[momma4fun]

Beansavi, thank you for starting this thread and being so kind to offer yourself up as a supporter!! DH and I got married in 2004. He was so busy with grad school and his hobbies and preoccupations that I put my pre-marriage social life on hold to try and connect with him whenever I could get the chance. The connection, plus sex life, kept not happening, and I thought I was unattractive to him. So my problems with self-image began, and I really avoided a social life outside the marriage. Then I gained 80 pounds from back to back pregnancies while suffering from depression and further isolated myself, and last year we moved cross country!

So now I'm in a new place, and since I've been doing nothing but talking to my kids and feeling sorry for myself, and butting heads with my Aspie, I"M feeling socially awkward. I feel like I'm not myself and I don't know how to get that back. It feels strange to begina new friendship with someone when I've felt invalidated and unheard for so long. I begin to see a therapist next week.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ex-stasis I have A couple questions for everyone. Does having an Aspie partner affect: 1) your views on vaccination? 2) how many children you will have?

1) I'm really glad I've chosen NOT to vaccinate my girls. Not only have I always believed that vax are linked to autism but I've also seen other chemical sensitivities in DH. Aspartame (diet soda) gives him extreme nerve pain in his legs, we;ve discovered.

As a side note, I have to mention that .half a gallon of raw milk/day, plus also a switch from his junk food vegetarian diet to a traditional foods diet has made what I would call an 85% improvement in his sensory difficulties and his attention span.

2) We have stopped at 3 children. We always wanted 5. Our 1 dd was from a previous marriage of mine and the 3rd was a woops that happened when the middle one was 4 months old.

DH is incapable of supporting me when I'm pregnant or sick (and I have morning sickness the entire 9 months) In fact he completely shuts down, as pp mentioned -- it's too much for him to handle, so he either gets extremely angry at me for being sick or literally falls asleep.

 

[meowee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie I'm pretty sure DH secretly suspects this, too, about himself. He sometimes says, "Maybe I just have an anti-social personality disorder. Maybe I'm really just an asshole." He's brilliant, gifted, and so tortured some of the time. I wish I knew how to help him out of these moments... to me, he is beautiful, and I'll bet you are, too.

Thanks... you almost made me cry! I don't cry easily (what a surprise...).

Actually I do believe Asperger's Syndrome is a true syndrome, in that it is a clinically identifiable group of people. However, I do have my doubts as to whether it is truly associated with classic autism or not. NLD (non-verbal learning disorder) is virtually identical to the Asperger's description but is not placed in the same category as autism. In other words someone identified this same group of people, but approached it from a learning disorder perspective, not an autism perspective. But I think NLD and AS refer to the same group of individuals.

I guess it will be up to the neurologists to figure it out.

 

[meowee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ex-stasis I have A couple questions for everyone. Does having an Aspie partner affect: 1) your views on vaccination? 2) how many children you will have?

I do think autism is genetic, but I think there is a slight possibility that an epigenetic event (where a gene or group of genes is silenced by an outward influence) could be triggered by vaccines. But I think it is predominantly genetic and not subject to epigenetic events by definition.

But my slight concern led me not to vaccinate my DD age 2... but she is nonverbal and was just diagnosed with PPD. So it made no difference for her. My 3 NT girls were all fully vaccinated, 2 of them were delayed, though. My HFA son was fully vaccinated.

We have a lot of children-- too many probably for someone with AS "issues." My DH has traits more but I am "worse" than he is. If I were able to sit back and look at the issue of children without emotion, we probably should have just had 1, maybe 2. The noise and privacy factors are issues but we survive.

I am concerned that as DH ages we could produce a profoundly autistic child, assuming that AS and classic autism are genetically linked. (Older men are more likely to produce children with classic autism.) So I am considering stopping where we are, but it is a hard decision. I enjoy being pregnant.

 

[20605]

I am subbing here too. Hubby definitely fits the description. But I love him, respect him, he is my best friend. It is great to have a group to discuss issues with when he is being his "curmudgeon" self!

I will write more later...but thanks for starting this thread.

 

[beansavi]

Sheesh. Well ain't this good timing. My darling husband has just had one of his "moments."

While I studied w/ ds1 and dd for their cumulative exams, dh was in charge of putting the toddler to bed. I had left a large box of Christmas presents on the bed (still in the shipping box) and had talked to him about how I looked thru it this afternoon to check and see if everything -all $261.00 worth of merchandise, spent from my savings account, some fragile) was there. I shopped early this year and got ahead of the game.

