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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Last night I went to bed feeling like I had the best DH in the world. We normally get along great. I didnt get a lot of sleep last night, DH managed to hog the bed and whatever he didnt occupy, the other 3 kids did. I slept clinging to the edge and woke up frequently with an aching back. The kids all got up extra early, around 5am, so I laid in bed and talked with them for a while. Then I decided to be nice and took them downstairs and made them breakfast while DH slept in. I figured I would just go back to bed when he woke up. He ended up getting a nosebleed a little while later so he took a shower. I sat in there wiht him and told him to go back to bed when he was done showering. He said that he would make breakfast, but I said not to worry about it just yet because I was going to go back to bed. He then siad he would try to get some sleep on the couch while the boys watched tv.<br><br>
So I went to bed, and for 2 hours I laid there while the kids yelled, fought, screamed, and played. Where was DH?? Totally knocked out on the couch, snoring. Several times I went downstairs. Joey wanted a refill of cereal, DH refused to get up to get it for him so once again, I had to get up and fix him cereal. That was the last straw, I was (and am) totally exausted, I had a horrible headache from falling asleep only to be startled awake by the kids yelling over and over, and all the time DH was snoring on the couch, not paying any attention to them. What the hell did I get up and let him sleep in for if he was just gonna go downstairs and sleep? How fair is that???<br><br>
When I am so tired I can get really mean. DH and I got into it, and he just didnt seem to get WHY I was upset. Yes, he can sleep downstairs, but dammit he should at least wake up when they are yelling so loud I can hear them upstairs with the door shut. He shoudl wake up to fix his son cereal.<br><br>
He says he lets me sleep in all the time, so why shouldnt he? I said it is not the same thing, when he lets me sleep in and I get up, I stay awake while he goes back to bed! I feed our kids, I clean the house, I keep them quiet so he can sleep! I never fall back asleep, leaving him to continue caring for them! If he wanted to go back to bed I would have let him, I asked him to! I assumed that his getting up meant he would care for them because he was downstairs with them!<br><br>
So we're yelling at each other, and I am so disgusted with him, and he's acting liike he doesnt care how I feel at all. I told him to leave, get out, I dont care if I ever saw him again. Then I said "You can get in a car wreck and die for all I care!" (BTW, the kids were upstairs and didnt hear a word of our arguement.) I wanted to hurt his feelings, to see some sign that he cared about how I felt about him, since he was acting totally selfish. He didnt even react to what I said. Though a few minutes later he got mad, and I said "What are you mad about? You have no right to be mad!" And of course he threw that back in my face.<br><br>
So he left to go to town to get away because I kicked him out of the house, and I just looked outside and it is snowing really bad. Like, white out. And I feel really bad about what I said to him, but I still cannot imagine hugging him when he comes back home. My head just hurts too much. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
So now I feel like the jerk, when this morning I was trying so hard to be nice to him. I thought we were gonna have this wonderful day and he would be so grateful and loving to me because I got up with the kids and took care of them so that he could sleep late, even though he had slept so well last night and I didnt. And now we're not even speaking, I said a horrible thing to him that I didnt mean, and he's not even here because I kicked him out. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Oh wow. That certainly did escalate, didn't it?<br><br>
Lack of sleep didn't help, no doubt.<br>
Sometimes one little thing can just bring out everything else, and then you have a snowball.. and wow, it can get bad.<br><br>
So is there some other underlying stuff going on? Because it sure sounds like something got triggered. You do owe your dh a serious apology for what you said.. I would be devastated if my dh said something like that to me. I don't know WHAT it would take for me to get over it.<br><br>
But even beyond that, I think you need to get to the underlying anger. I don't think this could have escalated that much if there weren't something more under the surface.<br><br>
Good luck, I really hope you work past this in a healthy way.
 

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Lack of sleep does horrible things to people. I think you owe him an apology for saying such a thing and he owes you an apology, for not parenting his children.
 

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Dh and I are both very passionate I think. We have these arguments a lot (though we keep the insults to "you're an asshat" mostly) and have learned that time to cool and and an apology and simple explanation go a long ways.
 

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From what you have told me, this is a situation where you were both in the wrong. I totally get where you are coming from when you say you are "mean when you are tired"...I am too. If I am tired or hungry I am not rational. And if I am both, just get the heck out of my way.<br><br>
You DID do a very nice thing for your dh by letting him sleep. What he did by falling asleep on the couch after he said he would be with the kids was not just disrespectful to you but put the children in danger. Because what if they got into something and you had not woken up? It was insensitive and irresponsible.<br><br>
What you said to him was awful, but we frequently say things to our most loved ones when we are angry that we don't mean. I have said terrible things to my dh when I am upset, I did it last night. We were arguing, again, about our different parenting styles, and my dh is way to lenient with our boy and as a result ds walks all over him and does not see him as someone who ds has to listen to. What I wanted to say was "you need to be more firm with him, I am tired of being the disciplinarian while you get to be the fun one. And I am tired of ds seeing the conflict between us and using it to his advantage. I want to be on the same page." What came out was "You are an absolute joke to your son, he does not respect you." I was told I was mean, both to him and to ds, I was also told I was extremely hateful. We took an hour-long "time out" from each other, then we talked again and were able to make it up. Hopefully when your dh comes back you will be able to work things out too, since you've had time to cool off.<br><br>
Does he have a cell phone? Or do you know where he might have gone so you can ask him to come home? Tell him you are worried, that you are sorry for what you said and that you want to talk about it. I am sure, that if on a regualar basis he is such a wonderful partner as you said at the beginning of your post, then you guys should be able to work this out and move beyond it. Let me know how it turns out.
 

