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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
having other family members kiss my children on the lips REALLY ticks me off!
my dh & myself feel that kissing is a very personal thing meant between parents and children, but when another family member does it to the kids -it bothers both of us.
how can i explain in a nice way (that won't hurt anyones feelings ) that this has to stop.
 

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Does it bother your dc? I guess I would go by what my child felt and not my feelings. Then again, they only kiss them if my dc asks first. They would never up and hug or kiss or touch any child without being asked or asking the child first.

Maybe make that the rule? Please, respect my child's personal boundaries and ask first or wait to be asked.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
i should have mentioned my ds is only 18months and i don't feel that he knows the difference between cheek and lips, in fact i know he doesn't because he is still learning to recognize all his body parts.
i agree , i don't what to deprive him of the bonding with those family members, thats why i haven't said anything to them....yet!
 

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This kind of a subject came up for me recently, and I find it really interesting.

I think a good deal of this intimacy stuff comes from your family culture. In my family, mothers kiss their own babies on the lips, and grandbabies. But I can't remember my dad kissing any of us on the lips, or any of his grandchildren.

This also is a personal comfort level. I remember once seeing my mom licking the ear lobe (a quick playful lick) of one of her grandchildren, my nephew, and it totally grossed me out because she wasn't his mom. Now as a mom, I've playfully chewed on and kissed my child's earlobe, but it seems like more of a parent-child level of intimacy to me, you know?

The issue came up for me with ds' birthfather and other paternal birth family members. They have a much higher degree of physical intimacy among family members.

The incident that had me really going crazy for a while was that ds' birthfather (who ds has never known as a parent) would kiss ds' neck. It made me uncomortable, even though it made ds laugh, which made ds' birthfather want to do it more. Now it might have been the things I know about his birthfather and things he (the birthfather) has done to ds' birthmother that made my skin crawl, but it's not like I wasn't standing right there. It was clearly a cultural thing, and my reaction had to do with a cultural and personal comfort level.

ds' paternal birthmother also likes to kiss ds' ears, repeatedly, in this one way that just seems intimate to me, which makes me uncomfortable as well. Necks and ears seem like intimate areas of the body for someone other than a parent to playfully kiss.

I gave this a lot of thought, and once I realized it was a cultural thing, it put it in perspective for me. I do think parents should generally follow their instincts with this sort of thing, but our situation is unique in that ds' birth families are culturally very different from our own as well as each others...and yet, I feel the need for ds to nurture his relationship with both of his birthfamilies...and the cultures from whence he came. Also, they are never unsupervised with ds, so I will always know if they seem too intimate with him.

So in the end, I decided what was most important is that ds is comfortable with the kissing. And I really modeled that respect for ds' boundaries in very direct ways. Like if ds was laughing and then started to get bored, I'd say to his birthfather, "he's done now." Or I'd ask ds if he wanted to be held by a birthfamily member, and if he didn't seem open to it, I'd say, "Not right now, I guess." And when they said goodbye to ds, if they picked him up and he started to cry, I'd say, "Oh, maybe you'd be most comfortable if mommy held you while you said goodbye." And stuff like that.

And I also try to avoid situations in which they are likely to kiss ds in ways I personally am not comfortable with for a non-parent to do to him, like on the neck to make him laugh. But if they do it, I just watch ds' reactions and respond accordingly.

Having said that, I can't say this is a completely resolved issue for me. And especially when it comes to them going to give ds a kiss but not stopping or slowing down enough to see if ds doesn't seem open to being kissed. This happens most often when they are saying goodbye to him. I don't want to hurt them, but my instinct is to jerk him back (I am usually holding him when this happens, as otherwise they wouldn't be able to catch him LOL) so they can't get the kiss. So I guess it's a tough balance, and that's where I am now, but I'm still processing this issue.
 

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I'm not comfortable with lip kissing a baby either. I thought I'd never do it--then I had my own DD, and something just makes me want to give her a peck from time to time. I can't explain it, but I wish I could. Her lips are just so beautiful, and my heart is just so moved by her very existance, that every once few months I just give her a peck. I still haven't decided that it's appropriate though-- and I think I will stop as she gets a little older. My husband still honors the way we felt before we had her, and does not kiss her on the lips for any reason. I do not expect and do not want anyone else in the family to kiss my daughter on the lips. I am at least clear about that. But some of this stuff is cultural. I live in a neighborhood with a lot of different ethnicities. Two different groups around her often say she's so cute they could bite her tushie or just eat her up. I didn't grow up around people talking about biting babies butts, so it really sounds weird. But I've had to accept it's just a saying or a thing they do because they think it's cute. They don't mean any harm. Still-- the thought of others kissing my DD on the lips bothers me to no end.

Faith
 

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We kiss DS on the lips all the time. My side of the family would and do kiss him on the cheek or head, except when he offers a lip kiss, which is often.

My MIL always kisses him on the lips. That grosses me out, but only because when she kisses me on the lips, it's a spitty kiss, even though it's totally closed mouth. I don't know HOW she manages to always give spitty kisses, but I despise them. Ick. So, I am sure she gives DS spitty kisses too. Actually, I know it, because he has kissed me immediately after she kissed him and he was wet.

We also talk about biting his butt....and have. Of course, we all run around nakey all the time, and he regularly ends up with his behind in my face, so it gets nibbled occasionally. He squeals with delight. I've seen other babies get butt nibbles too....so I'm not the only weirdo.
 

