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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have decided to adopt from Guatemala and have gotten conflicting advice on how to approach my queerness. One set of lesbian friends who adopted a couple years ago said they were out to their agency with no troubles. A gay adoption professional I approached told me that I would have to sign something saying I was not gay and that I should "minimize" my orientation. None of that would have been too much of a problem given that I have been single for awhile. But recently a mate/co-parent/soul-mate has come into the picture and I am unsure how to handle it. Do I proceed in a "don't ask don't tell" way with my agency, do I ask them upfront about their policy - I don't want to jeopardize my chances - the new sweetie doesn't live with me (yet) and the aforementioned adoption professional advised us not to move in together - but a year seems like a long time from now and a weird way to develop our family. Whew.
 

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We were considering adopting from Guatemala too, but decided not to, partially because of the gay issue (we didn't want to lie or feel anxious about not lying), partially because of the money issue, and partially because we decided to foster/adopt locally instead.<br><br>
Queerness aside, I think that it's great that you've recently met someone who you think could be your life partner. I don't know how long you've been together, but since you said "recently," I'm assuming it hasn't been very long. I think you should decide to either adopt as a single person, and not have your sweetie move in with you, or you should move in together and wait a while and then see if you both want to adopt from Guatemala (or wherever).<br><br>
I agree that deciding to wait for her to move in with you until the baby comes home would be weird, but it would also be less than ideal to add a baby to a relatively new relationship.<br><br>
I have a friend who was in a similar situation, sort-of. She's straight, and was in the process of adopting from China as a single woman when she became involved with a man. They'd been together about 10 months when she got her referral. After her baby came home (about two months later), her bf was initially really excited and involved, but within a couple of months he had decided that parenting was not for him. He felt the baby took too much attention from my friend (well, duh!). Anyway, they broke up and my friend got really depressed, and it was a really sad way for my friend to begin her relationship with her daughter.<br><br>
Certainly babies are added to new relationships accidentally all the time and things work out great, but since this is a choice you're making, I would chose to either go ahead as a SINGLE mom (and live as a single mom), or to wait awhile, move in together, see if you really want to commit to each other and babies and all that, and then maybe start the adoption process together after a year or so of living together.<br><br>
Lex
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks Lex for your thoughts - many that I hadn't considered. I have been so hell-bent on mothering for so long (I've been trying to inseminate for the last ~1year) that it is difficult to think about waiting at all (that and my hopefully-soon-to-be partner is 46 and feels the age/mothering issue - and I ain't no spring chicken!). But you raise some very good points, and seeing as how you've seen the process in action, it does give me pause. Still, I think I am very ready to go ahead as a single mother and maybe will just try to make sure she is as involved in the process as possible - I actually feel OK with her opting out of life with me if the baby thing doesn't work for her, although I feel strongly that it will for some reason (I had already made my decision to be an unpartnered mother for the rest of my life when she fell in my lap), I don't think it would unduly depress me given my philosophies and overwhelming independent spirit - but we do get attached and I'm sure I will be needier in those first months/years than I have ever been in my life.<br><br>
Do you have any logistical advice about which agencies would "don't ask, don't tell" or some even more open scenario? (Even when I'm single I'm still homosexual so I've found <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Guatemala does not allow adoption to gay and lesbian persons. Agencies either 1) work with you to lie<br>
2) don't ask/don't tell so they feel like they "don't know" (although they know)<br>
3) or they uphold it and don't accept you into the program.<br><br>
I guess you have to decide if you are comfortable saying on forms and in the proceedings that you are not gay and have not practiced a homosexual lifestyle.
 

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Here is the info:<br><br>
In December 2002, a new requirement for single persons applying to adopt from Guatemala closed yet another door to international adoption by gays and lesbians.<br>
The adoptive single parent must submit documentation that they are "not homosexual and are of high moral character." The applicant's signature must be notarized, certified by the Secretary of State, and legalized by the Guatemalan Consulate.<br><br>
From the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse:<br>
"Although it is completely legal to omit information regarding homosexuality, it is illegal to lie about it when confronted directly. Let it be clear that failing to tell the truth is considered fraud and raises the opportunity for either an adoption not being finalized or a possible disruption." Source: Gay and Lesbian Adoptive Parents: Resources for Professionals and Parents
 

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I PM'd you with a response to your questions about adopting from Guatemala. I am happy to share more detailed information on a one to one basis, but I would prefer that it not be shared back to the public board then! I will say that official policy and actual practice differ, so don't be discouraged.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you Kincaid and DianeB, Very valuable information, most of which I already knew on some level. I didn't know exactly how involved the "omission of information" - might be so thanks for that Kincaid. It seemed easier to me as a single person, but now that I have a lover, it is tougher and I sure wouldn't pass a polygraph. Dilemmas dilemmas in this less than ideal world. Maybe I'm pregnant!<br><br>
Mamabe
 
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