[momma4fun]

I'm married to an Aspie. I'm beginning to suspect my 2 year old may be sensitive in similar ways. I have a great desire to support and advocate for both of them.

But I don't really want to talk about them. I have had 3 years of grief and pain and resignation of my dreams and am now changing my worldview. I don't want to talk about my Dh's differences. I've been fuming/wasting away/coming to terms with/ and talking non-stop about those differences for 3 years.

I want to talk about myself, about how I can get my needs for support and companionship from new relationships, how I can fully get over the pain of finding myself in a marriage that is so radically different from any other relationship or ideal I've ever had.

I don't want to have to convince readers of this thread that my husband really is an Aspie or have to constantly speak of him like a baby who doesn't know any better. I want to talk about my feelings.

I hope I will get some time to sit down tomorrow and give you some more background on how I truly lost myself and many of my dreams and my self-esteem through this whole situation and how I'm struggling to regain myself now.

I'm so excited because I've begun to taste a vaictory over my depression -- that I CAN get through this, I CAN be happier without blaming Dh, and I NEED to brush up on my own wasted away social skills to I can reach out in the new state I just moved to to make friends.

 

[Brigianna]

Okay. One last time: I do not care what anyone says about her spouse. I don't know any of y'all's spouses. That's not my concern. But when you make negative statements about how 'Aspies' are, about "sufferers" and "disorders," you are talking about me, and you are talking about my child. Think about that, when you're talking about 'Aspies,' you're talking about my seven-year-old child.

 

[Meg_s]

Watching this thread with interest. I have reason to believe that my mother is an undiagnosed Aspie..... and up until the day I cut contact with her altogether

: I was continually and deeply hurt by her. From what I've read, she may not really have hated me my whole life, the way I'd always believed. I've been giving my sister information about it, hoping that if my mum finds out about it and can understand herself a little better, then her life can be easier. She does not know, and my father is somewhat abusive and blames her coldness for all of his issues. No one understands why she is the way she is, but after hours and hours of reading about what it is like to have Asperger's..... I really think that is her issue, if you can call it an issue... her reason for being the way she is.

 

[Meg_s]

I have a question about tact. How did you approach the issue with your spouses, if they did not know beforehand? My mother is very intelligent, and I am afraid of her reaction being one of defensiveness and anger, and feeling like she is being told she has a disorder or something rather than just, yeah, your brain works a little differently which is why you don't relate to us and us you - so here is a good way to understand things.

 

[pazerific]

that's a great question Meg s. my dh totally sees it for what it is--just a different kind of wiring that can at times make life somewhat challenging (but then, who doesn't have challeneges). now his mom otoh, we could never even talk about this with her because she would see it as us saying "there's something wrong with M." she would totally misinterpret what we would be saying, so we just don't go there with her. (just some quick background, MIL had a fit when we had dd assesed and enrolled in EI for some gross motor delay issues.) but your situation is quite different. we haven't lived with the realization that dh is an aspie for very long, but maybe some other ppl here would have some suggestions for you.

i have another question that i hope doesn't get lost in the "i'm right, you're wrong" posts. (i think we all need something a little different, and with some understanding and patience we can all get it here.) when we had dd, dh had a really hard time with all of the "attention" i was getting. he felt jealous and left out at times. everyone talked to him too about how everything went, complimented him on being a great partner and having a beautiful dd that looked just like him. but isn't it a little understandable that after 3 days of labour and birthing a child that shredded my bottom (her hand was pressed to her forehead and elbow was thrown out away from her body when she was born--ouch) that ppl would want to baby me a little?

we're TTC#2, and my biggest worry is that we'll go through all of that misunderstanding again. have any of you experienced something similar with your DPs? any helpful suggestions or hints on how to get through that more smoothly than we did last time? he was so wonderful, strong and selfless during the labor and birth. it's just the post-partum period that was a struggle for us.

 

[captain crunchy]

Well with my husband, we discovered together that he has aspergers. I remember very clearly, it was an episode of Law And Order that featured someone with aspergers -- about 9 years ago. Now, this character was just that, a character -- so his aspergers was dramatized and very pronounced and of course, played up for dramatic purposes -- but we watched it and sort of looked at eachother like *weird*, that seems like some things you do -- those types of thoughts.

