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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We're planning a homebirth, I have two boys who will be 3 and 5 at the time. My midwife, understandably wants someone to be with them during labor in case they get overwhelmed (or I do). The problem is there is nobody I can think of to ask. I don't want anyone else there. Just the kids, my hubby and midwife and her assistant. This is keeping me up at nights! Here it is 4:30 am and I'm worrying about this detail. Any thoughts, advice would be appreciated!!! Wish I could <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/sleeping.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="sleeping">
 

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Three adults and two kids sounds like enough for me too!<br><br>
I really need dh's support so I would not want him to be the only one left for the kids if ...... whatever happens, but maybe if he is really the children's support person that would be okay.<br><br>
Maybe you have a neighbor that would not be a part if things go as planned but could be there very quickly to play with or take the kids back to her house if something came up.<br><br>
I think that we would have been just fine with me, dh, midwife and my toddler, for the whole laboring and birth but I am glad my friend was there to take ds away for a couple hourse after the birth because I hemmoraged pretty badly.<br><br>
I hope you figure something out.
 

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I would just wait and see how the boys react. You can always delegate the job of looking after them to the mw assistant or DH, whichever seems less helpful to you during your labor. Or you could get some new toys, quiet playtime kind of things (books, paint, playdough? whatever they can focus on for long stretches of time) that they don't know you have until the time comes.<br>
I would also try to prepare them for the birth ahead of time, so they know what to expect. My DD and I have been watching *some* birth shows on tv lately, pictures of childbirth in books, etc. - she loves it! She totally gets that there's a baby in mommy's belly that will come out in two more months, and she just turned two in April. I am very excited about sharing this event with her, after her traumatic surgical birth. She can't wait!
 

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You know your kids, do you think they can handle it? Are they easily distracted? Can they watch a movie and will that keep them occupied?<br><br>
Maybe you could arrange to have someone on stand-by for a worst-case scenario. I'm willing to bet you'll have the baby over night since this is something you're so concerned about. Maybe your boys will sleep right through it!<br><br>
I would not recommend relying on the midwife's assistant to look after the kids, that really isn't her job.<br><br>
Try not to worry, it will work itself out!<br><br>
Amy
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by Mallory</i><br><b><br>
Maybe you have a neighbor that would not be a part if things go as planned but could be there very quickly to play with or take the kids back to her house if something came up.<br></b></td>
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Hmmmm...you just gave me an idea, something I hadn't even thought of! I do have a neighbor, trustworthy, calm, etc. I need to think about that. Thanks for all the great suggestions.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by stafl</i><br>
You can always delegate the job of looking after them to the mw assistant /B]</td>
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I strongly disagree with this statement; that is NOT the mw's assistance's job! *I* play the midwives assistant (as a nurse at a birthing center), and I do not want the responsibility of taking care of someone's children, in addition to my other responsibilities. My primary role is to assist the midwife--that could be many, many aspects, and some of them are very specialized. I love to take a child out to our play area, or build a lego tower with him; *if* there is time and opportunity. But when the going gets tough (usually transition, or a long labor, or birth) I need to be there, with the midwife, able to help her and mom.<br><br>
If it was a possibility to have the mw's assistant take care of the children, that would have been made clear to you. It appears that it was made clear that they request that you have someone there for your children.<br><br>
This is our requisite, as well. If a mom and dad don't want anyone else there, that is fine, but both have to realize that if a child needs something, or is not interested in the birth, then dad has to meet that child's need, possibliy missing the labor and birth. If that is okay with you, fine. Make that clear to the midwife, and it should be no problem. But if you or dh would be sad or upset if dh missed the birth, it is probably a good idea to have someone else there.<br><br>
I definately agree that preparing your children will mean that they will be less likely to be scared and want to leave. Role playing (especially so that they can hear you make sounds), videos, books...all of these are great ways to prepare.<br><br>
And just to give you an idea of why you might need someone there: I have been at births where one or more children simply were not interested in being there, and were running amok in the house; it was rather nerve wracking for me as a mother, as I found it disturbing that none of us knew where the child was at times; I was at a birth where a child became physically ill at the sight of blood, vomiting everywhere and becoming hysterical, and three times I have been at births where a young one got excited during pushing and had an BM in their pants, necessitating a change in clothes. I have seen kids need to be taken away because they couldn't keep their hands off of our instruments, because they were upset by the sights and sounds, because they were bored, hungry, tired, scared, feeling neglected...with a little support, most of these kids still played a great role in the birth. But they needed some guidance. And think of it from your child's point of view---it is a really intense time; they need someone there to experience it with them. It is hard for them that mom isn't able to meet their needs. If it is going to be troublesome for dad to meet the needs of mom and child, someone needs to help him out.<br><br>
I have also seen kids whose mom would have had a really crummy birth had they not been there. Having your children there can be a wonderful source of support and comfort. The vast majority of children do really well with little supervision. But there does need to be someone there to wipe bums, change clothes, open the juice box, fix their lunch, color with the new crayons, play a card game with them...these things cannot be mom's responsibility, and they cannot be the responsibility of the midwife or her assistant, either.<br><br>
Maybe a doula or a close friend would be a good idea. You could even make clear that you don't want them present at the birth; just downstairs, to help the kids if they need anything.<br><br>
Talk to your mw about how you feel and what you want. If it is keeping you up nights, you need to get it resolved. She might have some ideas for you, or at least be able to help you brainstorm for ideas. Maybe you can make a compromise of some sort.<br><br>
Good luck!!<br><br>
Lori
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Lori, that's exactly what I needed to hear. I think my children would do well at the birth...but they are children. I have an appointment with my midwife tomorrow, I'll definately talk with her about it. Thanks!
 

