[peacefulmom]

Hello and thank you for reading this...I will try to make as short as possible...My hubbie and I have been married for 3 years and we have a 2.5 year old daughter...my relationship with the inlaws has always been bad...they never have respected me as a women a wife now a mom...They aer very mainstream and believe in hitting yelling and time outs that consist of the other grandaughter, my niece in law standing with her nose on 1 spot on the wall for a long time..they yell and cuss...well 1 year ago we had a huge fight that was because the mother in law was yelling at DH on the phone and I had enough I got on the phone and ended the relationships ...I have been treated so badly for breatsfeeding...I still BF and they thought 6 months was too long, we are all vegetarian, we dont yell or hit, and I have never trusted them so they are mad that they never have babysat...tonight the father in law stopped over and talked to hubbie..we were inside not being seen...he says enough is enough..his wife feels bad, oh yeah after that phone conversation she said fu** you to me and hung up...well he want to meet and put all this in the past I know it is with urgency on his part because I am due with their 1st grandson in 3 weeks....I am so hurt by them and will never trust them around my children there is so much more backstabbing I cant begin..There is the favorite son who is the daddy to lexi the poorly treated daughter and his wife is a royal Bi*** She had hated me from day1..I sucked the gossip and rude comments up for 3 years at their family functions alone with my Lily while my DH worked but I have had enough...they want to resolve this because they miss Lily and want to know their grandson..I am hurt, scared and tired of them..What do I do ..I know this is a personal decision but I need some help..If I meet with them I am emotional and so close to due date I dont want to hurt Baby..I am lost I need some insight....What so I do about a family who has treated me with such direspect and who because my sister married my husbands Brother I still have to see him and holidays....It is so uncomfortable..I need some help

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[Snuggles]

I am in a similar situation. How does DH feel about re-opening the lines of communication?

In my situation, I was ostrasized from the outset. Even before we had children. When I became pregnant, I was approached by DH's mother to build a bridge. I felt I had to at least give it a chance. Things were most uncomfortable at first. I could never trust or like these people, but was willing to work with them towards having something of a relationship with their grand-daughter. It has been a slippery slope and 2-months ago I had to permenantly shut the door. I have no idea what the correct solution could be... all I can say is that I disliked myself intensely any time I had to deal with MIL. DH and I were devoting much of our time dealing with MILs tantrums. Happily, DH and I are on the same side in this matter... but it is so terribly draining. She is hugely manipulative and I feel that I too need to be manipulative to prevent advantage being taken. I lost a lot of sleep about the situation. I would lie awake formulating plans to deal with her when she said x,y or z... or replaying instances where I should have said x,y or z. How can I tell my daughter that we chose to cut contact with her Grandmother? What happens in the future?

But life is peaceful. My brow has unfurrowed drastically. All that MIL could bring to the party was negative for our entire family. We had to part ways.

As far as advice goes for your particular situation, if you feel that you will be regretful if you don't at least try to mend the bridge... then perhaps state your expectations clearly to your ILs. Let them know that you feel vulnerable opening yourself up to further mistreatment... that your parenting decisions are not up for discussion... etc.

But, first and foremost comes the wellbeing of your family... your marriage and your children. If a relationship with the ILs is going to compromise that... it ain't worth it.

In my case, I'm glad I tried. I have confirmed beyond doubt that we can't allow such mean-spirited nastiness into the sanctury of our family.

 

[tea olive]

what a tough time for you! i think what is most important is to own your energy and sanity and happiness.

to start i suggest accepting the offering. this does not mean that you like their actions and does not change how hurt you feel. however it will help close the door on this current problem, for you. all they can expect is your acceptance of them as humans, which sounds like a pretty hard thing already. i would not offer anything else. if i were you i would need to practice some particular phrases for the occasion and say little otherwise. like "i'm sorry that this happenned" "i think things could be better". one could just repeat those things and hopefully they could blame it on pregnantia. one can reply "yes", and "sure" to demands and always change their mind later, for the sake of the moment. apparently they just want to feel better. you allowing them to apologize will help them towards possibly acting better.

