etc. Even when your dh has his "slip ups" the smoke is still on him & on his breath even if he sprays himself.

If you don't want to go IN her house then visit her outside, if you live in a cold temperature area that may mean not going over there for months at a time.

 

[Quinalla]

I think asking her not to smoke while you are there is fine (though if she refused, I would just not go), but the house it going to stink of cigarette smoke if she smokes in it, whether it is just before you come over or the day before unfortunately. You may just have to tell her you can't visit her house while pregnant.

I too think it is rude for her to light up right next to you and your DD, but she probably doesn't realize that it is a problem. A lot of smokers are unaware of how much cigarette smoke can bother non-smokers and figure if they are outside or open a window while driving and so on that it is good enough. I would just bring it up when she does and it and say that you are really sensitive to cigarette smoke, especially while pregnant, and if she could please move away while she is smoking, even outside. Just keep reminding her every time, hopefully she will get it eventually!

 

[grniys]

I just wouldn't go over to her house anymore and if she wants to go to the playground together I'd let her know flat out that I'd prefer she not smoke around me or my child. If she did anyway, the outing would be over and there wouldn't be another one for a few weeks.

I would think after several times of that happening she'd realize if she wants a relationship with her grandkids she's going to have to stop smoking around them. Otherwise, she just wouldn't be seeing them.

Anyway, that's my opinion. My MIL smokes and she knows if she smokes around us we leave. No ifs ands or buts. Our health is more important than her addiction.

 

[mytwogirls]

Refuse going over there and refuse for her to have your children with her because she might light up. Seriously. That is not acceptable what she is doing. Not at all. She should know better.

:

 

[Twinklefae]

I just wouldn't visit her at her house. We have family whom this applies to. We either meet elsewhere (mall, restaurant, park...) or else they come here. It's not a big deal. I just say something like, "We're really not comfortable exposing DS to smoke, so how about we (insert alternate activity here.)"

 

[kriket]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AkRotts I would definitely refuse to go to her house for visits. If she wants to see the kids she can come to your smoke free house for visits.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CarrieMF I think it's incredibly rude of you to expect her to not smoke in HER house for hours before you show up. It's her house & she can do what she wants in it.

:
I am an xsmoker too. It burns me up when people come to my house and complain about my smoking. Its my house, I can do what I please!

Now as for her smoking at the park. Thats not cool. Especially if its a playground, not a large wooded area. Playgrounds are for kids not smoking. She can go to the car, or way over there or whatever.

 

[boigrrrlwonder]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CarrieMF I think it's incredibly rude of you to expect her to not smoke in HER house for hours before you show up. It's her house & she can do what she wants in it. Besides it doesn't matter if she smokes 5 mintues before you show up or doesn't smoke for 5 days before you show up it's still there & in the air, on everything, etc. Even when your dh has his "slip ups" the smoke is still on him & on his breath even if he sprays himself.

I have to agree that if you're coming from it from a health angle, spraying himself really doesn't help (and depending on what he's spraying himself with, might be harmful). He really needs to change his clothes, and even then he will continue to breathe it out as well as it will come out of his skin. I also know that the smell and a bit of the negative effects of second hand smoke itself won't dissipate if she just doesn't smoke for a couple of hours and it might not be a request worth focusing on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy amber : She also asked DH and I for a smoke eater for her house for Xmas...which is not only insanely far out of our spending range but not our responsibility...I feel like she's saying, if you want to come over and have a smoke-free time, how about getting me this...but she's the one who wants us to come over and it's her grandchild's and grandchild-to-be's HEALTH we are talking about...not to mention DH and I's!

When I read that, it sounds like she is at least she's showing some consideration. Maybe the smoke eater isn't realistic, but is there anything you could do to help her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quinalla I too think it is rude for her to light up right next to you and your DD, but she probably doesn't realize that it is a problem. A lot of smokers are unaware of how much cigarette smoke can bother non-smokers and figure if they are outside or open a window while driving and so on that it is good enough. I would just bring it up when she does and it and say that you are really sensitive to cigarette smoke, especially while pregnant, and if she could please move away while she is smoking, even outside.

I agree that she might not realize that just smoking outside is good enough if you haven't explicitly told her that. But it sounds like you've been talking to her a lot about your wishes.

 

[mommy amber]

really? rude!?!
I mean, there are lots of things I do in my house (like peeing with the bathroom door open, walking around in all states of undress) that I wouldn't do if I invited guests over...b/c, obviously it would be rude, and uncomfortable for my guests.
asking someone not to smoke when THEY have insisted on your presence at their house seems totally fine to me...I'm not going to put my children's health at risk out of nicety...
I think calling that rude is a little unbelievable.

