[SquibsNCrackers]

Hmmm. I've sometimes wondered if my dp's behavior could be explained by an autism spectrum disorder/Asperger's diagnosis. He's seldom described as rude or cold, but he does have difficulty reading subtle cues or detecting other's emotional states. He is also totally unable to look around and see what needs to be done to assist another or accomplish a common goal (or often to accomplish his own individual goals). If asked/told what to do he will do it (usually somewhat willingly), but he just cannot "see" or "notice" what to do to help (around house, with kids, in partnership, etc.). I used to think he was self-centered, uncaring and/or passive aggressive. I put it down to his being an only child, a "late bloomer," single into his 40's, disoriented by marriage and children. I thought it was a sexist thing, a generational thing. But in 14 years I've come to see that he literally can't see or hear what I see and hear. If a child is crying, he isn't torn up inside. If the children don't ask him for food or water he doesn't offer it to them unless he gets hungry or thirsty. If he has to take the kids somewhere, everything they need has to be handed to him because he won't think of it on his own. He needs/craves order but can't create/provide it for himself. He's made miserable and stressed by the mess in our house but he can't see what to do to fix it. When he does try to clean up he usually makes it worse. He can't tolerate overstimulation of any kind. He can't run simple errands without lots of instructions and reminders. Yet if you were to meet him, he looks and acts "normal" enough. Most people find him to be friendly, open and likable. Maybe a little tactless or naive, but I don't think he strikes people as pathological in any way. My friends are used to him now and are often astonished by his behavior as a partner/father, but always tell me they don't think it's mean or personal (!!!!!). I don't feel like I'm describing the situation adequately, but don't want to go on and on (oops I already have).

He works by himself and for himself, is actually in a healing profession and is committed to helping others through his work. His clients love him, find him to be sensitive and compassionate, though they are aware that he will "say anything to anybody" and seems oblivious to others' judgment or disapproval (maybe he's enlightened

?).

He's a good breadwinner. He takes excellent care of his own person and health. He functions well as long as he has a lot of support, meaning a host of specific physical needs have to be met before he can go out and win the bread, and I have to run all administrative aspects of our home and business life. He doesn't "get" holidays, birthdays, family get-togethers at all. He tolerates them but withdraws while we're preparing for them and rarely enjoys them.

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm just complaining about an unsupportive spouse and belittling the real suffering of those with Asperger's by suggesting dp has it or something similar. I just can't shake the conviction that there is REALLY something different about his brain and his perceptions when it comes to connecting/working/living intimately with other people.

Any comments?

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Thank you for pointing that out to me. I apologize for my ignorance and any hurt or disrespect felt by readers of my post.

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

My dh is neither an a*hole nor a jerk. He is gentle, sweet and kind. He is talented, gifted and committed to his family.

He is just really, really hard to live with if I expect him to behave in certain ways that many people consider "normal." I've lived with a number of adults in a number of different life situations, and have never before encountered anyone as apparently oblivious to group or partnership needs as he is. ANYTHING I want done in terms of parenting, housekeeping, or relationship nurturing has to be spelled out specifically and repeatedly in a direct request. It is actually good practice for all relationships to make those specific, direct requests, but even after more than a decade of partnering and parenting, there are few things I can count on him to do spontaneously without a specific request. This is not an "I do everything and my jerk of a spouse does nothing" kind of thing (though I know that feeling). This is not him being manipulative or passive aggressive (though I sure thought so in the beginning). This is my accepting certain things about him and adjusting accordingly.

I'm not sure how I think a diagnosis would help. He went to a developmental specialist a year ago who assesses and treats visual processing deficits, and refers people for auditory processing deficit assessment and treatment. I asked him to go because a friend whose son exhibits many of the same behaviors as my dh had been assessed and treated there with positive results. He did the assessment and the woman told him, "you're fine." When I talked to her, she said, "Of course his results revealed dysfunction, but what's the point of telling a 50-something-year-old, successful, highly functioning person he has sensory deficits? He's obviously coping well, and we treat children, not adults."

Maybe she's right. I just would sometimes like to talk to someone else who understands how different (not necessarily "bad" different) it is to be partnered with someone who can't do a number of things I would really like to be able to expect him to do.

When my friend's ds, who has a lot of behaviors similar to my dh's, grows up and partners up, I'd be more than happy to share with his dp some tips on how to cohabitate with these behaviors, especially when it comes to parenting (if h/she asked, of course).

