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I have a 4 year old and 1 year old and I cannot seem to make it through one day with out loosing my temper. I hate myself for it. I know I know I am only human but when I get frusterated with my kids and yell at them and occasionally spank. I feel horrible. So I then apologise and try and rectify the situation and promise them and myself that I will be a better mom. I have tried herbal remidies but they don't seem to help any. So I thought maybee a support group as I am sure I am not the only one that goes through this. I need help and would like to help others in my situation. This is my reasoning for this post.
 

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If you suffered abuse as a child, and you think this is what is coming out in your reactions (what we were raised with often affects us in really surprising ways, even if we're trying to be different), then I would really suggest looking for a counselor that deals with abuse issues.<br><br>
You may have to shop around a bit, but if you feel out of control with yelling and/or you spank in anger, it can be really really really helpful to have someone one on one who can provide some neutral party guidance and help you work through the root of your anger and frustration.<br><br>
I say this as someone who was abused in the past, and who has to fight those impulses every day. I do think that everyone once in awhile loses their temper, especially at certain ages/stages that you find frustrating. But if YOU are feeling out of control, or it's happening more and more frequently over a longer period or you can't trace it to a specific situation (like a highly stressful family situation with a finite end), then if you can at all swing individual counseling/talk therapy I think it can help you with both safety for your kids but safety for yourself. I know that every time one 'loses it', it feels like it tears out a piece of your soul.
 

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Thanks for your advice and reply. Yes abuse is in my past. But it is not big freakouts all the time it is just alot of little freakout all the time. I don't endanger my kids I just feel like a horrible mom for not being able to control the frustration.
 

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i sympathize girl. i used to feel likethis too, for my dd's first 3 years her and i were really in sync, now however...lord help me! the girl is very head strong andvery argumentative...but what can we do? these traits are not necessarily bad ones are they? so i started thinking differently...if i wanted her to do a certain thing and she didn't want to we'd have a discussion/debate about the whys and hows...it works for us. of course everything takes a bit longer but i can deal with that.<br><br>
i think we as parents have to realize that sometimes we should try to see thingsfrom their perspcetive...why do you feel like you could do this? or why do you wnat o do that?...bigbird did say asking questions was a good way of findingthings out.<br><br>
and i get books..lots of books. if she's intersted in a certain thing we read up, look online and what not.<br><br>
as for regular diciplinary issues, i take toys away. she has painting things and drawing things she likes..so if i can't figure out a better way of handling it. i take toys away, or i put her fish in my room...what can i say..it works. of course she cries a bit, but then we get to explore why i did what i did and what she can do to get her things back....yada yada, my two cents.
 

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I have a temper.....used to be really bad. I always walked it off before kids, but that doesn't work once the kids arrive. Here is what I do when I feel myself getting too angry. I put my kids in a safe place (they are older now, so they go on their own) and I play one certain song really, really, really loud. I have trouble calming down if I am around people, though I have gotten better over the years. My kids learned from an early age that if that song is playing, mama is done. She needs to detox. I would tell my kids that I was very angry and I needed alone time to calm down. Sometimes I would play the song four or five times in a row to calm down.
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">Thanks for your advice and reply. Yes abuse is in my past. But it is not big freakouts all the time it is just alot of little freakout all the time. I don't endanger my kids I just feel like a horrible mom for not being able to control the frustration.</div>
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Yes, but the little freakouts can really wear you down, even if you're "managing". I think it's also good to have someone encouraging you, and telling you that what you're going through is NOT uncommon for folks who have been abused. That you're not trapped to repeat the same mistakes, and that you are NOT your mother/father/whomever because of what you think or what you have to restrain yourself from saying/doing.<br><br>
For me, a lot of the stress was coming from me thinking that I was as bad as what I experienced just for having some of the same feelings/saying some of the same things in my head/feeling the tension in my body and the desire to strike out. It was so helpful to have someone else say, "No, this is to be expected. You're not bad, you're doing an excellent job. Here are some strategies you can try to see if it lessens your stress/works better for you."<br><br>
"Mothering Without a Map" by Kathryn Black (I think that's the author) was another helpful thing for me to read, when I was really struggling. The author lost her mother to illness, but there are stories of women who were parenting without a role model because of abuse or neglect. It was very comforting to see that some of the things that I thought/felt were not because I was a horrible, damaged, uncapable person--that others who had been in similar situations struggled with them too. It was very liberating (and actually was what made me take the step of finding my therapist, something I'd resisted before...you might not have the same reaction, but for me that was an important part of moving forward) to know that I wasn't alone. And that I am not my mother, even if I were to make horrible mistakes.<br><br>
You are NOT a horrible mom. Even if you have lots of little freakouts. You are not alone. And you are not turning into the person(s) who abused you. You can do this. You might have more fears and triggers than some people who don't have your experiences, but sometimes that can be protective, especially when you learn to channel it and turn it into an asset.
 

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Don't feel bad. I can get short tempered with DS and it makes me feel horrible.<br><br>
I figured out what my "triggers were"...hearing:<br><br>
"Mommy, where are you?"<br>
"Mommy, what are you doing?"<br>
"What's this Mommy?"<br><br>
It gets hard because they are every 10 seconds and I cannot catch a minute alone (I am an extreme Introvert and need 5 minutes to myself here and there)<br><br>
Anyway, you are not alone.
 

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I understand where you are coming from. I was raised with physical abuse, and unfortunately that is deeply ingrained in me. I have to verbally remind myself, "No hitting...hitting is not nice" (just the way I do to the kids <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> )<br><br>
Start small. Make a promise to yourself that you WILL NOT HIT, no matter how angry you are. Don't worry about the shouting right now. That's column B. Plus, I think even the most gentle of parents occasionally shouts.<br><br>
But hitting is a whole nother ball game. So when you wake up, say first thing, "I will not hit my children today."<br><br>
When you feel yourself getting angry, tell yourself OUT LOUD, "HITTING IS WRONG."<br><br>
And remember, you can stop any time. Even if your hand is raised mid-swing, it's not too late. YOU can make the choice to set it down.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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