i'm advocating this course of action because this way you can at least get over being yelled and cursed at over the phone and know that you were the bigger person, and go back to concentrating on yourself. it will not help you to hold on to the feelings that poison you (and it does not hurt them either!) so all one can hope to accomplish is to file it away as data. of course this is easier said than done. but it can be. i've been practicing controlling "my little brain" for awhile now. i have a long way to go. but i don't need to feel drained by upset, after the first offense. i need to constructively use my shame or anger or fear or leave it behind. for me to not think about everything all the time this means totally focusing on the moment that you are in, whether it be brushing your teeth or playing with your daughter.

after that there is a mess of issues you can choose to deal with or not. i think at some point it is possible for you to have occasional contact without feeling bad. but it will take alot of work and change of habits. i know the only person i can control is myself. this includes my reactions to the worst and weirdest problems. i also know that for me, working on forgiveness has made big changes. i do not mean offering peace. i mean just letting go of the anger and hurt in your heart. you do not need it, nor need to carry it around and fuel it. you need your energy in this instant just for thinking about making this baby and getting ready for it and all the other little dynamics in your immediate family.

for now, since you are in an especially sensitive time in your life, i would suggest that you allow dh to handle his family. even if it is icky, he is probably used to it and you will have to ignore it, for now. you may need to talk to him and explain that you do not want to be a part of the conversations. i expect they will want to hold the new baby, i guess if i were you i would probably allow it after shutting myself off for a few days. at least not immediately. it would be easier to impose this if the rule applies to everyone if you can do it......you could make sure that other people are visiting at the same time as they are for that moment. after that, you have the real excuse of being way too busy and tired to have them over.

i feel badly for you. families are supposed to help, especially when new babies come. i have had mixed feelings with my own set of families. we have reached a point where we can ignore the parts that annoy each other and not say anything, and other wise i work not to dwell on the negatives, especially with my own mother's disapproval of most anything i do as a mamma. i have enough to do.

perhaps there are some things that your inlaws can do that you could use the help with, and that would keep them feeling busy if they can't stay away. perhaps they can bring food. or extra things like getting maintenance done on the cars or yard stuff. at least it would steer the conversation to basic things.

but i'm getting too far. i don't know you or your inlaws. but i do wish that you feel better.

 

[jacksmama]

My inlaws aren't disrespectful to my face. They're more dismissive and quietly but openly rude to me...they don't include me in things, they don't treat ds or me with the same love as they have for their own family. Overall, I feel like they don't like me and they don't really go out of their way to make me feel otherwise. I have tried and tried and gone to humiliating depths to "fit in" and become accepted. But nothing works. It really pi$$#& me off when they treat ds waaaay different than their other two grandd's.

Sometimes, I fluctuate between wanting to just scream, to being embarrassed for them because they're so ignorant!!!!!!!! So, although I don't understand your exact situation, I do understand the burn that can ignite in your heart when your inlaws suck. It's especially hard because my mom isn't very available as a mother and my dad's MIA...so I would have loved to be "taken in" by my inlawas.

That being said, inlaws are tricky. It's your dh's parents! My opinion, FWIW, is that you could go ahead and let them be involved and see the new baby...but I wouldn't get too close and I would NOT allow them to be alone with my chidlren...EVER. Their discipline methods are cruel, humiliating and, I think, damaging to the soul of a child. But remember that you don't have to take abusive crap from anyone. Is it possible to keep contact open but to remain distant?

As for being pregnant....I do understand that. I think that on this round that your dh needs to deal with them. I was so emotional during my preg. and dealing with my inlaws used to upset me for days. My dh and I fought about his parents and siblings often. In the end I just gave up. I decided that I would take whatever they gave ds and I. Since they're not abusive or vulgar in any way, that if they offered love or kindness that we would enjoy it for what it is. Otherwise I just try to lay low and I keep a distance.

