[Jess's Mom]

The kids got letters from jail today, I guess bio mom has been in for about 6 months now. She told the kids she would have contacted them sooner but the cops took her address book. I am so sick of this I know that when my ss get's his letter he will freak out. I guess my question is how much do you let kids know and how much do you keep from them ss is 11 and sd is 13. We found newspaper articles about her and let the 13yr old read them becuase she is so sick of her mom not telling the truth, she wanted to know. I know ss is not ready for that, but his mom is looking at about 5yrs from what see and it is going hard to listen him defend her for that amount of time. This is also the same kid that has been in lot's of trouble at school and has shown very distructive behavior at home as well. I just don't know what to do anymore even more now than last week. Anyone in the same situation?

 

[flapjack]

No, but can't read and not

I hope things work out somehow.

 

[Zilla]

Wow, what a bunch of junk that women has left you and your husband to deal with. Hugs to you

Alright, my two cents is just to be honest and tell them what is happening. The younger one will find out. If the older one knows she will tell him and if she doesn't he will find out from school (you said this stuff is in the paper). Its much better that they both find out from you and your husband first. Good luck and my heart goes out toyou and your family.

 

[777]

thats a hard one because kids will always have a curiosity, a desire, a love - whatever you want to call it for their biological parents. My husband decided to go ahead and let his kids (he has full custodybecause of her drug problem) see her every other weekend at one point after we were married because she was at a "camp" that allowed her to better herself and had a positive tone and was kid friendly. Needless to say it turned out to be kind of disastrous. She filled their heads in a subtle way about how our marriage is wrong and not biblical, she would put subtle guilt trips on them, and just had them on eggshells sometimes if they accidently said my name. She was fun and nice a lot, but would sprinkle it with weirdness. We had a lot of conflict at our "new" home and a lot of it stopped once my husband decided to cut off completely their visits. She would mail them letters, but we intercepted and read them and she would write longwinded letters about how she missed and cared for them, but she would throw in a bible scripture that talked about evil people reaping what they sow, etc..So we read the first letter with them and explained why it was not appropriate and then after that all other letters we just threw in the trash and didnt mention to them. You know I know the kids miss her and wonder about her, but it seemed to screw them up more when they had contact at such a young and impressionable age (13,14,16). So for now contact is cut off - it has been a year. I think emails will start happening soon, but at this point they will probably have a relationship with her when they are old enough to know how to handle her.

 

[woobysma]

: I'd go with an honest and straightforward approach. He's going to have to find out eventually, probably better now and from his parents, rather than hearing it from someone else.

 

[Jess's Mom]

Well, the papers arn't around us because most of what she did was out of state (thank goodness, I guess). It's just that this has been going on for 8yrs now and the kids are so messed up already. I know we need to tell him, but it's just a question of what to tell him. She didn't say much that was bad in her letters, it's just the fact to me that she is only doing this because she is locked up with nothing better to do. When mom is out she doesn't have much contact with them. I want her to be out of the pic compleatly, but I'm not sure how to do that. We had previously tried step-parent addoption after she was gone for 6 mo, but her mom put a stop to that. I don't know I guess I am just loosing hope at this point.

 

[Zilla]

Don't we all wish our husband's ex's were out of the pic!

The reality is though that she is the mother (even if you are the one acting like it). This is the part of being a step that sucks. The kids just have that bond with their mother that will never be like anything that you and them can share. I hate it too, but that is just life. I agree that in your case it sounds like the kiddos wuuld be better off with out her and just having you and their dad around, but it all comes back to the fact that she is still the mother and she always will be.

 

[Shenjall]

Not in the same situation, but wanted to give you a

.

Maybe reminding your kids that people make mistakes that sadly do hurt the ones we love? That deep down their mom does love them but for whatever reason, is unable to show them in a positive way. And that its okay for them to still love her but also feel disappointment.

How much to tell? She's in jail for breaking the law. She did some bad things but that doesnt equal being a bad person. Maybe being locked up will make her see the light? Maybe the letters will be coming more regular?

It's okay you're losing hope, I have enough for the both of us. Hang in there.