Well I just went back to nurse the toddler back down (we co-sleep) and the box is there...across the floor, on it's side with half the items spilled out of it. I asked him about it and he said the toddler was crying because he wanted me, not dh, and he only had one hand to get the box off out double bed. Couldn't push it over, couldn't lay on the other side of the bed, couldn't let it gently fall to the foot of the bed on the floor.... had to take one hand and yank it by the cardboard flap opening and throw it across the room.

Why? Because he said (and I quote), "You did not involve me in any of our Christmas shopping and so I did not know if anything in there was fragile."

Our Christmas shopping is not "over". I bought early with money I had left over from what I saved for school, and tried to make things easier for all of us so we could enjoy the season. I was thinking we could relax and not have to shop. we talked about this. I talked to him about everything on the list I wanted to buy (all online so he saw the items,too).

Bottom line, he just flipped out that he could not get on iTunes and the baby was screaming.

He did not look me in the eye once while he was blaming me. And he had that sam old smirk on his face.

I swear, even tho' the whole world can read this post, I don't care: I am not so sure I can remain married to someone who acts like this. I am speaking very nicely as to avoid UA violations right now!

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Oh, beansavi. I have so been there right where you are. "He/she's crying. He/she only wants you." How many times have I heard that while nursing, comforting, dressing, wiping, practicing violin with, or carrying in from the car another of our three children? And since he/she only wants me, off goes dh to do something for himself (like snack or read the paper or bounce on the trampoline) while baby/toddler/child cries on unattended, often alone on a bed in a dark room or bathroom!

Three children is so many when the buck stops with you day after day, night after night. This is why we won't be having any more, plus the fact that I don't think I could physically survive another postpartum period with dh, plus the fact that we'd have to pawn the dog to meet our budget.

And your box of gifts shoved off the bed, so carefully selected, and early at that ... I'm so sorry.

My dh, to whom "things" can sometimes be soooooo important, could easily have done something similar. And then I would have heard something like, "Well, why'd you leave it on the bed in the first place if it's so important? And how much did you spend, anyway? How are we going to pay off our debt? You said you'd fold the laundry today."

Some people might say, "So he dumped the box, what's the big deal? He's stressed, the baby was stressed, he lost it - give him a break." And that's one way to look at it. And sometimes I can look at it that way. But when all the little disconnects and "can'ts/won'ts" build up and I haven't had a break for days on end, I can't see anything but that I'm on my own here and I feel like a single parent of 3 children and an adult. I get where your anger is coming from.

FWIW, I think my dh gets stressed because he WANTS to comfort dc but doesn't know how and can't understand why he can't or why they won't be comforted and this hurts and frustrates him (of course you can't see any of this on the outside nor does he express it verbally) to the point where he shuts down, tunes out, and makes weird, inappropriate comments which usually sound like criticism, judgment and blame. Sometimes these comments are directed at the kids, sometimes at me. Then he doesn't connect his comments to my/their being upset. He suggests maybe I'm tired or hungry or need to exercise! Hey, maybe I do. But the kids still need to be wiped, held, nursed, fed, put to bed, etc. etc. etc. so if we could do it TOGETHER, like PARTNERS, it MIGHT give me time to recharge my batteries so I'm not so reactive, KWIM? Bottom line, though, is that doing it like partners is just an idea in my head. If I don't drop that idea and realize that we are doing it like partners and this is what partnering with him looks like, I'm going to an early grave.

:

I AM sorry you're feeling this way. I'm wondering - if you don't mind sharing - how did you react? Did you calmly pick up the box and its contents, then lie down and nurse the baby to sleep? Or did you lose it? Or is there another option?

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[beansavi]

Hi Peatmom,

How did I react at first? Well, I wasn't sure how the box got like that, and I was afraid one of the kids got into it. So I asked dh about it, and he said he pulled it off the bed...and all the rest of the lovely comments I shared earlier.

Then how did I react? Without raising my voice (which took every fiber of my being), I told him that was a really immature thing to do and that it hurt my feelings. All this time he never looked at me, and made the comments about the shopping.

Gosh I am SO VENTING now! Arg! So much of what you said above is true and good for me to hear...again.

