[MujerMamaMismo]

We found out a couple of days ago that our little Squeak is a boy. After some initial disappointment, we are now really excited and completely psyched for the challenge of raising an evolved, emotionally intelligent, feminist man.

:

What we're not dealing so well with is the little comments about male role models that family members keep making. It's driving me nuts and I've found myself in some serious arguments that I'd rather not be in. Frankly, I'm a little shocked and surprised by how conservative my family are being.

I have some really firm ideas about a good diversity of role models being more important that the sex of role models. In our case, there will be a great diversity of role models in Squeaks life and a nice smattering of them are men, queer and straight, but they certainly aren't in our lives because of their sex or their sporting/woodwork/car mechanic abilities...

How do you all deal with such concerns?

 

[MusicianDad]

Sort of in the opposite position you are, being two men with a dd. Everytime it comes up though, we just tell people "We DO have female friends you know."

Any of these family members guys? Cause that would be a great time for "So... you have no intention of being a part of his life then?"

 

[Beccalina]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MusicianDad Any of these family members guys? Cause that would be a great time for "So... you have no intention of being a part of his life then?"

I agree!

We have a 9 year old and while his father does play a role, we STILL get people who talk crap to us (mostly family) like, "now that he is getting older do you think he will resent you for not trusting men enough to have a relationship with one"?

I just ignore it. I know they are using this as a way to let us know that they don't agree with our lifestyle. It's sad that people can be so ignorant.

Congratulations on your little man! He will bring you lots of joy...trust me!

 

[starling&diesel]

Congrats on your boysprout!

"Raising Boys Without Men" ... it's a good read. We don't know the birth gender of our baby yet, but DP is preparing already. She's lined up male friends to be dudes in our kid's life either way. This one will be his snowboarding buddy, that one will come to her baseball games ... that sort of thing. Although I'm not worried about raising boys. My brothers and I were raised by a single mom, so I've got a good role model already. And we do a lot of fun stuff as a family anyway ... stuff that society might think more appropriate to a well-rounded boy childhood: camping, skiing, fishing, hunting, ATVing, etc. But I just think all that is super fun ... and I'm super femme! So who knows ... well rounded does the trick every time it seems.

 

[Beccalina]

Quote:

Originally Posted by starling&diesel "Raising Boys Without Men" ... it's a good read.

Huh, never knew this book was out there....

I might just check it out...thanks

 

[ellie74]

I love boys parented by lesbians! Some of the most amazing guys I know (all straight by the way) were raised by two mamas. I'd be happy to have any kind of squeak, but I think I'd rather have a boy. The world needs more good men raised by queers. However, I understand being a little worried about what to do with a boy child. I am totally clueless when it comes to boy...stuff.

 

[lemurmommies]

When we were pregnant with E we didn't know what we were having, although I suspected that it would be a boy (and I was right.) We really wanted a boy though, so we were very happy.

In all honesty, we haven't had anyone say anthing at all to us about the fact that we're two women raising a boy. Perhaps because they think we're doing a good job now that he's here? Perhaps because most of our friends are women and they don't really think anything of it? I dunno...

In all honesty, now that we are TTC #2 I am terrified it will be a girl. I don't know if I know how to parent a girl.

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Family members have said some pretty ridiculous stuff to us in this line of thinking. Basically we either ignore them (if it is really pushing buttons at the time this is the best way for us to handle it, otherwise things can get really out of control with some of my family

) or tell them that DS has plenty of good men in his life, just not one that he calls "dad".

 

[serepartera]

Our little boy is 3, and was adopted at 9 months. We haven't had too many comments from friends or family (or, maybe I blocked them out and just don't remember) It is mostly strangers - "doesn't he ask about his dad?" Ive allways taken this as an adoption comment, but I guess it is more of a queer parenting concern. We don't have many male friends, so it has been hard to find him some male role models - my dad is fantastic, but lives 6 hrs away, so we don't see him much. We do try to get DS to talk to him on the phone weekly or more.
The only time having two moms has been a "problem" was when ds was about 20 months old. My DP has a small daycare in our home, and had a few weeks where every child's dad was the person to pick them up in the evening. (instead of the usual mix of mom or dad) DS started asking "where my daddy?", and looking out the window.

sooo we did some quick thinking and changed what he was calling my dad from "grandpa" to "granddaddy" and Also stressing that any male relatives (uncles,etc) are "____'s uncle brien",etc has seemed to calm him. We were surprized by the stress that he showed as a very young child (one and two) about this. He doesn't seem to be looking for "daddy", but just wanted to have ownership of a man - if that makes any sense. The relief in his eyes when we said "here is ____'s granddaddy" was a little heartbreaking. I have gone through my life just expecting that "of course" my child would be happy and well adjusted with two moms, and he is, absolutely, but it has taken more work than I orginally thought.
I know this isn't exactally what the OP asked, but I thought it was relevant.

: for more little boys with two moms!

 

[A&A]

Congrats!!

 

[lifeguard]

Congrats!

I just wanted to jump in & say that my Mom with my brother did what a lot of people here have said making sure uncles & our actual father were involved - until we moved across the country & we no longer knew any men. Then she got him involved in the Big Brothers program where he had a big brother who was his main male role model through his teen years. It worked out really well & gave him opportunities he would not otherwise have had (going to camp, etc.)