I began researching aspergers from that program and dh and I came to the conclusion that he most likely has it.

People have all different reactions. For my husband, it was a huge relief and I think a puzzle piece put into place to explain why he had felt certain ways his whole life. He was very receptive to the idea that he has aspergers. To him, it shed such a light over a lot of things that people (and him) had chalked up to being weird/eccentric/quirky/antisocial/anxiety.

I believe we were blessed to figure it out when we did. It allowed him to feel a sense of validation -- he wasn't just crazy all this time in thinking he was a bit different than most people (different doesn't mean bad by the way).

For me, it was enlightening because I could then read and research and learn different techniques to help our relationship run smoother. I had a reason for certain behaviors...

For instance, before the Aspie (self) diagnosis, I thought he was just anal in some areas. Now I know that he needs certain routines and information about things to feel comfortable and at ease and to function in a healthy way. When I began looking at things from that framework, it was easier to accomodate some of those ways --- because I wanted my husband to be comfortable, feel secure, feel at ease and at peace so we were working for a common goal.

The other things is (imo), it makes a huge huge difference that he acknowledges and even embraces that he has aspergers (in our relationship, he rarely tells anyone else). It means he is open to exploring ways to make his life easier and more comfortable and he willingly explores ways to help our relationship run smoother.

It also helps me because I no longer frame things in a "get over it" type mentality and more in the mentality that there are certain things he just processes differently --

As I mentioned above, we had some rough patches -- but in 10 years they have lessened considerably as I have learned to navigate who he is and get inside of how his mind operates and have learned to not take some things personally. Also, he has come a very long way in our relationship too. He has actively sought out ways to better express himself and his love in ways that are important to me -- he has really worked on expressing empathy openly -- as I believe he does feel empathy, but has a difficult time relating to people on how to express it.

As for your question Meg, I don't know a tactful way to approach it because our discovery came about pretty organically. I knew there was something atypical about the way he related to life/people/situations, and more importantly, HE knew it -- he just didn't have the word/name/reason/information. The biggest thing is that HE desired help in understanding the *typical* world more.

Which brings me to my next point -- I think some of the posters here who are offended are approaching it from *their* point of view and not considering the point of view of the actual people with aspergers in question. It seems they are coming from the "we are perfect the way we are and how dare anyone say anything differently!!"

Well, my husband didn't feel that way. For many many years from early childhood he yearned to understand people the way most people do. He yearned to have connections, to relate to people, to have a healthy relationship where he was understood and where HE understood the other person, to function without the aid of all thes routines that he felt held him back and bogged him down --- so he didn't feel as though the rest of the world just had to get over it and accept him for who he was despite the fact that no one really understood it and that HE didn't understand it.... he wanted to be a part of the *typical* world because to him, it looked from the outside like a much easier and less tiring life.

He will always be who he is and I absolutely love him for that (as I have said many times above and feel as though I have to convince certain people of) however, he will even tell you that he is much happier now that he both knows he has apergers and now that he has worked on relating to people and the world in a more *typical* way. In fact, he just read this post and said (jokingly but seriously) "Yeah, it is really fun to expect people to understand you for who you are as you are standing alone on the other side of the playground trying to figure out how children know how to play with eachother."

 

[captain crunchy]

Oh and another thing I just thought of for the people with children who are concerned that their children find partners who understand them and love them -- you know, I think if you teach them (just through life experiences not so much with a sit down talk) to seek out people who compliment thier asperger side, they will do fine --

You know my husband and I compliment eachother very much. His asperger side (or traits or however you define it) has been a huge asset to me in many ways and my personality has been an asset to him. For instance, I am a *forest* person and partially due to his aspergers I think, he is a very *tree* person. I paint with broad strokes in life, sort of flying by the seat of my pants, not interested in many details

and he is a VERY detailed oriented person and helps me a lot with that. He is a wealth of information -- he has helped me in so many of my college classes (and in life) with the depth of information he has on such a wide array of subjects. He can tell you the date of almost any historical event and he knows so many details about so many things it is amazing (I always tell him we need to get him on Jeopardy or something

). I am a pretty impulsive type person and he is very regimented and cautious, this has helped us both -- I have helped him loosen up, he has helped me be more cautious in certain things. I am very outgoing, he is very reserved. He has helped me keep my mouth shut and stand back a bit when it is called for, I have helped him speak up a bit more and seek out more connections/relationships. So many more things but those are just small examples...

