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lonely mom

473 Views 6 Replies 6 Participants Last post by  detergentdiva
We just celebrated my child's second b'day tonight with friends and family, including my two wonderful step-children from my husband's first marriage.

Our marriage is one of the sad ones. We sadly do not fulfill each other's important needs, namely emotional intimacy. It's not that either of us is a poor communicator, but rather that frankly, the love is not there. We got married too quickly then had a baby right away.

The sadness is a chronic state between us, but we don't want to break up our young family, so getting out is not what I want. I suppose that I am not looking for solutions, but rather for a place to vent and gain support. We barely spoke to each other all day and not at all during the party, save for "could you pls. move that chair inside?"

It is just so difficult not to share the joy of these or any other occassions with one's partner. He didn't say that I looked nice, or that I did a good job organizing, or anything. That is par for the course. I do give him some of that kind of validation, but I've been much more reticent myself since he doesn't do the same. I know, however, that I fail to meet some of his needs too, so it's not a blame game.

He is closer to his 13 year old daughter, that is, more comfortable and caring with her, than with me. I am not looking for advice, since I can only give you a sliver of my situation, but rather for --I don't know'-- a hug???

It's hard to be a young mother, totally in love with her first born and in an unhappy marriage (no goodnight kisses...)


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You need marriage counseling to rediscover that something that got you together
as far as validation. well, my DH and I do not comment of eveything we do....we just kno. we been together for a long time and now we ahve that "mysterious communication" Tolstoy write around
Do not wait for his validation or being nice to you. do waht you think you should do to see if he resposnd. Like you know some moms do not love their kid or bond tot hem the moment they are born but tehy still nurse them and go thru all the motions and cuddling etc...and then 8-9 months altter, WOW, they ahve that incredibale feeling they only heard about before
Here's a (((((hug))))) for you. I second the marriage counseling idea for you and dh.
Thanks for your replies. We've been to marital counseling, which did help a great deal at the time. However, that was when we were a bottomless pit of agony and pain. Now, at least we function as a family, just with the scenes that many of us lived out with our own parents when they were unhappy. that is, that I am more attentive to my son and he to his daughter to try to get some of the love and attention that we all need without, of course, straying outside the marital boundaries.

We have talks, we have fights, we express our feelings, we try... it's not there and if forced to admit it, so be it... it probably never was. We had each lost the love of our lives some years ago. We met many of each other's needs at the time, and seemed to share the same values and goals.
Time and circumstances have changed some of even that.

There is no other place to get those needs met outside of a love relationship. The pain and lonliness are so great. And even with tremendously diminished expectations every missed connection or desire unfulfilled hurts deeply. I adapt to it by become harder and more bitter, which is I guess how people can turn out when they've lived without love for too long. Only towards him though. My friendships are wonderful, I have family and career interests, as well as my son, so the worst of me--of us--I suppose comes out towards each other. Otherwise you learn to function well enough to do alright.

I guess the only solution is to keep seeking healthy sources of support, which is why I'm here.

Thank you for listening, if you've made it this far!
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We expect so much of our love relationships - fulfillment, wholeness, happiness, passion etc etc etc

I've found that me and dh are not "in love" a la movies or even a la the couteships of my 20s. He is not my soul mate. Rather he is my companion.

It might be that you both are mismatched, but it might be that you both are expecting too much from a marriage.

Willing arranged marriages do work in societies that practice them (and by work I mean produce happy marriages, happy couples). So maybe marriage isn't as much about chemistry and persoanl fulfillment as the decision to care for someone and vis versa. It is also true, however, that these societies also have large networks of family and community support that we don't have in our segmented nuclear families. It is natural that we look to the home to fulfill all our needs when our relatives and friends are scattered about the country each thinking they should fullfil all their needs within the walls of thier own house.

I am sorry you feel so alone. As others stated above, I do think your family may be salvageble with counseling and/or book-reading and work (and maybe letting go of some expectations that may be culturally sanctioned but still impossible to meet.)

Good luck

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that can be a very hard place to be in. Please find some "friends" for you to get your emotional support from
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