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Long - but I am desperate for help.

1058 Views 11 Replies 11 Participants Last post by  Softmama
I am asking yall for help because you have all been through this age and stage already. I have a 6yr old and well....just read please.

First off, this is so humiliating for me to even share, so much though that I have created a whole different name to post under

I have a 6yr old little girl. And she is very well-behaved when compared to most children. In fact, she is bright and so very cheerful and bubbly! While most parents would be so delighted with this I feel....overwhelmed. It's just too dang much for me!

I want her to be happy, and cheerful but for some reason the littlest things about her irritate the snot out of me. She can be playing with the dogs, and giggling - and I jump her butt to make her stop. I cannot stand her loud laughter. And her running around (no more than any child her age and I know this logically) drives me batty.

I feel like maybe I don't even like her. I love her - I love her a lot. But like....well....she just seems so annoying. It's humiliating to say and there are tears in my eyes as I type but it's the honest truth. I feel like Im constantly telling her to stop, and no, and be quiet. Probably making her think she is nothing more than a huge inconvienance to me.

She wants to snuggle and I frankly just don't wanna be touched. WHY AM I LIKE THIS??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? It wasn't always this way - when she was a baby I was more attentive and loved her snuggles and her laughter was the light of my life. It's only these last few months that I am realizing I am doing nothing more than being exactly what my name says, "Mommie Dearest" no- I dont beat her with hangers or make her scrub the floors (in fact, she only has to keep her room cleaned really), but every aspect of her I control, she does NOTHING if I dont tell her she can first( she says I "torture" her and she hates me
), and Im missing a lot of those "treasured moments" because of my distancing myself from her.

There is NOTHING wrong with her - she is doing nothign to derserve this - this is all me and I dont know WHY. I need to know if this is somethign that all mothers go through - a sort of disenchantment, or is this something I can seek help with. Will this feeling go away?

Please Don't flame me - Im asking honestly and broken heartedly. I truly hate myself at the moment and don't need more hate spewed. I do appreciate tactful honesty though. I've got my big girl panties on and can handle the truth.
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This may have nothing to do with things, but what was your life like when you were the age your DD is now?

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Is it possible her bubbliness and loud laugh remind you of someone you really dont like?

Originally Posted by MariaMadly View Post
This may have nothing to do with things, but what was your life like when you were the age your DD is now?

Honestly, I remember being little and reading books to my mother as she fell asleep.....that's the only decent memory I have as a young child her age regarding my own mother.
My father stayed home with us and she worked. He diciplined us with spankings but I remember him talking to us a lot about why and such - he was a lot more patient (and I think this is why spankings really never traumatized me. I knew my dad loved me and I knew exactly why I was being spanked. In fact, I remember asking him if he would just spank me to get it over with so I wouldn't have to listen to lecture! LOL!). My mom would come home from work and though I would never say she was awful - she had a lot of rules, and there was no lee-way with her. She angered quickly, and diciplined quickly.

Now though - actually since I got married - my relationship with her is fantastic. In fact, I'd venture to say she is my best friend. But I do notice, when she is with my daughter - she seems so loving and gentle and more patient than myself. And sometimes it does bother me that I just don't recall her being that way with me as a child. I only really remember clearly the naps, and maybe that's why. Because that WAS the only bonding moments???

Im glad you asked this question - because Im starting to see connections. My mother was not the snuggly type (in fact I think maybe this is also how my grandmother was with them), she told us she loved us but she was mostly seen coming home from work stressed and with no tolerance for anything my brother and I had up our sleeves.

So how do I fix the fact that I might have literally become my own mother? If this is how SHE was feeling - then I understand why she was the way she was - but I know it's not the way I WANT to be with my daughter. But how do I change that when it feels completely unnatural and aggravating?

Thanks in advance for any and all help. Im in a bad place as a parent right now and it's hurting me terribly.
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How is your life overall? Are you a single mom or having money problems, etc.
I mean, sometimes we are having really bad times, and we put our frustrations towards the people that can hurt us.
6 years can be hard too, all years are, but there are ones more than others.
I remember my daughter at this age, she talk none stop
and they were not even real conversations.
Mom, what would you do if you were green?
What would you do if a elephant would ask you to become rice?
Of course when I was calm and no so tired this would become very fun conversations, but when I was tired, worry, stress, it was so difficult to find my silly self and keep it up with her.
Another possibility is that that your life have change (all women life change when having kids) and you wanted or not, blame her for the difficult changes on your life?
Or maybe you are going through a depression that doesn't have nothing to do with your daughter but you are unable to be happy?
Unfortunately, I am not an expert and I really don't know what to recommend you besides give you my point of view and tell you about my relationship with my now teen.
When she born I was very young, uneducated and all alone.
It was a very difficult time in our lifes, and many times I was so tired and so worry I could slow down and enjoy her, I felt really bad about it but I couldn't help myself.
I often had thoughts that it would have being easy if I didn't have a kid so young, or if the father wasn't a .... no so nice person