So I think there are certain personalities that complement may of the traits common in people with aspergers and that people with aspergers can completely have happy relationships.

 

[Pynki]

My husband shuts down, quite literally, when I'm in labor and delivery, or he's cracking jokes when it SOOOO isn't the time.

We discovered this after our second child was born and he was my only support person. It didn't go well. So, I have a friend come with me during birth now. I make him be there for my physically, but he can't handle it emotionally, and I can see it was unfair of me to expect him to .

 

[BellinghamCrunchie]

The hardest part for me has been (and I still struggle with it) giving up my ideas of a continuously intimate, connected relationship, where one person finishes the other's sentences sort of thing. My DH doesn't NEED us at all, or very little, and prefers to spend his time in solitary pursuits which he gets all flustered and upset if I try to share them with him (he doesn't know how to share in that way or be flexible). To me it looks like he doesn't love me because he rarely chooses to spend time with me. Yet if I were to leave, I think he would be heartbroken. In some way he needs me to be present in his life but not in his interactions.

I don't know how to deal with the loneliness and lack of that intimate connection (I don't mean sex). I have friends, even one very close friend, but its not the same. I seriously considered having an affair, one that would have to have very clear boundaries such that I would not allow it to interfere in my primary relationship, etc but the more I think about it, it seems impossible to pull off. It would just make my life messier. And his, no doubt. Plus who has time for an affair with a 2 yr old!

How do you deal with the loneliness and feeling disconnected/unwanted (if you do)?

 

[ex-stasis]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pazerific we're TTC#2, and my biggest worry is that we'll go through all of that misunderstanding again. have any of you experienced something similar with your DPs? any helpful suggestions or hints on how to get through that more smoothly than we did last time? he was so wonderful, strong and selfless during the labor and birth. it's just the post-partum period that was a struggle for us.

We went through a similar rough period after DD was born. It was horrible. I was so scared that it was going to happen again after DS was born in April, but miraculously, it didn't. So I guess I don't really have any ideas, but I just want to put it out there that maybe it will be different this time simply because you and he are not going through the HUGE life change of becoming parents for the first time. You're already parents. Adding #2 isn't as life-changing as having your first... that's what I think happened with us, anyway.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie How do you deal with the loneliness and feeling disconnected/unwanted (if you do)?

: I really struggle with this... mostly because it seems like my DH WANTS a close connection, but is unable to maintain it (or I am unable to maintain it in a way that works for him). I do feel lonely and useless a lot of the time... like why am I in this relationship again? Usually something reminds me, though, before it all becomes too hopeless.

Has anyone read any books about being partnered to an aspie? I'm picking up Maxine C. Aston's books from the library this week.

 

[Katielady]

I'd like to join, if it's OK. My husband doesn't really have Asperger's, but he has tiny shades of it. I never would have picked up on it if not for the fact that his brother and father both have Asperger's, and I see little aspects of their behavior mirrored in DH. Hard to tell whether it's ingrained in him, or something he picked up from being raised around two Aspies.

For the most part, DH seems NT. He's a very loving spouse and seems to process emotions in a pretty typical way. But he does have sensory issues- he freaks out in loud crowds, he won't put on lotion even when his hands are cracked and sore (his mom says as a toddler he'd say "no lotion!" when she changed his diaper), he hardly ever brushes his teeth because he hates the sensation and taste. He has almost no ability to multi-task...if he's reading a book to DS, he can't pause to answer a question from me, he has to wait til the end of the book.

