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Please check all that apply about spouse/partner/ex

  • is very involved in every aspect of care

    Votes: 8 21.1%
  • They do more than half of the work when both of you are home

    Votes: 2 5.3%
  • You do more than half of the work when both of you are home

    Votes: 16 42.1%
  • You share the care and work 50/50 when both of you are home

    Votes: 12 31.6%
  • is somewhat involved but leaves many of the details to you

    Votes: 17 44.7%
  • if something happened to you, your child would receive excellent care

    Votes: 16 42.1%
  • if something happened to you, your child would receive basic care

    Votes: 13 34.2%
  • If something happened to you, your child would not be fed/medicated/cared for very well

    Votes: 5 13.2%
  • you feel happy and grateful about parter's role with your SN child

    Votes: 13 34.2%
  • you are overally satisfied but feel that things could improve

    Votes: 14 36.8%
  • you feel resentful and angry

    Votes: 7 18.4%
  • you are a single parent and ex/babydaddy is involved

    Votes: 1 2.6%
  • you are a single parent and ex/babydaddy is not involved

    Votes: 3 7.9%
  • you are a single parent of a foster/adopted/IUI child so bio parent is not in the picture

    Votes: 0 0.0%
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am wondering how it is in your house, with the day to day care of your special needs child. If you have something to add, I'd love to hear it. We are going through some stuff at my house right now. I want to know what's normal in the family of a special needs kids.<br><br>
If you could also add in a post (if the poll doesn't express what your expereriences are) please share. This is also a time to vent or ask for help with communication. I think that having a child with special needs adds a completely different flavor to any relationship and also a lot of extra stress. How do you cope? How do you balance the workload?<br><br>
If you are divorces or separated from the other parent, please share if you can depend on them to care for your child while in the care of the non-custodial parent.<br><br>
Thanks for sharing!
 

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Owen's dad is not and has not been involved. While he does have joint legal custody, he has not taken Owen on visitation in just about a year. He refused to learn sign language to communicate with Owen. He refused to read/learn/ask questions about Owen's special needs and what he can do to help him. He has not gone to a single dr or therapy appointment. Since learning about Owen's autism diagnosis he has disappeared completely (I have no address or phone number to reach him at). I very much doubt he will ever come back into Owen's life.<br><br>
I just pray that, should I die, Owen is not given to his dad. I will likely try to have his rights terminated in a few years, if he doesn't show up and grow up by then, so I can then rest assured Owen will not be forced to live with him, should something happen to me. I shudder to think of what Owen's life would be like if he had to live with his dad <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Oof - that's complicated!<br><br>
Dh works full time but definitely does more than his share when he is home.<br><br>
He is very loving to all the kids and especially ds2, BUT I worry a lot if something happened to me because he just doesn't have the attention to detail and I know things would suffer. They would be loved but probably not get their teeth brushed, and he would never notice how ds2 was or wasn't progressing and how to make changes in his therapies etc.<br><br>
He does a lot around the house but leaves most of the research, planning, thinking to me - and I don't really want all that responsibility! So that is frustrating. I ask him to read something or research something and he just can't stick with it. Hmmm, wonder where those learning disabilities came from <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
I worry a lot about the stress on our relationship and the high divorce rate of couples w/ autistic kids. I am more conscious of having to work on the relationship than he is.
 

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My DH is a passionately devoted dad. Every minute that he is at home, he wants to spend with DS. He recognizes his own autistic traits in DS, so he has an intuitive understanding of his emotional needs. DH is one of those Aspies who becomes so intensely focused that he forgets to eat, change out of his pajamas, go to the bathroom, etc. This is fantastic for our play therapy goals at home, but it also means DH gets burned out pretty quickly.<br><br>
So I'm in charge of everyone's physical needs. I do laundry & shopping, lay out DS's clothes, prepare all meals, remind my men of toileting/hygiene needs, etc. DH does all of the car-related stuff, most of the vacuuming, cleans the bathrooms (he doesn't want me handling household chemicals while pg), and does the dishes most nights.<br><br>
I am grateful for my DH. I feel that we each contribute our best to our marriage & family. Throughout the day, we check in with each other to attempt to prevent burnout. Doesn't always work, and we have plenty of conflicts, but I always say there's nothing like the deep loyalty of an autistic family.
 

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Dh does a LOT for dd when it involves stuff at home (meds, feedings, treatments, etc). If I were honest, I'd say it's probably a 50/50 on a good day for me, but more like he does 70 on a rough day for me.<br><br>
OTOH, I do about 95% of anything outside the home in terms of her care. I make and keep track of all dr appts, IEP meetings, school stuff, home care, paperwork for numerous agencies, etc. Basically, he does more direct care, but I do all the management!!<br><br>
The majority of the time, this totally works for us, and I am happy with our arrangement. I was happier when I could SAHM and care for her, but that's a story for a different thread . . .
 

