[ex-stasis]

I am watching this thread with interest and empathy.

DH has no diagnosis... but he acts in ways that are very similar to what has already been posted by others. I don't want to post personal details unfortunately because he FREAKS about discussing his personal details with others and I understand that.

I wish I could talk to someone about some of these personal details, however, they are, after all, some of MY personal details now, being married to him for 7 years.

But this thread has given me the idea to start reading some books on high functinoing autism. I feel better already just knowing that there are others out there living with AND loving people like my DH and actually succeeding at it... because sometimes everything just feels impossible and I feel like a total failure at this marriage thing. Not to mention totally rejected and alone.

 

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Originally Posted by pazerific we're TTC#2, and my biggest worry is that we'll go through all of that misunderstanding again. have any of you experienced something similar with your DPs? any helpful suggestions or hints on how to get through that more smoothly than we did last time? he was so wonderful, strong and selfless during the labor and birth. it's just the post-partum period that was a struggle for us.

We went through a similar rough period after DD was born. It was horrible. I was so scared that it was going to happen again after DS was born in April, but miraculously, it didn't. So I guess I don't really have any ideas, but I just want to put it out there that maybe it will be different this time simply because you and he are not going through the HUGE life change of becoming parents for the first time. You're already parents. Adding #2 isn't as life-changing as having your first... that's what I think happened with us, anyway.

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Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie How do you deal with the loneliness and feeling disconnected/unwanted (if you do)?

: I really struggle with this... mostly because it seems like my DH WANTS a close connection, but is unable to maintain it (or I am unable to maintain it in a way that works for him). I do feel lonely and useless a lot of the time... like why am I in this relationship again? Usually something reminds me, though, before it all becomes too hopeless.

Has anyone read any books about being partnered to an aspie? I'm picking up Maxine C. Aston's books from the library this week.

 

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I have A couple questions for everyone.

Does having an Aspie partner affect:
1) your views on vaccination?
2) how many children you will have?

Coming to the realization that DH may have AS, it makes me even more nervous about vaccinating. If autism is in the family, I don't want to do anything that will make it more likely that my children will be affected.

DH and I had a talk the other day in which we both agreed that three children would be the perfect number for our family. However, we both agreed that we are not stable enough to add any more children and so we're stopping at 2. As it is I already feel like I have too much on my plate.. two kids and a husband who needs pretty much constant attention, help and monitoring. DH admits that he is "not very stable" and so three kids probably would lead to not a very good family situation for us. As it is we're holding on with two.

I feel a little bit sad at the thought of not having any more babies, especially when we both feel like 3 could be the right number... but I feel a bit relieved too that we both agree that 3 is too much for us. Does that even make any sense?!

 

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We are currently enduring another "episode". It seems like our major issue is DH's sleeping problems. He has a really big problem getting to bed at night and will sometimes (frequently, in the past, but thankfully not so much now that he has to go to work outside the home) stay up all night. For some reason he thinks that it is my responsibility to "help" him go to bed at night. I find this extremely frustrating because he is not nice about it at all. he fights me tooth and nail. He basically calls me stupid for not being able to do this successfully. Last night as I was trying to coax him to go to bed after watching a bit of TV, he totally pulled away from me (total rejection it felt like) and then started the speech that is too familiar lately about how "short-sighted" I am. When i said something in response to that he laughed and then I started to cry.

So this morning we are dealing with fallout. DH's way of dealing is to not talk. He is currently curled up in bed pretending none of us exist.

I'm so tired of DH's sleep being my responsibility. Why is it my responsibility? I understand that I need to put my two year old and my 6mo to bed and help them get to sleep, but why do I have to put my DH to bed too?! It is totally insane.

I started reading "An Asperger Marriage" yesterday and I found another message board called "AS ans relationships that work" on which the AS husband from the book posts help for people who ask questions on the board. He is quite helpful, it seems... but I just can't do anything with DH when he is in recluse-mode.

Can anyone relate to this?

Sigh.

 

[ex-stasis]

I should mention, too, that I got up this morning and made an apple pecan cake to take to church for a function that's going on there (that we were supposed to go to) and now I don't even know if we're going. I hate the uncertainty that goes along with DH's withdrawals. I feel totally helpless and at his mercy.

 

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So we went without him (we don't have a car, so I wasn't depending on him for a ride or anything). It was nice to get out and talk to other people.

The thing is, I don't like to go out without him because I know he needs to feel solidarity with me... or something.

It's really hard to tell what is best for our relationship...

 

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Originally Posted by peatmom Well, come get him then ... it's your turn to find his keys!

Oh, that's hilarious!

 

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Originally Posted by Brigianna Many autistics would not consent to be treated the way the autistic man in "An Asperger Marriage" was treated. For what it's worth, to consider, if using that book as a guide.

I'm not sure if you're referring to some specific thing that Gisela did... the only thing I really found over-the-top was her breaking of dishes and an excessive amount of nagging and hypervigilance. But it seemed to work for their family. Unless Chris was coerced into writing what he wrote in the book, he seems okay with how he is treated in the marriage--happy, even.

That said, I did read opinions similar to yours on Amazon when I was checking the book out and have taken that into consideration.

 

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Originally Posted by Thao Just from the little slice of your life that you have posted here, it sounds to me like your relationship is too codependent at this point. You guys have to work out a relationship where both of your needs are being addressed, not just his.

Yes, I agree. I have actually been leaving DH with a little bit more responsibility that I have in the past. I used to do EVERYTHING. Now I have started asking him to do stuff making lists, giving him specific instructions and it seems to be improving. Sleep is still an issue though. It's hard because I know he needs help with this one--he has asked me for help with it--but I just don't know what to do.