And he sometimes has a very hard time putting himself in others' shoes. Ironically, one of the first clues I had that DH might himself have just a touch of AD, was his inability to have any insight into his brother's Aspergers-related behaviors and patterns. For example, BIL had almost no reaction when DH told him we were going to have a baby. I think he said, "Well, are you happy about that?" He lives in another part of the country, and was not interested in coming to see us the baby when he was born, and didn't ask DH about him on the phone. Finally, we planned a trip to go visit BIL, and DH seemed so excited and kept saying things like, "I can't wait for D to meet J" I didn't want to burst his bubble, but I was worried about DH being let down by BIL's reaction, or lack thereof. (In the past, DH seemed to always expect completely NT behavior from his brother, and then be crushed and angry when his brother behaved in a more Asperger's kind of way.)

So one day I gently said, "Are you nervous at all about having D meet J?" And he looked puzzled and said, "No, why?" And I said, "Well, because every other interaction you've had with him about DS has been really disappointing for you. He can't help it, but he doesn't express a lot of interest in DS, you know? That might be hard for you if it happens in person." He looked stunned for a moment, then thought about it and said, "I guess so."

And as I had anticipated, BIL was very uncomfortable around DS. He wouldn't touch him, and for some reason wouldn't say his name and kept calling him "boy." (I think it was because we didn't have a bris, and one of BIL's obsessions is his religion, and I suspect he considered him not to have a name since he had no naming ceremony.) He got really upset and angry when DS made any noise. But on the other hand, he gave him a cute little Old McDonald Book, and did his best to make some observations about him. I think the talk I had with DH really helped him have some realistic expectations, and to appreciate his brother's efforts. But it's weird to me how he can't ever anticipate that kind of thing on his own. He's like that with other people sometimes too, so I don't think it's just a case of being in denial about a beloved family member.

There are a million other little things, but nothing we can't deal with, and I love DH to pieces. Basically, if there were a scale where 10 is classic Asperger's and 0 is being neurotypical, I'd say BIL is a 10, FIL is a 7 or 8, and DH is a 1 or 2. Do you all think it works like that, on kind of a scale with lots of shades of grey?

Anyway, I'd love to join, even though my spouse is pretty close to NT- I could use some support in dealing with the extended family, which can be challenging.

 

[beansavi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roar Has he had any kind of therapy? I would put the focus not so much on the diagnosis because that only provides so much information, but on identifying specific goals he has for himself and finding ways to get help working on those. I would suggest finding a therapist who has worked with people with autism spectrum concerns who is open to helping him. Cognitive behavioral therapy is helpful to many people.

Thank you for that information. I appreciate it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pynki My husband and I believe he has aspergers. He blogged about it on my blog a couple weeks ago to give people an idea of how he feels. I had someone tell me they think it's BS that I am excusing his bad behavior because he's just a jerk. She talked with HER councellor about it, and her therapist agreed with her. Besides their husband works with someone with Aspergers and he's very sweet and polite. *sigh* Yeah, the fact that my huband's family uses snark and sarcasm as a way of communicating couldn't POSSIBLY make my husband seem like a jerk since SOOOOOOOOOO much of that type of communication is about reading people. So, sometimes he seems like a jerk. It really bugs me. He is a very loving guy... in his own way. He feels things, he just isn't that good at seeing that I too feel things. Or that his mom feels things. Or his dad, or his brother.

Welcome. If it helps at all (though maybe only a tiny bit), I am here for you. I can listen, compare experiences, or just talk about chocolate pudding. Whatever.

Quote:

Originally Posted by momma4fun I want to talk about myself, about how I can get my needs for support and companionship from new relationships, how I can fully get over the pain of finding myself in a marriage that is so radically different from any other relationship or ideal I've ever had. I don't want to have to convince readers of this thread that my husband really is an Aspie or have to constantly speak of him like a baby who doesn't know any better. I want to talk about my feelings. I hope I will get some time to sit down tomorrow and give you some more background on how I truly lost myself and many of my dreams and my self-esteem through this whole situation and how I'm struggling to regain myself now. I'm so excited because I've begun to taste a vaictory over my depression -- that I CAN get through this, I CAN be happier without blaming Dh, and I NEED to brush up on my own wasted away social skills to I can reach out in the new state I just moved to to make friends.

Amen! And this is the place to talk about yourself, and your needs. Living with an aspie causes depression in many people, and it doesn't have to do in any way with how good a person you are or how much you love your partner. You are human and your needs are just as valid as your dp's.

