[beansavi]

Welcome! Please just skip to the last page(s) of this thread and introduce yourself. You will see there was much heated debate in the first weeks of
this thread form people outside of the support group. We have resolved this and are now safely tucked into the Finding Your Tribe forum, which does not permit debating about the intentions or general verbiage of this thread.

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As a support group we want to grow and learn, but also because most of us need to learn to create safe spaces for ourselves.

Living with a dp who has asperger's can be exhausting.

This exhaustion and frustration in no way reflects the love we have for our partners.

In order to maintain our physical and mental health, it has been stated by psychologists and by medical doctors that we must have a support network, free from criticism for our needs.

For this reason, if you are simply here to monitor our verbiage, please do not post here. Instead, speak with a mod without posting.

We require the same respect that everyone else with special needs or any other support requires. We have special needs and stressors not typically found in daily life.

 

[beansavi]

I was going to reply to these two but read the rest of the posts and want to say this:

For what it's worth, I firmly believe that the spouses of those who are borderline aspergers' (or whatever other level) deserve a place where they can learn, get support, grow, and vent without guilt or judgment or criticism for terminolgy. This is what I am asking for here.

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Originally Posted by peatmom Thank you for pointing that out to me. I apologize for my ignorance and any hurt or disrespect felt by readers of my post.

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Originally Posted by Roar I would tread really carefully in the territory where ASD is being used almost interchangeably for a*hole. I have known more than one woman convinced she was married to a man who was borderline Asperger's when in fact the man was manipulative and unkind in ways that would be very atypical for a person with the diagnosis because the negative behaviors they were exhibiting actually indicated a great deal of social understanding. Yes, folks with ASD can have trouble reading social cues in ways that can be challenging in a relationship, but there are also people that are simply unkind jerks. I don't think it is helpful to the many kind people with ASD to lump it in with being a jerk.

 

[beansavi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by beansavi I was going to reply to these two but read the rest of the posts and want to say this: For what it's worth, I firmly believe that the spouses of those who are borderline aspergers' (or whatever other level) deserve a place where they can learn, get support, grow, and vent without guilt or judgment or criticism for terminolgy. This is what I am asking for here.

I also think that when people like me say "My dh can be an a-hole"...what we mean is that their behavior makes us feel hurt, alone, lonely, scared. And no matter how many years we have discussed this with dh, due to asperger's it doesn't really change. Our feelings have to be vented somewhere....it is healthy to do so.

 

[beansavi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roar Has he had any kind of therapy? I would put the focus not so much on the diagnosis because that only provides so much information, but on identifying specific goals he has for himself and finding ways to get help working on those. I would suggest finding a therapist who has worked with people with autism spectrum concerns who is open to helping him. Cognitive behavioral therapy is helpful to many people.

Thank you for that information. I appreciate it!

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Originally Posted by Pynki My husband and I believe he has aspergers. He blogged about it on my blog a couple weeks ago to give people an idea of how he feels. I had someone tell me they think it's BS that I am excusing his bad behavior because he's just a jerk. She talked with HER councellor about it, and her therapist agreed with her. Besides their husband works with someone with Aspergers and he's very sweet and polite. *sigh* Yeah, the fact that my huband's family uses snark and sarcasm as a way of communicating couldn't POSSIBLY make my husband seem like a jerk since SOOOOOOOOOO much of that type of communication is about reading people. So, sometimes he seems like a jerk. It really bugs me. He is a very loving guy... in his own way. He feels things, he just isn't that good at seeing that I too feel things. Or that his mom feels things. Or his dad, or his brother.

Welcome. If it helps at all (though maybe only a tiny bit), I am here for you. I can listen, compare experiences, or just talk about chocolate pudding. Whatever.

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Originally Posted by momma4fun I want to talk about myself, about how I can get my needs for support and companionship from new relationships, how I can fully get over the pain of finding myself in a marriage that is so radically different from any other relationship or ideal I've ever had. I don't want to have to convince readers of this thread that my husband really is an Aspie or have to constantly speak of him like a baby who doesn't know any better. I want to talk about my feelings. I hope I will get some time to sit down tomorrow and give you some more background on how I truly lost myself and many of my dreams and my self-esteem through this whole situation and how I'm struggling to regain myself now. I'm so excited because I've begun to taste a vaictory over my depression -- that I CAN get through this, I CAN be happier without blaming Dh, and I NEED to brush up on my own wasted away social skills to I can reach out in the new state I just moved to to make friends.

