[OakEmber]

I'm due in Oct. with my second baby and DD, 3.5 has occasionally been making comments about not wanting a baby afterall..."I decided that I don't really want a baby to come". These feelings of hers mostly surface when she is overtired, sometimes she looks forward to the idea. Anyway, I am just hoping to find some BTDT advise, as are many moms from our Due Date club. Thanks in advance.

 

[MammaV]

According to my homeopath, a child not wanting a new baby can be a remedy state. A sibling experiencing feeling of hate, jealousy and a desire to harm the new baby is commmon to some remedies.
There are also Bach Flower Essences that assist. Holly is invaluable for that sibling who is jealous of the new baby and the attentions it will receive. Rescue Remedy or Star of Bethlehem will help dissolve the stress surrounding the issue.
I'd recommend seeking a quality homeopath and having your daughter's case taken. Homeopathy works profoundly.

 

[Snowbaby]

It's pretty common for children her age (and any age) to be ambivalent about having a sibling. Sounds like your daughter is very bright and is considering the pluses and minuses of having a sibling (and new baby) around .... even if she's doing it somewhat unconsciously. It's normal for her to feel this way and you shouldn't allow it to stress you out or to make you feel guilty in any way. Just make sure to validate her ambivalence ("sometimes the idea of a little brother/ sister is exciting and sometimes it doesn't seem like a great idea. I understand!"). You might want to ask her WHY she doesn't want the baby and address her concerns (i.e. "I won't get as much attention", "It will cry all the time", "It will take my toys", etc.). However, I'd discuss it seriously but not make a HUGE deal out of it since this might send the wrong signal to her.

Other than that, just give her time .. she'll love her new sibling tons once the water settles! And, of course, a little sibling rivalry never killed anyone and it made some of us stronger

 

[Lucysmama]

My dd has taken to kicking me in the belly lately, during tantrums. (She's a very spirited child; tantrums happen multiple times per day.)

She was fine with everything, but now I am starting to set down more limits...Mommy can't bounce with you on the trampoline, Mommy needs to lay down for a minute, Mommy needs to go home and rest before we go to the park, etc.....I think her kicking my belly is her way of expressing her frustration, though she is a very verbal child. I don't think she quite understands why she is directing her anger at my bump.

We have really cooled off the new baby talk, to see if that helps. We were reading books, watching videos, talking about it, etc...so we are just not going to bring it up for a while, unless she asks.

I'm sorry I don't have any "real" advice for you, but I sympathize. It's hard enough knowing that you are going to take the only-child status away from your baby....so I understand it's difficult to hear your child struggling with it already.

 

[Threefold]

My ds is 3.5 (or will be in two months when this baby comes), he alternates between kissing my belly and loving his baby sister and saying he doesn't want the baby, he'll lock me and the baby in the closet, hitting me, hitting dh, etc. When he says these things we just listen and validate and let him talk about it and understand, say that we will take good care of the baby just as we took good care of him (ie, "we can't let you lock the baby in the closet. you must be feeling mad right now) talk about what it was like for us (both dh and I are the oldest) and reassure him that we love him no matter what.
He'd been in a "mad about the baby mood" for a day or so when my school (I teach part time) threw me a baby shower. The gift was a basket full of books for both ds and the new baby. Ds loved looking through the books, but absolutely refused to look at or listen to one calledHi New Baby with a picture of a newborn on the front. This book is the story of a 3-5 year old girl adjusting to her new baby brother and she is mad at the beginning of the book but is holding him gently by the end. I started leafing through the book and said casually, "Oh look, this big sister looks mad!" Ds was in my lap like a shot to have the book read to him and he loved it. I think the book really helped him process some fo what he is feeling.

 

[ilovebeingamom]

One night my ds, who is also 3 1/2, cried for over an hour because he didn't want a baby sister, he wanted a baby boy like him. He kept saying things like, "girls don't play pirates," etc. The funny thing is, the next day we went to the park with his girl cousin who is his age, and SHE asked him to play pirates.

Anyway, before this crying jag, he was really acting out aggressively. I also weaned him after his third birthday b/c of the pain, and I was ready. He wasn't. So all these things together really stressed him out. I let him cry as much as he needed to, and just talked about what was happening. I let him know that sometimes I might not be able to be right there for him, b/c babies can't wait patiently like he can, but I will always get to him as soon as I have taken care of the baby. And stuff along those lines. He adjusted better after a few days. I think after playing with his cousin he also let go of some of the ideas of what "girls" do. I am holding my breath though, praying that the adjustment isn't horrible once the baby is actually here.

Another thing you might try is some play therapy techniques. Just using dolls and puppets and act out what is going on really helps kids talk and act out their feelings.

