Mothering Forum banner

1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
80 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been with my SO for over 7 years. We have lived together for 4. I love him and can't imagine leaving him, though he's far from the perfect SO-- there are also many wonderful things about him.<br><br>
Anyway, I am almost 29 years old and I am dying to have a baby. I've given up on getting married first because we are not even engaged yet. My SO says he wants to get married and have children, but he is on a different time-line than me. I can't get him to commit to any certain time frame and its driving me crazy <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:! I have watched all of our close friends get married and have children and we have been together longer than most of them... I get so jealous and now it just makes me depressed <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:. My career involves working with pregnant women because its what I love (I am an OB nurse and I am working my way towards a midwifery degree). What can I do? I feel like time is slipping away! I don't want to wait and then have feritility issues ykwim?! I have watched many other older moms have those issues. I guess I can't explain how strong this drive is in me.... its all I think about, dream about, I just feel like my life will not be complete until I can have a baby.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,005 Posts
It might be time for you to move on if you're not on the same page after 7 years. The guy I dated before meeting my husband was the same way. There's nothing wrong with not being ready yet, but if you are, then maybe you should move on.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
11,594 Posts
waiting doesn't necessarily cause fertility issues--and the extent of fertility issues for older women (assuming they do not use hormonal birth control) is greatly overexaggerated. the difference between those with no children under 35 having fertility problems and those over 35 and under 42 is a 1% difference (14% and 15% respectively). after 42, it goes up another percentage.<br><br>
so, it's really nothing to worry about too much.<br><br>
as for the longing, i think it comes from being in a comparison game with others. see if you can step out of that by reminding yourself that you have time AND that your life is good as it is right now (i assume that it is).<br><br>
i'm 31 currently, and we're ttc our first. we originally thought we wanted to have chidlren at age 27 or so, but once we came to age 27, we realized that we were not ready for a number of reasons.<br><br>
we recently decided, together, that we are ready, and so we started. both parties need to be 'on board.' and while there were times where i felt ready and he didn't, and times when he felt ready and i didn't, and in those times it was tough to wait, i would remind myself that all things would come in their right times, and that i was happy with my life "as is" until the right time came.<br><br>
good luck to you! i know it's tough. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,008 Posts
Honestly, my experience in these circumstances is that the man is leading you on. When people are marriage minded at all, they will get into it with the right person pretty quickly. I have had 4 marriage proposals and all those men were asking within a few months. They were marriage minded fellows.<br><br>
I'm sure your DP enjoys your company, really likes you and probably loves you but after 7 years of someone stringing me along I certainly would have had enough. If I were in your shoes, I personally would leave and start dating now making sure that I made it clear I was looking for a permanent relationship. Yes, you are only 29 so you do have time for children and marriage but it may take time to find a compatable person and you may as well be looking when you are young and best looking.<br>
If your current DP really wants you, HE will come after you asking for marriage. If not, he really isn't what you want in a husband. I knew that my BF would make a good husband when he drove through a blizzard just to hang out with me. Your ideal future DP is going to be stuck with you during good and bad for the rest of your lives so he'd better really really want you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
DON'T WASTE ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,678 Posts
If your relationship with him is not complete without a baby then it is not a true relationship. A couple should be able to survive happily and fulfilled on their own before it would be fair to bring a child into the mix. And your life should be complete before you bring a child into it. It is not the child's job to complete your life and make you happy. You should have a happy and complete life that a baby would be lucky to join, and not look to the baby to make you happy.<br><br>
Waiting for a baby to make you happy is no better than waiting for a man to make you happy. Both should enhance your already happy life.<br><br>
It seems like it might be time to move on from where you are and find a way to be happy and fulfilled in your life with a different man, or on your own. Then it will be fair to think about having a baby.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25,599 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>fek&fuzz</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9893044"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If your relationship with him is not complete without a baby then it is not a true relationship. A couple should be able to survive happily and fulfilled on their own before it would be fair to bring a child into the mix. And your life should be complete before you bring a child into it. It is not the child's job to complete your life and make you happy. You should have a happy and complete life that a baby would be lucky to join, and not look to the baby to make you happy.<br><br>
