[sarenka]

dd goes to a tiny village school here in poland, there are 12 kids there. Last year she was in England, and during that year all her friends moved up to the big school (age 7). dd is about to turn 6.
So these kids know each other and don't know dd, and they don't like her. They pretend she pushed them on purpose or took things when she didn't. I believe her that she didn't, and so does the teacher - whose reaction is to say that the other kids will grow horns like the devil

dd still goes willingly in the morning but comes back with these awful stories, that some kid's parents will come and get her or somesuch s##t.
How to handle it?
she is different from them obviously in being half english and from a much richer family...

 

[AnnMarie]

That is so terrible. I'm so sorry she is going through that. Gosh, I don't know what I would do in that situation. Is homeschooling an option?

 

[Lucky Charm]

I hate this kind of crap. makes my blood boil.

she's little enough to switch schools (if that is an option), and like AnnMarie says, can you homeschool her? she is so little, and her feelings about school in general are being formed.....i would hate it if she identified learning with being picked on. how awful.

 

[sarenka]

thanks so much for the energy you sent me...

changing schools is kind of an option but difficult, involving a long journey in bad winter conditions, and to be honest i'm not so sure it would be different in a small town, she will still be culurally different kwim...
this school appeals as it's on the doorstep and so small, with each kid getting so much attention, it seemed perfect, kind of natural, to learn with the other kids in the village. And the year before last it worked well and she made friends. She still has the friend to play with in the afternoons, thank god
As for homeschooling, I don't really feel it, I feel that she does need to have some kind of contact with the culture she lives in - with us she learns a lot....and her mummy and daddy also need space to do many and various things. To be honest at the moment I think she associates learning with home rather than school - it's more playing than anything.
I don't know, why can't people just be nice to each other??!!

 

[lauren]

sarenka, is it the type of school you can go and talk to the teacher and/or headmistress about and ask for their help? My experience is that sometimes kids are mean just because someone is different, but if a grown up helps them find their commonalities, they get over it quick and move on to acceptance. I think the key is getting someone to help and not just leaving the kids to their own devices. Kids really can't handle these things by this age, and many grown ups think they can.

 

[lauraess]

I really feel for you as a mother and for dd as a little girl myself who was sensitive to the cruelties of the other kids.
My suggestion would be to tryto speak to some or all of the parents without the girls present and ask for some understanding to take place between they and their daughters. the next point is important and it is that girls apparently learn early just how to be cliquish and keep those that are different on the outside. they also learn how to bully in a way that has always been accepted as "normal" and " thats how girls are"
theres a good book, the only one of it's kind i think, called " odd girl out" maybe this would help you.
Laura

 

[sarenka]

Thanks, lauren and laura...
I am going to have a word with the teacher -there are only 13 kids in the entire school and one teacher! It's hard to find a moment away from the kids themselves but I am going to have a word tomorrow.
The problem is that while she is very sympathetic to dd and likes her very much, her idea of supporting her is to tell all the other kids that they are devils and be very good to dd...not a very sophisticated approach... maybe I have to suggest things to her? That makes me feel quite awkward..(of course i'm different too! Bringing my western ideas...)

:

 

[lauraess]

of school is it? almost sounds Waldorf in a way,sometimes teachers at Waldorf take a less involved approach, one that isnt saying "stop that, or this kind of talk is not allowed."-- I've often heard that the use of Karma working itself out is common. At my sons waldorf Kindergarten Discipline can be an issue at times. I believe the teachers jump in only when it goes too far- which is always a personal decision on their part as to when too far comes. I think there needs to be an open discussion and learning about ways in which bullying and such "normal " behaviors are regarded these days.
good luck

Laura

 

[Liz]

I think the most important thing to do is talk to your daughter and brainstorm with her. She knows the dynamics of the class. Maybe there is somebody she can ally with. And work on what she can say when they pick on her. She has to be an active participant in solving the problem. If she sees you coming to her rescue that says she can't do it herself and just reinforces her role as victim.

This is just based on what I've read and what I experienced as a child. My son isn't in school yet so I haven't encountered it yet.

Good luck!

Liz

PS There is a book I am racking ym brain for the title of. I'll post later if it comes to me.

 

[sarenka]

Thanks Liz, that's very good advice. I have to be patient - at the moment she keeps repeating endlessly particular events that happened, which she obviously needs to do, that's fine, but i don't get an overall picture.
There don't seem to be any allies. I'm worried by her teacher's behaviour for the reasons you mention - she comes in like a saviour to rescue dd and tells the others that they are all bad - reinforcing both dd's feelings of helplessness and the other kids' determination and feelings of injustice.
Unfortunately this is nothing like a Waldorf school, it's the village school in a deprived countryside area in Poland. I am more the type to stand back until the last minute, whereas the teacher here, in her well meaning way, has a tendency to call on the devil as an explanation

(Catholicism is very strong here).

Thank god dd has friends in the village (who go to the 'big' school)to play with after school, I think due to this what's going on at school hasn't got on top of her.

 

[sarenka]

Laura -thanks for the book recommendation.
Somehow I don't think I'll be going to the parents - I am pretty sure they would be defensive of their own kids and then talk to their kids in a way that makes it worse. It's really a kind of clan-like culture here, there isn't the feeling of adults getting together on behalf of the children, it's more my family against yours, good and bad, black and white...kwim? I might be doing someone a disservice here, but I think the best response would be that they would say 'don't worry about it, it's normal' and in the worst case scenario they might beat their kids or something.

I know, I know...
it was so great living here on our terms before dd was of school age...
and homeschooling is not even a possibility, I've realised, it's illegal...
please don't all tell me to move!