[SummerLover]

I really, really need help. My dh hurt and betrayed me badly. I can't seem to let it go and if I don't I know my marriage is over.

Anyone been through this? Any words of wisdom?

 

[lovemygirl]

I am sorry this has happened to you...I dont' have any advice since I have no idea what the situation is (no need to go into details)...but maybe speaking with a counselor or a trusted friend? parent?

I hope you find what you need...

 

[thoesly]

My brother and sister-in-law just went through a really ugly patch. I played confidante for both. No conflict of interest -- I love them both and they each knew I would be supportive of them without trashing the other. I didn't think they'd make it 8 months ago. Now, I'm pretty sure they will.

Here's what they've done that I know about (I'm assuming there's a ton I don't know about, just as there's a ton that goes on in my marriage that stays in my marriage). 1) My brother went to anger management classes. I don't know what they talk about there because he won't talk about it. But I do know it has made him a new person. He's let go of all of the anger that used to vibrate off of him. More, he's let go of prejudices he's always had, and he's started exploring alternative points of view. I'm so proud of the man he is finally becoming, I could just burst. 2) My sister-in-law went back to work. She needed to redefine who she was, and this is what she felt she needed. I still wish she would consider counseling since she knows she contributed to their communication issues just as much as he did, but I must admit, she is much happier now. 3) She stopped allowing "the moment" to define her life. Part of going back to work was getting out of that moment.

They are working through this, and their marriage seems to be stronger because of having gone through it. I don't know if any of this will help you, but know that I will keep you in my thoughts.

Wishing you the best,

Tara

 

[cortsmommy]

I'm going thru a similar situation so I really feel for you and reading your post it felt like I could have written it myself. Lots of hugs to you and know that you deserve happiness. Don't let him take your happiness away. Love yourself. When I get really down I remind myself of that and then I always feel better. Only I can make me happy.

 

[SummerLover]

Thank you so much lovemygirl, thoesly and cortsmommy for your replies and support.

I am going to make an appointment to see a counselor on my own. Dh and I have been to quite a few sessions but these feelings remain. I guess I'm not a very trusting person to begin with and I know that I, in part, hang on to these feelings as a means of protecting myself from getting hurt again. I just wish there was some sort of magic formula for trusting again.

cortsmommy- I'm so sorry you are going through something similar. Many hugs back to you. You're right, I am responsible for my own happiness, and I need to remember that. Perhaps I need to look more at what I can control rather than what I can't.

thoesly- Part of me wonders if I need to get more of a life of my own like your sil. That may mean going back to work. I think I have lost sight of the big picture.

lovemygirl-I think seeing a counselor is the answer. My friends are probably really tired of hearing about this! And frankly, it's humiliating. Thank you so much for the hugs and good thoughts. They mean a lot.

 

[glutton4puns]

Seems like I know a lot of folks who have gone through what you are going through, and over the years the following "tests" seem to help:

The "good guy" test. Is your DH basically a good guy who messed up? If you think so, work to save the marriage. There ain't that many good ones out there IMHO! If in doubt, strike 1.

The "Can you be Present?" test. One friend walked in on a scene that she could not erase from her mind no matter what. There was no escaping the past and the relationship had to be put to sleep. But if you can get past the past, so to speak, and be present with this guy and if that feels good, go for it. This may be where counseling could help. Not sure how awful his betrayal was, so not sure how this test will go.

The "Imagine the Future" test. Spend a few days imagining a future without your DH. Does that make you feel relieved or sad? Happy or anxious?

The "are you sure what the problem is?" test. How long ago was the betrayal? Are you sure that is what you still feel hurt about, or could it be other things? I ask because you said you have trouble trusting--if the issue is more about the future than the past, make sure you focus on the future and how to feel safer about it.

Hope these help. I am new to the list so I hope it is OK to share these opinions without sounding like I know it all.

 

[Faeanne]

SummerLover~ ((((HUGS)))) I don't have any words of wisdom right now, b/c I'm currently going through the same thing. I just wanted to lyk that while I'm not sure if we're in the exact same situation, I know how you feel. My guy (I haven't decided what to call him yet LOL) also hurt & betrayed me very badly. I am trying to work through it and trying to get past it. The first thing you need to consider is that it will take a very long time and a lot of hard work on both parts. It's been a month for me and it's still rough. I highly recommend counseling- I just started going this week so it hasn't actually helped yet, but just knowing that I have someone to bare my soul too, to tell them all my thoughts & feelings, and not have to worry about their feelings getting hurt or them getting angry or them telling someone is a big relief. I don't know what else to tell you, except that it will get better. Whatever the future holds, be it with your dh or without, you will be happy and whole again. Part of what has helped me is taking the time to learn who I am, understanding that I will survive no matter what, and taking more control over my life.

If you want someone to talk too~ feel free to email me at [email protected]. I am more than happy to listen, share, or whatever you need.

know that you deserve happiness. Don't let him take your happiness away. Love yourself. When I get really down I remind myself of that and then I always feel better. Only I can make me happy. Very true!

I, in part, hang on to these feelings as a means of protecting myself from getting hurt again. I just wish there was some sort of magic formula for trusting again. I do the same thing! BTW- if you ever find the "magic formula" please pass it my way! I really need that too.

My friends are probably really tired of hearing about this! And frankly, it's humiliating Again- that's exactly what I feel!

glutton4puns~ I like those "tests." I think I'm gonna have to go over them myself. Thanks!

 

[SummerLover]

I just have a minute but feel I should "out" glutton4puns. He's my DH.

 

[CerridwenLorelei]

Major anger and resentment stemming back from things that started in December and while he made his June 1 deadline there was so much to create that anger and I felt betrayed because of something he did when I had this issue in the past but he was to be allowed to do it and then some
( and he even agrees I have the right) and we have talked and try but sometimes a little thing will remind me just how much I still have
I told the counselor just how deep it went but haven't had a chance to go back ..

 

[A&A]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummerLover I just have a minute but feel I should "out" glutton4puns. He's my DH.

That's strange.......he's acting like he has all the answers???! He's obviously not yet in a place where the two of you can make this work. Not saying he won't get there, but he's not there yet. HE HAS TO TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY. HE HAS TO SAY, "I F...KED UP, BIG TIME." He has to grovel and cry and let you know how much you mean to him, not play "counselor from a distance."

Did he tell you he was going to make up a name and post? Or did you just figure it out somehow? I'd be pissed about that, too.