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hubby was out of line.....he should have stayed away and watched the kids....or at the very least gotten up when the kids were being too loud....<br><br>
i think HE was being the selfish one...after all you got no sleep that night and you got up so he could get extra sleep.....expecting him to be a parent for a few hours so you could get a nap is not asking too much
 

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You know, I needed to read this today. I needed to see that other couples fight over sleep too.<br><br>
I think I'll be posting a new topic soon..<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s I hope you and your dh are able to let this storm blow over soon
 

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definitely sounds like he was slacking in the parenting department (I can relate...my husband is that way too). I wish I had something to say to make you feel better <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
It sounds like things really got out of control. Maybe just going forward you can see when you're getting out of control and walk away? Its hard, but hurtful things said in anger tend to linger with the person that hears them a lot longer than they should. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I think up some very VERY horrible things when I'm angry. I used to blurt them out, but I learned the hard way that it makes things worse and not better, to speak freely when I'm pissed off.<br><br>
I hope you guys can have a long talk after everyone cools down and he can understand why you were so frustrated and that you didn't mean the things you said.
 

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And now you're still the one taking care of the kids, right?<br>
I actually think your reaction was fair. (I mean, yeah, say, "I'm glad you didn't die, sorry about that." ) But you didn't sleep last night, you woke up early with the kids while he slept, and he slept during your break. And now he is getting a break to cool off and you are...well, I'm guessing not getting a break and taking care of the kids.<br><br>
You are a person, mama!
 

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Warning, I'm not gonna sugar-coat this...<br><br>
What you said to you DH was verbally abusive. If the shoes were on the other foot, and you came here and complained that your DH said that, the ladies here would be begging you to leave an abusive man. Being tired does not make it okay to lash out like this at your partner. I know that I am extra cranky when I'm tired or stressed out from the kids, and I know I say things I shouldn't and I"m quicker to provoke into a fight, too. However, you and your DH both need to learn how to fight without saying such hurtful things. I truthfully cannot imagine ever saying anything remotely close to wishing death on anyone in a fight. I know you didn't mean it, but you did say it. You also said you heard your kids when you were upstairs with the door shut. Do you really think they didn't know you were fighting? You are fooling yourself if you do. They might not have heard what you said, but they know you are fighting. Right now you know you were wrong. You do need to apologize when he comes home, but I really think that you need to figure out how to have an arguement without having it escalate.<br><br>
The things you say in the fight are usually not the issues anyway. The actual issues are much deeper, and usually we fight over the same issues. All of our fights basically boil down to DH is a workaholic and I need him to focus less on working and more on the family. His opinion is that he is working for our family, how is that NOT focused on the family. Literally, every fight we have had basically boils down to this ONE issues. You need to be able to come to him without being upset and be able to actually spell out and say exactly what was wrong with his behavior, and why you felt so upset. Yelling, fighting or saying horrible things to each other will NOT accomplish anything positive. You DO have the ablity to control what you say, tired or not. You cannot control his actions, but you can control your own.<br><br>
Good luck, I really hope that you can learn to harness your anger, and how to argue with your DH without having a "fight".<br><br>
Mandy ~ who looked being a widow in the face this week. I really did think my DH might die. WE spent 2 days in the hospital and they don't know what is wrong. He could have a heart defect and die before they figure it out. How you could ever wish such on your DH is beyond me! Maybe your comment just hit a little to close to home for me.
 

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I haven't advice, if I did..that would mean I wouldn't have a moron (At times) husband like yours. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I had a horrible headache from falling asleep only to be startled awake by the kids yelling over and over,</td>
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I freakin' hear you there.<br>
I had those kinds of headaches. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/sneeze.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Sneeze">:
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Sounds like a good idea to apologize to him as best you can manage, and then promise to actually resolve stuff after you guys have both slept better. He does need to understand your position, but it's no good trying to come to an understanding when you're cranky and sleep deprived.<br><br>
Sometimes it's hardest when <i>both</i> partners are out of it, and want the other partner to be the patient one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks for all your understanding, we worked it out. There are no underlying issues or anything like that, we love each other deeply and everything. The issue is that I am an absolute bear when I am that tired. It's not even the being tired that is so difficult, it is the raging, pounding headaches that come with being 'thisclose' to sleep and then being startled awake again by loud noises, only to do it again and again, each time getting sleepier when I am re-awoken again. I have had sleep issues since I was a child, and still struggle with them. For my teen years I was addicted to sleeping pills, so sleep is something that doesn't come easily for me.<br><br>
I know what I said was very aweful, but please understand that it has nothing to do with underlying anger or marital issues. It has to do with me and my frustration and outright pain when I cannot sleep. My frustration with him was if he had just went back to bed, I would have been fine. I would have been a little tired but I wouldnt have had the severe headache that I got when I tried (and failed) to fall back asleep. If I had known he was going to do that, I would have simply stayed awake and tended to the kids while he napped.<br><br>
We worked it out, and thankfully he knows me well enough to know that I absolutely did not mean what I said, but I am not going to fool myself into thinking that I did not hurt him, because I did. I think we have learned from this though.<br><br>
This morning he got up with the kids and let me sleep a little, then came and got me up and I let him sleep. So we both were rested and had a wonderful day.<br><br>
I cannot excuse the things that I said, but I will say that lack of sleep coupled with extreme tireness and migraines can make even the nicest people say terrible things. My children understand this. And they do see us argue, all the time. But they also see us make up. But hopefully they will never see me that way again.
 
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