Mothering Forum banner

1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,091 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I swear, where do people get this sense of entitlement, thinking that they are automatically welcome to someone's birth or immediately after? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: After a RIDICULOUS phone conversation between DH and his sister yesterday, DH and I decided we need to make a list of rules NOW and email it to our families. Help me make my rules list, please... (Can you believe the nerve of his family, thinking that we would/should call them the MINUTE I go into labor so they can all come sit on my livingroom couch? WTH?! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hammer.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hammer"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hopmad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hopping mad"> )<br><br>
RULES<br><br>
1. I reserve the right to walk around my house fully nude at any point during labor. Therefore, unless we have SPECIFICALLY ASKED you to attend the birth, you are not welcome.<br><br>
2. After the birth, we will not have any visitors without appointment. Call us and leave a message.<br><br>
3. We will have our ringer turned OFF for at least a week following the birth. Leave a message. If you do not leave a message, we will assume you do not want us to call you back.<br><br>
4. No more than 2 visitors at a time.<br><br>
5. No children (other than siblings) under the age of 14 for the first 6 weeks at least.<br><br>
6. NO sick visitors. If you have so much as a sniffle, you will be turned away at the door.<br><br>
7. ALL visitors MUST wash hands thoroughly with soap and water before holding baby.<br><br>
8. I reserve the right to take my baby and go to bed at any point. If it cuts your visit short, then you'll just have to reschedule your visit for another time.<br><br>
Anything else? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,428 Posts
Whatever floats your boat. You might want to be careful how you present it unless you want to piss some people off. For me, I wanted NOBODY at my birth but my husband and me. So I was vague when people said they wanted to be there. I love visitors postpartum, but that's just me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
good rules! I don't think I would have the guts to be quite as straightforward myself but good for you! I have something you might want to add, although it's not a rule, per se. Maybe you could also add a list of requests, such as things to bring. I, myself, was thinking about requesting that any visitors bring a small pack of bottled water or something, since that's something I'll really be needing for bfing - to always have H20 handy to keep hydrated. I've also heard of people saying "no entry without food!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,907 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>SublimeBirthGirl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7908122"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You might want to be careful how you present it unless you want to piss some people off.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nod.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nod">.<br><br>
It sounds a little harsh to me. I can understand if you have really pushy family members who just don't take No for an answer, but "you are not welcome" is being unnecessarily mean, imo.<br><br>
Here's how I'd rephrase it:<br><br>
1. We appreciate your interest in our birth, but we do not want any visitors at our birth.<br><br>
2. If you would like to visit us after the birth, please call to set up a time. We do not want any unscheduled visits.<br><br>
3. We plan to turn the ringers off on our phones following the birth. If you would like us to call you back when we get a chance, please leave a message. Otherwise, we will be too busy with our new family.<br><br>
4. We will limit visitors to 2 people at a time.<br><br>
5. No children under the age of 14 (except siblings) until our baby is 6w old.<br><br>
6. Please do not visit if you are experiencing any illness, including a cough or cold. We do not want our new baby to get sick and we're sure you don't either.<br><br>
7. You will be met at the door with soap. Please use it before touching the baby.<br><br>
8. As our baby will not come with a schedule, we may need to lay down and rest during your visit. If that happens, we will reschedule your visit.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,091 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> No worries -- I plan on being nicer in the actual email. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
And thanks for the suggestions!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,150 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Mama K</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7908496"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> No worries -- I plan on being nicer in the actual email. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
And thanks for the suggestions!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I liked your first version. It sounded like me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> I feel the more you beat around the bush the more room for misunderstanding.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,042 Posts
I informed everyone that they were NOT welcome to attend the birth. My mom was welcome on the grounds that she had to watch my kids. If anyone had shown up while I was laboring at home (planned UC), we wouldn't answer the door. After I transferred, I told the hospital staff that the only people allowed in while I was in labor were DH, my mother, and my father. During pushing, I had a nurse standing outside the room to make sure none of my family members walked in (DH was already in there, of course).<br><br>
DH's brother and his family showed up at the hospital that evening and I made them leave after about 10 minutes because they were getting on my nerves. My family respected my wishes to not come to the hospital.<br><br>
Be rude if you have to. You don't want people screwing up your birth or initial bonding.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,282 Posts
I agree with the poster who suggested that mailing your list might piss people off. What we've always done is have complete understanding between my husband and myself regarding what we wanted to happen. Then we just made it happen.<br><br>
- We didn't tell people I was in labor unless we WANTED that person present at the birth (my mom only).<br><br>
- After the birth, we only called people we wanted to know right then. We let them know when we hoped to see them...e.g., "will we see you today?" or "we look forward to introducing you to him NEXT WEEK" or "we'll see you on the 8th then, enjoy your trip!" Anybody who insists can be politely told that no, this is not a good time, we'll let you know when it's a good time. Buh-bye.<br><br>
- We screened phone calls. No need to tell people we do it, it's just as effective, if not more so, if we don't tell people. Later if somebody says "I called and called" you can say "oh, yes, we couldn't make it to the phone" or "we were out of the house" or "goodness, did you leave voice mail? it's been so busy here that we haven't had time to check!"<br><br>
- If somebody is sick, we say something like "oh, that's too bad, it would have been nice to get to see you. Let us know when you're feeling better!" Instead of banning them we imply that of COURSE they wouldn't want to infect the baby, how KIND of them to think of it!<br><br>
