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What would you suggest to avoid drifting apart from DH after baby is born and life gets so hectic? When spending time with DH, but feeling so utterly worn out, what's a good way to connect?<br><br>
TIA!<br><br>
Oops, I meant to post in Parents as Partners forum. Yes, I am utterly worn out! So brain drained.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>PeachBaby</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14712651"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">What would you suggest to avoid drifting apart from DH after baby is born and life gets so hectic? When spending time with DH, but feeling so utterly worn out, what's a good way to connect?<br><br>
TIA!<br><br>
Oops, I meant to post in Parents as Partners forum. Yes, I am utterly worn out! So brain drained.</div>
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Take advantage of being worn out :^) Rent a movie he will like, make him some popcorn, curl up together on the couch, hand him the lotion, and pass out. Connect while you rest. Multi-tasking at its finest!
 

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Nap time sex. Seriously saved us the first year in terms of connecting.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sharr610</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14713726"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Nap time sex. Seriously saved us the first year in terms of connecting.</div>
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yeah that. if dp is at home when the baby naps, we have sex.
 

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The baby swing is also great. When dd was little and woke up in the morning (weekends), I could often feed her, potty her, then put her in the swing. This would keep her entertained for a while, definitely long enough to have "alone time" w/ dh <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
We also almost always watched a video in the evenings while I nursed. Nursing time is a great time to spend w/ dh b/c you certainly cannot go anywhere, so he might as well sit and chat w/ you, haha!<br><br>
I consider sex once a week when you have a baby to be doing pretty darn good. I'm sure you can fit that in somewhere & it will keep you both happier <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sharr610</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14713726"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Nap time sex. Seriously saved us the first year in terms of connecting.</div>
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Agree! In fact we did it (the naptime sex!) all thru toddler time etc. We sometimes miss it now!
 

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<b><span style="text-decoration:underline;">SEX.</span></b><br><br>
I had this whole rant typed out about women not dtd and then b*tching about how their men are grumpy a-holes. But I deleted it.<br><br>
Anyway...do it. Nuff said.<br><br>
Ds is 4 months old and we started dtd at 2 weeks (I don't necessarily recommend that - but I was more than up to it and physically felt good - so I just went for it) and we try to every night, no less than every other night.<br><br>
When we skip a night (fussy ds or just plain ol' too tired) I feel less connected. After a full day of baby talk, I need some grown-up time<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
P.S. I second the watching a movie that you'll both enjoy - together. I wouldn't nap though or make him massage you (Unless he offers/wants to)...otherwise, well, that's not exactly fun for him...<br><br><br>
ETA: What I mean by "don't dtd" is having sex rarely (few times a month). I'm not saying it's unacceptable to say, "Honey, I'm exhausted to night - can we just sleep?" every so often <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 

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And if you don't feel like sex and are exhausted yourself, when the LO naps, what then?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tjlucca</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14722505"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">And if you don't feel like sex and are exhausted yourself, when the LO naps, what then?</div>
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Me personally...or in general? I don't want to interpret the tone of this wrong...
 

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Ride out the rough spots with as little resentment that you can muster, and know that when you are in a better space (LOs get older, life gets easier), you'll be able to work on it.<br><br>
Physical touch is good, any kind, not just sexual. Hugging for no reason, a kiss, stroking someone on the back or hair as you walk by.<br><br>
Nice deeds, out of the blue, to say you were thinking of them.<br><br>
Talking about it. I cried about it once in a while, to DH, and we came up with a plan (the above, date nights, MAKING time).<br><br>
DH and I went through the typical cycle of becoming disconnected, more so after #2 was born. We did a lot of the above after talking about it, and it REALLY helped.
 

