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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hi everyone-<br>
i'm new here. i'm a WOHM to a beautiful 8 month old boy. he's incredible.<br><br>
my problem is that almost everyone i know is a SAHM, and as a full time working mama, i feel lonely, unsupported, and just plain left out! even when they try, i feel like my SAHM friends just can't relate to my life. i've tried to get involved in mom and baby groups and activities, but everything seems geared for SAHMs.<br><br>
does anyone else struggle with this? where do you find support as a working mom?<br><br>
thanks!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> I feel the same way... I guess I try to find support on message boards, but mostly I just feel alone.
 

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maybe it depends on where you live. where i am, we started a mom's group that meets during the late afternoon so those of us who work can attend. most of are WOHM and maybe one is a SAHM.<br><br>
perhaps you could start your own group? i met these people through a combo of prenatal yoga, from freecycle and word of mouth.
 

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The mom's group I joined years ago when pregnant with #1 was all sahm's. I rarely got to do activities with them - with the exception of mom's nights out or days at the Museum where I work. But I had no wohm friends who parented the way I did so I made a concerted effort to keep in regular contact. We were/are also an email group and we keep in touch daily that way.<br><br>
I was always able to add a different perspective to the discussions which I think was helpful for all of us. After we'd been together for a little over a year, 3 of the dads got laid off nearly at the same time! Mom's went back to work immediately. It made for another very interesting dynamic. Now, 5 years later we still keep in touch daily, although because many have moved away and some are working out of the home and some working in the home we don't do play dates. We do quarterly mom's nights out.<br><br>
It wasn't the most comfortable situation always, with the conversations being geared towards sahm life, but I stuck it out and we all became, and remain, close friends. Also, at the time I was working out of necessity, not choice, and I think that made a difference in my thinking. Now, although I'm still working out of necessity, I believe if I didn't have to work out of the home, I still would.<br><br>
Some other things I do to keep in touch with like-minded parents are regularly attend evening LLL meetings and a weekend play date set up by moms here at MDC.<br><br>
Hang in there. It can be a challenge, but its not impossible!
 

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I know what you mean. When my DD was in co-op preschool DH and I would go to the parent meetings and no one would talk to me- it was like I didn’t even exist. Every other woman there was a SAHM. I didn’t know any other WOHM moms who weren’t the give the baby a bottle and leave it to cry it in crib type. I often felt that SAHMs who parented more like I did really looked down at me- how could I really be an attached mother if I was gone all day? When DD was a toddler, one woman told me that DD probably wouldn’t have weaned herself at 16 months if I had been available for her to nurse. The lack of support can be really hard.<br><br>
As DD got older I got more confident, though, and when DS was born the differences didn’t bother me as much. I met some people through LLL who provide a lot of support- not just for working and breastfeeding, but parenting in general. There are some WOHM and some SAHM and many do something in between. This forum is also a good source of support. Also- when your babe is small (and especially your first)- it is easy to feel isolated and lonely. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I talk to a friend at work who is going to have her first and though she's not exactly of the same mind as I am (and who is exactly the same anyway), she's close enough that we can discuss parenting, etc. I also had friends at my old job I could do that with. I have another friend who is a SAHM (she's here with her husband who's on a work visa and couldn't legally work anyway) who's parenting views are somewhat different from mine, but it hasn't really been an issue (so far), but we weren't swapping baby tips b/c we met recently after our sons were both toddlers and fewer issues seem to come up. I know she thinks I'm a little nuts for going for homebirth, but generally hasn't said much-- we're both live and let live sort of people for the most part, so it's not a big issue between us.<br><br>
I also participate in ICAN and a local homebirth group set up by my midwife, where the topics are sort of more narrowly focused generally and there are both SAHM and WOHM moms (esp in ICAN), so the whole WOHM/SAHM division that (I personally think) shouldn't exist between women but unfortunately always seems to raise its ugly head is minimized. I also belong to a local NFL yahoo group list for info, and was considering in the past attending gatherings, but after a recent mommy war in which most of the members made it clear they have little respect for WOHMs (the insinuation was by more than one that either you've married the wrong guy if he's not a provider and that's your fault for screwing up or you are making the wrong choice and should choose to live in poverty if necessary to stay at home-- that's what GOOD mothers do), I've gone no mail on it and will only use it for food, natural provider etc. resource info.<br><br>
There are some mom local groups that include both WOHM and SAHM and probably a wide range of parenting styles-- if I didn't have enough social stuff going on already I would check them out. Until you actually meet people or spend a lot of time online with them, I think it's hard to tell what the group would be like.
 