Last night we talked about what we wanted to do for the evening, made a rough kind of schedule and then at bedtime I told him that I would put his book and his headlamp (so he can read himself to sleep in the same room as everyone else) in a place where he can find it easily. This seemed to work well. Ultimately it's his responsibility, but I tried...

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Originally Posted by captain crunchy On one hand my husband really seems to rely on me to *navigate* his life as I call it. He always asks me "what he should do" or "how he should handle X, Y or Z" and while I am happy to help -- I feel as though we fall into a role of parent/child a lot and I don't like that!

This is a tough one for us too. There are certain things that DH really needs me to manage. He needs me to pretty much push him out the door to work every morning. I hate this morning routine, but there doesn't seem to be any other way. Stuff that isn't time sensitive I usually leave up to him. Actually now that I think of it, it's not entirely different from how I manage our 2yo dd. I hope that's not too insulting. <cringe>

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Originally Posted by Brigianna I would rather be hit than yelled at any day. Other people are different, of course, but I would forewarn anyone who expects that her own autistic husband would respond the way he did.

Ok, I see it's the yelling that you responded to most. My DH is sensitive to loud noise as well. I have no idea how he would respond to me yelling at him as I've never done it. I probably never will. I have issues with being yelled at myself from being brought up by a mother who yelled. That is definitely not a lesson I would take from that book as an effective way to deal with DH.

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Originally Posted by beansavi OMG YES! this is my number one issue with dh. We talk about it a lot. I tell him that it is mentally (and eventually physically and emotionally) exhausting to have to do that on top of guiding the lives of our three children, run the household, and attend graduate school. Even if I did not have all of these things, he needs to practice thinking for himself, for his own good.

Ok, your little scenario was EXACTLY like one I've experienced many, many times!

Actually, quite similar to this morning, with me trying to get my toddler dressed, get the baby to nap and find DH's belt. We never did find the belt.

 

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Originally Posted by Pynki He said it was just a joke and it wasn't his intention to do that. I'm sure that is true, but it felt like an attack when he did it.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but if it wasn't for *everything else* that goes on in your relationship, you probably would have taken it as a joke and all would have been just fine. That's the way it would have been for me, had DH done something like that. It's not the specific comments, it's the specific comments and everything else from day-to-day life. And then when you get upset about a specific comment it's made out to be like you're getting upset over NOTHING, and you're crazy.

Yep.

 

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Hi mamas...we've been crazy busy here because 2 weeks ago DH was in a bike accident (with a car) and broke both wrists.

But I really just wanted to share with you all the book that I'm reading. It's Ashley Stanford's "Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships". It's really really good and I think could help a lot of you deal with the day to day stuff. It has already diffused at least two major blowups for us.

I highly recommend it.

 

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Originally Posted by peatmom to you, ndigiorgio! ex-stasis - I'm going to check out the Asperger's and Long Term Relationships book you recommended. You also posted recently about the Asperger Marriage book. I haven't read that one, either, but am curious. How would you compare the two books?

The Asperger Marriage one was interesting as a first book for me to read on the subject. I felt validated by reading that there were other people out there who had "strange" relationships with their spouses and they were still committed and making it work. However, the AS and Long-term Relationships book, I think, is far more useful if you're beyond a need for validation--ie. if you know what it is you're dealing with and you want answers. It is based on both anecdotal evidence and studies and offers a lot of suggestions for work-arounds. The first one I'd get out of the library, read it and return it. The second I would actually buy and read again and again.

 

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Originally Posted by ndigiorgio DH and I were ACTUALLY GOING ON A DATE! We were going to go out to celebrate his 40th and then last night my dad stopped by to take DH and us out to celebrate and DH all of a sudden got sick. I think we were not meant to celebrate this birthday for some reason.

My DH just celebrated his 40th as well! We had a nice dinner at home with his favourite cake. It was pleasant.

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Originally Posted by beansavi Exactly! Doesn't it feel so great finally finding others who get it?

I swear I feel so much better about our relationship now that I know its not totally disfunctional. I mean, it is sort of... but I know there is a good reason that it is and now I have an idea of what I can do to prevent some of the more unpleasant things from happening.

 

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Poor Thystle (and I mean that sincerely...) that is something I dread happening to me. My kids are both too little to know how they're going to turn out... but I don't know how I would deal with two or possible three people in the family with these issues.

Speaking of which, those of you with kids on the spectrum, at what age did you know?

 

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I recommended a book in one of the earlier threads... AS and Long Term Relationships. It's awesome. I think it would apply to a milder situation as well... you just leave what doesn't apply to you, but there's tons of great advice in it. I can't remember the author at the moment...just looked it up and it's Ashley Stanford. hth.

 

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DH called me an idiot this morning. Reason? He went to bed at 11pm (as opposed to his usual 4am) and woke up at 9am. I apparently should have woken him up earlier (I woke up at 8:45).

The thing that bugs me the most about this is that he used this language in front of our 2.5yo. I don't want her to use this language, talk to other people this way or think that husbands and wives talk to each other this way. I would never call DH an idiot; I don't see why he gets to call me one.

I wrote him an email saying all this, but didn't send it. Why? I don't think it will make any difference. He'll just come back at me with a bunch of crap justification for what he said and he won't appologize for calling me an idiot or even for hurting my feelings. We've been through this before when he's called me stupid (another favourite of his). He never appologizes even when I explicitly say that it hurt my feelings.

What do I do? I feel like I need to do something... but at the same time I feel like nothing will make a difference...

 

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The lack of apology bugs me, but not as much as the lack of change. I don't really want an apology without an attempt at change and so I guess it's a good thing that I don't get an apology because certainly he's not going to change. I'm the one who has to do all the changing in this relationship and apparently that now includes accepting being called names.

I did send the email afterall... probably won't make any difference, but it felt wrong to let it go.