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Dh does his best to help as much as he can but since I am the one with the kids practically 24/7 he tends to differ to my oppinion on most choices. He has had a hard time getting on the same page about things with Dd1 since he is gone all day M-F and only sees the kids durring the week in the morning for a couple of hours when he lets me sleep in and keeps an eye on things. I do most of the work with Dd when Dh is home because she will come to me instead of him. Dh is actively trying to change that. I don't mind at all that with the minor injuries he will call her over to fix the "owie" if he sees her headed to me unless I'm closer to her then he is. There are some therapies that Dd will only do if Dh asks her so that was the main catalist that got him headed to being on the same page. Otherwise he only had my daily/weekly reports and updates to know what was going on and wasn't physically seeing what was going on.<br><br><br>
At first when I was orriginally trying to get Dd1 evaluated Dh fought it. Dd1 is his 'little girl' and he didn't want to think that there was something wrong with her since he was afraid that doctors would start pushing us to medicate her. She is a sweet child and he didn't want that to change. He is still sometimes against therapies that seem radical (like the meletonin) but as he hears more about it and does his own research he tends to come around. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
But, all in all I think that Dh has been doing the best that he can. I know that it's not fun for him when he has to solo with the kids (like it's much easier for me. LOL!) but he does step up to do the best that he can.
 

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I have every confidence that if something happened to me that DH would step up to the plate, but as it is right now I do most of the work that is caused by her having special needs. I research and make most decisions regarding her care. I should probably document all of this in case something DID happen to me because although he loves her and wants to do his best, DH is overwhelmed by having to research stuff. He will follow along with all the special diets and dietary supplements etc. but does not want to have to be the one researching it.<br><br>
I'm not hugely dissatisfied by his lack of involvement because he makes up for it in other ways. He handles most of the household chores, for example, and overall I think we are equal partners in managing our family life even though I am more in charge of the kids' needs. He is a loving dad but just doesn't have the head for the more complicated things. He is about to pitch in some more with our impending battle with the school district and has offered to call the advocate and start the ball rolling since I'm so phone shy with such things.
 

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I have done 90% of the reading and research, but he is informed (through me) and speaks with people - he's just not the reading/research type and I'm not the social-talk-to-people type. So that basic area I'm comfortable with. Dh is involved in all of the decisions, asks lots of questions, takes action when needed, participates in activities, etc. and is intuitive to notice what goes on with DS and what is probably causing behaviors, etc.<br><br>
Though as far as regular basic care, I do most of it even when he's home. But he knows I will so it's not like he CAN'T. And if something were to happen to me, I am confident that he would step up just fine.
 

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I am sure DH would step up and DS would continue to receive excellent care if something happened to me. I do think that would involve substantial pay to outside caregivers, but I know DH would continue to be a great dad.<br><br>
Right now, I take care of DS almost exclusively Monday through Friday. DH is rarely home before DS goes to bed. They hang out together in the mornings, but I am the one who gets DS dressed, etc. I also put him on the bus to his preschool in the mornings.<br><br>
On weekends, DH makes a big effort to take DS out for part of a day. When DH doesn't have to work on weekends, we spend most of the rest of the time together. I still do the bulk of helping DS get dressed, etc. But DH does a lot of playing with and interacting with DS while I cook, etc.<br><br>
I do all of the appointments, meetings, etc. DH will read things, including things I ask him to.<br><br>
I should mention that DS' special needs are relatively minor. He does not have any physical or medical issues. (He has attention to task problems, sensory integration problems and slight language delays.) So his day to day care is not significantly different than most 3 year olds.<br><br>
HTH,<br>
Catherine
 

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The Dumplings' dad has not been heard from in 7 years. Sometimes I envy Mama's with partners who help, but just as frequently I treasure that YoungSon can be as quirky as he wants, and I do not need to defend him to anyone. I have a hard time imagining my ex being flexible enough to be accepting of this child.
 

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I do most of the work with DS mainly because DH works long hours--I take Brandon to his evals and therapies and appointments, and run his therapies at home. But, when DH is home he does help fully in the programs...
 

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i do all of the research, planning, coordinating, and therapy appointments plus run the household. this is mostly because dh works long hours and has a long commute. However, he is supportive and is a great sounding board, he is available to talk about all decisions regarding our kids care (even at work) so though i wish he were here more i do feel that he cares and helps me decide what makes the most sense for our family.<br><br>
i will admit to frequently feeling burned out however and then feeling resentful that he gets to nap on the train and i don't get a break.<br><br>
when he's home he is involved but often requires my direction
 
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