Something that help me was to keep telling myself: Be a good mom today.
I know it sounds stupid and simple, but it help me.
Are you a SATM? maybe you need a break during the day and just go out and get away for home alone, just relax.
I was a working mom, and sometimes had a bad day at work and come home to find mess, and obligations and the little one wanted to play and it was hard, and many times I lose it, and I feel very bad about it. Others I manage myself and told myself be a good mom today and lets see hope tomorrow is a better day.
Oh, and something I learn.
Unless your house is such a mess that is not where to sit and eat, no clean clothes and barely space to walk, if you don't wash the dishes one day,if you eat frozen dinner one day, or if you don't do laundry for a week or longer, NOTHING HAPPENS, they don't remember Sep 12 2002 when you didn't the dishes, they don't remember if that week laundry wasn't done. But they will remember if lose your mind.
Perhaps a remedy is to schedule fun time and alone time.
In fun time make an afford to enjoy her (her laugh her silly self) and also have some alone time (where she would be in her room playing and you will cool down.
Your little one is going through a nice and annoying phase, they talk a lot, they don't make much sense, it doesn't help when they don't do the chores (that I still diling with at 12!!!). But it does get better, don't let your relationship with her get destroy for this age related things.
Wish you peace and calm.
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I didn't read the other replies but your post makes me think you are dealing with some serious depression. I think seeking out a counselor to help you sort through these feelings would be a good place to start.
Moved from Preteens and Teens to The Childhood Years - parents of teens who have already parented a child through these years are always welcome to post here, too.
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I was going to say this on your other post but I didn't know if it was going too far- it sounds to me like you're stressed out, maybe a little depressed, and you might be getting a little tired of being around your daughter all the time.


It doesn't sound to me like you're torturing her. She might be at a stage where she is feeling restricted by rules and frustrated with having to have responsibilities. My daughter gave me a lot of those "worst mommy in the WORLD" speeches when I started really working with her to get her chores done around the house and she's almost 6.

If you feel like you're withdrawing from her, try spending some no-pressure time together. Go out somewhere so you're not making a mess at home or getting the dogs riled up and just enjoy her company.
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I just read the post about your relationship with your mother, and how you are "becoming your mother." The best suggestion I have for this is to read a book called "Mothering Without A Map" I don't know the author off the top of my head, but I will edit and post it in here when I get a chance. It's a fabulous book, and it has completely helped me seek ways to not be like my mother (who was loving and tender but then snapped randomly and became physically and emotionally abusive.... and guess what? my mother was abused by her biological mother before being put in a foster home) I definitely believe the first step to breaking the cycle is to first recognize you're doing it. Then, the next step is to read that book .... seriously. It changed everything for me.
Does it help to know that there are others just like you? Or at least 1. That would be me. My DD is 7. I am a quiet introvert. She is a loud, ACTIVE extrovert. She is very touchy and I have touch issues. She sometimes grates on my every nerve and I find myself with a never ending litany of "Please stop doing X". A lot.

Big major change a few months ago when I finally realized that actually, she wasn't just like the other 6 YOs in her class. She was way more active, unable to sit and listen, unable to focus or stop moving. So, after a definite ADHD diagnosis and the decision to go ahead with medication, life has gotten much much much better. For everyone -- her, me, her schoolmates, her teachers... So, before deciding its all you, have a talk with her teacher and see what she thinks. They are often very good at spotting issues that we miss. I didn't really want to believe her teacher until I watched DD at a Brownie sleepover night and was utterly stunned when I realized how different she was.

Other things that have helped over the years (and we've pretty much been like this since she started talking and running -- that would be 10 months or so).
* Lots of outside playtime. Neighborhood playmates help, but imported playmates are good too, just more work. My most frequent line these days is "Why don't you go play outside."
* Organized sports -- her's is gymnastics and she really good at it.
* I would never in a million years homeschool because I would absolutely kill her.
* Finally realizing that it is OK to be in another part of the house sometimes when she is playing. She doesn't need constant supervision and if I'm not around, I can't get annoyed.
* A glass of wine with dinner (for me, not her. Though sometimes its tempting...)
* A job. Seriously, I could not be a SAHM with this kid and have her survive. Preschool, employment, FT kindergarten were all necessary things for my sanity and her survival. And I am certain she is better off for it.
* Lots of daycamp during the summer now that she is old enough.

Hope that helps. But truly, it is OK to be different from your child and sometimes put your needs first. In fact, I think it makes us better, more thoughtful mothers. Just try to be as gentle as possible as you send her out to play. Without you. Preferable with enough roam radius that you can barely hear her and only when she shouts for help. :)
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I think you're brave to be so honest. I think if you can be honest with yourself you give yourself the chance to figure out what you really want for and from yourself and you can figure out how to get it. That's what I tell myself anyway! Keep giving yourself compassion and keep brainstorming how you can figure out how to be at peace with yourself and your relationship with your daughter. Let us know how it goes. Please keep coming back with all your feelings.
I get this way when I am off my zoloft. For me it is a depression/anxiety issue. I cannot handle the additional stimulation of the noise/touch. It is a big part of why I am on medication- it helps me be the mother I want to be.
Not saying you need meds, but you might need to look into depression/anxiety.
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