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I felt exactly the way you do about not wnating anyone there but me and my son (3 yrs old0 and husband and the midwives. But i did have a friend who was willing to come if my husband needed her. he got frantic at the last minute and called her bc he thought he may miss the birth bc my son was bored of hanging out with me and didn't really want to be around me during the birth.She came and ended up being there for the actual birth but by then it was exciting with the baby coming out, we probably didn't need her. She did come in handy to watch after him after the birth. My husband so wanted to be there for all of it, but he had to play with my soon. As soon as I started making noises, he woke up and stayed up all night with us. My friend played with hima nd got him to go to sleep and that was a tremendous help so my husband could be with me and the baby after my 3 yr old was kind of done with it. One suggestion is to buy some cool activities and toys for when things get sticky with your kids so that the person watching them (husband or othere0 can get these new toys out of their hiding place and keep them happy and occupied for a while. This really worked great with my 3 yr old. My husband ended up having to be with him and not me so if you need your husband with you or if he really wants to be there, have a backup person to call if you need them, then just see how it goes. Don't worry about it though. it really will all work smoothly. I just had my baby in July and all the stuff I worried about doesn't even matter now. Good luck-
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
That's the part I keep wondering about...will I need my husband with me or can he watch the kids? I am leaning more towards having someone else there for that. Thanks for the idea of having new toys/activities for them, I'll definately do that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hippie.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hippie">
 

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Did you get a chance to talk with your midwife? Have you discussed it with your husband? What are his thoughts?<br><br>
I hope you work something out! Let us know what you figure out; and let us know how it goes!<br><br>
Good luck!<br><br>
Lori
 

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I asked my husband if he regretted not being able to be with me through my whole labor bc he was watching our 3 yo, and he said he had no regrets, that he thought things went the way they were meant to go. He said I didn't seem to need him very much like I did in my first labor ( I really think that was bc my second labor was in water and the first was not, and that I was more comfortable with the whole process since I knew what to expect the second time around).<br>
I really think having someone on call is the best. that way you can try it alone, with no child help, but if your husband decides (you will not care or even know in the middle of your labor) he wants to have help, he can call when the help is needed or he anticipates it is needed. You can make guidelines, like the supprt person isn't to come where you are laboring, but the kids may be allowed in and out, etc. Remember it's your labor and you need to feel comfortable with everything going on, but it must be planned in advance.<br>
And I can't stress the success of new activities enough. I was in labor, and my 3 yo started crying saying he didn't want the baby to come, and I told my husband "Remember the new toys??" and he said it was like magic, and they were playing for the rest of the labor with the new toys (I got manipulative things like little magnet boards and markers, paints. etc) It just diverted his attention from me and worrying about me r wanting me, although he was there for the pushing and when the baby was born.<br>
I hope this helps. An on-call person was the way to go for us, that way you can have it the way you want it, unless you need supprt for childcare. Good luck- it will ALL be fine- promise.....<br>
and to have a person there after the bay is born so your husband can stay with you and be close to the baby might be great...it was for us.
 