 

[peacefulmom]

mammas thanks for the answers...It helps to know I am not alone here. I am so sick over this because I really have enjoyed the past year without worry of what my daughter has been exposed to ..other things like cussing and racist jokes and degrading jokes about women..plus they have this weird petish about wanting to spend alone time with Lily..I refuse and so they are mad....I have gone over conversations in my head and well it may not be very nice....I have alot of anger in the ways they have treated me and my family...I guess I will just wait till after the baby is born but I cant stomach to see them hold my baby when there is so much anger and I am so hurt...i feel selfish but I want to be surrounded by love not drama at thiat time..My parents and my hubbie and daughter are the only ones I want around at the hospital for the few days...I flip flop between just dealing with them now since it would be nice to get off my chest but It would be long and emotional....and I only have a few weeks of time with my Lily alone and dont want to be upset...I DONT KNOW......I am still listening and thinking so if you have more thats welcomed...love to all

 

[Piglet68]

I'm going to move this to my forum, Parenting Issues, since I don't think this is really about discipline, but about family dynamics and being a parent.

 

[MomInFlux]

to you, mama! I think you should listen to your instincts and focus on YOU and your soon-to-be newborn and your DD. While the situation may seem urgent, it's not. There will be plenty of time for opening doors after the baby is born and you've got some equilibrium established. There's no need to stress yourself out at this stage in your pregnancy and DEFINITELY no need for anyone but those who surround you with love to be at the hospital. If you can, I suggest you resolve to give yourself a break, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the remaining time alone with your DD, and deal with the ILs when you're feeling stronger, IF you decide that's a step you want to take.

FWIW, I have a "toxic" grandmother that I've cut out of my life. I simply will not tolerate the negative energy she brings to my family. I think it is more fair to my children to have no contact with her then to have to explain down the road why grandma has hurt them (emotionally speaking).

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think what your husband wants to do with this needs to take center stage -- they are, after all, his parents. I think it is possible to allow limited contact with you and your family if that is what he wants to do. But I also think you can set boundaries and limits and stick to them. The important thing is that you do it in concert with your DH so that you can both give the same answer and reinforce each other.

Both my DH and I have some "problem" aspects with our parents (both our own and each others). We have always made it a point to talk through issues (best before they happen) and come up with a united front before stepping into the situation. This gives both of us the support we need to stand up for our family needs and wants.

In terms of hospital, new baby and those times -- I would set very firm limits at the outset. While they want the thrill of new baby contact, you do not deserve the pain it might cause. Figure out what is best and stick with it. If you are able, you can always increase time with the kids as things settle down. But if you don't trust them to respect your style, then you are NEVER under an obligation to leave them alone with the kids.

My father is not allowed alone with either of my children. I have told both he and mom this, and why -- because I don't trust him not to hit them and we don't hit ever. That's the price he gets to pay for being abusive when I was growing up. But I do allow him to visit and we visit them. He and my mom have kept the kids while we were away, but mom knows never to leave him with them alone. So you can work out compromises to some extent.

Good luck!

 

[Victorian]

we have completly cut my bh's grandparents out of our lives. it was the best thing we ever did. I don't think that they even know about ds. I don't think that we would even be married still if we hadn't, they sucked the joy out of our lives. We all deserve a life free of the weird family dynamics that some people seem to thrive on.

But, it was my husbands desicion - his family, his choice. I was so glad when it happened!

Whether or not you choose to see them again, I would just not tell them when the baby is born until you are ready for them. If you sister can't be quiet about it, tell her she can't know either. I wouldn't let them ruin your baby moon.

I would even go so far as just to tell them that it is too much right now and that you can all get together in 3 months.

Victorian

 

[Alexander]

Make that 6 months. They'll just blame your true feeling on "baby blues" and dismiss you. Tough break so far though.

a

 

[bec]

If you are willing to try a reconcilliation, I would make sure to meet with them a few times without your child(children if it after the baby is born). This way you can lay the ground rules down without worrying about things getting ugly around your kids, kwim? You can feel free to express the anger you have had, and to let them know in no uncertain terms that there is certain behavior you do not find acceptable around your children. If they want access to your kids, they need to follow your rules. That's why you're the mom. They don't have to agree with them, they just have to respect it.

