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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay, this phrase just bugs the %#$$ out of me. I keep reading threads about how horrified people would be to "<i>leave their child with strangers</i>."<br><br>
For how long, exactly, is your daycare provider a stranger? 1 week, one month, 5 years?The "strangers" at my DDs daycare are the very same "strangers" who were taking care of my DS 7 years ago when he first started there. And they have been to my home, and they also babysit for DH and I.<br><br>
And my kids LOVE those "strangers."<br><br>
Sorry, just needed to vent.
 

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My MIL is pretty strange but when she comes for visits I leave DS with her anyway.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lurk.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lurk">:
 

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That phrase bugs me as well. It is very dismissive. As if you walked up to the first person you saw standing on a corner and said "Here. Watch my child."
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>aprilushka</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My MIL is pretty strange but when she comes for visits I leave DS with her anyway.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lurk.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lurk">:</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Thank you! I feel better already!!
 

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Don't have stats in front of me, but I'd venture that a lot more child abuse occurs at home under the care of a family member or trusted 'friend' of the family than does at licensed daycare settings.
 

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And, ya know, how the heck could it hurt a kid to have more people in her life to love her!
 

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I see where your coming from. However, I have seen and experienced the other end of that statement... I filled in for a friend of mine who watches a boy in the afternoons several times a week. She couldn't do it, so she asked if I would. To my suprise I met the mom once, and she didn't ask me any questions except where I lived and phone numbers!! So IMHO she DID leave her son with a complete stranger, me, as I had never met her nor the boy before that point...<br><br>
Ditto to the statement about family members being just as, if not more, of a threat to a child's safety than a stranger...<br><br>
Overall the phrase you mentioned is likely overused, and doesn't take into account the parents who do have good relationships with and KNOW their child's day care provider. But even so, if you had never met or known the daycare provider before you took your child there then technically they were strangers... I think the initial impact of the unknown (depending on the age/temperment of the child) can be considered negative... depending on how the transition is handled.
 

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cmd - I hear ya. I've been on the receiving end of that one too. And yeah, how long is a caring person a stranger anyway? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: It's not like I strolled up to some random house and deposited my child. I think I speak for the majority of working parents, that when I chose my care provider - there was a lot of leg work involved. Interviewing, meeting, background checks, certification, slowly easing into a care schedule, etc. It's more complicated than some people make it out to be! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">My MIL is pretty strange but when she comes for visits I leave DS with her anyway.</td>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I love that - absolutely love it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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My definition of a stranger is anyone that I do not know personally and have no personal knowledge of. Example my dd's pre k teacher is still a stranger to me. DD is old enough now to let me know tho if she does anything to hurt her. But to leave a infant or toddler who cannot speak up if something is wrong scares the crap outta me and is not something I could do. For someone not to be a stranger I would have to get to know them personally and get an impression of the type of person they are.<br><br>
To the op if you have known these care givers that long then they are no longer strangers.
 

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I get this all the time from my sister-in-law who is a sahm. My MIL keeps my child so I can work and provide for her. But of according to my sil I am not as good of a mother as her because I am not with my child all day and am just "leaving her for someone else to raise".
 

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"A stranger is just a friend I haven't met yet.” Will Rogers<br><br>
My husband points out that my MIL (who is probably the sweetest woman who ever lived and a great mom) was a stranger to me once. And our au pair, who we now consider a member of our family, was once a stranger.<br><br>
It is a red herring argument - basically presumes that always the best person to take care of a child for every single minute is the child's mother or other family member. I hope we can be a little more open minded than this blanket assuption.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Shana T</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I get this all the time from my sister-in-law who is a sahm. My MIL keeps my child so I can work and provide for her. But of according to my sil I am not as good of a mother as her because I am not with my child all day and am just "leaving her for someone else to raise".</div>
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The response on the tip of my tongue is, "And you're doing such a great job teaching your kids tolerance and respect for others' differences."
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>blessed</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Don't have stats in front of me, but I'd venture that a lot more child abuse occurs at home under the care of a family member or trusted 'friend' of the family than does at licensed daycare settings.</div>
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That, unfortunately, is the truth with most crimes against children: physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. I think about 90 percent of the time a child rape victim knows their rapist well: a family member, close friend of the family, clergy, coach, teacher, etc. I'm not sure if those stats refer to victimizations reported to the police, self-reportings that could be years after the fact, or reporting to sexual assault hotlines and advocacy groups.
 

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I always think of it in the "It takes a village" mentality. Each person is contributing a specialized skill in our global village. DH and I are specializing in what we do for work and our day care providers are specializing in what they do. We aren't strangers, but part of an interconnected community. This isn't so different from what women have been doing for thousands of years by sharing the work.<br><br>
I actually wrote an essay/rant about that very thing. It's at the bottom, called Who Raised Me?<br><a href="http://ellienchadway.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">http://ellienchadway.blogspot.com/</a>
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Shana T</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I get this all the time from my sister-in-law who is a sahm. My MIL keeps my child so I can work and provide for her. But of according to my sil I am not as good of a mother as her because I am not with my child all day and am just "leaving her for someone else to raise".</div>
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Man, how do you keep from hitting her with a blunt object? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Almamiel</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">And, ya know, how the heck could it hurt a kid to have more people in her life to love her!</div>
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I totally agree with this. In fact, its what I often counsel other mums who are getting freaked out about returning to work. There will be MORE love in your child's life, not less.
 

