[Pynki]

My husband and I believe he has aspergers. He blogged about it on my blog a couple weeks ago to give people an idea of how he feels.

I had someone tell me they think it's BS that I am excusing his bad behavior because he's just a jerk. She talked with HER councellor about it, and her therapist agreed with her. Besides their husband works with someone with Aspergers and he's very sweet and polite.

*sigh* Yeah, the fact that my huband's family uses snark and sarcasm as a way of communicating couldn't POSSIBLY make my husband seem like a jerk since SOOOOOOOOOO much of that type of communication is about reading people.

So, sometimes he seems like a jerk. It really bugs me. He is a very loving guy... in his own way. He feels things, he just isn't that good at seeing that I too feel things. Or that his mom feels things. Or his dad, or his brother.

 

[Pynki]

My husband shuts down, quite literally, when I'm in labor and delivery, or he's cracking jokes when it SOOOO isn't the time.

We discovered this after our second child was born and he was my only support person. It didn't go well. So, I have a friend come with me during birth now. I make him be there for my physically, but he can't handle it emotionally, and I can see it was unfair of me to expect him to .

 

[Pynki]

Quote:

Originally Posted by beansavi Welcome. If it helps at all (though maybe only a tiny bit), I am here for you. I can listen, compare experiences, or just talk about chocolate pudding. Whatever.

Thank-you. To make it that much worse for me, that woman was a friend of mine, as close to me as a sister. It literally tore me up inside.

I find I am REALLY protective of my husband with this. He is always so hurt and baffled when people percieve him to be that way.

 

[Pynki]

I do lots of things without my husband. I've recently come to realize that HE doesn't need the interaction. So me making him go isn't really helping anyone, and just makes me tense and frustrated.

So my new rule is that unless it's REALLY important that he be there, I don't make him go. I tell him what we (the kids and I) are doing, and that he can go, but he doesn't have to, and we leave it at that.

Sometimes he choses to go. Othertimes, he doesn't. Either way as long as I've already detached from my picture of what a family outting should be, we're fine.

I come home happy. He's home happy on his computer, or watching his sports. I did feel guilty at first, and I still sometimes feel a bit guilty, but it has really cut down on the amount of tension I have.

 

[Pynki]

Quote:

Originally Posted by beansavi Wow! Me, too! It sounds like you have found your peace and adapted and accepted him... though sometimes it still makes me feel lonely that i don't have my beau on my arm when others do. I wanna show him off, ya' know? But he can embarass me by insulting others thru he body language...so I guess I choose the lesser of two evils. I have to say he has improved a lot. the only prob we had a t a party Sat nite was dh did not look after the toddler (our third kid) and let him wander all over. Once I accepted that i was in charge of the toddler, everything else was fine. But he talked to other people...and not to me! :

Well, I've known my husband since I was 10 yrs old, and he was 9. I've known him forever. I've always just accepted that's who he is, and how he is. The 1st time a read an article about Asperger's when our oldest was under a yr (he's 9 now) I was like, WOW! That was sooo my DH when he was a kid! It totally all made sense.

I do miss him being out with me, and he too has gotten better over the years. Like when we 1st started dating he would sit on the couch in the corner and just sit. Not talk to anyone. If someone tried to strike up a conversation with him he'd answer in one or two word answers. Now he will talk with people he doesn't know, or people he's just met. A lot of people don't see what a HUGE improvement that is. They just see him as a jackass who's ignoring his kids, and being rude to his wife.

It makes me sad that other people can't see why I think he's so great.

 

[Pynki]

Well, I'm controlling and my husband is controlling. We're just controlling about different things. Some day we really have to negotiate what it is that we want.

Most of the time I do feel as if I have 5 kids. One 30 year old who often acts like the 15 yr old babysitter.

 

[Pynki]

My dh asks me where stuff is too. I usually tell him, or tell him he'll have to do what I do. Look for it. I have to remind him that I'M the one with ADD. Am I REALLY the one to be asking?

 

[Pynki]

I don't know if it is or isn't. I'll give you this scenario from my life with my dh.

Once we were sitting in the living room and he reached his hand out to me. He hardly ever initiates physical contact that isn't sexual, so I grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

He looked over at me with lovey eyes and said:
"I say jump, you say how high."

It was like I had be physically hit. I felt so violated. He totally didn't understand why. I had to explain to him that my need for physical touch is a very real need. And as the man who's supposed to love me above all else, he isn't supposed to use it as a weapon against me.