Amen! And this is the place to talk about yourself, and your needs. Living with an aspie causes depression in many people, and it doesn't have to do in any way with how good a person you are or how much you love your partner. You are human and your needs are just as valid as your dp's.

I struggled with depression,too, and just having a place to say "AAAAARG!" felt like half the battle was won, KWIM?

Today I feel frustration and irritation and loneliness in cycles, as dh goes through what we both call "an episode". But the difference is I have terminology and understanding to help me ride it out. All I needed in addition to this was other women who can truly relate. So I am glad you are here and I am here to listen if you need it.

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Originally Posted by Meg_s Watching this thread with interest. I have reason to believe that my mother is an undiagnosed Aspie..... and up until the day I cut contact with her altogether : I was continually and deeply hurt by her. From what I've read, she may not really have hated me my whole life, the way I'd always believed. I've been giving my sister information about it, hoping that if my mum finds out about it and can understand herself a little better, then her life can be easier. She does not know, and my father is somewhat abusive and blames her coldness for all of his issues. No one understands why she is the way she is, but after hours and hours of reading about what it is like to have Asperger's..... I really think that is her issue, if you can call it an issue... her reason for being the way she is.

Wow. That sounds like a real break through for you. I am really happy for you to have that. Welcome.

 

[beansavi]

When I had a miscarriage between my first two children's births, my dh did not speak to me or make eye contact for five days. He heard me howling and crying on the couch, and would not come to comfort me. It was the darkest week of my entire life.

How did he explain it years later? That is "the way he grieves". He withdraws into himself and the world be damned.

Coming to grips with that has been a long road. But forgiveness played a big part in it. I had to forgive him whole heartedly for my own health, KWIM?

When we had our dd, he argued with me during post-partum after pains that were as hard as contractions. Like, YELLED at me because he had his hands full with ds1 and I was begging for my pain medication and a glass of water.

Right before I took the herbal "cocktail" my midwife gave mine to go into labor with number three, a home birth, dh took sleeping pills and slept thru the whole labor...being woken up to run see the baby crowning. He was so fixated on his lack of sleep the night before, it was like he could NOT STOP himself from taking a sleeping pill, and he could not think about the fact that he was about to have a wife labor all over the house in a few hours.

Luckily, my midwife and friend gave me a nice, woman-centered birth and things were beautiful. Dh was really sweet postpartum and was embarrassed that he slept thru the labor. REALLY embarrassed.

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Originally Posted by ex-stasis We went through a similar rough period after DD was born. It was horrible. I was so scared that it was going to happen again after DS was born in April, but miraculously, it didn't. So I guess I don't really have any ideas, but I just want to put it out there that maybe it will be different this time simply because you and he are not going through the HUGE life change of becoming parents for the first time. You're already parents. Adding #2 isn't as life-changing as having your first... that's what I think happened with us, anyway. : I really struggle with this... mostly because it seems like my DH WANTS a close connection, but is unable to maintain it (or I am unable to maintain it in a way that works for him). I do feel lonely and useless a lot of the time... like why am I in this relationship again? Usually something reminds me, though, before it all becomes too hopeless. Has anyone read any books about being partnered to an aspie? I'm picking up Maxine C. Aston's books from the library this week.

