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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
That's basically what I'm in right now. I've come to the realization that this marriage is unhealthy and I need to move on, but it's so hard to start the process. It's going to be painful for all of us, and I'm most worried about the kids. Day to day is not horrible right now, so it's easy to just sit here in limbo. I'm really waiting for him to have his next temper tantrum (which will happen, his moods have been a roller coaster ride lately), so I can say 'there's the door'. I want him to leave, and to be able to stay here in the house with the kids. I'm worried that if I start the process (i.e. being the one to say we need to separate), I'll have to move out. In the meantime, I have found an attorney I will use and have set aside money for the retainer.

It's so weird to live with someone you've loved for 15 years, but also hate at the same time for the things they have done to you. And then have to put on a happy face for the kids.
 

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Aw, I'm so sorry. I was in limboland myself, but thankfully only for 3-4 weeks. Then one day, STBX said, "All right, what's up? Are you PO'd at me or something?" I figured that was as good a time as any, and told him I'd talk to him when the kids went to bed. It gave me all day to think about what I was going to say (and totally stress out).

Hopefully you won't stay here for too long!
 

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I was in limboland for over a year. Over that time I talked with a lawyer, researched places to move, etc. I kept waiting for STBX to do "something" that I felt would warrant the conversation I kept having in my head about the reasons why things weren't working. He would do "something" but inevitably, I felt it never warranted that conversation. And then one day I realized this wasn't working for me - I was giving him ALL the power in the situation without even realizing it. I was doing it on his timeline (ie. waiting for him to do something) and not on mine. Plus, I didn't want whatever it was he did to be the reason why we had that conversation - it was about much more than whatever that one situation would be - it was so many more things than that.
Granted, I was fully prepared to be the one to leave, and believe me it was NOT easy to do that. But one day, after I felt I had prepared myself enough (emotionally, financially, etc.) after I put DS to bed I came down and just told STBX that I was leaving. It was not easy, but it was on my timeline, not his, and I retained my sense of control over the situation, instead of merely "reacting" to something he had done.
I know every situation is different, but I hope my experience is helpful to you. Stay strong mama!!
 

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I'm in limboland too. We've decided to get divorced but a deployment has pushed us both into having to wait until he gets back. So not only do i have no idea what he'll be like when he gets back, if things are going to change but i also can't even use these months to get things in order. I can't apply for assitence, or start grants for school or look for places to live. At most my options are scrimp and save as much money as possible and maybe get a roommate so i'm prepared to keep the house. It's truly aggrevating considering he's moved on already but i'm still stuck living in the house alone as a SAHM that we bought together without the love and comfort of a partner. I think some days tearing my hair out might be a fun activity.
 

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Im there too right now. We are stuck in this lease for another two months which gives me time to save some money. We separated our money as of this week, so now I dont have to pay his bills, so I actually can save.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks for your responses and also sharing your own experience. Nothing has changed- except that he seems to be on his best behavior lately, and I have to remind myself that this is the man who forced me into the position of having an abortion, and who is still refusing to get the vasectomy he promised. He's being very loving toward me lately, but he'll never be able to take any blame for what's happened, so I know ultimately what direction we're going in. Part of me wants it to just be over, another part is scared of everything that will come with separation. But I can also see farther into the future and I am excited about being independent again and looking for love down the road....
 

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I'm here too
while waiting to get my residency so I can afford for us to live separately. It should only take another 2 months tops, but I've been in this limbo for 8 months already since making the decision to leave. It's hard bc having to still live with him makes me question my decision at times, even though I know he is not the man I want to be with...he keeps making promises he can't keep.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Still here, feeling very stuck. I'm not sure if he sensed I was pretty much done, but he has made some kind of a turn-around. No mood swings for weeks, very helpful around the house, very loving towards me and the kids, and I think he even scheduled his vasectomy finally. Of course that doesn't take away our problems with communication, along with other deep-rooted issues. But things are ok right now, and it sure does make things more confusing for me, especially when I factor in two kids and how it all affects them. My Mom keeps telling me I'll know when the time is right. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and I keep thinking I need to make a decision about moving on before I lose any more time....
 

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I'm here. I am basically waiting for school to start in the fall and to start my new job. I am getting all the basics ready, like new bank account, credit cards ,etc.

It's so hard though. One minute, I feel a "little" bit sad about the whole thing and other times, I am livid. Today, my stbx raised his voice at me and I just looked at him and said something like, "I don't give a f#^%" and turned around and walked away. I truly wanted to tell him where to stick it but I am trying to keep the drama to minimum.

I feel like one of the hardest feeling about being in limboland, is the pent up feeling and energy.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by bananabug View Post
Still here, feeling very stuck. I'm not sure if he sensed I was pretty much done, but he has made some kind of a turn-around. No mood swings for weeks, very helpful around the house, very loving towards me and the kids, and I think he even scheduled his vasectomy finally. Of course that doesn't take away our problems with communication, along with other deep-rooted issues. But things are ok right now, and it sure does make things more confusing for me, especially when I factor in two kids and how it all affects them. My Mom keeps telling me I'll know when the time is right. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and I keep thinking I need to make a decision about moving on before I lose any more time....
Huh. If you're planning on leaving him maybe you should do it before he gets the vasectomy.
Limboland sucks. I was there for a few months.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
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Originally Posted by *MamaJen* View Post
Huh. If you're planning on leaving him maybe you should do it before he gets the vasectomy.
Limboland sucks. I was there for a few months.
He really needs to get the vasectomy for him- he's the one who definitely doesn't want more kids, no matter whether he is with me or not.....
 

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Hello,

Another mama living in Limboland. I would love for xh to leave, but I can't afford the rent on this place, so have been looking for another place to live. Most of the places I can afford are too small for me to have custody of the kids part-time, so I might have to pay a bit more than I wanted in order to have my own space. A work colleague's parents might have something I can move into July 1 - which is a long time for me, but better than staying here.
I meet with my lawyer for the first time tomorrow afternoon, which will be the first big step to getting out of my emotionally and verbally abusive situation.
xh is already going out on a date tonight (with someone I know - I'm sincerely happy for both of them) but it's going to get awkward if we live in the same house.
 
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