He said it was just a joke and it wasn't his intention to do that. I'm sure that is true, but it felt like an attack when he did it.

 

[Pynki]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ex-stasis And correct me if I'm wrong, but if it wasn't for *everything else* that goes on in your relationship, you probably would have taken it as a joke and all would have been just fine. That's the way it would have been for me, had DH done something like that. It's not the specific comments, it's the specific comments and everything else from day-to-day life. And then when you get upset about a specific comment it's made out to be like you're getting upset over NOTHING, and you're crazy. Yep.

Yes.

I feel like I let so much "stuff" slide because I know it comes out wrong, and I know he doesn't mean it like he sounds, or I know that he just doesn't "get" it no matter how many times I explain it, and it seems like these sneak attacks, almost like bombardments out of nowhere are the most hurtful.

I expect a certain amount of... inability to ... recognize socially expected interactions. These ones that hit me when I'm not expecting them seem the most heinous. Even when they aren't really even worse than others.

For me, I think this one hurt me most, because I thought he was really trying to connect with me, and he was... sort of, but then it got all twisted around.

 

[Pynki]

I didn't find that site the least bit helpful for my fully grown man of a husband. Maybe if I was concerned about one of my toddler/preschool children, but not my full grown husband.

You know. We COULD go and get an official diagnosis. It wouldn't change anything though. I mean really. What is some guy with a piece of paper telling us what we already know going to do for us other than make people who were doubtful believe it now? It's like trying to get a diagnosis for any number of undiagnosable auto-immune problems. Which I have one of those unnameable ones. So... been there done that. Thanks, but no.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gibsonsmom You should go to the National Institute of Mental Health website to get a concise definition of Pervasive Developmental Disorders, which is the actual umbrella that the Autism spectrum is under. Aspergers has become the new AHDH in the special education field and many people are quick to jump on the bandwagon as a way to explain behaviors in children and adults which they don't like. There are many people who really live with this and they live totally normal and fulfilling lives, Aspergers is rarely debilitating in anyway and can only be diagnoses by a professional, it is also subjective as there is no one test for any of the spectrum disorders, only a set of characteristics which in combination can be labeled as such. You should be very careful to assume someone is on the spectrum without any diagnostic evaluations having been made. Sorry to ramble, too many years working with autistic kids has made it easy for me to blather on about this. Anyhoo, there is a good link below: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publi...ion.shtml#pub2 Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by beansavi Thanks, you two! Just wanted to share/vent: Tonight I made a chicken stew...called my dh on the cell to tell him and had it on the table when dh walked in... he gobbled it down... I gave dd (who was still at the table) some playmobil toys to assemble and hang on my aunt's Christmas tree... But ds decided he needed to empty the sink of all the dirty dishes from me making the stew... He fussed and slammed the plates, and silverware, used the "F" word with the baby and dd because the baby wanted the tree decorations, too and was whining... he continued with the dishes acting all stressed out... so I called him out on fixating on the dishes and he got all smug and wouldn't make eye contact. He just said that he would be making breakfast for us all in the morning and the dishes and sink should have been clean. Holy crap. I told him he was not an aspie---he was an as*****. Flame me if you will. I said it.

You know, I think it's just the time of year. Jake and I have been getting into it the last couple of days. Also if you look at my blog you'll find a fun screwing my husband post that I really can't copy and paste here for both content and language!

:

 

[Pynki]

Well, for me, I've known my husband since... Well forever. Since we were children.

One day I was reading an article in Parents of all places and it was about children with Aspergers, and I kid you not, it sounded SO much like my husband. It was like a light bulb went off! OOOOOOOH! THAT explains it ALL!

We have problems with my family and his family. His mother refuses to see anything is wrong. She actually told me he had lots of friends growing up. He did not. He hung out with his brother, and his brother's friends, or his cousins. She proceeded to name off all his childhood friends, and everyone but one was one of his cousins. I pointed that out to her. She got a look on her face like she had never realized that before.

My family is very touchy, and loud. We're theatre people. When my parents came to visit for Thanksgiving my DH asked me if I could tell my mom not to touch him so much. It bugs him when people touch him.

I'm not going to do that, because she's backed down from the full on face kiss and bear hug she'd normally do to just an arm squeeze or three.

*sigh* Sometimes navagating our families is more treachurous than the public.

 

[Pynki]

I took the test for my dh. Because. I know him. I've known him since I was 10 yrs old. Based on my answers for him. He got: Your Aspie score: 147 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

YIKES!