 

[Joyster]

My mom is a smoker, she loves the boys, and I love having her around. She does not smoke anywhere near my kids. She does this not at my request (though she knows I wouldn't be too happy about it) but she doesn't want them seeing someone they love with such a yucky habit. She would stop smoking in her house for days if I asked her, but really, her place is still saturated with smoke, so we just don't visit. It's a really small place anyhow, so not too comfortable for anyone. She visits here, where there is no smoking.

Why doesn't your MIL just visit you? And ask her not to smoke in front of the kids period. She can wander off on her own for a cigarette.

 

[lerlerler]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy amber really? rude!?! I mean, there are lots of things I do in my house (like peeing with the bathroom door open, walking around in all states of undress) that I wouldn't do if I invited guests over...b/c, obviously it would be rude, and uncomfortable for my guests. asking someone not to smoke when THEY have insisted on your presence at their house seems totally fine to me...I'm not going to put my children's health at risk out of nicety... I think calling that rude is a little unbelievable.

But you close the bathroom dooe because YOU wish to be polite. But what if a guest asked you to always wear shoes in your house because he hated the look of naked feet? Your house, your rules.. her house, her rules...

It's rude to tell people what to do in THEIR home. BUT, as everyone mentioned, you just don't go over.

You CAN"T insist she not smoke in her house, but you CAN decline to go over while she is still a smoker... and hope she starts being accomodating

 

[CarrieMF]

Quote:

mean, there are lots of things I do in my house (like peeing with the bathroom door open, walking around in all states of undress) that I wouldn't do if I invited guests over

You're not just asking her to not smoke while you're there though, you want her to not smoke for HOURS before you come. Would you not pee with the door open or walk around naked for hours just because someone was coming over?

Asking soemone to not smoke while you're there is 1 thing, but for hours before hand is ridiculous & rude.

 

[abomgardner417]

I had this problem w/ il's too. My mil wanted us to sit in the smoking section of a restaurant while I was pregnant and had a cold so that her and her father could smoke during dinner. I politely declined the dinner invite and then she changed her mind but made it clear she was not happy.

I made very few trips to her house while I was pregnant...as in ONE. It was made clear that anyone who smoked was to do so outside our own home. And I think after the restaurant fiasco she realized that my preemie twins were not going to be around any smoke whatsoever, so she quit. If she hadn't I don't know what I would have done cause I would not have wanted my kids over her house in that stale smoke smell.

I don't think you can expect her not to smoke in her own home, but I wouldn't be afraid to say, "Oh, we can't come over cause the smoke is just really making my morning sickness worse."

As for the parks, depending on where you live, some parks don't allow smoking anymore either. But I wouldn't be afraid to slowing start inching away when she lights up around you and maybe she'll get the hint.

 

[Aquafina]

Quote:

t doesn't matter if she smokes 5 mintues before you show up or doesn't smoke for 5 days before you show up it's still there & in the air, on everything, etc. Even when your dh has his "slip ups" the smoke is still on him & on his breath even if he sprays himself.

So true!!!!!!

Also I just wouldn't go over to the house.I know its hard not to and might hurt her feelings but if she ask just be up front and tell her what you told us.And I am sure she would be more then happy to go light up outside away from you guys.

I thinking smoking around babies and kids is a big form of child abuse,and this day in age people SHOULD know its VERY WRONG to smoke around babe's ,kids and preg mothers.....

 

[mommy amber]

yeah, I guess we just have to be more vocal about not going there/ coming here and how much it bothers us, even when we are outside, at say the park or something.
I don't want to be *rude* but I am at a loss for where to head with the problem.
the "hours" part of my op was excessive...I would never verbalize that to her, I'm just still a little steamed about a recent incident...but we have asked her not to smoke in the house when we come over, which I don't think is out of line.
it sucks b/c she just moved to the area and now that she's so close, I think she expects us to "reciprocate" visits...and I get the distinct feeling that she thinks we are being rude if we don't come over...it's like she is not putting two and two together...we've told her the smoking bothers us and that the smell was a major nausea trigger and that we don't want dd around it...but it hasn't changed anything.

 

[odenata]

I think I'd be very clear and say something along the lines of, "The kids and I love to visit with you, but as long as you smoke in your home, we are going to plan visits with you to be elsewhere, because I don't feel comfortable exposing my children and myself to smoke."

 

[Peony]

Quote:

Originally Posted by odenata I think I'd be very clear and say something along the lines of, "The kids and I love to visit with you, but as long as you smoke in your home, we are going to plan visits with you to be elsewhere, because I don't feel comfortable exposing my children and myself to smoke."

Yep, just keep repeating this. It took 5 years for it to sink into my IL's.