I also wonder how to talk to my dc, especially ds, about some of dh's behaviors.

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Queen of Cups It has helped, but I still can't help feeling rejected that he never asks how I am or notices when I need help or offers any love or support without me specifically asking - but I am getting better about saying "hey! I really could use a hug and some support, I've having a tough day and that's why I'm crying right now." And, of course, part of me always wonders if I'm just a super-needy-totally-annoying bitch to want/need so much more attention than he's able to give.

Yep. That's just how I feel. And that's just what I wonder. We were in marriage counseling once and were referred to this MD who assessed environmental allergies (!??!?!,btw). She met us, assessed us, and then told me (in front of him), "this man will never hear you or see you the way you need to be seen and heard." He was totally unfazed by her comment. I was offended. I thought she was either judging him as inadequate or judging me as needy. Now I think she was just making an objective assessment of our neurological differences.

:

Also, you wrote: "I'm sure its helped that he's always been really freaking attractive!"

Yep to that too.

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

*

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Oh, beansavi. I have so been there right where you are. "He/she's crying. He/she only wants you." How many times have I heard that while nursing, comforting, dressing, wiping, practicing violin with, or carrying in from the car another of our three children? And since he/she only wants me, off goes dh to do something for himself (like snack or read the paper or bounce on the trampoline) while baby/toddler/child cries on unattended, often alone on a bed in a dark room or bathroom!

Three children is so many when the buck stops with you day after day, night after night. This is why we won't be having any more, plus the fact that I don't think I could physically survive another postpartum period with dh, plus the fact that we'd have to pawn the dog to meet our budget.

And your box of gifts shoved off the bed, so carefully selected, and early at that ... I'm so sorry.

My dh, to whom "things" can sometimes be soooooo important, could easily have done something similar. And then I would have heard something like, "Well, why'd you leave it on the bed in the first place if it's so important? And how much did you spend, anyway? How are we going to pay off our debt? You said you'd fold the laundry today."

Some people might say, "So he dumped the box, what's the big deal? He's stressed, the baby was stressed, he lost it - give him a break." And that's one way to look at it. And sometimes I can look at it that way. But when all the little disconnects and "can'ts/won'ts" build up and I haven't had a break for days on end, I can't see anything but that I'm on my own here and I feel like a single parent of 3 children and an adult. I get where your anger is coming from.

FWIW, I think my dh gets stressed because he WANTS to comfort dc but doesn't know how and can't understand why he can't or why they won't be comforted and this hurts and frustrates him (of course you can't see any of this on the outside nor does he express it verbally) to the point where he shuts down, tunes out, and makes weird, inappropriate comments which usually sound like criticism, judgment and blame. Sometimes these comments are directed at the kids, sometimes at me. Then he doesn't connect his comments to my/their being upset. He suggests maybe I'm tired or hungry or need to exercise! Hey, maybe I do. But the kids still need to be wiped, held, nursed, fed, put to bed, etc. etc. etc. so if we could do it TOGETHER, like PARTNERS, it MIGHT give me time to recharge my batteries so I'm not so reactive, KWIM? Bottom line, though, is that doing it like partners is just an idea in my head. If I don't drop that idea and realize that we are doing it like partners and this is what partnering with him looks like, I'm going to an early grave.

:

I AM sorry you're feeling this way. I'm wondering - if you don't mind sharing - how did you react? Did you calmly pick up the box and its contents, then lie down and nurse the baby to sleep? Or did you lose it? Or is there another option?

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trinitty : How interesting. It's something I wondered about years ago. I don't like "labels" but this is really really interesting reading. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Trin.

Yep, I'm not keen on labels, either. And, at this stage of the game, dh is not likely to spend time, money and energy on acquiring an official label. Nor do I see any benefit for him or us in doing so.

Still, like you, this is something I've wondered about for some time. Reading the posts here and on previous "aspie" posts and on other "aspie partner" boards, I am blown away by the feelings of recognition and identification they evoke. After years of trying to figure out what's going on, and feeling strongly that there was something I was just NOT getting, I feel a great sense of relief in having a vocabulary to describe my experience, and validation that others have experienced the same things. And it really does seem like the SAME things - not just similar, the same!! Weird!

Some may find such a revelation depressing. I find it liberating and inspiring. (Today, anyway

).

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Quote:

Originally Posted by merpk I thought it was only me.

Yep.