I struggled with depression,too, and just having a place to say "AAAAARG!" felt like half the battle was won, KWIM?

Today I feel frustration and irritation and loneliness in cycles, as dh goes through what we both call "an episode". But the difference is I have terminology and understanding to help me ride it out. All I needed in addition to this was other women who can truly relate. So I am glad you are here and I am here to listen if you need it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meg_s Watching this thread with interest. I have reason to believe that my mother is an undiagnosed Aspie..... and up until the day I cut contact with her altogether : I was continually and deeply hurt by her. From what I've read, she may not really have hated me my whole life, the way I'd always believed. I've been giving my sister information about it, hoping that if my mum finds out about it and can understand herself a little better, then her life can be easier. She does not know, and my father is somewhat abusive and blames her coldness for all of his issues. No one understands why she is the way she is, but after hours and hours of reading about what it is like to have Asperger's..... I really think that is her issue, if you can call it an issue... her reason for being the way she is.

Wow. That sounds like a real break through for you. I am really happy for you to have that. Welcome.

 

[beansavi]

When I had a miscarriage between my first two children's births, my dh did not speak to me or make eye contact for five days. He heard me howling and crying on the couch, and would not come to comfort me. It was the darkest week of my entire life.

How did he explain it years later? That is "the way he grieves". He withdraws into himself and the world be damned.

Coming to grips with that has been a long road. But forgiveness played a big part in it. I had to forgive him whole heartedly for my own health, KWIM?

When we had our dd, he argued with me during post-partum after pains that were as hard as contractions. Like, YELLED at me because he had his hands full with ds1 and I was begging for my pain medication and a glass of water.

Right before I took the herbal "cocktail" my midwife gave mine to go into labor with number three, a home birth, dh took sleeping pills and slept thru the whole labor...being woken up to run see the baby crowning. He was so fixated on his lack of sleep the night before, it was like he could NOT STOP himself from taking a sleeping pill, and he could not think about the fact that he was about to have a wife labor all over the house in a few hours.

Luckily, my midwife and friend gave me a nice, woman-centered birth and things were beautiful. Dh was really sweet postpartum and was embarrassed that he slept thru the labor. REALLY embarrassed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ex-stasis We went through a similar rough period after DD was born. It was horrible. I was so scared that it was going to happen again after DS was born in April, but miraculously, it didn't. So I guess I don't really have any ideas, but I just want to put it out there that maybe it will be different this time simply because you and he are not going through the HUGE life change of becoming parents for the first time. You're already parents. Adding #2 isn't as life-changing as having your first... that's what I think happened with us, anyway. : I really struggle with this... mostly because it seems like my DH WANTS a close connection, but is unable to maintain it (or I am unable to maintain it in a way that works for him). I do feel lonely and useless a lot of the time... like why am I in this relationship again? Usually something reminds me, though, before it all becomes too hopeless. Has anyone read any books about being partnered to an aspie? I'm picking up Maxine C. Aston's books from the library this week.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pazerific that's a great question Meg s. my dh totally sees it for what it is--just a different kind of wiring that can at times make life somewhat challenging (but then, who doesn't have challeneges). now his mom otoh, we could never even talk about this with her because she would see it as us saying "there's something wrong with M." she would totally misinterpret what we would be saying, so we just don't go there with her. (just some quick background, MIL had a fit when we had dd assesed and enrolled in EI for some gross motor delay issues.) but your situation is quite different. we haven't lived with the realization that dh is an aspie for very long, but maybe some other ppl here would have some suggestions for you. i have another question that i hope doesn't get lost in the "i'm right, you're wrong" posts. (i think we all need something a little different, and with some understanding and patience we can all get it here.) when we had dd, dh had a really hard time with all of the "attention" i was getting. he felt jealous and left out at times. everyone talked to him too about how everything went, complimented him on being a great partner and having a beautiful dd that looked just like him. but isn't it a little understandable that after 3 days of labour and birthing a child that shredded my bottom (her hand was pressed to her forehead and elbow was thrown out away from her body when she was born--ouch) that ppl would want to baby me a little? we're TTC#2, and my biggest worry is that we'll go through all of that misunderstanding again. have any of you experienced something similar with your DPs? any helpful suggestions or hints on how to get through that more smoothly than we did last time? he was so wonderful, strong and selfless during the labor and birth. it's just the post-partum period that was a struggle for us.