DH and I had a very large blowout with my brother a couple of years before dd1 was born. dd1 was a few months old when he contacted us. We met for the first time in a public restaurant (neutral territory), and had a long talk. We did reconcile and have had a really great relationship since then. It has been a joy having him as an uncle to my girls. They adore him, and I'm so glad we took the time to heal our relationship. My parents put a lot of pressure on us to reconcile before then, but we weren't interested in just sticking another bandaid over the problem, nor to reenter the relationship with leftover hurt and anger.

Anyway, this is a tough one. I hope you find resolution.

Bec

 

[Morgaine]

Big Hugs to you and I hope you can find peace with what ever you decide. I had a huge blow out with my parents when I became pg and they did not really see my ds till he was about a yr. old. Hurt goes deep down and can take a long time to heal, but for me I am so very glad that I took the steps to help the relationship. My DH was a bit mad at me because it seemed like I was doing all the work at first but now they understand where I was coming from and things are all right. Once I forgave them for things, I also did not bring them up again. I really tried to let the past be the past.
But I am not sure if our situations are the same. For one my parents were willing to try and build a new relationship. If they were not willing I know that it never would have happened. I am not sure if your IL sound like they are really willing to do that. But maybe they are, and I personally would give them another shot. Like someelse said, maybe try to met them at neutral places, not at each others homes. Sometimes people act better in a public place. I would also try to stay away from touchy topics and stick to day to day type stuff. That help my Mom and me quite a bit. Try to find something good about them and remind yourself of that when they so something you do not like. That can help sometimes. I really do not have much else to say but I hope it works out for the best for you and your family.

 

[tea olive]

i thought about you, peacefeul mom, and this thread, after a minor incident yesterday. my mom had showed up weeding my lawn unannounced and was there when we got up in the morning. anytime she entered the house and when she persisted that she should take them to library storytime even after they told her they did not like going last week, they decided to find sticks and poke her playfully (yes, in the butt and belly). they were laughing like it was a fun game. i told them that it was inappropriate to poke her since she sometimes brings specific foods from the asian grocery that they like. they told me that was okay, since they thought it was more important that she leave at the moment. my mom tried to laugh about it. she can't stand the disrespectful way i am raising them and is desperate that i put them in school so that they will "learn". sometimes i take the sticks away. but really, i just wanted her to leave very badly as well.

so i wanted to point out, and this is something i did not know would happen when they are little, that i do not have to protect my kids from toxic people like when they were babies. and occasionally, they protect me by acting up and making it unpleasant. my oldest is the best barometer of any real people and lets me (and them) know right away whether they are truly cool or not. i did not have to be as vigilant about their influences, though i do have very assertive children. around a certain age, around three or four, i could trust that the rare time they were away that the kids could tell me what happens to them. and that they are able to yell and get what they need.

 

[mackinsiesmom]

Your situation sounds like mine except that we had problems with my mom and step-father. Before my daughter was born we sat down with them and told them that they would not speak bad about my dad infront of us which included my daughter. We had issues this past year with them mainly my mom and step-father realizing that I am an adult and I am making my own decisions without them.

My dh had been telling me for a while that he didn't want my mom around but that decision was up to me. After Easter (which is when I finally had the last blowout with my mom) I finally realized that they weren't going to change and that they were in the mindset of "I am the grandparents and I can do whatever I want". They had taken her for a day,because I had surgery and couldn't take care of her and dh had to take care of me, and everything I told them that we do they did the complete opposite and ignored every request we had asked them to do. Needless to say they don't see dd or us anymore because I can't trust them and me and dh stand united on this.

I hope things work out for you. Just concentrate right now on that beautiful baby, your dd and dh.

Katie

 

[peacefulmom]

hey thank you for being so open and honest about your own issues..I have decided to put off the meeting until after Ethan is born and we are settled I dont want to regret the last few weeks of pregnancy used nup by conflicts..my dh agrees fully....after than i plan to tell them everything they have done to hurt me and why they are not allowed to be alone with our kids and we will see them very occasionally...my dhs brother came to our house and threatned to kick his ass when this happened because i made his mom cry...well my dh will not see him again he says to holidays are out...i do i secret smile thank goodness.....but i respect his decisions about that..his bro is VERY toxic especially to his own daughter...thanks again.....for thinking about me and helping....