Loosing Patience with 2 1/2 yr. olds

I haven't parented a toddler yet, my boy's only 4 mos. but i did work in daycare with 10 toddlers.

So, FWIW, whenever i ran into troubling behaviours I'd try think about the situation- the ABCs of behavior:
A=Antecedent (what happens BEFORE the behaviour occurs)
B=the behaviour itself
C=the consequence (does the outcome of the behaviour lead to a positive or negative result for the child?)

I know it's kinda text-bookie but it makes sense, clearly they're getting some reward out of it, even if it's negative attention. Try to change either the A or the C and the behaviour *should* follow. If you notice they're peeing somewhere inapropriate after lunch, factor in a bathroom run as part of the day's routine.

Never lose your cool, and don't be affraid to discipline. Having negative consequences is a part of life, your children need you to set boundaries and teach them what is and is not acceptable behaviours. Be consitant and predictable!

Hope that helps, I know trying to alter a behaviour isn't always that simple.

Good luck Mama!

Go hang out in the Gentle Discipline forum here. Lots of good advice and support.

Also check out www.askdrsears.com for some really good, *practical* discipline/behavior tips (ie., how to speak so your toddlers will listen, positive ways to say No, etc.).

FWIW, I don't think that 2.5 yr olds are really old enough to know what is/is not "against the rules." That's why repetition is so important at this stage -- they simply don't yet have the cognitive ability to remember "No splashing" on their own. You just have to keep repeating it, and trying other methods of dealing with the problem. Any kind of discipline has to fit the developmental stage of the child, or it's inevitably going to fail. And IMO, by looking at their actions as "getting into trouble" or as "problems", you're setting up a dangerous dichotomy which is only going to frustrate everyone in the family. They aren't misbehaving; they're just two and a half. This is what two and a half year olds do, KWIM? Their language skills are limited; their abilites are limited and restricted; and they have few ways to express their own frustration, anger, and other emotions (even the positive ones) other than this behavior. So it might be helpful to try to address the underlying stuff. What emotions are they feeling when they do this? Are they angry, tired, hungry, need to burn off some energy, feeling like they need some attention from you or your partner? Or are they just exploring their world and experimenting with cause/effect? Or some combination of those things?

Also, check out Alfie Kohn's work -- especially "Unconditional Parenting." It's not as practical as Dr. Sears's website but it is a great read nonetheless -- more underlying theory. It really has changed the way that both DP and I think about discipline/parenting. You can read some of his work on his website (www.alfiekohn.com) or look for the book at your library.

HTH. Hang in there Mama. I have a 32-month old myself, and a newborn, so we're dealing with lots of that stuff too.

Just to say . . . I have 2.5 yo twins too and some days I think they will be the end of us. We have been practicing AP/GD since day one, and lately the Alfie Kohn book a pp mentioned has had a lot of impact on me (but let me point out, he never had twin toddlers!)

Anyway, lately I've been focusing on the worse behaviors (life and limb kind of stuff) and shrugging of the rest a bit. And, as I always have, workign to identify the most important things we need to work on and leave the rest till later.)

On the weekends, whenver we can, my dh and I "spot" eachother. In other words, he'll take them till he feels burned (not at the point of losing it yet), then we'll trade off while the other adult recovers.

And, now that the weather is nice again, when I'm really on the verge, we pack it up and go outside. I think the biggest thing to remember is that they aren't being "bad" or "defiant", they just don't have any impulse control and aren't able to think ahead, or remember the distant past. When you remember that they are still more like little monkeys than little humans, sometimes it makes it easier to take.

My very verbal, normally compliant 2.5 yo is being very challenging too right now... of course I'm 41.5 weeks pregnant too! I personally think it is a combo of the stress of waiting for the baby and DISEQUILIBRIUM, which is totally a developmental thing that can throw everything for a loop. It seems to happen around half-year marks, so that is why my 2.5 yo and all the others I know seem to be really hard to deal with lately (The Ames & Ilg books do a great job explaining this.) I personally view it as a good thing- she's not acting up b/c I'm being a horrible mommy, but she is really pushing boundaries because of her own developmental issues that she needs to work through. My job is to keep us all safe and sane during this time. And I get to look forward to some positive developments on the other side!

Oh, here is a great link I just found talking about the disequilibrium issue...
http://www.chapelhillmothersclub.org...er/normal2.htm But I don't recommend Ames & Ilg's parenting advice, I just like their description of behavior and development.