[caedmyn]

I need opinions on this...my 7 month old has been waking up several times a night for the past 2-3 months (we no longer co-sleep and it's not an option at this point). For the past few weeks she has woken up anywhere between 4 and 8 times a night, which can be absolutely exhausting for me. She's only hungry once or maybe twice, and just wants to nurse for a minute and go back to sleep the other times. If DH gets her he can just hold her for a minute and she'll go back to sleep.

A couple of weeks ago she woke up, cried, and DH said to let her be for a minute to see if she would go back to sleep. I figured it would never work, but maybe a minute later she fell asleep. Since then we've been trying let her cry for a minute some of the times she wakes (if I know she's probably hungry I don't let her cry). We have never let her cry for more than about 2 minutes--either she falls asleep again or someone goes to her after that. Also, if she sounds like she is getting upset, someone goes to her. DH is perfectly happy letting her cry for even longer, but I am not entirely comfortable letting her cry for more than 30 seconds (although it's hard to judge that in the middle of the night)...it's just hard for me to hear her cry

So my thoughts are this: obviously I don't want to let her cry if it is bad for her. But on the one hand, I cannot get up so many times a night and still functionn in the daytime, and DH is getting tired of getting up with her (since I ignore his advice and won't let her cry for more than a couple of minutes). It seems to me that if the middle-of-the night crying was negatively affecting DD, I would see a change in her daytime behavior, which I haven't. Does that seem like a reasonable assumption?

Hopefully all my ramblings make some sense. I'm just not sure what to do in this situation. Thoughts, anyone?

Oh, and the not-co-sleeping didn't cause the problem as she slept fine for the first 2 months after we put her in her own room. She also used to be able to self-soothe herself in the night and apparently she no longer does this (or at least without a little crying before she remembers that she can do it).

 

[sparklefairy]

I'm not there to hear what the crying sounds like. At her age, she is gearing up for crawling or some other developmental change most likely.

I think that I would do what you're doing, though. It's likely she's not really awake if she's quiet that quickly and I think that sometimes parents disturb babies more trying to help. You said someone goes to her if she sounds upset -- this leads me to believe that you are "in tune" with her sounds and aware of when she really needs you at night.

I personally wouldn't feel comfortable waiting more than a minute or two and when my kids were little, we coslept in a different room than their dad because I didn't want him to throw a fit if they/we woke him up.

: So I'm not speaking for my own personal experience.

 

[mummy marja]

I totally could have written your post a year ago! I don't know...this is a tough situation. I felt like I wasn't happy with either solution (letting him cry a little bit or getting up every single time)

But I have been there, and we did let my Ds fuss for a short time to see if he would go back to sleep (at his age, most of his night wakings are because of teething or something, so if he really does need me, I go to him) But if I went to him right away and tried to soothe him, he was quite likely to wake up even more and then it was a huge struggle to get him all the way back to sleep.

 

[mamabeth]

yep...ITA that you will probably know if/when the babe is really upset. both of my kiddos would whimper (even co-sleeping or side-carred) and sound like they were starting to cry, and then half the time would put themselves back to sleep. but we got where we could tell the difference.

can you side-car in some way? that really saved us, bc then you can tell better if she's really waking up or just moving around.

either way sounds like you're in tune with her...just keep doing that mama.

 

[Deir]

haven't read all the replies but here's a thought....we have gone back and forth with co sleeping and Myles (now 3) When he was younger I was always paranoid about "patterns" and "habits" I have thankfully learned in time for Frankie ( almost 1) that it is better to go with the flow. maybe your dd is needing to sleep with you again for a while?

 

[MissAbbyRosesMamma]

my daughter went through that a while back and i would let her cry to see what was going on and then get up and go to her, pick her up, rock her, tell her that i lvoed her right up to the moon and back but it was time for sleeping and i would see her in the morning. it took a couple of nights but eventually we were at the point where she slept through the night. if shes teething ill keep a cup of water for her and that usually is enough...

 

[Ruthla]

to the OP:

You know your baby a lot better than any of us do!

If she's fussing for less than two minutes, she's probably not fully waking up.

If co-sleeping is no longer an option, could you move her crib into your room, or sleep in the room with her crib? Then you could soothe her verbally without having to get out of bed.

