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i'm so glad to see this thread. both dh and i think he is an aspie, although he's never been formally diagnosed. he's very much like the other DP's in everyone's posts. he's a very loving father and spouse, a good provider, funny, handsome, artistic, extremely intelligent, and so much more.

he's really into collecting things. when we first got together, i was shocked to see all the crap he collected, from comic books, to sports cards, action figures, cds, etc. i could go on and on. he's very organized with his stored items (god forbid a cd is in the wrong spot), but everything else is sort of an organized chaos. messes drive him nuts, but he has a hard time just getting rid of stuff. he's not a pack rat, but i feel like there's a lot around the house that's just not necessary.

he's got some sensory issues that at first i thought he was exaggerating about. he will freak the heck out if he gets anything semi-permanent on his body. (want to see him fly off the handle--pretend you're going to write on him with a sharpie marker! he'll never talk to you again if you actually do it. seriously.) he hates putting lotion on, and in the winter time he will only allow me to put some on his hands when his knuckles are literally cracked and bleeding. he's really particular about clothing. it's gotta be just so, or he won't have anything to do with it. this in itself has presented a problem because he wears one particular item *to death* and really refuses to let it go/replace it until the item looks like shredded cheese cloth. i'm not joking. at first i thought it was just some sort of eccetricity, but now i worry that he would think it's acceptable to show up to a PTA meeting (or some other function for our dd) in a holey shirt and not understand why dd or i am embarrassed.

one of our biggest hurdles throughout our relationship has been his interactions with extended family members (i.e. our families of origin). it's so strange, because he really loves them so much, and wants to spend time around them. but when we're with them he's so anxious/overwhelmed and ends up getting angry over something that no one else gets, or just doesn't get it when he says something upsetting to someone else. he himself says he doesn't understand why family gatherings almost always seem to go awry and feels frustrated with the perception that he's a jerk. and i feel embarrassed that he seems like he just doesn't know how to act sometimes. he also has a really hard time making friends, which really bums me out, because he's such an awesome person and so deserving of friendships outside of our marriage.

dh wants to persue a professional dx, but i am reluctant. when we last discussed it (about a week ago) i told him i'm concerned that it would somehow hold him back or get him feeling down to have that official label. i also worry that it would become some sort of crutch for him. he feels like it would validate him and give him something more to work with, and just give him a better understanding of himself. the conversation ended with me saying, "i can see why you would want to be dx'd, and if that's what you choose, then i support you in that." i still have mixed emotions about it though.

please don't take this as me bashing him. i suffer from depression from time to time, and i would never be upset with him for needing a place to be able to talk openly about the struggles of being partnered with someone who has mood problems. that's what i see going on in this thread, not "bashing". thanks for starting this beansavi!
 

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that's a great question Meg s. my dh totally sees it for what it is--just a different kind of wiring that can at times make life somewhat challenging (but then, who doesn't have challeneges). now his mom otoh, we could never even talk about this with her because she would see it as us saying "there's something wrong with M." she would totally misinterpret what we would be saying, so we just don't go there with her. (just some quick background, MIL had a fit when we had dd assesed and enrolled in EI for some gross motor delay issues.) but your situation is quite different. we haven't lived with the realization that dh is an aspie for very long, but maybe some other ppl here would have some suggestions for you.

i have another question that i hope doesn't get lost in the "i'm right, you're wrong" posts. (i think we all need something a little different, and with some understanding and patience we can all get it here.) when we had dd, dh had a really hard time with all of the "attention" i was getting. he felt jealous and left out at times. everyone talked to him too about how everything went, complimented him on being a great partner and having a beautiful dd that looked just like him. but isn't it a little understandable that after 3 days of labour and birthing a child that shredded my bottom (her hand was pressed to her forehead and elbow was thrown out away from her body when she was born--ouch) that ppl would want to baby me a little?

we're TTC#2, and my biggest worry is that we'll go through all of that misunderstanding again. have any of you experienced something similar with your DPs? any helpful suggestions or hints on how to get through that more smoothly than we did last time? he was so wonderful, strong and selfless during the labor and birth. it's just the post-partum period that was a struggle for us.
 
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