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I think the solution depends on what exactly you need. My two best friends are both WOHMs, but they were good friends long before any of us dreamed of kids. I meet other WOHMs as parents of my DC's school buddies, and am slowly forming some new friendships. DD and I just started a mommy and me gymnastics class that meets at 5:30 in the afternoon so I think that most of us are WOHMs. I think late afternoon or Saturday kid-and-parent activities are more likely to be populated with WOHMs -- we do ones through the local Y.
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">they have little respect for WOHMs (the insinuation was by more than one that either you've married the wrong guy if he's not a provider and that's your fault for screwing up or you are making the wrong choice and should choose to live in poverty if necessary to stay at home-- that's what GOOD mothers do)</div>
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... ugh. That is just unbelievable. I would feel like a leech if I just let my husband be the sole provider. Not that I think SAHMs are leeches, but I personally would feel like a freeloader.<br><br>
To the OP: I work PT, so I joined a local chapter of the MOMS Club, which is supposedly for moms staying at home part- or full-time. I'm pretty much the only one who works at all, and I'm not finding a lot of friends in this group. But the mothers I know outside of the group that I would like to know better are almost all working FT. I'm going to try to set up a weekend playdate with those mamas, because I also feel the need for a greater connection to other working mothers.
 

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Well, I wouldn't feel like a leech staying at home and I don't think my DH is a leech, that's not really the issue as I see it, but I resented the fact that they presumed there is only one RIGHT choice-- THEIRS and anyone making any other choice is really doing it because they are too materialistic, essentially.
 

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Yes, I HATE that about the mommy wars--it's so black and white.<br><br>
Oh, and about the leech thing--that was just a stray thought that came up. I know that isn't the main point; it's the intolerance of other people's decisions and opinions that is infuriating.
 

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I don't know what I'm going to do here... I fear that I'm going to be stuck being a lonely WOHM. I'm the first of my friends to have a baby (assuming he ever decides to come OUT! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> ), and everything in our pretty progressive town that has to do with small babies seems to be focused on full time stay at home parents... all the mommy-and-me groups and new baby support groups, and playgroups are during the early morning, and we don't even have evening LLL meetings. Even the birth center's parenting group meets ONLY during the day on weekdays!<br><br>
So it's not even like I could go there and see if there were any like-minded mamas to talk to who were understanding about my job, since I can't even GO to any of those meetings because I need to be at work. It's like exclusion by scheduling.
 

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I hear you on the exclusion by scheduling thing. I've seen flyers in kids' consignment shops from moms looking for playgroups. Maybe you could post one for a weekend playgroup?
 

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I was in the same boat as far as really feeling the<br>
need to make new friends who were more at the same<br>
place in life that I am (working full time, 2 little<br>
kids, etc.) Most of the moms in this neighborhood are SAHMS. Over the last year I have devoted a lot of<br>
effort to this, and just want to encourage others to<br>
do the same.<br><br>
I did meet some people through the<br>
LLL meeting in the evening. I discovered that a couple<br>
of those women worked where I do, and I suggested we<br>
get together for lunch occassionally. We also put<br>
together a list of everyone we could think of who<br>
works here and has little kids, then I sent out<br>
e-mails to invite them all to have lunch with us once<br>
a month or so. Sadly, we didn't have very good<br>
attendance at those lunches. (I think I e-mailed about<br>
25 women, and we usually had between 4-6 women at<br>
lunch). However I've come up with a "core group" of 3<br>
or 4 women who I'm really enjoying getting to know. So<br>
I think there are people out there, you just have to<br>
make some effort to find them.
 

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I think LLL should have night meetings for working moms, many towns do. That would be an excellent way to meet other like minded mamas who also work during the day. Talk to your local leader, make a suggestion, there may be a lot of people in our area who feel the same.
 