Mine for me was: Your Aspie score: 102 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 138 of 200
You are very likely neurotypical

I do have ADD. I took the ADD test. It agreed.

It's very odd for me. My ADD is me keeping track of everything subconsciously where ever I put it down. If I see something somewhere I log it in my brain where it was. Even if I didn't put it down there. SO, I know where things are when people ask. Jake assumes this means I know where everything is. Even the stuff I haven't seen.

It drives me batty that I'm supposed to keep track of EVERYTHING. I can't even keep track of my wallet and shoes most days it seems!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ndigiorgio So---does anyone have ADD or think they have ADD and despite this are expected to be the home organizer/doer and feel overwhelmed because their aspie guy can't multi-task and---even though he wants to help---isn't much help? Sigh... I work, I am pregnant and have a 3 year old and the laundry and paperwork are piling up. I just hired someone to come and help me but DH is worried about our finances. And yet---when we were in couple's therapy 2 years ago we were urged to come up with a family budget and it still hasn't happened. DH looks at it through the lens of doom and gloom and doesn't seem to be able to think of solutions. I recently came to the overwhelming conclusion that I MUST have ADD when I took and had DH take this aspie test: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php DH got a 117 "You have some neurotypical traits and some asperger's traits" I got a 30-something---very NT At the end you are asked to take an ADD test. Whoa-I scored REALLY high on that one. Those tests kind of bring into question the functionality of our relationship. ADD is treatable--with meds and therapy--which is great. So what I need perhaps to make things more tolerable is to fix myself so I'm more able to deal with DH. The problem is I can't really experiment with meds as I am preggo and plan on extended nursing--and I belong to Kaiser and their mental health program isn't really geared for treatment and more for intervention. THANK GOD DH's not a high-scorer. But he took a look at WrongPlanet.com and said that all of a sudden things are making sense to him--that he has a sense of belonging and explanation for some of his personality traits or the way his mind works. I think we're making progress but it seems to be DRAGGING along and I am not certain there's much help out there for us that will be relatively inexpensive.

 

[Pynki]

I don't personally think my husband is an ass. I KNOW he isn't. I know he would never purposefully hurt anyone. He's always baffled when what he does or says does infact hurt someone. That doesn't change other's who don't them as well from believing it.

 

[Pynki]

We had one of thos moments today. We're living in the apt. above my husbands building while we remodel the house. We have the dogs here with us, so they have to be taken out. Care to guess who that falls to?

So today the boys are all home (you can look in my blog here at the bottom for the reason why) and "someone" needs to take the dogs out. Oh kay. You do that... apparently he can't he's "working". Oh kay. Well, I can't leave. The 1 year old is fussing instead of napping, and I'm damn sure not leaving the9, 7, 4, &1 yr old upstairs by themselve while I go walk the dogs.

He says. We HAVE a 9 yr old. HE can watch the 1 yr old. I admit I started swearing at him. I told him no farking way am I leaving the everything up to the 9 yr old. I don't care how farking responsible he can be. He's 9 FARKING years old!

He says but he'll just be down in his office... You mean the office I have to practically pry you out with a prybar? That office? You who has hearing problems to start with?

Yeah. The dogs didn't go out until he came upstairs an hour later.

 

[Pynki]

My dh is very physical only sexually. It doesn't generally bother me, but I've had it bother friends. They view it as him percieving me as part of his "property" being able to just "put his hands on me". But for me that isn't it. I "give" and good as I "get" in that depart. I smack his azz as he walks by almost as often as the other way round.

I don't mind the PDA's, but apparently they are often percieved as Public Displays of sexual ownership. Which really isn't our deal.

I do get tired of the constant boob groping though. I swear. I wish he had been breastfed. Then maybe this whole boob fetish wouldn't be so intense.

I'm on the other end of the putting things away spectrum of exasperation. DH MUST put everything in the yard away before we leave or he comes in period. Even if it makes us 30 -40 minutes late. It's infuriating sometimes. I mean if it's snowing or raining that's one thing, but why does we have to leave mean he MUST take care of the garbage at that time? I mean... why not 40 minutes early when I told him I wanted to leave by 3:30? It's not that I want him to just sit on his azz in front of the TV until then while I try to get EVERYONE ready.

Grrr...

Sorry.

 

[Pynki]

Quote:

Originally Posted by paxton25 He has a habit of doing this weird rocking motion when he is trying to go to sleep or when he is listening to music. He is very sensitive and embarrassed by it but says he has to do it to unwind and relax.