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Karen, can I just say I was so honored to be at your baby's birth? Yes, I would say Steve sounded a bit panicked when he called, but you are right -- another 20 minutes and you would not have needed me (I think Steve was in transition<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">)! So I second the idea about having someone available on-call if you feel at any time you need them -- I am sure it would help your peace of mind while you are waiting and thinking of every possible little thing (as you are up at 4:30 in the morning!). But I also agree with Karen (Karalina) that things will be how they should be. Prepare as much as you can, and then let go for the experience your body and baby present you with.<br><br>
Prayers and Blessings,<br>
Stacie
 

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I almost think after the birth is just as important if not more important to have someone on call, or there if you need them. Steve was with Skye the entire labor, some in the bedroom with me but mostly not, just coming in to check on me, and honestly, the only time I broke out of my trance like state was when Skye started crying that he wanted me and he didn't want the baby to come. But Steve occupied him and he soon was alright with it again. ( BTW< I am SO SO SO glad Skye was there to see it ALL and to watch the baby come out. We are all a closer family bc of it, and the baby didn't just magically appear. Skye knows exactly where the baby came from, and he understood why i needed to recover when he saw the blood, etc., and we measured how much activity I could do with him after the birth by how much I was bleeding so it felt imvolved in it all fropm beginning to end and now and it helped him understand why things were the way they were.)<br>
After the birth, when Skye was kind of over the excirement but Steve wasn't, (and Steve wanted to see the baby more and stay with me) Stacie (our on-call person who was called 20 minutes before the baby was born) really helped. Skye jumped right up into her arms and was all excited to talk to her about the baby and she played with him until he fell asleep, then she offered to run errands for the midwives. So it was just perfect for her to be there.<br>
When I look back on it all (the worrying and planning and the actual birth and right after) I just know it was most important that i had a homebirth and that the baby got here fine, and nothing else really matters too much now that i am on the other side of it. Again, it will all work out and be fine and the things you may be stressing on now, you won't even think about once that little baby is in your arms and your other children and your husband are gathered around.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I really like the idea of having someone on-call, kind of takes the stress out of it all for me. My husband can handle all of that while I take care of having a baby. I'm assuming my labor will be fast b/c that's how the first two were, but there are no guarantees. It could end up being much different and I need to plan for that. Also, to have someone there after the birth sounds wise. I talked with my midwife and she just stressed that it's a family thing, but young children can get bored and may need distraction for a while. Just talking about it here and getting all this great advice has helped SO much. Thank you all!!!
 

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I'm glad we helped!! Good luck and let us know how it goes and what you decided.. have a wonderful beautiful birth!!!!
 

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Sounds like us last year. I didn't have anyone here to be on call for my dd's (then 4 1/2 and 2 1/2) and I didn't want anyone else in my home. In my mw's info she had the same thing...have someone for your children. I just asked her about it one day at my appt. and told her what I was planning. She was totally ok with it. She said she thought I was preparing them very well and that they would handle it fine!<br><br>
It was great!! My oldest dd spent most of the day in with me and it's a memory I cherish!! She came in and colored on the bed while I leaned against it in the birth ball. She cleaned off the side of the pool (lol..she wiped off any wet spots w/ a wet washcloth..lol), brought me fresh water, brought me popsicles, etc. One time when I was laying on the bed, she brought me blankets and covered me up. My other dd occupied herself in the other room w/ the tv and toys. She took a nap during the afternoon also.<br><br>
When it came time for the birth, my 2 1/2yo got a little scared. I made more noise than I had w/ them. We had talked about the noises a Mommy makes when she's having a baby and we had watched videos. I think when it came right down to her actually hearing me, even tho I could talk inbetween and comfort her, she got scared. So, my oldest dd took her in the living room. We had to holler at them several times after I delivered...LOL I have no idea what they were doing but they occupied themselves very well!!<br><br>
My dh's job was to videotape the labor/birth. Since we had it set up on the tripod he was available for the dd's too. I'm not the type that needs dh right by my side during labor. As long as I know he's there, I'm fine. So for us, it worked out great!!<br><br>
I agree about having some new toys for them. Also some fun snacks..things you may not normally buy.<br><br>
As for #3 being fast...my first two were 5 and 3 hrs. The third was 8!!! lol<br><br>
Have a GREAT birth!!!!!!!
 
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