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Never liked that phrase either. How ridiculous! I always make it a point to know who is with my son during the day. I have an excellent relationship with the director of the center and she knows that I like to know who is taking care of the love of my life! I always find out who and WHY - makes me feel better. Besides, there are enough caregivers and kids that my son knows and adores at his dc that I feel confident he's fine. I think it's wonderful that he has met so many people in his short life that he loves and feels comfortable with!!
 

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Just to add a different twist on this: we first met our daughter when she was 5 1/2 months old, and we were certainly strangers to her at first.<br><br>
And I think it's a positive thing that I've chosen to involve other wonderful, caring adults in the upbringing of my child. It feels arrogant to me to think that I alone can provide everything she needs.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kewb</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">That phrase bugs me as well. It is very dismissive. As if you walked up to the first person you saw standing on a corner and said "Here. Watch my child."</div>
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Actually when I did daycare people did this al the time. It as bizzar because while i have no problem dropping my kid in the church nursery or leaving them with someone I have gotten to know (not intamately but not a total stranger) I would never ever just elave my kid with a random person. and I was unregistered, had no other person, these were babies and toddlers and we lived in a rough neighborhood in a crappy little slummy house. If you didn't know me there wasn't much to recommend me. It was very disturbing. I have also had people do it when I was a girl scout leader. I doubt most people here give so little consideration to thier daycare provider or who they leave thier kids with. even if you do leave your child at a center where you don't know the people at least a center has people checking people out, doing training and back ground checks etc. It is totally different than leaving them alone with someone. But seriuosly. I met one person at the grocery store because our kids were chasing each othe through the isles. we chatted for a mninute or two, somehow we ended up talking abotu part time daycare (which almost no one does but I did) and the very next day she was dropping her 2 yo off. no recomendations, no meet and greet or anything. another person pulled up and said they saw I did daycare (because of the crowd of 2 year olds in my yard) and asked if i took drop ins. came back to pick up her kid 4 hours later. being older and wiser I would not be so quick to welcome a stranger into my home again. I was really putting myself at risk by doing that.<br><br>
But yeah there apparently are a lot of people who do drop off thier kids with total strangers. Its crazy. I still come across it now with homeschool stuff. when we do girl scouts or a co-op people I do not know will just drop thier kids off no questions asked. It totally floors me. As the person in charge it makes me very nervous. I don't know if they are assuming I have had background checks or some sort of approval or what.<br><br><b>however</b> , most of clients would first find out about me by recomendation, then get references, have 1-3 meet and greet playdates, several phone calls, etc before leaving thier children with me. by the time they placed thier baby in my arms we may not have been intamate friends but we were not at all strangers. and those are the people, who 10 years later, I am still good friends with. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
So anyway, my point is, that assumption isn't completely out of left field. It would be irritating if people were accusing you of that. and that is not fair. but it does happen and suprisingly frequently. people drop thier kids where ever they can get them in without any regard to who they are leaving with them. Kinda like "well if 5 other people trust them i guess I can too." It is just weird and I wish it didn't ever happen but it happens at a surprising rate around here.<br><br>
I am pretty careful about who I leave my kids with. I won't leave them with strangers and even if my kids were in school I would be the irritating parent who went and took up an hour or two of the teachers time getting ot know her befor I would leave my child there. and when i get a babysiotter I might not know her well but i always get sitters by recommendation and do spend about an hour getting ot know them before leaving the kids with them. I do care who I am leaving my children with and wouldn't just dump them with a stranger but I don't think you need to be intamate friends with someone to trust them with your child for a while. especially if they are part of a group that does back ground checks and training.<br><br>
it doesn['t sound like a lot but really hopw well do you ever really know someone? i mean .. . even your dh really . . .
 

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*Sigh* I refuse to get into it with "those" people anymore. After 2 1/4 years of being in daycare, my son has somehow managed to be a bright, loving, wonderful boy. Those "strangers" are people he loves & trusts, as do his father & I. They are helping us to raise him. They are doing a great job. No, it's not easy to "leave your kid to be raised by strangers," but that's our life.<br><br>
DH has been sick & off work this week. He went to the doctor's yesterday & took the boy. DH said the doctor & his med student wouldn't stop going on and on about DS's extensive vocabulary. I'm not the slightest bit ashamed to admit anymore that I don't think my son would be so advanced if he was home with me all day. I'd love to be home with him, but my son is JUST like his father - he needs and craves the company of others. They literally go stir-crazy when they're not in a crowd. Me - I'm a homebody who prefers to be home. My son would go insane home with me all day. LOL! It DOES take a village. It really does....
 
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