 

[LizD]

My daughter has run the gamut of emotion and response during this pregnancy- well, since about 19 weeks when we told her. She is ten years old - I wanted folks to know it happens at every age! Sometimes it was very hard to hear her negativity and deal with her unhappiness esp since this pregnancy was not planned/wanted but in the long run allowing her to express just about all of it has been very good. She took great relishing pleasure in scandalizing relatives and friends and strangers by telling them she wasn't happy or excited about it at all. Finally I did ask her to try and focus on some positive things and saying them and so on. From the beginning I had her think of things to make for the baby and she has made some very witty inappropriate versions of nursery rhymes we are making into a book. She has also sewn some toys and enjoyed shopping very much, especially derisively criticising all the crap at babies r us. Looking through the picture albums right from the start was helpful, getting out her baby journal, etc. She still needs constant reminders that sharing with the baby does not take away from her being special: she didn't want the baby to have a more astrologically interesting birthday (the midwife said something about a particular date, we don't buy any of that at all), she doesn't want the baby to draw well, as she does, etc. So there are constant opportunities to discuss these things which are positive things anyway, and might not have come up if she remained an only child. After a while she began referring to the baby affectionately and has always enjoyed feeling it move, though for a while she couldn't bear to admit it.

Now she is anxious for the baby to be born because she wants to hug me properly again.

 

[Karennnnn]

We haven't said anything yet to our 3.5 year old son but have posed questions to him about it for more than a year now.
The biggest things for him are not to share his boobies and not to share his toys.
He stopped nursing on the right boob almost 2 years ago and we call it "attention boobie" because the poor thing needed attention to keep it the same size as the other lol. He mentioned once or twice that a new baby could have the attention boobie so that's good!
He had told me for about a month that he wanted a baby sister or a baby girl so he could put a purple ribbon in her hair. I thought this was really neat but knew it didn't necessarily mean anything. That was probably the icing on the cake for dh and I to knowingly do it one night a week ago when I knew I was ovulating lol!
Now when I ask him, as if he senses it or something, he says he doesn't need a baby anymore. So I'm wondering if this is a preview of things to come.
I have this big dream of him really being into the pregnancy, loving to feel my belly and weeping with joy when his sibling is born lol!! Yeah right eh?
Any of the only children out there around the same age or even not, really like seeing babies? My little guy has been fascinated with them for a while now. When we see one, he stares and gets very bashful and embarrassed when we catch him looking. If it's a social situation, he'll kneel by the baby and basically just stay with them. I don't think he ever once talked to a baby. It's like he doesn't know what to say or do

At the park a few weeks ago the 1 year old brother of his friend started wandering off and he was the first one to be like "Danny is running away!!!!" and extremely concerned about it.
So things like that make me excited.... But the sad goes with the good. My heart aches thinking about what will happen when attention is shifted. I think we all try our best to not let it happen but I see it outwardly in a particular family member and I pray that I don't turn out that way.
The little one who's 2 can do ABSOLUTELY NO WRONG, yet the very slightest thing the 5 year old does that rubs either parent the wrong way, she's being sent to sit on the step. Just heartbreaking.
I guess we can do all the right things but need to expect some (or a lot) of behavior like what we're afraid of and what's been happening to some of you. It's just another part of the natural process that we love for the most part

I think we need to figure out how to embrace it is all. We can love natural childbirth no matter how much it hurts so this has to be the same right!?
Take care all,
Karen

 

[Elana]

So natural - a response like that.

When my dd was 2.5 we had dd #2. They love eachother very much and are wonderfull friends, but even now (almost 2 yrs later), dd # 1 still says from time to time - "sometimes Maayan bothers me, etc.".

I try and mirror her feelings back to her: "sometimes it's hard being the big sister".

I think that when kids know that they can talk about their tough feelings, they can feel them out and then find the good ones. By saying something like, "so, you're not so sure you want a baby after all" accepts his feelings and gives him the peace of mind to know that he's okay to feel that way, and that mommy will still love him if he feels like that.

Two good books to read are: "How To Talk SO Kids Will Listen.." and "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Faber and Maizlish.

It'll be fine, don't worry!!!

 

[lauren]

There are some great books for children that help them express their ambivalence. Mr. Rogers had one, I think called "A New Baby" and talks about feelings like jealousy, etc. in it. Do a search and try to find some good ones that talk about the "dark side" of feelings for the sibling. As a therapist working with young families the one thing I can say not to do is to ignore or negate her feelings and hope they will go away. siblings who are aggressive with the new baby are almost always ones whose parents said "oh you don't hate your new sister/brother, look how cute she is..." etc. Validate the feelings even if you wish they were different. Your dd probably already feels 'bad' that everyone else seems excited and she isn't.