 

[Scalpel]

I was shocked by my family's reaction when we found out we were having a little girl....at first dp and I were a lil surprised she was a girl because for some odd reason we kept referring to our baby as him before the ultrasound.....my family was very happy that it was a girl especially my mom and made the comment like "oh thank god its a girl you know its just harder when women raise boys ya know with no father".....I was totally caught off guard and stunned with the comment and of course didnt come back with a good reply at the time. I hope to raise my daughter and any sons we may have the same way...with both strength, dignity and pride in who they are. Like previous poster said....well duh don't YOU all... meaning my dad and brother want to be involved???

 

[Karrie42]

My partner and I have taken to answer the 'male role model' question with another question: "Do you mean how will he be exposed to masculinity or will he hang around a person with a penis?" Because for the former, he has his baba. (We just recently bought him a shirt from lesbiandad.net that says 'my other mama is a baba) For the latter, he has his donor (Uncle J), a fabulous queer man who has more feminine energy than me! (and I'm the more 'girly' one in our relationship.)

People automatically assume 'male role model' means a masculine male person. I usually tell people we want our son to have several different models of 'maleness' in his life. He will have relationships with masculine men, feminine men, masculine women, feminine women and lots of wonderful intermixes of all of the above! With all of these examples, he is bound to find a reflection of gender and sexuality that 'fits' the person he is becoming.

 

[MujerMamaMismo]

Thanks for your thoughts folks...
It unfortunately hasn't been the men in our family who have had role model issues - though they have all gotten very excited about teaching Squeak whatever their favoured sport.

I realise I'm just gonna have to suck it up and pick my battles. He's our son and we'll raise him conscientiously, with love and compassion. That's all people need to know.

 

[MusicianDad]

Ah so the men understand that they get to be role models but the women just don't get it... Hehe next time it comes up you could list all the men and what sport they plan on teaching the little guy and ask if that enough male role models.

 

[trinity6232000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beccalina I agree! "now that he is getting older do you think he will resent you for not trusting men enough to have a relationship with one"?

I really just can't believe somebody actually said that out loud to you.

Okay so my situation is different, but thought I would share anyhow. I'm a single Mama to my dd age 8. When she was in preschool the kids starting discussing what their dad's do for a living. My dd stood up proud and said "I don't have a Daddy, I have a Pap-pap, and he's a real tired" (retired). When her teacher told me this it just filled my heart with pride.

I was worried when my dd's dad cut out of her life. Worried about having a male role model in her life. My best friend (who was raised without knowing her father) was trying to give me advice, and she said "I never wondered why I didn't have a dad, I wondered why I didn't have anybody". Her mother dealt with addiction issues.

This changed everything for me. That one statement. Kids raised in loving homes aren't missing anything. Role models for life should be loving and solid people, not males and females, it's all love.

Congratulations on your boy.

:

 

[serepartera]

Quote:

Originally Posted by trinity6232000 My dd stood up proud and said "I don't have a Daddy, I have a Pap-pap, and he's a real tired" (retired). When her teacher told me this it just filled my heart with pride.

I overheard a similar exchange between ds and a fellow 3yo a few weeks ago. Ds's friend said "well, YOU don't have a daddy" and ds put his hands on his hips and gracefully said "well but I have a mama and a mom and a granddaddy and an uncle trey and..." and proceeded to name as many family members as he could. So, yeah, I'm not too worried about him.

Also, having raised DP,s sister from ages 12-18, I would choose boy children over girls (that will inevitably grow into teenage girls) any day. THAT'S what I tell people who ask about us raising a boy.

 

[MusicianDad]

Quote:

Originally Posted by serepartera I overheard a similar exchange between ds and a fellow 3yo a few weeks ago. Ds's friend said "well, YOU don't have a daddy" and ds put his hands on his hips and gracefully said "well but I have a mama and a mom and a granddaddy and an uncle trey and..." and proceeded to name as many family members as he could. So, yeah, I'm not too worried about him. Also, having raised DP,s sister from ages 12-18, I would choose boy children over girls (that will inevitably grow into teenage girls) any day. THAT'S what I tell people who ask about us raising a boy.

As a former teenaged boy I can only say... Good luck with that!

 

[Diane B]

I'm not raising a boy, but I hope you don't mind if I post anyway. We had to verify for our adoption that our daughter would have "male role models" and we had to list them by name.

Now that she's four, I find that a variety of people have come into our lives, of multiple genders, since her birth. Not always the people we planned on in advance either. I don't think this is something you can map out ahead of time. That said, I find it interesting that there's an assumption that "boys need male role models" or "girls need female role models" but not the reverse. Given that we live in a world of more than one gender (more than two, in fact!) it seems to me that all children benefit from being around healthy, loving adults of various identities.

I agree with a previous poster that these kinds of comments are often people's way of expressing their discomfort with your relationship.

 

[Beccalina]

Quote:

Originally Posted by trinity6232000 I really just can't believe somebody actually said that out loud to you.

Unfortunately, yes.

My DP's father has gone back and forth from being supportive, to being in denial about us. At one point, he had it in him to say this to both of us.