Waiting for a baby to make you happy is no better than waiting for a man to make you happy. Both should enhance your already happy life.<br><br>
It seems like it might be time to move on from where you are and find a way to be happy and fulfilled in your life with a different man, or on your own. Then it will be fair to think about having a baby.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I'm sorry, but while I agree that it may well be time for the OP to move on, I disagree totally with the rest of your post.<br><br>
If she really wants a baby, she really wants a baby. If he doesn't, he doesn't. This has nothing to do with whether or not it's a "true relationship". To me, that's like saying that if he wanted to live in a small town, and she wanted to live in a big city, it's not a true relationship because they should just be happy together wherever they are.<br><br>
They want different things from life right now. That may or may not change. I personally wouldn't have waited this long, because I knew at age 18 that I wanted children, and that I wanted them young (didn't work worth crap, but biology bites sometimes). If I'd become involved with someone and found out that he didn't want kids, it wouldn't have mattered one bit how happy we were together - that would have been a deal breaker.<br><br>
Saying that if her relationship without him isn't complete without a baby, it isn't a true relationship make no sense, imo. Having a baby or not having a baby isn't about the relationship. It's about the fact that she wants a baby. Since it takes two, and her partner isn't on the same page, I agree that it's probably time to move on. I don't see it that way because their "relationship isn't complete" without a baby, but because they have seriously incompatible life goals.<br><br>
When dh and I got together, I desperately wanted more kids. I'd tried with my ex for years, and I had my doubts that I even <i>could</i> have more. It ate at me every day - with my ex, when I was single, and with dh. It had nothing at all to do with the state of my relationship with dh. I'm so happy that we have dd and ds2, and I still want another baby. My relationship with dh was complete without our own kids and with just dd, and with dd and ds2, and after our stillbirth. If it had turned out that I really was rendered infertile by my first c-section, I'd have done my best to live with it, and I still would have been very, very happy in my marriage to dh. My desire for children and my relationship with dh are two totally different things - but if he hadn't been willing to at least try to have children with me, I'd have cried my eyes out and broken things off. That just makes sense.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,191 Posts
I've been with a guy for 7 years <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
We've been living together for 4 <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
We are not engaged. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
I'm rrrrrrrready to have babies! He's not so much.<br>
Sounds familiar? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Somehow underneath it all I have confidence in us. *shrug* Our situation is only different from yours by the fact that he has a daughter, and blended family situation is a bit tough on everyone involved, so in my mind the timeline is going on for another 3-4 years until things will settle down a bit as she graduates high school... So.... I guess I have something to look forward to, and believe in both of us enough not to get too depressed over this issue just yet.<br><br>
Although, I have had a sirious talk with him, and made sure he knows how important having a baby is to me. He assured me he understands, and I trust him. That's enough for me not to doubt our relationship...<br><br>
Maybe a similar talk with your partner would put your worries to rest?..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,773 Posts
Action (and in action) speak louder than words. If he were really interested in marriage and children he would have done it by now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,773 Posts
PS-- there is always single motherhood by choice! You don't need a man to be a mom! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
890 Posts
The thread strikes a strong chord with me. At exactly your age, I was in a similar position--partnered with someone forever unprepared to commit to parenting with me. I was desparate with longing for a baby.<br><br>
Now I'm 35, overeducated, married (to someone else), and my wonderful kiddo turned 3 last week. I've had a lot of time to contemplate/study/theorize about that particular state of babylusty being, and here's what I think.<br><br>
Humans are animals. We are fundamentally driven to reproduce. It is the tsunami of evolutionary process--on a species level, it is the drive to survive. Being fertile, being partnered, being around infants and pregnant women--you're getting a lot of strong environmental cues that it's time to get on the stick already (forgive the pun). You can chose how you pit or partner with those feelings, but to psychologize them is imo needless finger pointing.<br><br>
I can't advise you on your relationship, but here's what worked for me as far as the baby stuff: develop a fall-back plan of becoming a single mother <i>X</i> number of years from now--you decide the number. Prepare for it financially (or start figuring out how you'd do that). Then know that whether you stay with this partner for the time being or not, whether you're partnered with Daddy material in the future or not, you <i>will</i> find a way to be a mother. The desires won't go away in the meantime, but you may find them receding to a dull roar. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I wish you peace and all the best.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
