[NicolleLynne]

Hi All,<br><br>
I'm usually a lurker on this forum, though I have posted once or twice before. I'm writing today because I just don't know where else to turn. My DH and I just got back from my third trip to emergency room during this pregnancy (I'm 36 weeks). The baby was sluggish during her daily kick count and I almost had a panic attack. I was on the verge of hyperventilating before the nurse put me on a fetal monitor and found my baby girl's heartbeat.<br><br>
I'm not sure where all this anxiety is coming from. I've had two losses in the past, one first trimester, one second trimester, both due to chromosomal problems (I'm 39, 38 when we conceived). This whole pregnancy I feel like I've been holding my breath waiting for something bad to happen. It's like I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that I could be so lucky as to have a healthy baby, even though I've had every test available and countless reassurances from my OB. It's like no matter how many positive things I hear, my mind continues to dwell on the negative. I was listening to NPR the other day and someone mentioned there is a word for a child who has lost their parents, "orphan" but no word for a parent who has lost their child. Immediately, I thought, "it's an omen" and spent the whole day in tears.<br><br>
I just don't know what to do with these feelings. In my DDC, every one seems so happy and cheerful, so trusting in their bodies and their babies. They're nesting and having showers and being joyful and here I am in tears, terrified to buy anything for the baby because I'm afraid some agent of fate will see me being hopeful and punish me for it.<br><br>
And I know these aren't rational thoughts. I know they don't make sense but I can't shake them. I can't let go and be genuinely excited and I want to so badly. Am I crazy? Am I just trying to protect myself from another potential disappointment? Is it hormonal? I feel so badly because at my age, this may very well be my only child and I've spent the entire pregnancy anxious and worrying. I also feel bad for my husband. He's such a sweet guy and he's been really supportive but I can tell my constant worrying is getting to him.<br><br>
Does anyone have tips for dealing with these kinds of emotions? I'm on the verge of asking my OB for a c-section just so I can finally let go of this fear of another loss...

 

[fazer6]

First of all your thoughts may not be rational or 'normal' for the DDC girls, but round here you'd be just normal. We don't life in a happy Pippy Longstockings world of bfp = baby. I remember looking round my DDC wondering who it would be, who would be losing their innocence and coming over to this side.<br><br>
I lost my daughter when she was 3 weeks old, she was in hospital for the past 10 days or so of her life. So in theory having had an uneventful pregnancy and apparantly healthy take home baby I had no need for pregnancy paranoia. But oh yeah it hit me big time. About 36 weeks orso I got really angry. My birthing preparations had beento get my pads out and put them in the bathroom. But they annoyed me when I was there, I nearly got so angry I packed tthem away again, but even if I didn't get a take home baby I'd've needed them. I didn't nest, I didn't get the clothes out or even get the chest of drawers into our room ready for the clothes. Jay was a DDC ahead of me and because she was so positive I eventually managed to putbedding in the crib, and then put it back in the plastic wrapping.<br><br>
Now somethings someone onhere (was it Jill?) once said, hope does not bring bad luck. Nothingwill go wrong just because you had hope. But then again if you want to protect yourself emotionally then do so. Come on here and get out the crazy.<br><br>
Take each day one at a time. Asking for a c/s when you have a live baby means you get a live baby which is nice. But then again if the baby's not ready it can cause problems. There's no easy answer. What do you have that helps you relax? Do you have a relaxation tape? I think on gentlebirth.com there's a free relaxation for all hypnobabies track. Get something like that and some lavendar essential oil. Make time every day for yourself. Get a facial, maniacure or a massage. Pamper yourself and treat yourself.<br><br>
If your baby is sluggish during kick counts it's not paranoia to go to the ER, it's responible parenting. You're on the ball and doing all you can to protect your little one. We all go through it and we can help you through these last weeks until you get your precious baby to hold and cherish.

 

[nola79]

I think after experiencing any loss, it changes your view of pregnancy. I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks, my first pregnancy, and ever since then, I have dealt with the fear you are describing. I've gone on to have two healthy full term babies and I feel so fortunate for that, but each pregnancy I was a nervous wreck, in the back of mind I was alwasy imagining the worst outcome and not really connecting with the pregnancy due to fear of it ending without a healthy baby. I wish I had advice on how to overcome that fear, I could use some myself.<br><br>
eta: I realize that a loss at 5 weeks is not at all the same as losing a child later on in pregnancy or at birth, however, my point was just that ANY loss affects the way we view our future pregnancies.

 

[hippy mum]

They are normal feelings- and big hugs for you as well.<br>
I think if we were to become pregnant again, I would be happy, but also in a state of fear as well, at least on some level, until that baby was born and in my arms nursing.<br>
I also don't think I'd be able to visit a dd club, because the emotions are so different.