Quote:

Originally Posted by momma earthical Only one ............ OMG you're married to my husband!!!!!!!!

Well, come get him then ... it's your turn to find his keys!

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Okay, I'm too *insert adjective* to multi-quote y'all, but ...

BEANSAVI! Is there a video camera in my house?!?! The brush scenario (and wallet/keys/daytimer scenario) happens almost verbatim over here on a daily basis! Seriously, people who have not been there cannot really imagine the hilarious picture of a grown woman, struggling with a toddler and a dog, with two other children in the background, attempting to give GPS-like directions to her totally frustrated adult partner so that he can navigate around a one-story single family home looking for his own belongings (which he usually had in his hands just a few minutes prior to the emergency search)! And WE think it's NORMAL!

Which it is, of course, for us. I don't think it's codependent, either, btw - it's just part of living with a partner who is differently abled in this way.

On the other hand, as ex-stasis notes, with specific instructions, lists and planning ahead of time, dh can and will take on more responsibilities. You just can't take much for granted. And heaven forbid life with three children and a bundle of pets should bring any unforeseen upsets to the schedule!

Quote:

Originally Posted by captain crunchy ...because I feel as though we are frequently either in a state of "you are being too controlling or "why don't you help me run my life" (although he doesn't say those exact words).

Yep. This seems especially difficult in our situation, where he is 14 years older than I AND the primary breadwinner. It seems more "natural" to him for him to be in charge of a lot of things (at home and in business), but he isn't able to be in charge of really, anything, that extends beyond his own person. It's weird (so articulate, eh?). I know what you mean. The way we handle it is like this: I try not to jump in and help him with things unless he asks (this is hard - for BOTH of us - often he gets mad because I'm not helping him even though he hasn't asked - often he denies this ever happened ... after the "problem" is solved). Then, if/when he asks, I "try" to elicit specific information from him about what aspects of a given situation he needs/wants help with. I try to find out what specific things I can do to support him in doing something rather than doing it for him. I only completely take over if he asks me to (or if I lose it because it is something urgent relating to an important need of mine or the kids or us as an entire family or our business

o.k. so it happens

. Is it a lot of work to communicate this way about routine tasks other couples seem to take for granted? Um, yes. Is it really similar to the way one communicates with a toddler? Um, yes. No condescension intended ... just the facts, ma'am.

Pynki - you wrote "They just see him as a jackass who's ignoring his kids, and being rude to his wife.

It makes me sad that other people can't see why I think he's so great."

Yep. I posted a story here about our son's stillbirth that speaks to the way others see dh. I took it down because it didn't feel right at the time. Today is the 9th anniversary of our son's birth/death. Maybe I'll post the story later. Maybe not.

You women are a great support. It's amazing to me how just a little reminder that others share the same challenges can brighten the day and relieve the overwhelm. Usually I just feel like there's got to be an easier way and it's up to me to figure out a way to solve something that really can't be solved, as it's simply the way things are (though I do think we can discover strategies to make things run more smoothly ... sometimes).

Thanks for sharing.

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

My DH decided to look for a mate because people kept telling him he should try living like everybody else. Seemed like a good idea at the time. He definitely thinks (reports) he was happier without a wife or family. His life was easier, freer, and more comfortable. He felt better about himself and the world. He had more inner peace and contentment, not to mention more money and time. That said (!) , he's in this marriage/family for the long haul. He wants it to be "harmonious and peaceful," but he has little idea how he could have anything to do with making it that way. His basic orientation to relationship challenges is "It has nothing to do with me" and/or "There's nothing I can do about it."

In his way, he loves me and he loves our children. He just can't understand what there is to living with others beyond us each pursuing our own interests in somewhat close proximity to one another. In child development terms, he's all about parallel play. Okay, I'm stating it kind of strongly. Obviously the situation is a wee bit more complex than this. Still, it often seems to boil down to "he'd be happier on his own but he likes having us around as long as we're not unhappy with him." (and the house is clean and quiet)

What does my dh want out of a relationship? Support, kindness, warmth, sex, respect, and freedom. Those are all okay with me. Oh wait, he also forgot/didn't know that out of a marital relationship he also wants a full-time housekeeper, nanny, and business manager who's frugal, physically fit, eats only raw food, and meditates.

:

Who does he want to be in relationship with? Mostly he tells me he wants somebody nice, sweet, and kind who's also frugal, fit and vegetarian.

Guess what? (as my kids say) CHICKEN BUTT!!!!!