Just when I think I have accepted dh for who he is and how he partners and parents...he goes and does something really really hurtful and I start thinking I cannot-and will not- live a life like this any longer.

God, I mean, don't I deserve a man as my partner? How come no one told me he had an emotional and cognitive handicap? Why was I not able to see this important feature before getting into what sometimes feels like a tangled web with him?

So much of his aspie traits were disguised as endearing features when we were dating: getting every single Grateful Dead ticket for every single tour, tracking down specific shows and someone who owned the tape and going over and taping a copy from the guy and drinking a beer (pre-iTunes era), collecting thousands upon thousands of comic books....within weeks of discovering certain titles. I mean, this man went out to get me a breast pump right after ds1 was born, and was MIA for a while...at the comic book store! We are talking like a day after the birth and I was home alone, thirsty, crampy from birthing a 10.6 pounder....

kay. Vent done.

I am just feeling those lonely feelings right now. Like you said, I have three children, a husband, and I am a single mother. And the husband does more to undermine the flow and joy in this household than any child ever could. It would literally be easier to single parent my three children than to live with dh here. I know, because I have done it before. We separated for 18 months a few years ago over this stuff.

 

[beansavi]

PS Peat, I forgot to say "Thank you" for your support.

I appreciate you sharing your personal experiences so openly. It helped a LOT and I am deeply grateful.

 

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I've been there, too, Beansavi. And I wish I could say things as well as Peatmom... the utter self-absorption and complete focus on doing what they want to be doing is so difficult sometimes... I want to shake him and scream, "it isn't ALL ABOUT YOU!!! Wake up; you're part of a family!!!"

The worst time of the year is coming up for me. I used to love, love, LOVE Christmas. But Christmas with DH is horrible... I have GOT to, somehow, find a way to give my expectations and make it what I want it to be for me and DD, maybe going completely around him if I have to, and having Christmas morning with friends or something.

Hey! Lets rent a rustic victorian cottage for a day, and you bring your kids and I'll bring mine, and we'll leave our DHs at home on Christmas day to play WoW or Itunes or whatever it is they really would rather be doing, and we'll open presents by the fire and sip wine and watch our kids laugh and play.

 

[beansavi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie I've been there, too, Beansavi. And I wish I could say things as well as Peatmom... the utter self-absorption and complete focus on doing what they want to be doing is so difficult sometimes... I want to shake him and scream, "it isn't ALL ABOUT YOU!!! Wake up; you're part of a family!!!" The worst time of the year is coming up for me. I used to love, love, LOVE Christmas. But Christmas with DH is horrible... I have GOT to, somehow, find a way to give my expectations and make it what I want it to be for me and DD, maybe going completely around him if I have to, and having Christmas morning with friends or something. Hey! Lets rent a rustic victorian cottage for a day, and you bring your kids and I'll bring mine, and we'll leave our DHs at home on Christmas day to play WoW or Itunes or whatever it is they really would rather be doing, and we'll open presents by the fire and sip wine and watch our kids laugh and play.

"Wake up!" is a mantra around here, lately.

:

OMG I will SO meet you in that cottage! Count me in!

 

[flutemandolin]

*subbing*

I have seen my dh in more than one of the few posts I read! In fact, my exact words to him last night were "IT ISN'T ALL ABOUT YOU!"

More later when I catch up.

 

[Trinitty]

:

How interesting. It's something I wondered about years ago. I don't like "labels" but this is really really interesting reading. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Trin.

 

[beansavi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by flutemandolin *subbing* I have seen my dh in more than one of the few posts I read! In fact, my exact words to him last night were "IT ISN'T ALL ABOUT YOU!" More later when I catch up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trinitty : How interesting. It's something I wondered about years ago. I don't like "labels" but this is really really interesting reading. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Trin.

Hi and welcome.

I can vouch for labeling in this sense: it has helped me validate my experiences with dh beyond just feeling confused... kwim?

 

[SquibsNCrackers]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trinitty : How interesting. It's something I wondered about years ago. I don't like "labels" but this is really really interesting reading. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Trin.

Yep, I'm not keen on labels, either. And, at this stage of the game, dh is not likely to spend time, money and energy on acquiring an official label. Nor do I see any benefit for him or us in doing so.