- Regarding hand-washing: "would you like to hold her? Ok, I'll just change her diaper while you're washing up...there's a soap pump and clean towel by the kitchen sink." You can also get somebody to help recruit people to wash hands - like if you have somebody staying with you to help, that person can say "let's go wash up so we can hold the baby".<br><br>
- If I need my baby back, I say "he and I are taking a nap now" or "he needs his mommy now" or "he's asking to nurse" and take him. No argument. I don't feel the need to lay this groundwork first, anybody who is stupid enough to argue with me when I ask for my baby can bite me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br><br><br>
Anyway, I guess my bottom line is that it's not really necessary to inform/instruct people ahead of time, and probably not productive to phrase it in a confrontational way. Most of those battles can be handled with a game plan between you and your SO and a sort of cheery "ignorance" that anybody would do anything differently.<br><br>
Treat them like 2-year-olds. Lecturing isn't terribly effective with toddlers, but distraction, redirection, etc work wonderfully.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,388 Posts
I totally hear you on this one. I invited my mother to come when the twins were born, and the next time I talked to her all of a sudden my stepdad, my brother, and my in-laws were coming. I told her no. Just flat-out no. And she got all up in arms about how disappointed they would all be and how much they were looking forward to it and how I was going to cause so much trouble saying no. Funny thing is, when I called all those folks directly and explained, THEY were all perfectly agreeable and said they only were coming because my mother had told them I WANTED them there so much. I set a few boundaries and they all came in the few days afterward by MY rules and it was fine. But I think my mom is still POed.<br><br>
I didn't set any rules postpartum except that if I needed to nurse and the babies were fussy about it (they were low-birthweight and had suck problems) everybody was uninvited. Period. And once we were home, I reserved the right to go upstairs and sequester myself and the babes whenever I felt it was necessary. And I made DH enforce the boundaries, because I had enough to deal with at that time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,443 Posts
Mama K, you might want to include something along the lines of "I reserve the right to breastfeed anywhere in my home" so they can't act all shocked and offended when you nurse the baby right there on the couch.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
213 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lyttlewon</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7908579"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I liked your first version. It sounded like me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> I feel the more you beat around the bush the more room for misunderstanding.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Me too. The first way is the way I would have worded it so that people knew i was serious. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> i can't see how anyone would get pissed off considering the scenario, but if they did, I'd be like: deal.<br><br>
I did say when my family was coming to visit (esp my conservative ******* dad and brothers): "Just to warn you, I'll be pulling out my boob whereever and whenever I feel i need to!"<br><br>
It was very effective. I think the first time, my dad had a bit of discomfort, but then after that he was fine with it, same with my little brother. Now I am sure i broke through some sort of social-paranoia-breastfeeding barrier with them, so score one for the lactivists!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,188 Posts
I think those are great groundrules.<br><br>
You know your relatives and your relationships best. For my group of people, a blanket e-mail would NOT be good for our relationship. What would be better for my group would be individual e-mails and not in list format. I'd write personalized paragraphs to each of them and tailor the rules. What would be even better for my group is visiting or calling them to discuss.<br><br>
I know when other peopel do things, we get mad and scared. And, K, I know when you decide to talk to them about this, you'll come from a place of loving. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,530 Posts
The rule I really want to enforce is that no one is allowed to wear perfume when they come visit. It was just awful when I got my baby back reeking like someone else's perfume. Made me want to bathe him and rub my smell back all over him. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Smell is really important to postpartum bonding!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,981 Posts
Oh heck, I would have worded it the same way. But that is my personality, it is what my family is used to from me. Anything less than blunt, direct and straightforward would leave too much room for interpretation.<br><br>
I had to tell my MIL almost brutally that she was not invited to my birth, and if it hurt her feelings, then she would have to deal with it, that it wasn't my responsibilty to take on her emotional issues. She kept going on and on about how she just WANTED to be there, to help. This was even after telling her we didn't need help with the other kids, that we had things worked out.<br><br>
Our time after the birth is very important to us as well. No one is entitled to come and visit. When I feel like sitting around and chatting, I will call. Oh, and when people have asked if we "need" anything, we always tell them "Food would be great!", and leave it up to them as to what to bring. Sometimes it is groceries, sometimes a frozen meal for later, sometimes dinner for that night and they stay and eat with us. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,282 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>QueenOfThePride</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7912857"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">The rule I really want to enforce is that no one is allowed to wear perfume when they come visit. It was just awful when I got my baby back reeking like someone else's perfume. Made me want to bathe him and rub my smell back all over him. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Smell is really important to postpartum bonding!</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Yeah, that's one thing I probably would say something about beforehand! Most of the people close enough to us to visit when we have a newborn don't wear perfume, but MIL does and FIL often wears stinky sunscreen. DH is good about reminding them to skip their scented stuff. FIL once lathered up in sunscreen and then it broke out DS1's skin, so they take us more seriously on that now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,745 Posts
Ugh, I third the no perfume. It chokes me.<br><br>
What about a rule regarding pictures? Like no flash, or a three pic max or none at all, you'll give them copies of your own?<br><br>
Here's a rule I like: mother the mother.<br><br>
I'm composing my own right now...trying to figure out the best way to distribute them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,745 Posts
What about "no flowers" ??<br><br>
I know they look nice, but they can be real downers when you consider how much damage they could do to little lungs b/c of all the pesticides most flowers have on them...just a thought. Besides, it's one more thing to take care of and get to the compost or trash in a week.
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Top