 

[meowee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meg_s I have a question about tact. How did you approach the issue with your spouses, if they did not know beforehand? My mother is very intelligent, and I am afraid of her reaction being one of defensiveness and anger, and feeling like she is being told she has a disorder or something rather than just, yeah, your brain works a little differently which is why you don't relate to us and us you - so here is a good way to understand things.

I was told by several people that I had AS before I ever considered it a possibility. I basically told them where they could shove their pseudoscience. It wasn't until about 4 years ago that it suddenly hit me-- and hit me very hard-- that they were probably right. I guess I always assumed it was normal for a child (as I did when I was a child) to wear the same clothes every day, self injure, have no friends, offend and shock people right and left, and be smarter than most kids in the class.

Anyway my point is that there is no tactful way to say it-- unless they are open to the idea, they will be offended (as I was). Try to find a nicely put together web site about it maybe, or just mention that you saw something on the news or heard something on the radio that reminded you of them.

I still do wonder if I just have a terrible personality and deep social flaws and not a "syndrome." Or if the syndrome that has come to be known as AS is indeed just that-- a socially flawed personality not necessarily associated with what we know as classic autism. But that's a whole other thread.

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

*

 

[Pynki]

Quote:

Originally Posted by beansavi Welcome. If it helps at all (though maybe only a tiny bit), I am here for you. I can listen, compare experiences, or just talk about chocolate pudding. Whatever.

Thank-you. To make it that much worse for me, that woman was a friend of mine, as close to me as a sister. It literally tore me up inside.

I find I am REALLY protective of my husband with this. He is always so hurt and baffled when people percieve him to be that way.

 

[mamababamba]

subbing....will write more when I am over this cold but so happy to have an mdc discussion on this

:

 

[ex-stasis]

I have A couple questions for everyone.

Does having an Aspie partner affect:
1) your views on vaccination?
2) how many children you will have?

Coming to the realization that DH may have AS, it makes me even more nervous about vaccinating. If autism is in the family, I don't want to do anything that will make it more likely that my children will be affected.

DH and I had a talk the other day in which we both agreed that three children would be the perfect number for our family. However, we both agreed that we are not stable enough to add any more children and so we're stopping at 2. As it is I already feel like I have too much on my plate.. two kids and a husband who needs pretty much constant attention, help and monitoring. DH admits that he is "not very stable" and so three kids probably would lead to not a very good family situation for us. As it is we're holding on with two.

I feel a little bit sad at the thought of not having any more babies, especially when we both feel like 3 could be the right number... but I feel a bit relieved too that we both agree that 3 is too much for us. Does that even make any sense?!

 

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by meowee I still do wonder if I just have a terrible personality and deep social flaws and not a "syndrome." Or if the syndrome that has come to be known as AS is indeed just that-- a socially flawed personality not necessarily associated with what we know as classic autism. But that's a whole other thread.

I'm pretty sure DH secretly suspects this, too, about himself. He sometimes says, "Maybe I just have an anti-social personality disorder. Maybe I'm really just an asshole." He's brilliant, gifted, and so tortured some of the time. I wish I knew how to help him out of these moments... to me, he is beautiful, and I'll bet you are, too.

 

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ex-stasis I have A couple questions for everyone. Does having an Aspie partner affect: 1) your views on vaccination? 2) how many children you will have?

We're delaying vaccinations. I don't really believe vacs cause autism, but, hey... might as well be careful just in case. I would also like to not be afraid to vaccinate because I would like to believe there's nothing wrong with having a child on the spectrum and so why would I try to prevent autism from happening? But I'm not there yet.

I wanted to have a huge family. But DH is unable to tolerate much chaos, and he doesn't want more children, and I'm pretty alone in the parenting anyway and with DD being somewhat high needs I don't think I could add another child to our family without it being very very difficult. I am disappointed that we won't have more children. I try not to think about it.