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Quote:

Originally Posted by beansavi I am getting ready to go overseas until Christmas

WHAT!?!?!? Bellie's Victorian cottage is overseas? I want to come too.

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie You can come, Peatie. We'll have a nice warm fire in the fireplace going for you when you get here. Bring some marshmallows.

Count me in.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ex-stasis And correct me if I'm wrong, but if it wasn't for *everything else* that goes on in your relationship, you probably would have taken it as a joke and all would have been just fine. That's the way it would have been for me, had DH done something like that. It's not the specific comments, it's the specific comments and everything else from day-to-day life. And then when you get upset about a specific comment it's made out to be like you're getting upset over NOTHING, and you're crazy. Yep.

YES. YES. YES. YES. YES.

:

Does anyone else's dp complain about the same tiny detail over and over and over again, using almost exactly the same words over and over? AND if the situation about which he's complaining is remedied, he says NOTHING and doesn't even appear to notice the correction?

Aargh. Feeling cushion-less over here.

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Just wanted to say hi, and check in a bit.

Holidays are difficult for dp and me. Today is going "just okay." He came home grumpy last night and is pretty disconnected this morning. I'm feeling tired and worn out from dealing with my mom (who is facing the loss of her independence) so am not the most gracious or patient person right now either.

Fortunately, everything is ready for us to go to my sister's tonight, and the kitchen is clean!

This is the beginning of a long stretch of celebrations for us, and I'm gearing up for a lot of lonely, exhausting effort. (

Crummy attitude? Celebration = lonely, exhausting effort?!?! Something is wrong with this picture!!)

Here's to breathing, taking things slowly and having NO expectations.

P.S. The kids want a third dog (a stray my mom found) ... I need another responsibility, right?

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Hi Spring Flower,

I don't know if my dh is on the spectrum or not. Like your dh, he exhibits some traits but not all. He has looked at descriptions/traits/online tests and agrees that the general shoe seems to generally fit.

What is meaningful to me is that on this thread and the one that preceded it, as well as on other aspie partner forums I've looked at online, I have found a group of people coping/living with a person who behaves like my spouse. I have read descriptions that caused me to laugh out loud or burst into tears as I recognized myself, my dh or our situation. IRL I have one friend who can relate to what I experience in my marriage with regard to a seeming lack of "partnering" skills/behaviors. Everyone else just shakes her head and wonders why I "put up with it." One thing that's hard for others to understand, and easy for people here to understand, is that the behaviors that make him a challenging partner are related essentially to Who He Is. No amount of counseling, personal growth, insight, conversation, acquisition of information is going to change these things that seem to be hard-wired. It's like the analogy of trying to teach a cat to bark. It's hard on you. It's hard on the cat. And why would you want the cat to bark anyway? Love the cat. If you need a dog, get a dog, but don't blame the cat because it's not a dog. Okay, I'm rambling and likely posting something flammable so I'd better stop.

As to how I cope ... hmmm. Not very well, sometimes. Not very well looks like crying, irritable, disgusted, yelling, avoiding him, fantasizing about divorce. Pretty well, sometimes. Pretty well looks like accepting everything on my plate, getting things done cheerfully without expecting his help or participation, having a good sense of humor, making him reminder notes, lists and directions for everything he needs help with, helping him get his "minimum requirements to be functional" met, looking for places in the schedule where I can reduce multi-tasking to avoid overwhelm, exercising, eating well, going to bed early, getting up early, and seeing him as my one-man, one-way ticket to enlightenment.

Oh, and I also really seek and receive a lot of support from friends, both male and female. If I have a need (for physical/emotional/intellectual support ... um, not sexual) I can't get met at home, I see if I can't get it met with friends or family.

Short version: Expect nothing. Appreciate everything. Work on my own stuff. (Good advice for life I know, it's just that with a partner like mine, it's a question of survival ... and sometimes I'm not surviving very well.)

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

to you, ndigiorgio!

ex-stasis - I'm going to check out the Asperger's and Long Term Relationships book you recommended. You also posted recently about the Asperger Marriage book. I haven't read that one, either, but am curious. How would you compare the two books?

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Thanks for the scoop!

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KarenEMT It's like I can either suck it up and live with it, or get out and live with it anyhow because I'd have to share parenting with him. I can't escape it at any rate.

I feel like this a lot.

Wish I had some words of wisdom.