 

[hawkfeather]

Quote:

Originally Posted by caedmyn For the past few weeks she has woken up anywhere between 4 and 8 times a night, which can be absolutely exhausting for me. She's only hungry once or maybe twice, and just wants to nurse for a minute and go back to sleep the other times. If DH gets her he can just hold her for a minute and she'll go back to sleep. We have never let her cry for more than about 2 minutes--either she falls asleep again or someone goes to her after that. Also, if she sounds like she is getting upset, someone goes to her. DH is perfectly happy letting her cry for even longer, but I am not entirely comfortable letting her cry for more than 30 seconds (although it's hard to judge that in the middle of the night)...it's just hard for me to hear her cry So my thoughts are this: obviously I don't want to let her cry if it is bad for her. But on the one hand, I cannot get up so many times a night and still functionn in the daytime, and DH is getting tired of getting up with her (since I ignore his advice and won't let her cry for more than a couple of minutes). It seems to me that if the middle-of-the night crying was negatively affecting DD, I would see a change in her daytime behavior, which I haven't. Does that seem like a reasonable assumption?

i think only you can tell what your baby needs, I am sorry your thread got high-jacked with some out right crap when you really need advice.

I think it would be so much easier if you and your partner could come to some sort of agreement. even just patting babies back or bum for aq second might help her go back to sleep, and babies wake up at night, everyone does even adults. She migth just need to see you are there for her when she needs you. And sometimes she might drift back to sleep, i had to learn how to not go to nurse for every little noise because some times my daughter is just *stirring* rather than waking.. you will figure out the difference and it sounds like you are well on your way!

 

[InDaPhunk]

Quote:

Originally Posted by caedmyn Hopefully all my ramblings make some sense. I'm just not sure what to do in this situation. Thoughts, anyone?

I've always felt that if you have to ask, then you probably shouldn't do it. Something about it doesn't feel right to you or else you wouldn't post about it, kwim?

 

[wonderwahine]

i let ds stir and grumble, but never cry, even if hes in a deep sleep and doing it I hold him or rub his back so he knows Im there.

 

[ndunn]

To the OP:

I'm sorry that you are struggling. We are teething right now and had a week or two like that (although we co-sleep so I wasn't having to get out of bed completely) this month - it was hard! I was so tired.

We finally sidecarred our crib which has done wonders. I think that our mattress moving around was distrubing her sleep. Perhaps your babe is going through a developmental milestone or getting some more teeth? Some times the need to be close to mom and dad doesn't surface until the baby has a reason to feel the need for more comfort (teething, etc) and reassurance. Could you put the crib next to your bed so you could just roll over onto the crib mattress and nurse back to sleep? That way you would still have your own spaces but you wouldnt be so exhausted from having to get out of bed...

Hylands makes a remedy called "calms forte". It says for 2 and up but if you go and see a homeopath they can direct you as to whether you can use it in a smaller dose or the same dose for your babe. I wouldn't advise just giving it, but if you saw a homeopath or naturopath first to check, it can really be helpful. Seeing the chiropractor helped for us too. Seemed to make her more comfortable.

I think the most important thing to remember is THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Keep responding to your babe's needs...they know best what they want and the better we listen the more we'll be able to find out whats wrong and fix it for them. Good luck to you.

 

[cynthia mosher]

I've removed posts from this thread that were inapppropriate so that the thread could be returned for beneficial discussion. Thnaks to everyone for patiently handling the inappropriateness.

 

[Dido]

I am just seeing this thread for the first time, so I'm not sure what kinds of posts are getting removed. I hope it's still ok to disagree with some of the PP's!

Crying in the night may not be "negatively affecting DD" in terms of her "daytime behavior" but that doesn't mean it doesn't reflect unhappiness at the actual time she is lying there alone, crying. The reason I don't let my DD cry if I can help it is not because of fearing impacts on her future development or behavior, it's just because I don't want her to be unhappy at that moment. So even if I knew she'd be fine in the long run, I'd still go to her when she cried. To me a minute or two would be a long time to lie there and listen.

You mentioned she used to have the ability to self-soothe and that not co-sleeping is not the cause of the problem because she was fine for the previous two months. You know, it is tempting to think that once babies do something, it's reasonable to expect them to keep doing it. But babies are always changing. What they can do at one stage is not what they can do at another. My DD slept through the night until she was about four months old. Now it's much rarer that she sleeps through. But I don't refuse to nurse her just because she used to be able to get through the night. I just feel that her needs have changed, so I will respond to that. A lot of babies develop more broken sleep at 7 months.