Still, like you, this is something I've wondered about for some time. Reading the posts here and on previous "aspie" posts and on other "aspie partner" boards, I am blown away by the feelings of recognition and identification they evoke. After years of trying to figure out what's going on, and feeling strongly that there was something I was just NOT getting, I feel a great sense of relief in having a vocabulary to describe my experience, and validation that others have experienced the same things. And it really does seem like the SAME things - not just similar, the same!! Weird!

Some may find such a revelation depressing. I find it liberating and inspiring. (Today, anyway

).

 

[beansavi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by peatmom Some may find such a revelation depressing. I find it liberating and inspiring. (Today, anyway ).

yep, me, too.

 

[Devaskyla]

I just wanted to say hi. I've thought for quite a long time that I at least have some 'traits' of asperger's. Some of your comments really fit me. And a bunch of others *really* fit dh. I never considered it before, actually. He get so mad at me sometimes, though, and just doesn't seem to understand that I can't help it. I've been thinking about trying to find out if I'm right, or if I'm just anti-social, lacking in empathy and stupid. Maybe if someone actually said that it was part of me, he wouldn't get so mad.

Sorry to butt in on your support thread, I'll go back to lurking now.

 

[beansavi]

Hi Deva, thanks for giving us a glimpse into the other perspective while still supporting our little group venture here.

I appreciate both!

BTW, I am certain you are not "stupid". Life can be hard for everyone at some point, and some us just have a very clear picture of exactly what it is we need to work through in life, kwim? I am feeling at peace with it all... for today, at least.

 

[momma4fun]

Hey everybody. I keep on wanting to come in here and post and then I begin and soon realize it'll be way too long and emotional of a post when I have so many other things on my plate, such as being a seemingly single mother to my 3 daughters aged 7, 2 and 1, and being my own support system on top of dealing with dh. (Do you ever think that if you could just get rid of your emotions that life would be better with your Aspie? And then get miserable thinking what kind of life that would be for you and the kids?)

I will keep on reading. I'm just so overwhelmed right now with lack of support. I'm beginning to see a therapist for depression this week and I'm not sure how much she knows about AS, so we'll see, but yeah: There's such a lack of support for us it seems!!!!

Oh and how do you deal with telling your kids? My 7 year old gets SOOO frustrated and hurt (emotionally) by dad sometimes. Normally I try to remain calm for her and distract her and tell DH he needs to go apologize immediately (and he usually does). But today I realized I needed to break it to her when she cried about how "stupid boys are" after he was short with her. I TOLD HER THAT DAD IS DIFFERENTLY ABLED and doesn't understand things the way we do. I'm shocked that it has come to this (not that it's a bad thing) but it's just not anything I ever expected to have to handle in life. That was pretty much all I said, I'm going to leave it to her to ask questions in the future as she processes it (that's my general teaching style with the girls, introducing the basics through real life experiences and then further describing/naming things as their curiosity arises)......

What would you have done/have you done in your situation? Would you be more open about it from the get go? (Keep in mind we only discovered AS recently).

 

[happyhippimama]

WOW. I clicked on this thread because I wondered what aspies was. It's funny. DH and I have both talked several times about aspergers and it being very close to HIM, kwim.

I guess it's gonna take me a while to read all of these post. Thank you for starting it mama.

 

[ex-stasis]

We are currently enduring another "episode". It seems like our major issue is DH's sleeping problems. He has a really big problem getting to bed at night and will sometimes (frequently, in the past, but thankfully not so much now that he has to go to work outside the home) stay up all night. For some reason he thinks that it is my responsibility to "help" him go to bed at night. I find this extremely frustrating because he is not nice about it at all. he fights me tooth and nail. He basically calls me stupid for not being able to do this successfully. Last night as I was trying to coax him to go to bed after watching a bit of TV, he totally pulled away from me (total rejection it felt like) and then started the speech that is too familiar lately about how "short-sighted" I am. When i said something in response to that he laughed and then I started to cry.

So this morning we are dealing with fallout. DH's way of dealing is to not talk. He is currently curled up in bed pretending none of us exist.

I'm so tired of DH's sleep being my responsibility. Why is it my responsibility? I understand that I need to put my two year old and my 6mo to bed and help them get to sleep, but why do I have to put my DH to bed too?! It is totally insane.

I started reading "An Asperger Marriage" yesterday and I found another message board called "AS ans relationships that work" on which the AS husband from the book posts help for people who ask questions on the board. He is quite helpful, it seems... but I just can't do anything with DH when he is in recluse-mode.

Can anyone relate to this?

Sigh.