In my case, when I think of divorced co-parenting, there are safety issues with regard to them being alone with him for extended periods of time that pretty much stop me in my tracks. Not abuse issues, more neglect/denial of danger issues. I keep meaning to post about this, but haven't had time yet.

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KarenEMT I feel exactly as you do about divorced co-parenting, except my DH can indeed be verbally abusive, especially to DS#1. I only now leave him alone with the kids (because DS#1 although on spectrum is much more responsible and now 13), because years ago he left DS#1 alone in his crib and left the house one time - just completely oblivious to the dangers - luckily my mom across the street saw him drive off and came right over (this was 13 yrs ago and I still shake thinking of it!). When I was upstairs sick one time, he was engrossed in doing something to his computer and DS#1 was 2 and emptied almost the entire refrigerator onto the floor and all over himself. He would just fall asleep whenever he's tired, whether the little ones are watched or not. He'd also let the kids eat Twizzlers for dinner, drink 8 sodas a night, and sit glued to some screen for hours if it meant quiet for him. Sigh.

KarenEMT. I have had similar shocks to the first one you described. When I read your post I thought, "if I post about any of the incidents with my dh and dc, somebody here is going to want to call CPS." Actually, I'm chickening out. Maybe I'll pm you the details. Maybe it will be right to post publicly some other time. Anyone reading this will just have to take my word for it that dh's self-absorbed, spaced out behavior has seriously compromised dc's physical safety on a number of occasions.

Here's a pretty tame incident. I came home from the store recently to find him on the roof cleaning out the rain gutters with all three children (12, 7 and 5). Very continuum concept, yes, but ... that's not why he thought it was okay. Nor did he think it was okay because he was, like, "holding" them in his woo-woo etheric force field of super-dad consciousness. He just thought, "hey I liked getting on the roof when I was a kid, I like getting on the roof now, they want to get on the roof with me, let's get on the roof." Then he promptly put his attention on cleaning out the gutters. He is not a multi-tasker (understatement). He couldn't see why I was not okay with them being on the roof. PART of the reason I was not okay with it is that history which I am not detailing here of him NOT holding them or their safety as a priority. Sigh. FTR, I did not freak out, as I do "get" the continuum business and did not want to freak THEM out. Anyway.

Bike helmets, car seats, holding hands in the street, avoiding choking hazards, avoiding fire and sharp knives, not leaving them alone, not leaving them at the just-introduced neighbor's house, not leaving them asleep in the car, not leaving them alone in the bath ... all these are things I've had to struggle to get him to take seriously or consider at all. And if he doesn't understand the "why" or agree with it, trust me, he's not going to do it consistently whether it's the law or not.

Co-parenting with my dh is like being a single mom. I have to be vigilant for both of us. I have to get childcare most of the time if I need to leave, whether he is available or not. I don't let him take them by himself anywhere there's a body of water, large crowds, or anything distracting (like the CD section at Border's). The few times I have done, I was sick with worry the entire time and swore never to do it again, even though they came home safely each time.

Also, though he's not verbally abusive, dh can't mediate or resolve a conflict between himself and dc or between dc and each other. He relates to them like he's their age. When I hear them arguing from another room, he sounds like another kid. He gets just as frustrated and is just as unable to see how to get two separate people's needs met. When they cry, he shuts down and just walks away. If they have tantrums, he just leaves them laying on the floor screaming and goes about his business. If they were to hit him, he just might hit them back. Not as a punishment, but as an equal and opposite reaction. Yes, I know that would be child abuse. I'm not saying he hits them. I'm trying to describe how he doesn't act like an adult with them, and maybe I'm not putting it well. Actually, I'm kind of freaked out about posting on this topic. It's a little too close to "holy sh*t why am I staying with this man" and I'm trying to stay out of that space.

ONE of the reasons I stay with him is that if I divorced him, any judge would give him shared custody, with liberal amounts of time I would have to leave them alone with him unsupervised. No one would listen to me about the safety issues until or unless some kind of accident or tragedy occurred, and then it would be too late. My friends could back up my stories till they were blue in the face, but it would be of zero interest to the court.

Feeling nauseous now that I think of all the times my children were in danger because he couldn't take his focus of himself and behave like an adult.

