[swampangel]

I wasn't sure what to call this thread and I'm not really sure how to describe the behavior that concerns me.

My ds is nearly 4 1/2 and he's always been very phsyical and touchy. For the past several months, it has become a behavior that is a bit troublesome.

He has had trouble with hitting but now it's more pushing, getting to close, moving too quickly right next to people, etc. For me and my dh, it's more annoying than anything else, but with his little brother and his peers sometimes people get hurt and basically they don't like it.

We've tried talking to him about it, giving him suggestions at the moment of other things to do, explaining why people aren't comfortable with him being so close, etc. So far, this has made very little impact on this.

Any ideas?

 

[chfriend]

A couple things: in case it's sensory seeking, The Out of Sync Child might be a good read.

The other suggestion is to talk about how people have a bubble of space around them. Some people's bubbles are bigger than others. When he's too close, you could say, "I think that person needs you to move outside his/her bubble."

 

[The4OfUs]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chfriend The other suggestion is to talk about how people have a bubble of space around them. Some people's bubbles are bigger than others. When he's too close, you could say, "I think that person needs you to move outside his/her bubble."

Oooh, I love this - I'm goign to try it with our 3-yo - we've been trying to get him to stop crowding his little sister, but haven't hit an explanation that he understands yet - I think he just might "get" the bubble concept. Thanks!

 

[MaT]

I could have written almost the same thing for our dd who is four years old.

Her problematic pushiness and crowding are really annoying and only happens when she is in one of her animal characters. And I must admit, she is true to form, when she is a cat or dog and walks in between people or sits ontop of of someone. I try to be understanding while speaking to the animal that he/she will need to get down, etc. ... but mostly I just get annoyed because I feel she should know better.

Although lately she has been showing real signs of respect. She will ask to nurse when we are in the bath and then instead of just grabbing and latching like she used to, she will say, "I'll wait untill your ready because I know they are your breasts." I was so taken aback and thrilled she had shown so much respect! And she was pretty thrilled that I was thrilled too, so now she says it all the time. This kind of thing has been happening in other areas of her relating to others too but never when she is in an animal character.

I can't say that I have any advice but just wanted to say that I understand and that they do change.

Tricia

 

[swampangel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chfriend A couple things: in case it's sensory seeking, The Out of Sync Child might be a good read. The other suggestion is to talk about how people have a bubble of space around them. Some people's bubbles are bigger than others. When he's too close, you could say, "I think that person needs you to move outside his/her bubble."

Thank you! We have talked about the bubbles but I will try it again. I feel like when I talk with him about it, he goes into tune-out mode. Then I feel badly for what feels like constant nagging about the whole thing. Ugh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaT I could have written almost the same thing for our dd who is four years old. Her problematic pushiness and crowding are really annoying and only happens when she is in one of her animal characters. And I must admit, she is true to form, when she is a cat or dog and walks in between people or sits ontop of of someone. I try to be understanding while speaking to the animal that he/she will need to get down, etc. ... but mostly I just get annoyed because I feel she should know better. Although lately she has been showing real signs of respect. She will ask to nurse when we are in the bath and then instead of just grabbing and latching like she used to, she will say, "I'll wait untill your ready because I know they are your breasts." I was so taken aback and thrilled she had shown so much respect! And she was pretty thrilled that I was thrilled too, so now she says it all the time. This kind of thing has been happening in other areas of her relating to others too but never when she is in an animal character. I can't say that I have any advice but just wanted to say that I understand and that they do change. Tricia

It helps so much to know that it will pass! He's really wonderful and seems to do this most to get attention and when he gets too excited. My dh and I realize that nagging him is not good at all and we both want to stop that.

Today, my goal is to only be positive about this behavior...no nagging! I just look at his face while he tunes out and think 'poor baby'...it sucks. I just get so annoyed.

Thank you so much for the encouragement. We'll see how we do with bubbles and positivity today!

 

[Mihelinka]

My ds has a closeness issue when he's on his bike of all things, drives me crazy & is annoying the other parents int eh neighborhood. I'm going to try the bubble idea, great suggestions.

 

[mamaduck]

The bubble idea is really a good one! We had issues like these with our older son, and found that he needed very specific direction. It was not enough to say, "Give your grandma some space." He didn't "get" what "space" meant. He needed to hear, "Grandma needs 10 inches. Keep 10 inches between you and Grandma."

He doesn't do this anymore, btw. He got substantially better when he was about 8 years old. But just as a head's up -- he still has a great deal of trouble with other types of social cues - understanding when he is pushing someone too far emotionally, for example. Now that he is thinking more abstractly, he has a very dry, very whitty sense of humor. He often cuts people to the quick, and then cannot understand what the problem is.

He's a REALLY smart kid, very analytical and academic. I think it relates.

Also -- sensory issues -- water play, water sports, sand play -- every single day, helps immensely.

And - helping him to know what he can be doing in social situations. I used to basically sit and feed him direction, quietly. He needed to be busy, and to understand what his role was in a given situation. Figity toys helped, but when company was around, for example, it was even better to give him the role of serving snacks or drinks to everyone, having him clear away trash and take dishes to the sink. With siblings -- he needed to know how to help them, how to care for them, how to be effective with them -- by having very precise directions given. And he HAS assumed the task of monitoring himself. I no longer have to feed him directions or make up tasks -- he can figure them out himself.

 

[swampangel]

My ds sometimes wants to "bump" on bikes like race cars (Lightening McQueen obsession going on!). It is annoying, I can relate!

Today has been great and I thought I'd share how we did the bubble thing. I started off by saying to my ds that sometimes I get in his bubble when he doesn't want me to...like when I want to hug but he doesn't (I stretched this, of course, because I would never force him to hug me!) or when I want to be silly and close and he doesn't. I suggested that we have a game and we can call out "remember my bubble!" if I get too close to his or he gets too close to mine or his brother's. He really liked it and it changed the tone of the issue which has helped today.

It also got ds talking about what kind of touch his little brother likes...quick hugs rather than long, drawn out "hugs" (rather tackles, from my point of view!). So this seemed to really resonate for him....and I like that it's a game rather than nagging or punishment.

I wonder if making a game out of it while you're ds is on his bike might work. Like see if he can drive so carefully that he doesn't get within an arm's length of anyone else. Maybe he can wrack of driving points or something for his careful bike riding.

Thanks for everyone's suggestions!!