 

[jtrt]

I hear you, momma. So many things you say are things I felt and said myself. I had three first trimester losses immediately prior to conceiving Edelweiss and my pregnancy with her was terrifying. I felt like a healthy baby was almost too much to expect and I could never really believe that she was coming. I kept telling dh that I was "not going to get away with this." I remember so vividly sitting in the bathtub at 36 weeks with a giant belly full of wiggling baby with tears streaming down my face, telling my husband I didn't think a baby was really coming. Even in labor, I broke down and told my midwife that I had brought the baby as far as I could in this journey and needed someone else to be responsible for her. The feelings you are describing sound so normal and so real to me, because they are the exact same feelings I had.<br><br>
My third loss broke something inside me. In my mind, in my psyche. I was never the same after that. I stopped believing that I could have another baby. Even at term, I thought no baby was coming. I cannot really explain it...it is not that I feared she would die before birth necessarily...I just did not believe she was coming. The journey from my womb to my arms seemed impossibly long, like she was a million miles away. All the tests said she was normal and healthy. I had three beautiful births before her. There was no rational basis for my fears. But I could never shake the fear.<br><br>
I do not know how to help you because I was never able to conquer my fear. I can only tell you that my baby did come. She is now my 4 month old living dream come true. She had her own path and it was different than I would have liked but come she did.<br><br>
My love for her is so unique. It is a love infused with deep gratitude. Sometimes, I still cannot believe she is here and my eyes flood with tears when I feel her certain weight in my arms. The fear is gone, though I can recall it in a moment if I reflect on those long months.<br><br>
I am trying so hard to think of what to say to ease your pain, momma. I am trying to think of what I wanted to hear 4 months ago. I still don't have the answer. I will not tell you not to worry. Or that everything will be okay. I won't tell you to trust your body or the doctor or God or the universe or your partner because I felt betrayed by all of them. I still do. I want to make this better for you but I cannot. All I can tell you with certainty is that you are not alone. I am hoping with my whole heart for peace and comfort for you tonight and every day until your precious baby arrives.<br><br>
Warmly,<br><br>
Amy

 

[Catubodua]

i understand the fear. i was afraid my whole pregnancy that the next appointment would be the one where they gave me the bad news.<br><br>
it's awful and i wish i had wise words that could help you get over it.

 

[NicolleLynne]

Thank you all so much for your kind replies... Just knowing that there are other women out there who have felt the same things I'm feeling is comforting. It's good to know I'm not alone or completely crazy. Last night at the hospital, as I was lying there with the monitor attached, listening to my little one's heartbeat, I never wanted to leave. I just wanted to stay there in that narrow bed with the paper thin sheet, listening to that sound for the next three weeks, knowing there were doctors and nurses all around to take care of us if something were to go wrong. Later on, these thoughts depressed me so greatly. For one thing, I hate hospitals - if I hadn't had the losses I would definitely be birthing at home or in a birthing center and for another, I thought, how sad that I'd rather be surrounded by strangers than at home with my husband and pets. How sad that I'd rather just lay in a bed with a machine on my belly than prepare for my little one's birth. Over and over again, I kept asking myself, "<b>What is wrong with me.</b>"<br><br>
The one thing that is keeping me semi-sane is an experience I had right at the beginning of the pregnancy. I was sitting my OB's exam room waiting for the ultrasound tech to call me and I was so scared because less than a year prior I'd been in the exact same place, so full of hope, so sure that lightening couldn't strike twice and seconds later, was told "there is no heartbeat". I was shaking and sweating and suddenly I heard a voice in my head say with complete confidence and authority, "Everything is going to be fine." and a few minutes later I saw my little girl's heartbeat.<br><br>
I've heard a lot of voices telling me a lot of things since that day, 99% of which has been negative and frightening and what I keep reminding myself of, is that none of that scary stuff has come to pass. The CVS, the AFP, the Level II ultrasound, so far everything, just like that first voice told me, is fine. I try so hard to hang onto that. I try so hard to believe in that voice. I like to believe that it was my mother's intuition, making itself heard for the first time, trying to give me peace. I just wish I didn't have to fight so hard to hear it.<br><br>
Tonight though, right now, knowing I'm not alone and knowing that other women have been where I'm at and survived and had healthy babies, I hear that voice pretty clearly. Thank you all so much.

 

[expatmommy]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm in your DDC & I know the fear that pervades PAL. It is a rough road & one I wish there was more understanding of in the regular DDC but at the same time I'm glad that the others in the DDC can embrace the naivety of pregnancy without those fears.<br><br>
May the next weeks pass quickly & uneventfully until your little one is safe in your arms.

 

[MariaM11]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>NicolleLynne</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15361004"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I just don't know what to do with these feelings. In my DDC, every one seems so happy and cheerful, so trusting in their bodies and their babies. They're nesting and having showers and being joyful and here I am in tears, terrified to buy anything for the baby because I'm afraid some agent of fate will see me being hopeful and punish me for it.</div>
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My 4th child was stillborn, at 39 weeks, last August.<br>
I am 10 weeks pregnant right now.<br><br>
I think my ignorance is the thing I miss the most. It's what annoys me and makes me envious of women who haven't experienced loss. It makes me want to yell at them and tell them that there's a good chance their baby will die and they shouldn't be so sure that things will just be okay.<br><br>
I think your feelings are "normal" (such a terrible word, there is nothing normal about grief), although I'm not as far along as you, I have spent the last 6 weeks in fear, absolutely certain that this baby will be dead too.<br><br>
I'm so sorry for your losses.