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Originally Posted by pazerific that's a great question Meg s. my dh totally sees it for what it is--just a different kind of wiring that can at times make life somewhat challenging (but then, who doesn't have challeneges). now his mom otoh, we could never even talk about this with her because she would see it as us saying "there's something wrong with M." she would totally misinterpret what we would be saying, so we just don't go there with her. (just some quick background, MIL had a fit when we had dd assesed and enrolled in EI for some gross motor delay issues.) but your situation is quite different. we haven't lived with the realization that dh is an aspie for very long, but maybe some other ppl here would have some suggestions for you. i have another question that i hope doesn't get lost in the "i'm right, you're wrong" posts. (i think we all need something a little different, and with some understanding and patience we can all get it here.) when we had dd, dh had a really hard time with all of the "attention" i was getting. he felt jealous and left out at times. everyone talked to him too about how everything went, complimented him on being a great partner and having a beautiful dd that looked just like him. but isn't it a little understandable that after 3 days of labour and birthing a child that shredded my bottom (her hand was pressed to her forehead and elbow was thrown out away from her body when she was born--ouch) that ppl would want to baby me a little? we're TTC#2, and my biggest worry is that we'll go through all of that misunderstanding again. have any of you experienced something similar with your DPs? any helpful suggestions or hints on how to get through that more smoothly than we did last time? he was so wonderful, strong and selfless during the labor and birth. it's just the post-partum period that was a struggle for us.

 

[beansavi]

Sheesh. Well ain't this good timing. My darling husband has just had one of his "moments."

While I studied w/ ds1 and dd for their cumulative exams, dh was in charge of putting the toddler to bed. I had left a large box of Christmas presents on the bed (still in the shipping box) and had talked to him about how I looked thru it this afternoon to check and see if everything -all $261.00 worth of merchandise, spent from my savings account, some fragile) was there. I shopped early this year and got ahead of the game.

Well I just went back to nurse the toddler back down (we co-sleep) and the box is there...across the floor, on it's side with half the items spilled out of it. I asked him about it and he said the toddler was crying because he wanted me, not dh, and he only had one hand to get the box off out double bed. Couldn't push it over, couldn't lay on the other side of the bed, couldn't let it gently fall to the foot of the bed on the floor.... had to take one hand and yank it by the cardboard flap opening and throw it across the room.

Why? Because he said (and I quote), "You did not involve me in any of our Christmas shopping and so I did not know if anything in there was fragile."

Our Christmas shopping is not "over". I bought early with money I had left over from what I saved for school, and tried to make things easier for all of us so we could enjoy the season. I was thinking we could relax and not have to shop. we talked about this. I talked to him about everything on the list I wanted to buy (all online so he saw the items,too).

Bottom line, he just flipped out that he could not get on iTunes and the baby was screaming.

He did not look me in the eye once while he was blaming me. And he had that sam old smirk on his face.

I swear, even tho' the whole world can read this post, I don't care: I am not so sure I can remain married to someone who acts like this. I am speaking very nicely as to avoid UA violations right now!

 

[beansavi]

Hi Peatmom,

How did I react at first? Well, I wasn't sure how the box got like that, and I was afraid one of the kids got into it. So I asked dh about it, and he said he pulled it off the bed...and all the rest of the lovely comments I shared earlier.

Then how did I react? Without raising my voice (which took every fiber of my being), I told him that was a really immature thing to do and that it hurt my feelings. All this time he never looked at me, and made the comments about the shopping.

Gosh I am SO VENTING now! Arg! So much of what you said above is true and good for me to hear...again.

Just when I think I have accepted dh for who he is and how he partners and parents...he goes and does something really really hurtful and I start thinking I cannot-and will not- live a life like this any longer.

God, I mean, don't I deserve a man as my partner? How come no one told me he had an emotional and cognitive handicap? Why was I not able to see this important feature before getting into what sometimes feels like a tangled web with him?

So much of his aspie traits were disguised as endearing features when we were dating: getting every single Grateful Dead ticket for every single tour, tracking down specific shows and someone who owned the tape and going over and taping a copy from the guy and drinking a beer (pre-iTunes era), collecting thousands upon thousands of comic books....within weeks of discovering certain titles. I mean, this man went out to get me a breast pump right after ds1 was born, and was MIA for a while...at the comic book store! We are talking like a day after the birth and I was home alone, thirsty, crampy from birthing a 10.6 pounder....

kay. Vent done.

I am just feeling those lonely feelings right now. Like you said, I have three children, a husband, and I am a single mother. And the husband does more to undermine the flow and joy in this household than any child ever could. It would literally be easier to single parent my three children than to live with dh here. I know, because I have done it before. We separated for 18 months a few years ago over this stuff.