My DH does this. Especially when he needs to go to bed. It's almost like he's rocking himself to sleep. We rarely go to bed at the same time because of it. After about 5 years we've gotten to the point where I can place my foot on his leg if he's woken me up doing it, and he will stop.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Henry's Mom I am just starting to come to terms with the reality that my dp may well have aspbergers- a therapist we saw together a few years ago mentioned it recently when I started going solo "Yea, well of course being someone with asp...." I was pretty shocked that she (the therapist)assumed I knew dp had asp. Anyway with out reading this whole wonderful thread I am wondering if there are any reading recommendations for someone who is highfunctioning asp- stuff for me and for dp to read. Also wondering how your partners first came to understand that they had asp? Was there denial/resistance? Thanks

Well, we don't have an official dx. But yeah, he really fits the profile. When I 1st told him to read the article I found, and how I thought it fit him he was very whatever. Now he absolutely admits that it really fits him and his quirks, but he doesn't want a dx, because it wouldn't change anything for him, and there's nothing that "they" could do about it... well other than some anti-anxiety meds or something similar.

Quote:

Originally Posted by velcromom yeah, wondering here too. Not anywhere near showing this info to dh but then again I am also contemplating that I scored as "highly likely" to be aspie too... I haven't been too stressed by that though, since I already knew for a long time there was something different going on. I am not sure about dh but he really does display enough traits that I read through this thread with my jaw open and my eyes wide! Dh is a good guy, kind, really tries to be thoughtful in his own way, very hard worker and in some kinds of intelligence he is just brilliant. The first thing that caught my attention when reading this thread was that Dh misses social cues, the closer he is to someone the worse he is with that. He interprets things I say in an ultra-literal way. Sarcasm is interpreted literally too. Metaphors mean nothing to him. Context is ignored. He seems unaware of his own tone of voice and body language, and if asked will insist that neither mean anything. He also hears different words than what were said. I have never met anyone who does that as consistently and often as dh. He extrapolates to conclusions that are logical to him, but may not have anything to do with what was said. He doesn't check to see if his conclusion is correct which leads to problems. He has a particular hand posture I've always noticed as different. When I was taking the aspie traits test at a site a pp posted I wondered what his answers would be and I realized I had no idea. I just can't figure if he fits the profile or not.

My dh sniffs his hands. That's his "tic".

He wrote an entry on my blog a while back about his attitudes, and behaviors, and how they effect him, and me, and us as a family. Here it is for anyone who's interested or hasn't read it. I've linked to it on this thread before.

 

[Pynki]

I don't believe thyroid problems are common, but honestly, it never occured to me to check it out.

Some of his hearing problems are from his ears. He really does have borderline hard of hearing. Some of it though is sensory defensiveness. He can't handle much of the noise, so his mind simply refuses to hear it.

I have a very high pitched voice. He hears me and the kids usually with no problem. A few weeks ago I had a throat, sinus, chest cold and sounded like Kathleen Turner. He couldn't hear a word I said most of the time unless he was looking at me, and then he was just guessing.

I've told him he should just mark them, but I think to him that would be a physical sign of his "differentness". KWIM? He just isn't ready to have to deal with it. Even though it would only be friends or family who would see it. Of course, friends and family can be the most cruel can't they?

 

[Pynki]

Once a year I generally have an I'M LEAVING night. And sometimes I do. It was worse when I had friends telling me that my dh was juast an ass, and they would never accept that behavior, and blah-de-blah. And I started internalizing that.

I've known my dh since we were children. It's seriously the ONLY reason we got together. That, and I was a forward little hussy. I made all the moves, and then just pretty much sat on him and got jiggy with my bad self. He had a light bulb moment then.

In our marraige I've very whatever. I'm pretty go with the flow, and Jake is the one more in need of control a lot of the time. I don't need the control, so I let a lot of stuff go or I let it slide because like all power struggles that isn't a hill I'm willing to die on.

If I find one that is though... Ho howdy. Run away! I'm sure you'll STILL be able to hear me where ever you find a hidey hole.

 

[Pynki]

Sleep C'smama. Sleep! We'll be here.

We HAD over a foot of snow, but... it's been almost 50 here for the last day or so and all the snow and ice is melting... melting.. YEAH!

I even wore JUST a sweatshirt yesterday!

 

[Pynki]

It would have to be purposeful disregard of our children's safety. Not the disregard that happens because he has no idea what's appropriate, but KNOWING I wouldn't view it as safe and running with it anyway.

He's never done that however. He trusts my judgement on that one.

Death, serious avoidable injury, rape. Those are pretty much my lines.