Squibs,
the mama formerly known here as peatmom or "peatie"

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Thanks, beansavi, for shepherding the thread to safety.

sbgrace - hi! My dh is as you described. There are things I won't post here because it makes him sound like a bad dad, when really he's a differently-abled dad and for their safety I have to plan around his differently-abledness. Bottom line is, I ask friends and family to help out with dc if I need to be away for very long, whether or not dh is home/available. He is totally okay with this, btw ... not the least bit embarrassed or annoyed (unless we have to pay for the support).

"Charging out of the bathroom" (after having left kids and dh alone for 10 minutes and suddenly everyone is crying/screaming) doesn't happen so much now that dc are bigger, but I've totally BTDT.

Now dc call me on the cell phone while I'm running errands to tell me what isn't working at home. Dh doesn't mind. He takes the phone when they hand it to him, and I mediate conflicts and simple meal or clothing related decisions while driving/shopping/errand-running. Talk about a safety issue!! I should just stay home all the time.

My dh also doesn't tell me when he leaves the house, and he doesn't tell 12yo dd when he leaves the house if she and he are the only ones home. Thank heaven for cell phones. Without cell phones I'd be tied to my house 24/7! Also, he often doesn't end phone conversations with "good-bye". He just hangs up when he's done talking. We have, of course, talked about this and he does make an effort. Probably more than half the time now he'll say good-bye when he leaves, and if we're both home with the kids he'll come and announce he's going to run an errand vs. just disappearing.

It is frustrating, though, and it does frequently feel like it's easier when he's not home. I'm working (STILL!!!

) on adjusting my expectations. For example, if I'm home alone with my 5yo and need to get recital clothes, snacks, water, still camera, video camera, pajamas, birthday invitations, Christmas gifts for teachers together plus shower/change, feed the dogs, check that all the doors and gates are dog-proof in the space of 45 minutes before leaving on a 50 mile drive to my kids' music recital, I cope, don't I? I don't expect 5yo ds to help much, and if he helps at all I'm thrilled and appreciative, and we get what needs to be done done and we're out the door to pick up his sisters with no drama. But if dh is home, sitting on a bench going through the mail for the entire 45 minutes that I'm doing that, and then has to run in and out of the house three times for things he wants to take along before we can leave, then mumble under his breath about how we're going to be late or drive 10 miles under the speed limit in order to save gas, I'm furious and stressed. Why? Because there's this illusion that a perfectly able-bodied adult is available who could lend a hand to get ready for HIS kids' recital! But it's just an illusion. After 12 years of co-parenting, I. KNOW. THIS. The urgency of hurrying, the overwhelm of too many things planned in one day, the too-short transition time from his work to leaving for the recital all cause him to shut down (or become downright obstructive, depending on how calm/not so calm my behavior is).

It is hard, even if I understand it, and even if I should know what to expect by now.

And, when I re-read the above, it sounds whiny and trivial. I think, though, that those reading here know how the stress builds up day after day, dealing with the most mundane or trivial situations as if one's partner isn't there, or on one's own and in spite of one's partner, instead of pulling together as a team.

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thao I have adjusted my vision for my future, from the stereotypical American dream of hubby and wife being "best friends" to an arrangement where he is not around as much but we both support each other in our dreams and endeavors and I get my immediate social support or satisfaction elsewhere, from an occupation or school or something.

YES, this and everything else you wrote. My dh too is a great provider. And I had fully expected to continue with my career whether or not we had children. HE liked the idea of providing so I could say home. He said, "I'd like to support you so you can write and have babies." (Swoon.) I was charmed by the juxtaposition of the two ideas, writing and having babies.

I had NO idea that his SAH/Writer mom picture was of a devoted housekeeper and frugal home manager who wouldn't mind picking up after him, fixing him special foods, running his business and hosting large, frequent events for one of his many favorite causes (in addition to writing and having babies, whatever that meant, which was very little to him). HE had no idea that my picture was of a woman who makes babies, births babies, nurses babies, plays with babies, homeschools babies and writes. (And who carries a lot of painful historical baggage when it comes to housekeeping.

)

Still we've made our way through 15 years together, and, as you say, we're more about supporting each other as fellow travelers than we are about vibrating as one passionate, blissed-out string on the violin of life. I too have a strong network of people from whom I receive social/emotional support and satisfaction. He does not, and that's okay by him. Many of those in my network, however, do not understand why I "tolerate" his apparently un-partnerish behavior, which is why I'm grateful to have this thread.

Where I could really improve is in the simplified life department.

:
Also, STILL, in the realistic expectations department. I look forward to more inspiration and reminders here with you mamas (and papas?).