 

[beansavi]

PS Peat, I forgot to say "Thank you" for your support.

I appreciate you sharing your personal experiences so openly. It helped a LOT and I am deeply grateful.

 

[beansavi]

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Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie I've been there, too, Beansavi. And I wish I could say things as well as Peatmom... the utter self-absorption and complete focus on doing what they want to be doing is so difficult sometimes... I want to shake him and scream, "it isn't ALL ABOUT YOU!!! Wake up; you're part of a family!!!" The worst time of the year is coming up for me. I used to love, love, LOVE Christmas. But Christmas with DH is horrible... I have GOT to, somehow, find a way to give my expectations and make it what I want it to be for me and DD, maybe going completely around him if I have to, and having Christmas morning with friends or something. Hey! Lets rent a rustic victorian cottage for a day, and you bring your kids and I'll bring mine, and we'll leave our DHs at home on Christmas day to play WoW or Itunes or whatever it is they really would rather be doing, and we'll open presents by the fire and sip wine and watch our kids laugh and play.

"Wake up!" is a mantra around here, lately.

:

OMG I will SO meet you in that cottage! Count me in!

 

[beansavi]

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Originally Posted by flutemandolin *subbing* I have seen my dh in more than one of the few posts I read! In fact, my exact words to him last night were "IT ISN'T ALL ABOUT YOU!" More later when I catch up.

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Originally Posted by Trinitty : How interesting. It's something I wondered about years ago. I don't like "labels" but this is really really interesting reading. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Trin.

Hi and welcome.

I can vouch for labeling in this sense: it has helped me validate my experiences with dh beyond just feeling confused... kwim?

 

[beansavi]

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Originally Posted by peatmom Some may find such a revelation depressing. I find it liberating and inspiring. (Today, anyway ).

yep, me, too.

 

[beansavi]

Hi Deva, thanks for giving us a glimpse into the other perspective while still supporting our little group venture here.

I appreciate both!

BTW, I am certain you are not "stupid". Life can be hard for everyone at some point, and some us just have a very clear picture of exactly what it is we need to work through in life, kwim? I am feeling at peace with it all... for today, at least.

 

[beansavi]

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Originally Posted by momma4fun Hey everybody. I keep on wanting to come in here and post and then I begin and soon realize it'll be way too long and emotional of a post when I have so many other things on my plate, such as being a seemingly single mother to my 3 daughters aged 7, 2 and 1, and being my own support system on top of dealing with dh. (Do you ever think that if you could just get rid of your emotions that life would be better with your Aspie? And then get miserable thinking what kind of life that would be for you and the kids?) I will keep on reading. I'm just so overwhelmed right now with lack of support. I'm beginning to see a therapist for depression this week and I'm not sure how much she knows about AS, so we'll see, but yeah: There's such a lack of support for us it seems!!!! Oh and how do you deal with telling your kids? My 7 year old gets SOOO frustrated and hurt (emotionally) by dad sometimes. Normally I try to remain calm for her and distract her and tell DH he needs to go apologize immediately (and he usually does). But today I realized I needed to break it to her when she cried about how "stupid boys are" after he was short with her. I TOLD HER THAT DAD IS DIFFERENTLY ABLED and doesn't understand things the way we do. I'm shocked that it has come to this (not that it's a bad thing) but it's just not anything I ever expected to have to handle in life. That was pretty much all I said, I'm going to leave it to her to ask questions in the future as she processes it (that's my general teaching style with the girls, introducing the basics through real life experiences and then further describing/naming things as their curiosity arises)...... What would you have done/have you done in your situation? Would you be more open about it from the get go? (Keep in mind we only discovered AS recently).

I definitely educate my kids about Asperger's and borderline aspies. It has helped tremendously with them NOT taking his behavior so personally. It helps them feel less confused, and to also love him for who he is...which is a great trait to have in the long run, I guess.