 

[simonee]

DD was almost 4 when ds (now 10 mos) was born. I tried to imagine how she felt about it all by envisioning how I fould feel if dh announced he was going to have a second wife around. To lose all those things that had been all mine, and still be expected to treat the newcomer well ~ and to likely be blamed when something bad happened.

I also discussed my own fears and ambivalence with dd, so she knew that everybody has those feelings and they go very well together with a general context of love and excitement. A second baby IS hard for everybody. Everybody has to put themselves in second place sometime, and for an only child that's a very tough lesson to learn.

Only since recently does DD like DS. She knows that there is extra milk because of him, and she has just figured out that he is always her unwavering admiring audience

 

[ameliabedelia]

This is something we have been concerned about as well.

DD will be 2.75 years when the baby is born. One thing we are trying to do, is not focus on the negative (how we will have less time for dd, or she will have to share), but focus on the positive. That we all love each other very much in this family and there is lots of love for everyone. That we are going to have a baby, and the baby is going to be one more person we will love and one more person who will love us. We talked about how we love DD so much that we gave her the nursies and that we love the baby so much that DD and baby will both get nursies. I think we just try to emphasis that we are open and loving and will embrace the baby just like we love and embrace DD.

DD has not so far expressed any negative reactions, but I really don't think she understands yet. I don't even really have much of a noticably belly yet.

If she does express negative emotions when the baby is born, we will defintiley talk about and validate those feelings then, but I dont' want to make her think beforehand that she will defintiely feel jealousy or anger (she may not -ok, maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part, but you never know) when she isn't already.

DD also loved babies, and will hold other people's babies so we encourage that, and we encourage her to play with her dolls and be loving and caring towards them.

I also wanted to add that I don't think silbing rivarly is necessarily a given. I was 3 when my sister was born (and I don't remember if I was jealous or not), but I do remember being 7 when my brother was born and I was absolutely delighted with him. I never once felt jealous or angry towards him (I was a little disappointed he wasn't a girl

), but other than that, we all just loved him.

 

[Lucysmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ameliabedelia I think we just try to emphasis that we are open and loving and will embrace the baby just like we love and embrace DD.

This is something we are focusing on, too. We talk about cosleeping with the baby. Dd LOVES that we all sleep together. She says things like ,"It's so nice to sleep with you, Mommy and Daddy," in the middle of the night.She holds my hand when she sleeps, and sometimes climbs up on dh's chest for a while, etc. She just loves being all cozy with us.

So when I told her that the new baby was going to sleep in our bed with us, she was silent. (She is normally the biggest chatterbox..she has something to say about everything.) I explained to her that we will all love each other and all snuggle with each other in the same way, just with the baby added. I told her about how in some families, the babies and toddler sleep in another room, and how in our family, we all like to sleep together because we all love each other so much.

Now she is talking about how the baby will sleep next to mommy, and she will sleep in the middle, and daddy will sleep on the end. She seems excited to be adding another body to the bed.

 

[Piglet68]

ITA with Elana.

In the book "Siblings Without Rivalry", the authors point out the importance of acknowledging and validating the child's feelings. They are normal and natural. (Harville Hendrix also emphasizes the importance of mirroring, validation, and empathy in his book "Giving the Love that Heals" though he deals with a much wider range of topics).

Try to mirror her feelings back to her. Agree that it's hard to think of having a new baby, of sharing, etc. Make her understand that she is OK to feel this way, that there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. Let her know that you, too, would be feeling that way if you were her, etc.

Then you can move on to other things, like playing a game where you list all the fun things about having a baby, etc.

I just really think it's very important to validate and show empathy for these feelings. Otherwise, the child will simply internalize them, feeling unable to share them with you, and then those feelings will be acted out in other scenarios.

I really recommend that book, btw (Siblings Without Rivalry). I bought it and lent it to a friend, but I read it first, and I'm going to get it back to read again.

 

[OakEmber]

Thanks for all the responses, I will look into the books that were recommended as they sound good. I should have clarified that I am not really worried about it, I think it is completely normal for DD to have these feelings but I was just looking for input as to what others have said and done. I am doing pretty much the same, validating her feelings when she makes these comments, etc. so it's nice to see that I seem to be on the right track.

Thanks again.

 

[rubelin]

One thing to be careful of is anyone calling her the BIG sister. If she wants to say it herself, that's fine, but you want to be sure there is no pressure on her to be the big one. She's still your baby, after all

 

[Foobar]

I am concerned about this with Goo (who will be 23ish months when Moo arrives). We got out a doll set and she plays with the baby constantly now calling it her baby and then going to me and saying mommy's baby.

She knows a baby is coming and we tell her all of the time that we will love her the same. She really seems to want to be with the new baby, but I know it will be different when Moo comes.

Sigh.....