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We do the kissing on the lips, as well as nibbling on the bum. Both of my kids love to be naked, too. My kids give kisses easily to other family members...sometimes on the cheek, sometimes on the lips. It doesn't bother me. Now, when they are older, I feel they will naturally become cheek kissers, KWIM? DH's family is Italian American - very kissy & huggy. Who can resist a cute kiddo?
:
 

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I don't have a problem with it being my parents but when it's the ILs, it makes me gag for some reason. LOL I remember kissing my grandpa on the lips up until just before he died. He was always very special to me and I loved him in such a deep way and so it was natural. Now, my grandma would lick her lips before kissing so that stopped when I was REALLY young and she doesn't kiss my kids on the lips either.


Can you teach the kids to kiss on the cheek instead of trying to explain it to family? Your kids might accept it and do it to where family doesn't even really realize it has happened.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Past_VNE
......We also talk about biting his butt....and have. Of course, we all run around nakey all the time, and he regularly ends up with his behind in my face, so it gets nibbled occasionally. He squeals with delight. I've seen other babies get butt nibbles too....so I'm not the only weirdo.

I didn't mean to imply that it was weird. I totally get it, and I realize all of my neighbors who say this mean it in the most loving way. However, I just never heard people say these things before I moved her. I don't know if it's an East Coast thing. My two closest neighbors who say this are Greek and European Jewish. But strangers in Target are just as likely to say it around here. Another poster mentioned being Italian. We have a lot of Italians in this area, and they are a strong cultural force, so sometimes pharases and ideas spread around among everybody over time-- so who knows where this comes from. I'm from Ohio. When I was growing up, nobody kissed on the lips in public for any reason. Some families didn't even cheek kiss occasionally. People can go a lifetime without a hug or kiss from their dads. So how I came to kiss DD on the lips? Probably from seeing people do it with their babies on the East Coast.

Faith
 

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I dont kiss anyone on the lips, not even my own DH or my own DC.

I dunno..kissing a toddler/baby on the lips is just ick...THE DROOL!!! *gag* lol I have no problems injesting my own saliva, but the drool and saliva of others gives me the willies! Ew!

I show my affection other ways, nuzzling, raspberries, kissing on the cheek..but lips..no no no...ick...
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Sierra
This kind of a subject came up for me recently, and I find it really interesting.

I think a good deal of this intimacy stuff comes from your family culture. In my family, mothers kiss their own babies on the lips, and grandbabies. But I can't remember my dad kissing any of us on the lips, or any of his grandchildren.

So who here has a family in which the men kiss children on the lips?

I see men in our area kiss thier daughters on the lips, regardless of age.
I'd like to say it was okay for my DH to kiss his DD on the lips. But for us, I think lip kissing is still considered to sexual for that to happen. We didn't kiss anybody on the lips until we had first girlfriend/boyfriend relationships.
 

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I kiss my dad, stepdad and grandfather on the lips.

My dad and grandfather all sometimes kiss my son on the lips. My stepdad accepts DS's lip kisses, but otherwise kisses him on the cheek.
 

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We all kiss on the lips in both my and my DH's families, so it's not a big deal to me at all. I still kiss my mom on the lips as a way to say hello, as well as all my aunties, uncles, cousins, etc., and they all kiss DS on the lips -- in fact, my DS (21 months) expects lip kisses when he's saying goodnight to anyone, even our friends who sometimes happen to be over at his bedtime! He'll walk around with his little lips puckered until everyone present gives him a kiss.


But I know everyone has their own comfort level about it, and if you grew up in a family that didn't kiss, it might seem to intimate to do outside of spousal or parent/child relationships. I don't even think about it -- it's like an extension of the word "hi" for my family and it's understood all around that nothing weird is implied by it.
 

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My family -- growing up we were cheek kissers. My aunt and uncle's family were lip kissers, which made me, as a child, uncomfortable -- I remember dreading all the "hello" and "goodbye" kisses. Eventually I just dodged and went for the cheek.

DH's family -- grew up lip kissers, it seems.

We kiss DD23mos on the lips. It's sweet and she loves doing it. In fact, she'll kiss anybody that will accept a kiss from her. I've never been skeeved out by it.

As time goes by, I assume it will change, and she'll begin to reserve lip kisses for special folks.

I'm not worried about it.
 

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My dh used to kiss the kids on the lips until he started getting cold sores. Now he only kisses them on the top of their heads. My mother is the only other person that we're comfortable with doing this. It's not about what's proper though. For us it's about spreading germs. Lots of people in dh's family have cold sores and other issues, and continue to spread these things around to the other grandkids too
 

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My mom and her family kiss everybody on the lips. If I go in for a hug and they kiss me. I've disliked that since about 6 years old, and have to be quicker and aim for their cheek. It seems like a husband/wife thing to me. And mom/baby. I love kissing my 4 month old - lips, cheek, forehead, chin, nose, hands, everywhere. I think unconsiously it has something to do with picking up his germs so I can make him antibodies in milk, that explains the moms only thing.
 

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Quote:
So who here has a family in which the men kiss children on the lips?
I do. I still kiss my dad and other family members on the lips. It is totally NOT a sexual thing for us. DH still kisses HIS dad on the lips too.

I have absolutely NO problem with family or even friends kissing DD on the lips, provided she is OK with it. It is just a normal sign of affection in my family.

For me, a kiss becomes sexual when the mouth is opened - french kiss etc.
 

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The only time that kissing on the lips has bothered me is when its a smoker. One of my in-laws smokes heavy and when he comes in from having a smoke, and he starts gabbing with me, the smell makes me feel ill...it smells like a wet ashtray. So when I see him kissing my baby on the mouth, I get really upset
:
 
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