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Originally Posted by happyhippimama WOW. I clicked on this thread because I wondered what aspies was. It's funny. DH and I have both talked several times about aspergers and it being very close to HIM, kwim. I guess it's gonna take me a while to read all of these post. Thank you for starting it mama.

Thanks for chiming in!

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Originally Posted by ex-stasis We are currently enduring another "episode". It seems like our major issue is DH's sleeping problems. He has a really big problem getting to bed at night and will sometimes (frequently, in the past, but thankfully not so much now that he has to go to work outside the home) stay up all night. For some reason he thinks that it is my responsibility to "help" him go to bed at night. I find this extremely frustrating because he is not nice about it at all. he fights me tooth and nail. He basically calls me stupid for not being able to do this successfully. Last night as I was trying to coax him to go to bed after watching a bit of TV, he totally pulled away from me (total rejection it felt like) and then started the speech that is too familiar lately about how "short-sighted" I am. When i said something in response to that he laughed and then I started to cry. So this morning we are dealing with fallout. DH's way of dealing is to not talk. He is currently curled up in bed pretending none of us exist. I'm so tired of DH's sleep being my responsibility. Why is it my responsibility? I understand that I need to put my two year old and my 6mo to bed and help them get to sleep, but why do I have to put my DH to bed too?! It is totally insane. I started reading "An Asperger Marriage" yesterday and I found another message board called "AS ans relationships that work" on which the AS husband from the book posts help for people who ask questions on the board. He is quite helpful, it seems... but I just can't do anything with DH when he is in recluse-mode. Can anyone relate to this? Sigh.

My dh does not do the sleep thing, but he goes way into recluse mode and will hurt your feelings if you even suggest he come out of it. MAN I wish I knew all of this earlier in our marriage!

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Originally Posted by Pynki I do lots of things without my husband. I've recently come to realize that HE doesn't need the interaction. So me making him go isn't really helping anyone, and just makes me tense and frustrated.

Wow! Me, too! It sounds like you have found your peace and adapted and accepted him... though sometimes it still makes me feel lonely that i don't have my beau on my arm when others do. I wanna show him off, ya' know? But he can embarass me by insulting others thru he body language...so I guess I choose the lesser of two evils. I have to say he has improved a lot. the only prob we had a t a party Sat nite was dh did not look after the toddler (our third kid) and let him wander all over. Once I accepted that i was in charge of the toddler, everything else was fine. But he talked to other people...and not to me!

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Originally Posted by momma earthical Only one ............ OMG you're married to my husband!!!!!!!! Subbing, will come back to read and write more later. Thank you, thank you, thank you, OP!!!!!!!

Thank you.

You guys are saving my life. I swear.

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Originally Posted by peatmom Yep. Well, come get him then ... it's your turn to find his keys!

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Originally Posted by captain crunchy That is so *us* Today was fun though -- you know I do thank God for the fact that our sense of humor (mine and dh) meshes so well together because we find a lot of stress relief, understanding, and connection through our humor.

Yes! Thank God for a sense of humor!

THAT WAS FREAKING HILARIOUS.

 

[beansavi]

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Originally Posted by Pynki Well, I've known my husband since I was 10 yrs old, and he was 9. I've known him forever. I've always just accepted that's who he is, and how he is. The 1st time a read an article about Asperger's when our oldest was under a yr (he's 9 now) I was like, WOW! That was sooo my DH when he was a kid! It totally all made sense. I do miss him being out with me, and he too has gotten better over the years. Like when we 1st started dating he would sit on the couch in the corner and just sit. Not talk to anyone. If someone tried to strike up a conversation with him he'd answer in one or two word answers. Now he will talk with people he doesn't know, or people he's just met. A lot of people don't see what a HUGE improvement that is. They just see him as a jackass who's ignoring his kids, and being rude to his wife. It makes me sad that other people can't see why I think he's so great.

I am right there with ya'. I could have written that post, myself.

I think we perhaps need to pat ourselves on the back for being really good at seeing through all of the anti-social behavior, into the heart of our man, and loving him unconditionally. I mean, this is the type of thing yogis dedicate their lives to, right?

