[That Is Nice]

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Hmmm. I've sometimes wondered if my dp's behavior could be explained by an autism spectrum disorder/Asperger's diagnosis. He's seldom described as rude or cold, but he does have difficulty reading subtle cues or detecting other's emotional states. He is also totally unable to look around and see what needs to be done to assist another or accomplish a common goal (or often to accomplish his own individual goals). If asked/told what to do he will do it (usually somewhat willingly), but he just cannot "see" or "notice" what to do to help (around house, with kids, in partnership, etc.).

This is my DH.

We have major marital problems. I don't know if he does have Asperger's, but he sure has many of the signs and symptoms many of you describe. And those signs and symptoms are HUGE issues in our marriage. Huge.

My DH won't listen to me if I say "Asperger's." I've mentioned it as something maybe we should explore. He refuses to discuss it.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by readytobedone hi. i'm new to this thread and not sure if DH is an aspie or something else. the main issue is his extreme lack of emotion in situations that would seem to require it. i have tons of examples of this if you want. a lot of the posts on this thread resonated with me, but many things didn't. and he's not serious (some stuff i read on aspies said they tend to be extremely serious). he's really quite funny, though it's a quite odd sense of humor--sometimes tiresome and offensive but with DD, he has a hard time knowing what she needs. he has a hard time feeding her while he feeds himself, or remembering that she might be thirsty, need a diaper, etc. but i know lots of men are like this, or so i read on these boards. i dunno. he has a VERY hard time just sitting and talking, like he completely tunes out a lot. he'll get a zit on the back of his neck and pick it till it's like a hole. yes, it's weird sometimes i've thought it's ADD... but he's just kind not very emotional, can be very very detached. and he's very black and white, kind of literal, about anything involving people/social stuff. anyway, thanks for letting me talk here. this is a great thread.

Your post resonated with me. I'm new here, too (although I did see this thread a long time ago and nodded my head through many of the posts...and thought, yep, that is DH, yep, that, too...)

Anyway, I'm about to post my introduction, but I wanted to say that your post really resonated with me. I am not sure that DH has Asperger's, but he sure has many of the signs and symptoms.

And his behavior and lack of emotional connection has created major issues in our marriage.

 

[That Is Nice]

Hi. I'm new to this thread (kind of, anyway. I did see this thread eons ago and read through some posts and thought this could be my DH.) Anyway, I found this thread again and read through more posts. And, I still think this could be my DH.

 

[readytobedone]

wow, that is nice. this sounds really tough.

a lot of this resonated with me, so i'll just go through and bold what sounds like my DH.

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Originally Posted by That Is Nice Hi. I'm new to this thread (kind of, anyway. I did see this thread eons ago and read through some posts and thought this could be my DH.) Anyway, I found this thread again and read through more posts. And, I still think this could be my DH. I really think DH could have Asperger's, and, even if he doesn't have it in a clinical sense, he certainly has many, many, many of the signs and symptoms. And this is creating HUGE issues in our marriage. By the way, DH will not discuss Asperger's, gets defensive, and says he doesn't have it, but I think secretly he thinks maybe he does. Ok, so I'll try to describe. DH has a career in science and math. He is very talented in many fields, but particularly in math, science, and music. 1. DH has poor eye contact with people, and always has. He does not look people in the eyes. 2. DH never remembers anyone's name. Sure, he knows family names or friends we know well. But, acquaintances, co-workers he doesn't work with often, and people he's just met, he can not remember their names. Ever. 3. DH is a very linear, very technical, very black and white thinker. He does not see nuances, most of the time. 4. DH is somewhat of an introvert-extrovert. He is most often introverted, but has bursts of extrovertism, and in those times, exhibits almost brash, sometimes lewd, sometimes inappropriate behavior. His sense of humor is off the wall and very odd, and very different. um, this sense of humor bit is eerie. it's exactly like my DH, who fears even talking at parties because he will seriously make jokes about child molesters and things which most people don't find funny at all. 5. DH is very unaware of other people's emotions and feelings. He doesn't read people well. He doesn't mean to be rude (most of the time), he's just unaware and not involved or empathetic of other people. 6. DH is very self-involved. He can be very self-indulging. He is hyper-fixated and hyper-interested in a few things of high interest to him. He can spend hours and hours on these things without noticing time has elapsed. and when i try to explain to him that this bothers me, he denies he even does it! 7. DH likes to catalog and collect...junk. Treasure to him, junk to most everyone else. DH doesn't like change. DH doesn't like to get rid of things. Sometimes it seems to border on hoarding, due to the extreme and ridiculous nature of his collecting (and what he collects). my husband has a collection of small boxes. a COLLECTION. and he also put all of our junk in identical boxes he got out of the barnes and noble recycle bin. he lettered each one (A, B, C, D, etc.) and wrote a master list of the boxes' content. we're talking about old notebooks from 8th grade algebra class, pom poms, yearbooks. nothing important. 8. Physically, DH is slightly uncoordinated and awkward, very inflexible. He is not hyper-sensitive at all about his appearance (quite the opposite) and does not take very good care of himself physically. He is also NOT anal (quite the opposite). DH is exactly reasonably athletic and pretty coordinated, but he will wear the same thing every day, shorts until they are full of holes, plain white undershirts with sweat marks and holes, etc. 9. He doesn't observe blatent things. He misses cues, subtle and direct. He is not good with anything implied or hinted at. DH never gets the drift, so to speak, and innuendo goes right over his head. ***The Marriage Ok, now here are the behaviors that cause issues in our marriage and make it hard for me to live with him. DH is unable to read emotions. He doesn't listen well to other people. He gets bored easily and thinks he knows what I'm talking about before he really does. He assumes a lot. He doesn't listen and, therefore, he rarely remembers what I have told him. DH acts in ways that are disproportionate to what is happening. He has anger management issues. He's very insensitive. He takes any discord and thinks it's hyper-critical of him. He constantly mislabels and misunderstands my motives and intent. This happens ALL THE TIME. He misreads situations ALL THE TIME. And reacts poorly, and now more and more aggressively. He NEVER anticipates what will happen, even if it's something that has happened many times before, but, weirdly enough, he craves and thrives with routine. He has no clue "how to straighten a room." He has to be told everthing step by step. Even if we've done it before step by step, he really has to be directed again and again. He doesn't ever anticipate needs. He blames a lot of my "issues" on being a woman, or PMS, or being too emotional. He doesn't even try to listen, understand, or acknowlege the real reasons for me being upset. He's careless. He treats me very dismissively. He thinks he is smarter, much smarter than I am. He acts aggressively and out of context. The aggression has turned somewhat abusive. So, that's the story. I'll look forward to reading more on this thread. Any advice and ideas would be welcomed and appreciated.