I would suggest that at the least you bring her crib back into your room. Sidecarring is a great idea, but if it's not possible, at least you have her there closer to you. I think if she's in the same room it will be easier to assess if she needs you to nurse her, and she may be happier and wake less as well.

I would also suggest that you work on your DH! It sounds like YOU are not comfortable hearing her cry for more than 30 seconds so TRUST your instinct. Your DH is the one who needs to develop his empathy a little here. If the baby will soothe back to sleep once he goes to her...then he needs to give you a break and go to her! Dr. Sears has a great section in The Baby Sleep Book on getting dads involved in nighttime parenting. So while overall in my post I'm saying don't let her cry, I'm also saying I don't think all the burden should be on you. Can you get your DH involved in a discussion of why CIO is not appropriate?

 

[mountainsun]

If it doesn't feel right to let her cry, even for a minute or so, then don't do it

- it sounds like you are awake anyways. Would you let her cry for that long during the day?? Of course not

This too shall pass.
~Sarah

 

[gr33nie]

My DS started waking 5 or more times a night right around 8.5 months. It got to where we couldn't take it any longer and then all of the sudden he started just waking 2-3 times which is normal for him and tolerable for us. So, it could just be a phase that she will get out of.

DS has never been on to 'fuss' for a minute and fall back to sleep but if I have heard that kids can cry in their sleep.

IMO if she cried for 1 minute and goes back to sleep I wouldn't worry about it and I would just try and learn the diff. between those kind of cries and the cries when she is really awake and needs you.

This is such a hard issue!
hugs

 

[caedmyn]

I would like to try side-carring her crib but DH doesn't want to take it apart to move it. Her sleeping in our bed really doesn't work because I get even less sleep--DH takes up 1/2 the bed and DD sleeps on her back with her arms spread out, so I get 1 foot on the absolute edge of the bed and get woken up frequently by little arms in my face. I can't go into her room at night when she wakes without nursing her--I have tried and tried to just talk to her, or pat her, or even just pick her up, and she throws a fit if I don't nurse her.

DH was helping but since I don't have as much tolerance for letting her cry as he wants he said he won't help anymore. (And we've "discussed" CIO since she was born pretty much and don't have the same ideas on it.) But at least if I'm the one who determines when I get up (as opposed to DH giving me a hard time if I get up "too soon") I can go to her when I feel uncomfortable with her crying. She sometimes sounds like she's upset but then she'll be asleep 10 seconds later so I know she's not truly upset. I think part of the problem is that she wakes, rolls onto her stomach, and then cries because she doesn't like to sleep on her stomach. Maybe I need to try to teach her to sleep on her stomach during naps

 

[nubianamy]

My dd hated sleeping on her tummy until just a few days ago -- when she learned to turn from front to back! Now she knows she can change so it's not so bad, I guess!

I'm sorry to hear about your dh's refusal to help.

We are dealing with a similar thing, but we are still cosleeping. If she cries once and then goes back to sleep (cries in her sleep?) we obviously don't pick her up or nurse, but if it goes on more than 10 seconds we figure it won't stop without help.

Ivy stretches out like a little starfish and I end up at the foot of the bed.

It's not so bad, but I sure would love more room to sleep. I'm reluctant to sidecar our cosleeper, though, because she already sleeps so restlessly, I'm afraid she'd wake more without me right there next to her. Could you and your dd move to your own mattress where you could have more room? She could sleep better if she's next to you.

 

[mothragirl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by caedmyn I would like to try side-carring her crib but DH doesn't want to take it apart to move it.

can you do it yourself? all you have to do is remove one side and push it against your bed

 

[caedmyn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mothragirl can you do it yourself? all you have to do is remove one side and push it against your bed

I suppose I could if I had to but it wouldn't make DH very happy I don't think. The crib would actually have to be taken apart, though, because it's too big to fit through the doorways as it is.

 

[bri276]

my dd sleeps in a cosleeper (we have a very unsafe waterbed and can't afford a new bed). she usually wakes once per night, about 50% of the time she doesn't need anything and goes back to sleep, I still just put my hand in and pat her so she knows she's not alone. the cries she does when she's sleeping are so quick that there's no way I'd have time to respond, just "waah!" and back to snoring. if the crying is actually going on for 60 straight seconds, that's long enough to simply reach in and put a hand on her to comfort.