 

[beansavi]

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Originally Posted by captain crunchy I was wondering how do you all handle this dichotomy (if you experience it in your partnership) I want an equal marriage and in many ways we are equal in terms of intelligence, sense of humor, talent (well maybe not that, he is a genius musically ) --- but I wrote about this in a previous post -- On one hand my husband really seems to rely on me to *navigate* his life as I call it. He always asks me "what he should do" or "how he should handle X, Y or Z" and while I am happy to help -- I feel as though we fall into a role of parent/child a lot and I don't like that!

OMG YES! this is my number one issue with dh. We talk about it a lot. I tell him that it is mentally (and eventually physically and emotionally) exhausting to have to do that on top of guiding the lives of our three children, run the household, and attend graduate school. Even if I did not have all of these things, he needs to practice thinking for himself, for his own good.

Here is a typical scenario:

ME: Squatting on floor untangling dog and leash from around toddler legs while instructing my eldest son on how to do the nines times tables, and asking dd to turn down her music.

DH: Where is the hairbrush? I looked in the bedroom and can't find it.

ME: Look in all the usual places, you know we keep it (a- on the linen closet shelf or b- in basket on back of toilet)

DH: I don't know those places, just tell me where to look!

TODDLER: Wah wah wah bla bla bla *pulls mommy's hair* and laughs

DOG: Yelps because is choking in the collar wrapped around baby's legs

ME: You know each place to look...I can't verbalize...right...now

SON: "What did you say? What is nine times eight?"

DH: (loudly yelling) Just tell me where to look for the brush!

(PS: Our house is one floor and small).

ME: I am not going to do your thinking for you! Learn to stop and be patient enough to go over the places where we keep it in your head and go look there

TODDLER: Mama? Cup cup? (nurse)

DH: *goes to closet, open door, pulls out brush*

Doesn't say a word that he found it...or thank you... or anything...just walks off with the brush to leave it in some random corner of the house when he is done.

ME:

:

 

[beansavi]

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Originally Posted by peatmom Okay, I'm too *insert adjective* to multi-quote y'all, but ... BEANSAVI! Is there a video camera in my house?!?! The brush scenario (and wallet/keys/daytimer scenario) happens almost verbatim over here on a daily basis! Seriously, people who have not been there cannot really imagine the hilarious picture of a grown woman, struggling with a toddler and a dog, with two other children in the background, attempting to give GPS-like directions to her totally frustrated adult partner so that he can navigate around a one-story single family home looking for his own belongings (which he usually had in his hands just a few minutes prior to the emergency search)! And WE think it's NORMAL! Which it is, of course, for us. I don't think it's codependent, either, btw - it's just part of living with a partner who is differently abled in this way.

...

...

:...

:

Thanks, Peatmom. Oh man I really needed that perspective! You rock.

 

[beansavi]

nak

hi karenemt

i want to reply after i get my kids off the bus and settled!

welcome!

 

[beansavi]

Hi flute,

I think half of the "working it out" rests in our dp's laps. I can state things calmly, provide examples, or yell...but it was not until we risked breaking up that dh took what i was saying seriously.

I pulled things up on the Internet for him to read and when he saw himself in a lot of the examples and me in a lot of the spousal examples, he saw the light. being an aspie is still a struggle for him, but MOST of the time he pulls his end of the load, meaning he knows that when I say "you're being THAT way", he stops and admits it. His ego was a big thing to get over in this, but the kids and I are worth more to him, thankfully.

Welcome and I am glad you stopped lurking. I appreciate you sharing your story. I know it took a lot of courage and generosity to do that.

I have to run off to school but will try to comment some more later tonight on this and a couple other posts that have been made lately. Thanks everyone for being so candid and helpful. I am glad we all have each other!

 

[beansavi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie Does anyone know of a kind, compassionate article describing what its like to be an adult Aspie from an Aspie's point of view that I could share with DH? He is so conflicted between trying to meet his needs and trying to meet the needs of his family and he varies between being so angry at us and so angry at himself.

Good question, Bellie. Thanks.

 

[beansavi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie Nobody's ever called me Bellie before! Thanks, Beanie

No probs, Bellie.