can i add to this that my DH loves to play armchair quarterback with social interactions i have to have because he won't? case in point, our DCP just dropped us, this being after months of my begging him to try talking to her because i just wasn't able to get through on some things and i was sick of trying. he refused. then when the relationship went south, he had PLENTY of suggestions of how i might have handled it differently, including: not asking so many questions, not trying to understand why she did things and instead just telling her what i wanted her to do, and communicating everything in writing.

those are all kind of silly, right, but the bigger issue to me was HE NEVER EVER LIFTED A FINGER TO FIELD ANY PROBLEM FROM DAYCARE, AND THEN ACTED SHOCKED AND CRITICAL OF ME WHEN IT WENT TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET.

not to mention, of course he did nothing to help me secure a new childcare arrangement for DD. he did, however, call the old DCP and try to woo her back by saying that i do ask a lot of questions and it can be annoying, and he could drop DD off and pick her up so the DCP and i never had to talk to each other. needless to say, she declined this offer

meanwhile he doesn't get why i'm furious because that offer totally corroborates her POV and makes me look even worse.

 

[bmcneal]

This is the first time I've seen this thread, but I'm interested in joining! My DH hasn't been diagnosed as Asperger's syndrome, but my brother has it (been diagnosed), my dad has it (but not diagnosed), my granddad had it (probably not diagnosed), DH's cousin has it (diagnosed), his uncle had it (diagnosed), and I think his grandpa had it.

He has *very* deeply studied and researched religion. Anything I ask, he can tell me right away, and not just Christianity, but Buddhism, Islam, Mormonism, etc. He studies to the extent that DD has gone without a diaper change or snack/meal for extended periods because he didn't realize she needed them, or that he had spent so long studying.

When DD was smaller, we were supplimenting with formula. (I tried breastfeeding for months, and I just wasn't producing enough, she was unable to latch, and no support, anyway) I had a c/s, and recovery was bad. It was the middle of the night, DD woke up hungry, but he didn't feed her because he didn't know what to do. (He was aware we were supplimenting, and had fed her before from a bottle.)

I've asked him to wash the dishes, but he couldn't because he didn't know where the sponge was. When I asked him why he hadn't looked for it, he said he didn't think to look for it.

He is not empathetic. If I'm upset or crying, he doesn't know what to do.

He *cannot* make/maintain eye contact. When I ask him to, he gets upset.

When I imply something, or try to say something indirectly, he doesn't get it.

If I ask him to clean up the living room/kitchen/etc, I have to tell him *exactly* what needs done. "Pick up the clothes, put them in the basket." "Get a trash bag, put papers and trash in it."

He can't stand being in groups of people, or going out in public.

I don't have any suggestions you ladies probably haven't already thought about, but just try to be patient. Be to the point.