[veganmamma]

So my DP's grandmother is a meanie. I have posted about her before. Anyway, she does this thing where she calls out "Sephie... Sephie..." etc, louder and louder until she is yelling at dd, and not in a oud way, it isn't really that loud, it is angry, like she is scolding her or worse. WTF? B/c she is more interested in her toys or her Uncle than Great Grandma? WTH is that? What do I do? The first time I about died. my mouth was too full to yell at her so I shot her a dirty look and took dd off to do something else.

Then, her brother, Great Uncle, does this thing where is she whines or cries , he makes fun of her, mimicking the cry in a mean and nasty way. WTF? She is a baby! I yelled at him like he was a kid and I was one of those mean parents, and just said "Don't make fun of her!." in a tone that implied that only a stupid person would make fun of her. UGH I am so irritated by this. Who do these people think they are? PRetty much the Grandma and all her siblings are like this.

I want to be a strong advocate for dd, but also let them know this isn't appropriate behavior with my nieces and nephews either. I think scolding and yelling aren't really appropriate for me either. I also want these people to know that when dd is a toddler, they will not be scolding or disciplinging her in any way whatsoever. If they treat her like they treat their other grandkids, there is going to be a BIG problem.

Any diplomatic suggestions?
Thanks.
Lauren

 

[eilonwy]

Well, my IL's are very respectful of the way dh and I parent, so when they do something that we disagree with (rarely), one or both of us will sit down and discuss it with them. They're fairly relaxed people, and it's gone very well in the past. When FIL was "teasing" ds, he would frequently say that the baby "didn't like him" and things like that. The teasing has since stopped, and now ds is always happy to see him. So now FIL understands that even the smallest child, who may not understand your words, can pick up on an attitude, and he's changed his as a result. (You can teach an old dog new tricks!

)

It doesn't sound to me like this approach would work with your IL's so well, but it might be worth a shot. I think if the nice way didn't work, I'd probably throw a fit the first time and then calmly but steadily remind them over and over again that their behavior is inappropriate. For example, when Grandma starts yelling, I'd say "Maybe if you didn't yell at her so much she'd want to spend more time with you." My mom's a habitual yeller, and I have to constantly remind her that she's throwing my Bean-Bean into a funk with all that noise.

 

[Arduinna]

What I did, was keep it short and sweet. No long discussions about my parenting philosophy. I just told them flat out, please don't do that to her. When they started up with things I don't like. I repeated when necessary. Often it came out with a "tone" in my voice becuase it just popped out, no planning from me to say it.

IME if you get into the WHY you don't them to do that it just opens the door for debate over the behavior. And in my case, it isn't up for discussion, so I avoid that.

 

[Jane]

I don't think I have an answer. I have some great people in my family, my role models. But there are some vicious people in there too. I don't have any children myself, but I try to advocate for the other kids in the family. I have told my husband that if his grandmother does "THAT" (is nasty to our 1 year old) she is going to be forbidden from seeing any child of mine. He agrees in theory, but I guess we'll see.

In general I use distraction, taking the babies away. I also enlist other sympathetic people. And I support other moms in the family when they pull back from family for a while. There's no reason to let someone be mean just because they like to.

The worst culprit? My brother. Our dad used to do this teasing thing that was horrible sounding but very nice. My brother does the same thing, only his cueing is slightly off sometimes and it's mean. He's getting better though...and kids do LOVE him when they are sheltered a little. He needs a foil, you know? Someone to be too nice so he can be too mean. It's a game you can't play solo.

 

[veganmamma]

Thanks for the responses. I think that is a great suggestion, to say, "Maybe if you don't yell, she will be more interested," or something like that.

My MIL and FIL are great with dd, and very respectful of our choices. It's my poor MIL's family that can be so nasty.

I do also feel like explaining why can open it up for debate, but since I don't owe them anything, if it ever does come to that I can just say because I am the mommy.

Something i hope never to say to dd.

I will still definitely appreciate other ideas and suggestions. Thanks!
Lauren

 

[DebraBaker]

Perhaps you could discuss the situation with the parents of your child's cousins. (because you seem concerned about the cousins as well)

I'm not known for my diplomacy (just to serve as a warning

) but the first thing that comes to mind is if great grandma says/does something that is inappropriate you are gone. Period amen. If the other parents of young children do the same thing the effect would be more dramatic)

I think it takes one or two rounds (sort of like my children behave in resteraunts because if they don't we leave....no yelling no punishments we're just gone)

I think that reinforcing your commitment to your child through your actions (even when it's inconveniant) sends a very powerful message to everyone involved (including your daughter)

db