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A kind of fun thing DH and I do is utilize our never used guest room as our own private "hotel room". I'll nurse my son down early in our bed (we co-sleep), then sneak away once he is out. DTD in another room, in a different bed, where we are unlikely to wake our son, can be a lot of fun. Once we have gotten our fill of each other, we sneak back into our room and snuggle in bed as a family. Definitely some of the best sleep ever afterwards!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tjlucca</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14722505"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">And if you don't feel like sex and are exhausted yourself, when the LO naps, what then?</div>
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You try it anyway. Sometimes you just have to get started to get in the mood. If it ends up not being sex, at least some cuddling can be nice.<br><br>
If I were to wait to 'get in the mood', sometimes we'd be waiting a long time. Unfortunately if you don't use it, you lose it.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>beansmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14722489"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><b><span style="text-decoration:underline;">SEX.</span></b><br><br>
I had this whole rant typed out about women not dtd and then b*tching about how their men are grumpy a-holes. But I deleted it.<br><br>
Anyway...do it. Nuff said.<br><br><br>
ETA: What I mean by "don't dtd" is having sex rarely (few times a month). I'm not saying it's unacceptable to say, "Honey, I'm exhausted to night - can we just sleep?" every so often <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"></div>
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i'm so glad i read this, i just read a different post and was about to lose my mind. it is painful to see how some have babies, then say they have no desire for sex...until of course they want another baby. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br>
all of a sudden, there's the libido! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
OP: i definitely agree with being intimate. imagine why men are sometimes not ready to have a baby, they worry that the intimacy will die down to close to nothing, more responsibility and less attention/love for them. some could argue all day that men 'don't need it all the time, they're big boys...they can wait a bit" i think some women stretch that "wait a littleeee bit timeline to waiting weeks, months....<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">...i see it all the time, read it all the time. it's refreshing that you are looking for advice on how to keep the romance/connection alive! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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i also wanted to add...i don't think dtd is the only way to reconnect, but it opens the gates for other things...for example..dh and i sometimes flirt/chat before we dtd and we end up laughing for 1/2 hour straight...great for the body and mood, there is also the cuddling afterwards<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> and i feel the sleep is better after.<br>
make a date for movie nights, plan a recipe and get the stuff for it and make it together while having a little wine (or not if you don't drink). that's a great way to relax...and cooking makes for great conversation.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>beansmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14722489"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><b><span style="text-decoration:underline;">SEX.</span></b><br><br>
When we skip a night (fussy ds or just plain ol' too tired) <b>I feel less connected</b>. After a full day of baby talk, I need some grown-up time<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br><br>
ETA: What I mean by "don't dtd" is having sex rarely (few times a month). I'm not saying it's unacceptable to say, "Honey, I'm exhausted to night - can we just sleep?" every so often <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"></div>
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I think this is great advice.<br><br>
At the risk of being flamed, I might point out that not everyone feels this way (the bolded part). I'm as connected to my dh if we have sex 3 days a week instead of six.<br><br>
However, I realize that some people connect in different ways so I "just do it." Like someone else said.<br><br>
I have to be careful to connect in the ways that also make ME feel more connected and coincedentally, these are things that dh can often do without (conversation, shared activity- going to a museum, a new experience -a wine tasting, or something). If I am aware and do both than we both can get what we need.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tjlucca</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14722505"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">And if you don't feel like sex and are exhausted yourself, when the LO naps, what then?</div>
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Just for sheets and giggles, I showed this post to DH.<br><br>
Disclaimer- we have a very active intimacy life and always have, BC and after children, in fact as we get older, much more active, but we have excellent sexual chemistry, not everyone does.<br><br>
His reply- and this is for both partners-<br><br>
Take one for the team. That means sometimes your DP has to take one for the team, because you are exhuasted, ill, had a marathon nursing session or up all night etc, so you guys are benched for this day. Sometimes, you need to put all the above aside and you need to take one for the team. You might find the activity activates the positives and gives you energy and puts you right back on the track.<br><br>