 

[NicolleLynne]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MariaM11</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15367928"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My 4th child was stillborn, at 39 weeks, last August.<br>
I am 10 weeks pregnant right now.<br><br>
I think my ignorance is the thing I miss the most. It's what annoys me and makes me envious of women who haven't experienced loss. It makes me want to yell at them and tell them that there's a good chance their baby will die and they shouldn't be so sure that things will just be okay.<br><br>
I think your feelings are "normal" (such a terrible word, there is nothing normal about grief), although I'm not as far along as you, I have spent the last 6 weeks in fear, absolutely certain that this baby will be dead too.<br><br>
I'm so sorry for your losses.</div>
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I'm sorry for yours as well and for every other mother who's felt the pain of a loss. I miss my ignorance too because it creates such a divide between me and other expecting mothers. Two of my closest friends have small children and I don't even feel like I can connect with them. Everything went beautifully during their pregnancies and they can't understand how scared I am. Neither of them even bothered with kick counts and can't understand why I do. They just assume everything will be fine and though sometimes I find that comforting, most of the time it makes me feel even more alone. I just don't know how to explain my feelings to anyone who hasn't been there. Sometimes I just want to yell, "NO! I can't relax! NO! I cannot stop worrying! NO! I don't know that everything will be okay because it wasn't, not just once but TWICE! I lost two babies! Two loved, wanted, needed babies! I had terrible surgeries, I had pain you can't even imagine and it's still there. I still feel it!" but of course, I never say anything of the sort because no one wants to hear it. And why should they? It's morbid and depressing... I just wish I could go back, be innocent and naive and full of hope. I just want my baby girl safe in my arms, maybe then I'll get back a little of what I lost.<br><br>
Best wishes to you and your new little one, best wishes to all of us on this roller coaster of a journey. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[CherryBomb]

I definitely empathize. I had two m/c in a row (one ectopic @ 5 weeks, one unexplained @ 16 weeks). I'm 16w6d now and I was hoping that once I passed where I was when I lost my son last time that I'd calm down, but if anything I feel even more neuroitic. I have a doppler and I keep checking the heartbeat but then convincing myself I'm not actually hearing it and it's something else. Blah. Or feel some movement but then second guess it. I have an appt tomorrow so I hope they find the hb right away.<br><br>
You definitely lose your innocence after you lose a baby (or babies). I wish I could go back to being naive and never questioning that a hpt would mean a baby.

 

[ILoveMySofie]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>jtrt</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15362000"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I hear you, momma. So many things you say are things I felt and said myself. I had three first trimester losses immediately prior to conceiving Edelweiss and my pregnancy with her was terrifying. I felt like a healthy baby was almost too much to expect and I could never really believe that she was coming. I kept telling dh that I was "not going to get away with this." I remember so vividly sitting in the bathtub at 36 weeks with a giant belly full of wiggling baby with tears streaming down my face, telling my husband I didn't think a baby was really coming. Even in labor, I broke down and told my midwife that I had brought the baby as far as I could in this journey and needed someone else to be responsible for her. The feelings you are describing sound so normal and so real to me, because they are the exact same feelings I had.<br><br>
My third loss broke something inside me. In my mind, in my psyche. I was never the same after that. I stopped believing that I could have another baby. Even at term, I thought no baby was coming. I cannot really explain it...it is not that I feared she would die before birth necessarily...I just did not believe she was coming. The journey from my womb to my arms seemed impossibly long, like she was a million miles away. All the tests said she was normal and healthy. I had three beautiful births before her. There was no rational basis for my fears. But I could never shake the fear.<br><br>
I do not know how to help you because I was never able to conquer my fear. I can only tell you that my baby did come. She is now my 4 month old living dream come true. She had her own path and it was different than I would have liked but come she did.<br><br>
My love for her is so unique. It is a love infused with deep gratitude. Sometimes, I still cannot believe she is here and my eyes flood with tears when I feel her certain weight in my arms. The fear is gone, though I can recall it in a moment if I reflect on those long months.<br><br>
I am trying so hard to think of what to say to ease your pain, momma. I am trying to think of what I wanted to hear 4 months ago. I still don't have the answer. I will not tell you not to worry. Or that everything will be okay. I won't tell you to trust your body or the doctor or God or the universe or your partner because I felt betrayed by all of them. I still do. I want to make this better for you but I cannot. All I can tell you with certainty is that you are not alone. I am hoping with my whole heart for peace and comfort for you tonight and every day until your precious baby arrives.<br><br>
Warmly,<br><br>
Amy</div>
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Beautifully written, Amy and so much of it hit so close to home...