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Our library has children's hour.... in the middle of the day during the week. Such a convenient time for WOHMs. Needless to say, ds and I won't be going to the library for children's hour any time soon.<br><br>
At work, the other women are mostly either much older than me (with grandkids!) or are a little younger, but with no kids.<br><br>
Our daycare does try to get parents together for socializing but for some silly reason, the two occasions that have occurred have coincided with the only two weekends that we had stuff actually planned. We don't have much of a social life, so that conflict was quite maddening.
 

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Hello! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
I work and go to school during the week so weekends are "my time" with the babe! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> We have a Barnes & Noble and a Border's in this town and Border's has a story time on Saturdays @ 10am. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> I have met a TON of WOHMs there! I also met one from the Finding your tribe section here! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Good luck and you're not alone - we're all here for you from all over the globe! How's that for support? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
thank you for all of the responses to my post!<br>
it makes me feel better just knowing that others are dealing with the same issue. i will keep trying to find a network for me and my little one. it's hard when there is so little time left on the weekend... but i think that the effort will be worth it.<br><br>
thanks mamas... i already feel a little less lonely just knowing that you all are out there! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Its a good thing that you already feel better. Just hang in there mama.<br>
Good luck <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I could have sent this post last week!<br><br>
I live and work in a big city. I know many, many wonderful mamas, both in town and on line. BUT what really fiills my cup is a bit of face to face interaction. This board is great, my local NFL/AP group is super, but there are some times that typing something on line just does not do it for me.<br><br>
I keep meeting wonderful mamas, who WANT to get to know me and my family, who have kids the same age, who gosh darn it even live in my neighborhood. But finding a time to get together is really, really hard. I even met a mama just 3 blocks from me this spring. We agreed to buy a CSA share together, which she picked up. That meant I went to her home once a week to pick it up. Half the time I just picked it up in her hallway because our schedules didn't jive.<br><br>
Another new mama, new to the city, who I know through LLL, wants to get to know me. She seems great. I have a date for her - in 2.5 weeks.<br><br>
I have 3 close friends - 2 with kids, who parent like me, and one who is single without kids. They all live outside the city. They are awesome women, who really do support me, and know how to make me feel better and work things out. But even reaching them by phone seems impossible at times. They say "you can call me at 4am!", but you know you're gonna get a message. I had a really bad day/week last week. I actually ended up calling my own mum, because at least I know she will answer the phone.<br><br>
I make a big committment to my LLL meetings, since I get so much out of them. At our evening meetings, there is actually a mix of SAHM and WOHMs, and mums on mat leave too. I have never experienced the SAHM/WOHM wars at our meetings.<br><br>
I still try to get together occasionally with a small group of mums I met on mat leave. We are a mix of SAHMs and WOHMs, and they are truly the mums I can open my heart to with no fear of judgement. But planning the dates is next to impossible! We tried to do a "3rd Sat of the month" thing, but it didn't work out.<br><br>
I actually get a lot of support from a coworked. Her DD and mine went to the same DC (although her DD is older). Even though we parent totally differently, sometimes we still bolster each other up as WOHMs.<br><br>
Sometimes I wonder how I can be surrounded by so many mums, yet feel so isolated. Sorry for the epic - you hit a nerve!
 

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Just wanted to say, I am with you!!!<br><br>
I WOHM and when I get home, dh leaves for his job and I am super-lonely. plus we moved two times since ds was born b/c of my job and I have a hard time getting to know people anyway but these smallish towns make it harder, just fewer resources all around.<br><br>
I noticed that LLL and other activities are all in the middle of the day and then also alot of the AP ideas and neato things people do in an AP way just don't necessarily work when you WOHM....alot of the ideas to be frugal just take too much time that I already don't have and don't want to spend draggin myself and ds trying to do. And it is hard to be relaxed and rhythmical and go with the flow when you have to be somewhere at a certain time. and all that makes me feel lonely too...like caught between two worlds---WOHM/mainstream and SAHM/AP<br><br><br>
Maybe the grass is just greener but being a SAHM sure seems like it would solve a lot of my problems! I'll have to read other posters and get some ideas!
 
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