Its amazing how you will both work as a team, whether its he is on the sofa watching tv while the baby naps on his chest and you are asleep or you might then want to choose an activity he likes to do because he has been great helping you. HTH, we have been married for 12 plus years and have spent 7 plus as parents.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Autumn C.</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14729350"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think this is great advice.<br><br>
At the risk of being flamed, I might point out that not everyone feels this way (the bolded part). I'm as connected to my dh if we have sex 3 days a week instead of six.<br><br>
However, I realize that some people connect in different ways so I "just do it." Like someone else said.<br><br>
I have to be careful to connect in the ways that also make ME feel more connected and coincedentally, these are things that dh can often do without (conversation, shared activity- going to a museum, a new experience -a wine tasting, or something). If I am aware and do both than we both can get what we need.</div>
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i don't see reason for you to be flamed. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> i completely understand...dh and i have an excellent sex life and sometimes we are too exhausted to do it every.day. it's usually every other...sometimes every day...it just depends. my husband is the same way in regards to yours...he could easily just thrive on contact...such as intimacy, laughter, long walks taking in the scenery, watching movies-where i like to talk! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> so i try and do a mix of both.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Amys1st</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14730033"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Just for sheets and giggles, I showed this post to DH.<br><br>
Disclaimer- we have a very active intimacy life and always have, BC and after children, in fact as we get older, much more active, but we have excellent sexual chemistry, not everyone does.<br><br>
His reply- and this is for both partners-<br><br>
Take one for the team. That means sometimes your DP has to take one for the team, because you are exhuasted, ill, had a marathon nursing session or up all night etc, so you guys are benched for this day. Sometimes, you need to put all the above aside and you need to take one for the team. You might find the activity activates the positives and gives you energy and puts you right back on the track.<br><br>
Its amazing how you will both work as a team, whether its he is on the sofa watching tv while the baby naps on his chest and you are asleep or you might then want to choose an activity he likes to do because he has been great helping you. HTH, we have been married for 12 plus years and have spent 7 plus as parents.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> my dh would have said the same thing...in fact when i talk to him next (he's in italy on business) i will ask just for fun.<br>
we have an active sex life too. it's not just 'sex' for us...it's intimacy...like i said before-we relax, we laugh, and i think it's very important. i also have great sexual chemistry with my dh like you said you do with yours-not everyone has that...we're lucky!!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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what has been said about dtd is great- altho i envy you mamas who do it every night or multiple times in a week. I am very lucky if we do it every week. I think dp is turned off because my tummy is still flabby from gaining 50+ lbs with a big baby.<br>
But I wanted to add that it might be good to find out what HIS love language is. MY love language is acts of service and so I was spending a lot of time trying to do things for dh, like making sure the house was all clean before he got home, taking out the trash so he didnt have to, etc. Also, I THOUGHT his love language was gifts, so i would pick up little things for him, or make him things, etc. But the other day I asked him to take the quiz, and I found out that his love language is physical affection and words of affirmation. With nursing the baby, and because hugging/kissing are low on my love language list, I wasn't giving him enough cuddle time- or positive words. Since I found this out, I have been making more of an effort to touch him- hug in passing, rub his back, etc, and also to tell him every day how much i love and appreciate him. I think this has made a difference, as he seems more happy and we feel closer.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>jess_paez</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14731713"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> my dh would have said the same thing...in fact when i talk to him next (he's in italy on business) i will ask just for fun.<br>
we have an active sex life too. it's not just 'sex' for us...it's intimacy...like i said before-we relax, we laugh, and i think it's very important. i also have great sexual chemistry with my dh like you said you do with yours-not everyone has that...we're lucky!!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"></div>
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ITA that it's not *just* sex...but a sex-free marriage for a lengthy stretch of time (I'm not talking about the typical birth recovery, ftr) isn't healthy or fair for the marriage - unless BOTH partners, for whatever reason, are on board.<br><br>
"take one for the team" hahahaha...I totally agree on that, too LOL <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
I guess I'm just lucky <i>(or dh is<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue">)</i> in that I have a very healthy libido.
 
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