16,212 Posts
7 years is a long time to make you wait. (I waited for 5 years for my guy to marry me.........I wasn't going to wait any longer.)<br><br>
You know how he is. You have choices. Hard choices, yes, but choices, nonetheless.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
16,212 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Storm Bride</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9893239"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
If she really wants a baby, she really wants a baby. If he doesn't, he doesn't. This has nothing to do with whether or not it's a "true relationship". To me, that's like saying that if he wanted to live in a small town, and she wanted to live in a big city, it's not a true relationship because they should just be happy together wherever they are.<br></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/truedat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Truedat">
 

·
Registered
3
Joined
·
3,771 Posts
I'm in a similar situation. I've been with my Hubby six years, married almost three. We both have a child from a previous relationship, and that helps alot, but I want a baby with him very badly and time is running out. He has no interest. At first he wanted to wait a couple years, then he wanted to wait until the kids were older or moved out, then he said he didn't think we could afford it, etc. The best advice I can give you is sit down and just write your thoughts down as detailed as you can- why you want a baby, how it makes you feel that he does not, anything you can think of so that he can "see inside your head". Then you should give it to him and/or talk it over with him and see how things go from there. If it still persists you may have to ask yourself, will you regret it when you're old if you never have children? Will you be able to "get over it" in time? If he really doesn't ever want children, you can't force him and it wouldn't be fair to him or the baby, but if this is something that will leave you incomplete for the rest of your life and nothing can substitute the need to nurture (like getting a puppy or working in a daycare), then you may need to move on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,924 Posts
I was in a similar situation a few years back. I hadn't been with my now DH for that long but I had the same fears/concerns as you. He said he wanted to get married, have a family but just never moved that way. Finally I asked him when he planned to do all of this and he looked at me confused. He hadn't thought of the when's of it, just that he wanted to eventually. We got married in '05 and then waited a year to have kids (turns out I do suffer from infertility issues) and will hopefully have this little one in June. Our first - 4 years after I asked him for a timeline. I held him to that timeline as best as I could and I really think that he would have been perfectly happy in the state we were in permanently.<br><br>
I would ask him specifically what he's thinking. Then make it clear to him what you are thinking - be specific, don't assume he's getting anything you didn't explicitely say. If you can't come to some kind of compromise/agreement then you need to move on.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
11,594 Posts
i disagree that not being married after X years is some indication that the relationship is doomed, over, or that someone should "move on."<br><br>
it could simply be that it's less important to him than to her overall. i know this was the case for me. we were engaged for 5 years before we got married, and even then, i could care less if we ever got married.<br><br>
this is because i don't care about marriage either way. but i did care about our relationship and our future, and marriage was important to him, so i went with it. was i 'ready?' i have no clue. i figured that i was with him now, we had a future, and there was no difference between married and not married at the emotional level, so i went ahead with it.<br><br>
maybe this guy is problematic, and maybe he isn't. but if it does seem like something that has a future, and all of that seems good, then the only issue is baby lust.<br><br>
and baby lust stems not just from biological urges and what not, but also from a sense of something lacking, a desire to be rescued from something else, a desire to have purpose, a desire to be like others, and many other emotional needs that have nothing to do with really caring for children.<br><br>
so, i feel that if one exhausts the reasoning, that is, if one questions why there's all that baby lust and comes to the conclusion that she really is "ready" and then talks to the partner and the partner isn't and makes no motion to be ready or to get ready any time soon, then maybe one can consider breaking it off and seeking another. . . .<br><br>
but if one hasn't exhausted the potential emotional pitfalls of "i want a baby because it will fix X or make me/life better" then it's premature to consider break up or having a baby for that matter.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,022 Posts
I guess you have to decide how important your timeline is, and whether your guy is "in it" with you. Only you know your man well enough to judge whether it's going to work.<br><br>
Listen to your inner voice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,553 Posts
Storm Bride said exactly what I wanted to!
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Top