[4daughters]

Some people that know I'm having a homebirth, keep trying to invite themselves over and ask if they could be there??!! I only want this to be a close family affair, mom, kids and dh and midwife, that's it. How do I say NO without hurting feelings. This has happened to me in the past, when someone that I wasn't even close to decided to show up at my birth. I was so mad.

 

[momto l&a]

How they they be at the birth if you don't tell them when you've gone into labor

Cant imagine wanting to be at somebodies birth personally, its such an intimate time. Maybe I am just a shy person?

Thankfully at my 4 hb's nobody has ever asked to be there

 

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Just be honest in a kind way. Their feelings are theirs, and there's not much you can do about that.

 

[BumbleBena]

My mom wants to be there for my birth, and I told her sorry, no, this is a time for just DH and I. I also told her (and anyone else who asks), that I will NOT be telling anyone when I go into labor. I'll just call once the baby's born and we've had a chance to clean up, etc.

I just wouldn't tell anyone when I go into labor.

 

[Nan'sMom]

Be honest. Do not invite anyone who (1) won't actively help you in the way you want to be helped and (2) you can't easily ask to leave the room, the house, whatever. Birth is not a spectator sport and you need to do whatever it takes to support yourself. If people are pushy say it's a safety issue.

 

[DoomaYula]

If you're really polite, you can always say it's a safety issue or a germ issue or that your midwife says you can only have one person (or whatever).

But my feeling is, you don't need to make any excuses for your birth.

I will have 3 people in the room: midwife, dh, best friend. Everyone else gets a polite no, sorry, I only want these three people at my birth.

 

[Juvysen]

Maybe distract them with a "I can call you as soon as the baby's born and you can come after" I can't believe people are that presumptuous!

 

[mom3b1?]

That's a real sore spot with me. I"ve not had a lot of people try to come to any of my births, but making a party of it goes very much against my grain. It doesn't bother me at all that some people like to birth that way. I think they should have all the people they want at their birth.

For me I can barely stand to have one person around. I don't think anybody who knows me would dare invite themselves to my birth because they would know how I feel. If they did I'd explain it in a very upfront way. I'm very solitary. I want someone there, but over to the side, out of the way, quiet. They can bring me orange juice when I tell them to, or answer a question for me if I get confused, or maybe, if I can stand to let them touch me, help me stand up if I want to stand. If my beloved weren't going to be dodging bullets in Iraq during my birth I wouldn't even want a MW.

Kiley

 

[huggerwocky]

Just say no and don't worry about hurt feelings. It's insane to just invite yourself to a birth! Or if you want to be funny, ask them if you can watch them poo first and if they're not comfortable with that, why should you be?

 

[bryonyvaughn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4daughters Some people that know I'm having a homebirth, keep trying to invite themselves over and ask if they could be there??!!

I agree with other posters if no one other than your midwife and immediate family know you're in labor, you'll be much less likely to get surprise visitors.

Quote:

I only want this to be a close family affair, mom, kids and dh and midwife, that's it. How do I say NO without hurting feelings.

I wouldn't be as concerned about not hurting their feelings as I would them not respecting a clear boundary. I'd address it directly. I might say something like,

"Oh, the only person coming to the birth is our midwife. Between my husband and the older girls we won't need any help with the twins. I do appreciate your offer of help though. Perhaps you'd like to help Anne with the Blessingway, Judy with the meal train, or my mom with invitations to or food for the placenta burial."

You can establish a firm boundary and let them feel included at the same time.

Quote:

This has happened to me in the past, when someone that I wasn't even close to decided to show up at my birth. I was so mad.

That is just shocking. I wonder if seeing all these party births on cable TV makes people think it's a social event worthy of crashing.

~BV

 

[ledzepplon]

Wow, I'm flabbergasted that anyone would have the gall to invite themselves over to a birth--no matter where it is! You need to tell them in no uncertain terms that you'll call them after the baby is born and you do not want extra people coming over.

Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings or sounding rude. They are the rude ones!

 

[lachingona1]

I know what you mean! I am 36 weeks preggo and having my first homebirth, and it seems like all my family members have invited themselves to be there, like it is a big party. It really bothered me at first but my Dh kept telling me that we will not tell anyone when the time comes and we'll call them after. If you really didnt want to hurt their feelings you could even say your labor was so fast you didn't have time. I only want my mom, my dd, my dh and the MW, thats it. I also read that if you have people there you don't really want there, it could stall your labor.

 

[sambelina]

Well, I know what you mean about people wanting to come over and "help." I have some nosy neighbors too and I've thought about telling them to leave me alone until the baby comes. If I get one more knock on the door I will. I'm not going to tell anyone when I'm in labor, but my neighbors know the mw van. So, I told my mw and she knows about them. I'm going to post a sign on the door, telling them that if they knock and ruin my groove they'll be shot. My mw is protective though, so even if they try to come over, she'll shoo them away. So, just either tell them no now, or don't even tell them when you go into labor. I'm sure you're mw will not let anyone in that isn't allowed. So, I'm sure it will be fine.

 

[kristia]

I think you said you mother will be at the birth. A good job for her might be to answer the door to unwanted guests and let them know that you want some privacy. This should be the least of your concerns while you are in labor.

 

[4daughters]

Quote:

Originally Posted by momto l&a How they they be at the birth if you don't tell them when you've gone into labor Cant imagine wanting to be at somebodies birth personally, its such an intimate time. Maybe I am just a shy person? Thankfully at my 4 hb's nobody has ever asked to be there

I don't plan on telling anyone, but my last birth my SIL just showed up (for selfish reasons). You'd be surprised how nervy some people are. They know the due date so they just keep stopping over, cause they know I wont tell them. Plus I'm the first to have HB in my family so they are now curious.

 

[4daughters]

Quote:

Originally Posted by huggerwocky Just say no and don't worry about hurt feelings. It's insane to just invite yourself to a birth! Or if you want to be funny, ask them if you can watch them poo first and if they're not comfortable with that, why should you be?

That's a good one! Maybe I should tell them to buy a HB video and watch it. But don't come to mine.

 

[4daughters]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristia I think you said you mother will be at the birth. A good job for her might be to answer the door to unwanted guests and let them know that you want some privacy. This should be the least of your concerns while you are in labor.

Yes, I'll have to give her instructions on answering the phone and the door. I wish people could just respect my wishes and that's it. They keep using the excuse that I'll need help with the kids cause they'll get in the way. I think I'm turning blue in the face explaining that I want my kids to be a part of the HB, Not stay away. The funny thing is I told my MIL that this was very private and I did not want her to share that I'm having a HB with ANYONE! And she did anyway. It's dh fault because he told her, when he wasn't supposed to. I have no problems with my family they all understand. Since he created it, maybe he should be incharge of detering his family.

 

[sambelina]

I think that's a good idea. We didn't tell anyone either, but my grandmother found out and then she told the rest of my family. I was not happy. They live an hour away at least though so I should be safe.

 

[tammyswanson]

Disconnect the phone. Call them after the baby is born. I have told no one in my family that I'm planning for a UC HB. Unfortunately my DH told his mother (I told him not to). She emailed me saying that I 'have' to tell her that if the big even happens I "have" to call her. I don't know what she means by that, so I emailed her and said I'll tell her after the baby is born, sure why not?

BTW, she came up to the hospital while I was in triage during some preterm labor...what a surprise! DH claims she did it because HE asked her to though. But, I clearly remember pictures of the first grandkid they had, and the haggard look that the mother had in the pictures. Sorry, none of that for me. I'll let everyone know after the fact if we have it at home with no transfer. I wouldn't want anyone but DH at the birth. My mom understands that too.

I'll have to tell them the next day maybe.....

 

[frontierpsych]

I'm so glad no one has asked to be at my birth (previous or future). I would have looked at them like they had grown a second head! Personally, if I am invited to a birth, I'd love to see it (and make myself useful as well while I'm there) but I'd never invite myself to a birth, homebirth or otherwise!